The Controlling Partner
Discussion
Something myself and friends were discussing recently.
We know a girl (Mid 20s), very personable, in a relationship with a guy. She's evidently either utterly devoted to him, or it's a borderline controlling relationship. He dictates who she can socialise with, who she can have as friends on Facebook. There was apparently a "mysterious black eye"
a year or so back. Lives with the guy. Won't hear a bad word said about him.
I know a girl (Early 20s) very similar situation. Since she started seeing him it's gone the exact same way. Though thankfully have no evidence of physical abuse! Decides who she socialises with, who she can reply too via Social media. Every one she's added on FB in the last few months is from his social circle and she's not seeing ANYONE she knew before they met! Like she's dropped off the face of the earth from her usual haunts. As above, this girl lives with the guy. And literally goes Work. Home with the BF. Sleep. Work. Home with the BF. Sleep. If he wants to go out. It's as a couple never without the other, and of course wherever he wants to go. Similarly, this guy is the best thing since sliced bread and anyone that queries it has been told "You don't know him like I do" or they are just jealous that their BFs aren't as devoted to them!
In both cases their BFs have BECOME their lives, to the exclusion of everyone and thing else. Now at this point, I'll add we/I have no plans to interfere or force contact since it would only end up causing problems for them. In many ways, they are probably very happy with the way things are. Their life, their rules. Perhaps they don't like having to make decisions and are happy to let 1 person do the thinking.
But for me and my mates. It's completely alien. It screams "Doormat" to us! Surely the whole point of a relationship is to experience things you wouldn't normally do. I daresay many a PHer wife has gone to a car show which they probably didn't want to, but went because of their relationship. And I'd hope that's been reciprocated whether that's time at a show or going to an event not really your thing. To expand your experiences. Also, we don't think we want a partner that blindly does what we want. I want someone with their own opinions, their own life and the gumption to tell me I'm being a prick if I am. The phrase we decided upon was "Someone to SHARE your life with, not RUN it"
Is it simply low self esteem? Is it borderline domestic abuse? Conversely, is it actually a good way for these people to live? Some people are crap with decision making after all.
EDIT TO ADD. Is it actually a crime to control someone's life to this extent? I'm not sure it is. The Weaker party has to consent to it in a form. If they are prevented from leaving that's more of an issue, but these ladies are fine with it seemingly.
{Slight Tangent: A good friend I know. When he met his then GF, I never really liked her. Too bossy, pretentious amongst other traits. When they got married she gritted her teeth around me. But as soon as their child was born the Law was laid down. He was to cease all contact with me. He complied. I heard about it, so didn't force it. 4 years later, after their marriage broke down and the subsequent Divorce he came to see me and Apologised for listenting to her. I accepted, since contact with his child was more important than me! And we went back to how we were before. So it's not just girls who let others control them}
We know a girl (Mid 20s), very personable, in a relationship with a guy. She's evidently either utterly devoted to him, or it's a borderline controlling relationship. He dictates who she can socialise with, who she can have as friends on Facebook. There was apparently a "mysterious black eye"
a year or so back. Lives with the guy. Won't hear a bad word said about him.I know a girl (Early 20s) very similar situation. Since she started seeing him it's gone the exact same way. Though thankfully have no evidence of physical abuse! Decides who she socialises with, who she can reply too via Social media. Every one she's added on FB in the last few months is from his social circle and she's not seeing ANYONE she knew before they met! Like she's dropped off the face of the earth from her usual haunts. As above, this girl lives with the guy. And literally goes Work. Home with the BF. Sleep. Work. Home with the BF. Sleep. If he wants to go out. It's as a couple never without the other, and of course wherever he wants to go. Similarly, this guy is the best thing since sliced bread and anyone that queries it has been told "You don't know him like I do" or they are just jealous that their BFs aren't as devoted to them!
In both cases their BFs have BECOME their lives, to the exclusion of everyone and thing else. Now at this point, I'll add we/I have no plans to interfere or force contact since it would only end up causing problems for them. In many ways, they are probably very happy with the way things are. Their life, their rules. Perhaps they don't like having to make decisions and are happy to let 1 person do the thinking.
But for me and my mates. It's completely alien. It screams "Doormat" to us! Surely the whole point of a relationship is to experience things you wouldn't normally do. I daresay many a PHer wife has gone to a car show which they probably didn't want to, but went because of their relationship. And I'd hope that's been reciprocated whether that's time at a show or going to an event not really your thing. To expand your experiences. Also, we don't think we want a partner that blindly does what we want. I want someone with their own opinions, their own life and the gumption to tell me I'm being a prick if I am. The phrase we decided upon was "Someone to SHARE your life with, not RUN it"
Is it simply low self esteem? Is it borderline domestic abuse? Conversely, is it actually a good way for these people to live? Some people are crap with decision making after all.
