Mrs very broody, i feel bad about being apprehensive

[Rick_1138]

Hi folks,

My fiancee and I are getting married on the 2nd of April, all is organised and booked and am looking forward to it.

We are saving for a house deposit expecting to be ready to start looking to apply in September October.

We have talked about kids in a vague way a lot and we expect to be trying in the near future, but last night the fiancee asked quite suddenly when we should stop using birth control.

This threw me a bit, and i felt bad for being a bit taken aback.

I am 34 in June and she was 30 last october and i realise her hormones will be going mental, and her parents had kids much younger than mine, my mum was 31 when she had me, her mum was about 26 with her first.

We stay in a rented flat with good space and if she stops work we are planning on her staying at home for a couple of years anyway so just on my salary.

We are pretty much set, with just the mortgage interviews being the biggest issue we could face (she is paranoid anything on our records will throw up a wall, however both our credit ratings are very good)

I know there is never a perfect time to have kids, but we are in a good place, i am just nervous i wont be very good, or i make a stupid mistake with cash as the only breadwinner and get caught out one month.

Probably just normal jitters, love my fiancee loads, i just worry i will not cope well as an only child and being pretty insular my whole life, i dont want to walk into this then find everything a mad rush come christmas.

Bit of a wandering post, sorry for that, just a bit of a brain haze.

[Adenauer]

Sounds like you are better prepared than 90% of most couples that start to breed.

Go for it I'd say, you don't really want to start trying when you're too much older.

[stinkspanner]

If I was you I'd get the mortgage sorted first, once your income is comprised by a sprog you're options are limited

[Jasandjules]

You don't seem to feel you are "too young" or don't want but more the financials. They are expensive, but appear to be very much worth it....

[mike74]

Just explain to her that earth is already overpopulated by approximately 5 billion people and that every new person born just adds to the parasitic, planet destroying virus that is the human race.

[Baryonyx]

Either do it now or don't. Do you really want to be raising a teenager in your fifties? Exactly. If you're not behind the idea now, say so.

[_dobbo_]

Couple of points from my experience.

I don't remember ever feeling ready to have kids. When the midwife handed me a little bag of mewling grey skin I was like, "Don't give that to me, I'm not fit to be a parent!"

Now have a three year old and a one year old, both boys, every day is an "adventure". But it is worth it, if you are prepared to give up a large portion of your identity and pre-kids existence. I love my boys and wouldn't change anything.

Regarding when to come off birth control - even if she does it right now, it could take two to three months before your girlfriend falls pregnant, and that is assuming you have no other problems. It took us two years of trying before we were told we were unlikely to have children naturally, so needed help.

First child was the product of some amazing NHS doctors, and a not particularly pleasant process lasting several weeks/months. Second came along after a particularly good night out at a party and no help required, quite unexpected!

Finance wise, kids are expensive, make no mistake.

None of the reasons you've given seem like anything other than normal jitters about making such a huge decision. But whatever you do, I wouldn't bank on having a baby by Christmas...

[Rick_1138]

This is the thing, i know i will like a kid, i am good with my mates 18 month old and my brother in law has 3 kids, 6, 3 and 5 months and they all play around me when i am down south and want me to make Brio railways

I think its because the Fiancee has been on the pill for a while she is worried it will take ages to get pregnant (which is genuine concern as it can) however my best mate was in same boat and come night of wedding, boom, Gabe was made so can come quick.

I realise the mortgage thing may be an issue but i have tried to plan a mortgage on my finances alone and can afford the houses we are looking at including if interest rates spiked a bit, though that would be lidl shopping at reduced section a lot, but that would be the same for anyone if mortgages doubled etc.

I think i am just a bit hesitant as its a massive commitment, for the rest of your life, and i will now not be the most childish person in the relationship

Also, i am in the camp of not being phased at other peoples kids at all, and worry that i wont care about my own, but been told by many you just switch onto caring about your own,,,,, but still dont care about other peoples

[Krikkit]

I would get yourselves settled in a house first, then once that's taken care of (moving is a shockingly expensive time) you can start down the kids route.

