Am I being a bit harsh?
Discussion
Right.... Long story cut short, December 2014 I had surgery to remove a brain tumour which, naturally, was a bit of a rough patch. My birthday is coming up this weekend and my mum (bare with me here!) of all people has had a Facebook message from my dad's sister, asking for my address so that they can give that to my dad's parents so they can send me a birthday card..... What's wrong with that, you ask?
These grandparents of mine haven't once bothered to visit me, phone me, ask me how I am etc since my surgery, and they live about 8 miles up the road.
I told my mum to say I'm not interested in getting a birthday card from them as they haven't been in touch at all, and a hospital visit or a get well soon card last year would have been nicer.
So, what would you say?
These grandparents of mine haven't once bothered to visit me, phone me, ask me how I am etc since my surgery, and they live about 8 miles up the road.
I told my mum to say I'm not interested in getting a birthday card from them as they haven't been in touch at all, and a hospital visit or a get well soon card last year would have been nicer.
So, what would you say?
Perhaps they've been having problems of their own? And some people simply can't confront anybody's mortality.
My brother ended up in hospital on an emergency basis. I was ill myself and couldn't do the 100 miles each way to visit. I got grief from his partner but we buried the hatchet years ago. Family and all that.
Could you do the same?
My brother ended up in hospital on an emergency basis. I was ill myself and couldn't do the 100 miles each way to visit. I got grief from his partner but we buried the hatchet years ago. Family and all that.
Could you do the same?
I understand exactly where you're coming from on this. Different outcomes for me, but same idea of people who I thought would care but could not be bothered. Then, later some proved to be utter two faced 
s in their insincerity of concern.
Others I grew to understand later could not or would not talk to me because they found it too difficult and did not know what to say. It simply pushed too many of their own buttons.
Perhaps with those you mention, this is the case. sometimes, it's just too hard, too painful at the time. you know them better than most so, maybe they were being distant because they did not care. Or maybe they did not know what to do/say - and yes, that goes as far as something as simple as sending a card.
You went through hell. You came out the other side. There's no need now to carry any resentment towards them. They are old. They will die soon enough, be forgiving of something that may well be nothing more than their inability to even acknowledge their fears of you dying.
Or they might just be cold hearted tossers. Only you know. but the fact You're even asking, makes me think that you want to think the best of them, but your anger of all that has happened stops you.
s in their insincerity of concern. Others I grew to understand later could not or would not talk to me because they found it too difficult and did not know what to say. It simply pushed too many of their own buttons.
Perhaps with those you mention, this is the case. sometimes, it's just too hard, too painful at the time. you know them better than most so, maybe they were being distant because they did not care. Or maybe they did not know what to do/say - and yes, that goes as far as something as simple as sending a card.
You went through hell. You came out the other side. There's no need now to carry any resentment towards them. They are old. They will die soon enough, be forgiving of something that may well be nothing more than their inability to even acknowledge their fears of you dying.
Or they might just be cold hearted tossers. Only you know. but the fact You're even asking, makes me think that you want to think the best of them, but your anger of all that has happened stops you.
paps said:
As above. They're reaching out, albeit a bit late. There may be reasons for this that you're unaware of at this stage. End of the day it's just a card, they're not asking for a kidney I'm presuming?
Old people can be funny. They probably "didn't want to get in the way," during the time of your medical issues in the vein of "he won't want a lot of fuss" etcE36GUY said:
paps said:
As above. They're reaching out, albeit a bit late. There may be reasons for this that you're unaware of at this stage. End of the day it's just a card, they're not asking for a kidney I'm presuming?
Old people can be funny. They probably "didn't want to get in the way," during the time of your medical issues in the vein of "he won't want a lot of fuss" etcSome people were there all the time, some (including family members) seemed to disappear
Later it transpired that quite a few of these people actually really struggled with the thought of losing a loved one and it was a way of coping and not facing the possibility of it all going wrong, rather than any attempt to not be supportive
OP, you don't know what these people might be dealing with in their own lives, might be better this time to suck it up or be polite and honest and talk it through with them rather than refuse contact...
Know exactly what the guys above are saying.