EDIT TO ADD. Is it actually a crime to control someone's life to this extent? I'm not sure it is. The Weaker party has to consent to it in a form. If they are prevented from leaving that's more of an issue, but these ladies are fine with it seemingly.
{Slight Tangent: A good friend I know. When he met his then GF, I never really liked her. Too bossy, pretentious amongst other traits. When they got married she gritted her teeth around me. But as soon as their child was born the Law was laid down. He was to cease all contact with me. He complied. I heard about it, so didn't force it. 4 years later, after their marriage broke down and the subsequent Divorce he came to see me and Apologised for listenting to her. I accepted, since contact with his child was more important than me! And we went back to how we were before. So it's not just girls who let others control them}
Edited by Rich_W on Wednesday 3rd February 22:52
I've had the reverse of this situation happen to my dad. I assume to this day that it was some kind of mid-life crisis silliness, but a few years after his divorce he left one woman and started seeing another woman, who was apparently separated from her husband and in the process of divorcing him. I met her once and all seemed normal for the first few months until my dad just vanished off everyone's radar - for a good year or two.
During this time concerns were growing from his mother, sister and brother, all of whom had called him up multiple times only to be told that my dad didn't know who they were. My brother called him on one occasion only to get the same treatment, my dad claimed he had no idea who he was. It was all very strange and was as if he'd somehow lost his memory and contact with his family. Finally however he re-emerged when that relationship he was in ended and it turned out that the woman was very controlling, to the point that she demanded he cut off all contact with his family and friends and to deny knowing them if they attempted to contact him - which astonishingly he did for well over a year.
This was all several years ago now and I've yet to bring the subject up further to find out what exactly happened here, I can only assume some kind of mid-life crisis messed with his head making him think that this was acceptable at the time.
During this time concerns were growing from his mother, sister and brother, all of whom had called him up multiple times only to be told that my dad didn't know who they were. My brother called him on one occasion only to get the same treatment, my dad claimed he had no idea who he was. It was all very strange and was as if he'd somehow lost his memory and contact with his family. Finally however he re-emerged when that relationship he was in ended and it turned out that the woman was very controlling, to the point that she demanded he cut off all contact with his family and friends and to deny knowing them if they attempted to contact him - which astonishingly he did for well over a year.
This was all several years ago now and I've yet to bring the subject up further to find out what exactly happened here, I can only assume some kind of mid-life crisis messed with his head making him think that this was acceptable at the time.
It would be interesting to be a 'fly on the wall' in one of these relationships or hear from someone first hand who has been in a highly controlled one to see how it works that's for sure.
I do wonder if I was on the verge of one, I went out with a woman who wanted to (and did to a mild extent) change things about me. I don't mind some things being changed for the better or being introduced to new things, but I dug my heels in over others and one evening I was met with a great tirade of verbal abuse and she walked, never to be heard of again. I did wonder if she'd realised she wasn't going to mould me into something else and got frustrated when it wasn't going her way.
I do wonder if I was on the verge of one, I went out with a woman who wanted to (and did to a mild extent) change things about me. I don't mind some things being changed for the better or being introduced to new things, but I dug my heels in over others and one evening I was met with a great tirade of verbal abuse and she walked, never to be heard of again. I did wonder if she'd realised she wasn't going to mould me into something else and got frustrated when it wasn't going her way.
227bhp said:
It would be interesting to be a 'fly on the wall' in one of these relationships or hear from someone first hand who has been in a highly controlled one to see how it works that's for sure.
I do wonder if I was on the verge of one, I went out with a woman who wanted to (and did to a mild extent) change things about me. I don't mind some things being changed for the better or being introduced to new things, but I dug my heels in over others and one evening I was met with a great tirade of verbal abuse and she walked, never to be heard of again. I did wonder if she'd realised she wasn't going to mould me into something else and got frustrated when it wasn't going her way.
Hmm, I've had this before. It didn't occur to me that it was controlling as such at the time.I do wonder if I was on the verge of one, I went out with a woman who wanted to (and did to a mild extent) change things about me. I don't mind some things being changed for the better or being introduced to new things, but I dug my heels in over others and one evening I was met with a great tirade of verbal abuse and she walked, never to be heard of again. I did wonder if she'd realised she wasn't going to mould me into something else and got frustrated when it wasn't going her way.
Luckily, I'm far too much of a free spirit, so I just shrugged it off and she walked.... into a new relationship, in which he controlled her to some extent.
It seems quite common.
Definitely not just blokes controlling women - it's happing to my mate right now.
He won't have any of it though about her being controlling & part of me actually think he likes it - being told what to do, where to go, who he can see etc. From what I can work out, she's a "social climber" and doesn't like the fact he grew up on a rough council estate.
He's gone from being a good laugh to being pretty f
king dull. Everything he does now (or wants to do) needs approval from her. As an example, a few of us used to get together & go and watch the Touring Cars every year - it was basically an excuse to get pissed for a weekend & catch up with friends. He's not allowed to come any more as getting pissed in a field is just not the done thing.
We know her as Hyacinth (as in Bucket).
He won't have any of it though about her being controlling & part of me actually think he likes it - being told what to do, where to go, who he can see etc. From what I can work out, she's a "social climber" and doesn't like the fact he grew up on a rough council estate.
He's gone from being a good laugh to being pretty f
king dull. Everything he does now (or wants to do) needs approval from her. As an example, a few of us used to get together & go and watch the Touring Cars every year - it was basically an excuse to get pissed for a weekend & catch up with friends. He's not allowed to come any more as getting pissed in a field is just not the done thing.We know her as Hyacinth (as in Bucket).
Baz Tench said:
227bhp said:
It would be interesting to be a 'fly on the wall' in one of these relationships or hear from someone first hand who has been in a highly controlled one to see how it works that's for sure.
I do wonder if I was on the verge of one, I went out with a woman who wanted to (and did to a mild extent) change things about me. I don't mind some things being changed for the better or being introduced to new things, but I dug my heels in over others and one evening I was met with a great tirade of verbal abuse and she walked, never to be heard of again. I did wonder if she'd realised she wasn't going to mould me into something else and got frustrated when it wasn't going her way.
Hmm, I've had this before. It didn't occur to me that it was controlling as such at the time.I do wonder if I was on the verge of one, I went out with a woman who wanted to (and did to a mild extent) change things about me. I don't mind some things being changed for the better or being introduced to new things, but I dug my heels in over others and one evening I was met with a great tirade of verbal abuse and she walked, never to be heard of again. I did wonder if she'd realised she wasn't going to mould me into something else and got frustrated when it wasn't going her way.
Luckily, I'm far too much of a free spirit, so I just shrugged it off and she walked.... into a new relationship, in which he controlled her to some extent.
It seems quite common.
I'm in a bit of a quandary with one right now, she is religious and i'm the opposite. My first thoughts were that it's ok for her to do and believe what she wants, but as time has worn on she thinks I should support her more and come to some of their services or other social events they do, she hasn't forced the issue. I think I'd feel a bit awkward and fraudulent, but she points out other atheist partners do it.
My stance is that she won't shave her beaver so i'm not going.
To a small degree this happened to my dad.
Mum and dad divorced 17 ish years ago, dad re-married to an old childhood sweetheart who absolutely loathed my sister and wasn't too keen on my eldest daughter either; both of whom were my dads favourites.
We; as in my side, all got on well but I saw flashes of her personality occasionally but for my dad's sake; whom I was extremely close to, myself and the wife chose to ignore the vast majority of it.
When it came to my sister and her family she would try her hardest to make sure there was as little contact as possible; even with the grandkids, if there was a birthday party or ballet show she would come up with a reason that they couldn't go and my dad just ran with it. I can recall two occasions where my dad had phoned me in tears because his wife had packed up to leave; both occasions were where my dad had stood up to her over my sister and my daughter; he backed down both times and I can imagine it happened more often than those two times.
He also stopped socialising with his mates and they only did everything together and she also ended up working in the same building as him.
Sadly he died just over a year ago, my aunt (dad's sister) said that the divorce from my mum ruined him and she felt that he didn't want to spend his twighlight years alone so he just put up with it.
When I look back now and subsequent actions from her since his death, I have come to the conclusion that my sister was right all along and she is an evil controlling and manipulative witch, when she tried to control and manipulate me, after his death, she got short thrift and subsequently she pulled all contact from us.
Mum and dad divorced 17 ish years ago, dad re-married to an old childhood sweetheart who absolutely loathed my sister and wasn't too keen on my eldest daughter either; both of whom were my dads favourites.
We; as in my side, all got on well but I saw flashes of her personality occasionally but for my dad's sake; whom I was extremely close to, myself and the wife chose to ignore the vast majority of it.