My OH lost her mum in August this year. Me and the other OH slept in her hospital room for the last 5 days to make sure she wasn't on her own when the time came. OH's sister breezed in for 10 mins at a time when she knew there would be others there and brought cakes in for the nurses
Weird how different coping strategies are
My OH lost her mum in August this year. Me and the other OH slept in her hospital room for the last 5 days to make sure she wasn't on her own when the time came. OH's sister breezed in for 10 mins at a time when she knew there would be others there and brought cakes in for the nurses
Weird how different coping strategies are
el stovey said:
I wouldn't get upset about their lack of interest. Life's too short and you've had a brain tumour. Just be happy you're still alive, plenty of other people aren't so lucky.
OPer, why haven't you arrived at this conclusion already?I just had a thought. Maybe they think you're on your way out and they want to get on YOUR will.
E65Ross said:
... and my mum (bare with me here!)...
Unless you're naturists, that's just perverted, sorry.E65Ross said:
These grandparents of mine haven't once bothered to visit me, phone me, ask me how I am etc since my surgery, and they live about 8 miles up the road.
Ahh but have you visited them? 8 miles isn't far! unless you're being dragged by the pubes
Seriously though, some old people (the good ones in my experience) don't like to get in the way/make a fuss/ intrude etc.
Life's too short, make up some pardon for them, and accept the card.
JuniorD said:
E65Ross said:
... and my mum (bare with me here!)...
Unless you're naturists, that's just perverted, sorry.E65Ross said:
These grandparents of mine haven't once bothered to visit me, phone me, ask me how I am etc since my surgery, and they live about 8 miles up the road.
Ahh but have you visited them? 8 miles isn't far! unless you're being dragged by the pubes
Seriously though, some old people (the good ones in my experience) don't like to get in the way/make a fuss/ intrude etc.
Life's too short, make up some pardon for them, and accept the card.
I had already made up my mind not to bother, but just wanted to see what others thought really.
Cheers
My grandma is in hospital now, she isnt very well and is 90 years old, she would never, ever call me, it isnt on her radar, except in a dire emergency, doesn't bother me, I call her and we have a chat, its probably years of being told the phone is expensive or doesnt want to bother me as she seems quite happy to speak and she isnt going to change now.
I suspect there was perhaps some denial, or perhaps they didn't want to get too close in case you passed away (realistic possibility based on reading your thread) so may have been a case of "la la la not listening", and now you are ok they feel they can contact you, crap way to deal with things, may be another reason but people arent perfect and it doesnt mean they are bad people or uncaring, you could ask them ? but, just becasue they have been stand offish, doesnt mean you should be, some people revel in death and medical things, others cant go near.
I have been in many situations where the impression I got from somebody on face value, was much different to, when they explain, what they were actually thinking.
Unless someone is beyond redemption, you cant be around them and they are totally evil, then give them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps make an effort to visit them and find out, dont reject their offer, even if it is only a card, too little too late, its no skin of your nose and it shows they are thinking of you, the decision needs to be yours and try not to be influenced by other relatives.
I suspect there was perhaps some denial, or perhaps they didn't want to get too close in case you passed away (realistic possibility based on reading your thread) so may have been a case of "la la la not listening", and now you are ok they feel they can contact you, crap way to deal with things, may be another reason but people arent perfect and it doesnt mean they are bad people or uncaring, you could ask them ? but, just becasue they have been stand offish, doesnt mean you should be, some people revel in death and medical things, others cant go near.
I have been in many situations where the impression I got from somebody on face value, was much different to, when they explain, what they were actually thinking.
Unless someone is beyond redemption, you cant be around them and they are totally evil, then give them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps make an effort to visit them and find out, dont reject their offer, even if it is only a card, too little too late, its no skin of your nose and it shows they are thinking of you, the decision needs to be yours and try not to be influenced by other relatives.
E65Ross said:
I wasn't able to drive for 12 months, they live quite far from the nearest train station and bus route so it made it a bit more awkward. They didn't send me any get well cards when I was in hospital or shortly after so, to be honest, I couldn't be bothered.
I had already made up my mind not to bother, but just wanted to see what others thought really.
Cheers
I can see why it's upsetting but why have any underlying resentment towards them?I had already made up my mind not to bother, but just wanted to see what others thought really.
Cheers
Imagine if they died tomorrow, you might regret holding a grudge (or not being bothered) you're just creating negativity in your life that you don't need.
You've survived a brain tumour. That's amazing, don't move on with your life being upset about some old people's lack of interest.
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