When it came to my sister and her family she would try her hardest to make sure there was as little contact as possible; even with the grandkids, if there was a birthday party or ballet show she would come up with a reason that they couldn't go and my dad just ran with it. I can recall two occasions where my dad had phoned me in tears because his wife had packed up to leave; both occasions were where my dad had stood up to her over my sister and my daughter; he backed down both times and I can imagine it happened more often than those two times.
He also stopped socialising with his mates and they only did everything together and she also ended up working in the same building as him.
Sadly he died just over a year ago, my aunt (dad's sister) said that the divorce from my mum ruined him and she felt that he didn't want to spend his twighlight years alone so he just put up with it.
When I look back now and subsequent actions from her since his death, I have come to the conclusion that my sister was right all along and she is an evil controlling and manipulative witch, when she tried to control and manipulate me, after his death, she got short thrift and subsequently she pulled all contact from us.
Edited by HTP99 on Thursday 4th February 11:26
Baz Tench said:
227bhp said:
she won't shave her beaver
O/T, but fair play to her!I'm not a fan of this shaven haven fixation. It's not a womanly look to me, give me a hairy one any day!
If I posed the question to anyone under the age of 25 they'd probably say 'Hairy fanny? Urrgh what's one of those!' I don't get much pleasure playing with something that resembles Chewbacca's armpit.My ex came already hairless whilst mine resembled Wurzel Gummidge, she asked if i'd shear it off, I said if that's what you want then crack on luv, so she whipped out the clippers and got busy.
This is why I'm having difficulty understanding why the current one is so dead against it, i've never hit a stone wall like this before as to me it's of little consequence, it's not like I asked her to have my name tattooed on her or anything like that.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b047zl98/murd...
Extreme example based on a true story. Should be required viewing for teenage girls.
Extreme example based on a true story. Should be required viewing for teenage girls.
Just to be boring and play devil's advocate (and I skimmed the thread a bit so apologies if this has been said already) but isn't it possible that these folks have gone into a relationship and voluntarily cut off their previous circles of friends? I've seen that happen as well as the scenarios described by the OP. A close friend of mine from our days at Uni basically cut a lot of her mates off completely (me included) when she met the man who she eventually married and from what we can work out, it was entirely her doing.
one of the daughters friends has just come out of a relationship like this, i know her quite well as I coached her football team for a couple of years (before the relationship, she wasn't allowed to play during)
the guy was an utter control freak, and even threatened to slap her mum, her dad obviously was livid but talked out of flooring the little st.
to say she has changed after splitting up with him is an understatement. she is now with a really nice guy who adores her, she's been to our house for the 1st time in years and was great company (daughter and her boyfriend live with us).
i don't get it, i suspect one relationship i had at uni was curtailed by her as I said no to being constrained once too often, the guy she saw afterwards was told what nights they could see each other and who to see when they weren't together. poor sap swallowed it as well.
the guy was an utter control freak, and even threatened to slap her mum, her dad obviously was livid but talked out of flooring the little s
t.to say she has changed after splitting up with him is an understatement. she is now with a really nice guy who adores her, she's been to our house for the 1st time in years and was great company (daughter and her boyfriend live with us).
i don't get it, i suspect one relationship i had at uni was curtailed by her as I said no to being constrained once too often, the guy she saw afterwards was told what nights they could see each other and who to see when they weren't together. poor sap swallowed it as well.
elvismiggell said:
Have seen this with some friends too.
I'd love to know how many of the "controllers" even realise they're doing it.
I wouldn't be surprised if it’s all of them... and overheard 3 people say "this person X is my little project now".I'd love to know how many of the "controllers" even realise they're doing it.
I suspected an ex-fiancé of something similar – a woman totally incapable of compromise. If I want a laugh I read her Facebook page, and realise she is still at it….
There's a chap in a village, utter bd. Every time I hear him makes my blood boil
Wife is pregnant. he's stopped her driving, alienated her friends. She was supposed to go to the hospital for a check-up but he cancelled her father taking her so that she could go on her own in a taxi.
He's also decided to 'job share' on the family farm - it was her job. Bizarrely the wife's mother who was a bit of a stick up for yourself liberal is just rolling over and letting him do this to her daughter.
She needs to wake up but despite 5 million people shouting nothing changes.
d. Every time I hear him makes my blood boilWife is pregnant. he's stopped her driving, alienated her friends. She was supposed to go to the hospital for a check-up but he cancelled her father taking her so that she could go on her own in a taxi.
He's also decided to 'job share' on the family farm - it was her job. Bizarrely the wife's mother who was a bit of a stick up for yourself liberal is just rolling over and letting him do this to her daughter.
She needs to wake up but despite 5 million people shouting nothing changes.
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