[PurpleTurtle]

OP - I got married at 40, three years ago - wife and I met later in life. Kids were definitely on the radar, in fact it's the reason we got married. I somewhat naiively thought we might enjoy a couple of years of matrimonial bliss before we had to start worrying about all that shizzle. Oh no - wife stopped taking the pill a few months in advance of the wedding - wanted to get it out of her system, it takes a while to return to 'normal'.

We have a 1yo son now, but only after 2 years of endless trying to get pregnant, that proved very stressful and really tested our relationship. Before we started on that I was blissfully unaware of the drop off in female fertility - read up on it, but in summary it goes off a cliff at 35. Your fiancee is probably well aware of this and wants to crack on, understandably. After what we went through I would heartily recommend anyone who wants kids to get on board sooner rather than later - it was no fun looking on Mumsnet rather than PH for advice!

All I would say is, as you haven't bought a place yet, can you afford it on one salary? We assumed that my wife's employer (Managerial job in Local Authority Further Education), would bend over backwards to accomodate flexible working after maternity leave. Nope. Not an inch given, so the combined logistics of travel and nursery costs meant that she would see our son for an hour a day max, and bring in a net £70/week after expenses for doing a 4 day week. Not really worth all the aggro. She told them to whistle for it so we've dropped to one salary until our son is a bit older. We're fortunate, in that although our mortgage isn't small, we can manage on one salary, PH style toys on hold for the next few years. Do your sums carefully, would be my advice, especially if you are going to have to pay for childcare.

Edited by PurpleTurtle on Friday 11th March 10:28

[Rick_1138]

_dobbo_ said:

Couple of points from my experience.

I don't remember ever feeling ready to have kids. When the midwife handed me a little bag of mewling grey skin I was like, "Don't give that to me, I'm not fit to be a parent!"

Now have a three year old and a one year old, both boys, every day is an "adventure". But it is worth it, if you are prepared to give up a large portion of your identity and pre-kids existence. I love my boys and wouldn't change anything.

Regarding when to come off birth control - even if she does it right now, it could take two to three months before your girlfriend falls pregnant, and that is assuming you have no other problems. It took us two years of trying before we were told we were unlikely to have children naturally, so needed help.

First child was the product of some amazing NHS doctors, and a not particularly pleasant process lasting several weeks/months. Second came along after a particularly good night out at a party and no help required, quite unexpected!

Finance wise, kids are expensive, make no mistake.

None of the reasons you've given seem like anything other than normal jitters about making such a huge decision. But whatever you do, I wouldn't bank on having a baby by Christmas...

Thanks for that, helps a lot.

I should say, i am not wanting to put it off for a few more years, i just meant till we have a house, but the rental we are in has plenty of space and would be fine, i just hadn't planned on re-decorating a new house with a newborn.

I am also a tiny bit owrried i wont be able to have kids and that would destroy my fiancee as she loves kids and wants 2.

Stupid thoughts, but thats just my worrying mind at work.

I did download the fatherhood book by Marcus Berkman on recomendations from here

[littlegreenfairy]

If it helps I can't stand other people's kids. Mine is ok though.

You're never ready but you just change and do it all. I really cannot emphasise how much I hate children. They are noisy and irritating and dull. People who coo over babies baffle me. People who discuss them endlessly have something wrong with them in my eyes.

However, your own are quite different.

Just never EVER wake a sleeping baby.

[HTP99]

Baryonyx said:

Either do it now or don't. Do you really want to be raising a teenager in your fifties? Exactly. If you're not behind the idea now, say so.

This; I had kids young, too young at the time, but it worked out for us, however I see people in their late 30's and early 40's just starting with kids; I'm 41, and I think fk that, couldn't think of anything worse than just starting a family at that age, both of mine are independent and; as selfish as it may sound, we don't have to give them a great deal of consideration when me and the wife want to do something.

My sister is 36, she has a 5 year old and a 7 year old, she wants another; God knows why, the two that she has are exhausting enough and knocking on 40, having three; one a baby or toddler, will will be bloody hard work.

[Rick_1138]

PurpleTurtle said:

OP - I got married at 40, three years ago - wife and I met later in life. Kids were definitely on the radar, in fact it's the reason we got married. I somewhat naiively thought we might enjoy a couple of years of matrimonial bliss before we had to start worrying about all that shizzle. Oh no - wife stopped taking the pill a few months in advance of the wedding - wanted to get it out of her system, it takes a while to return to 'normal'.

We have a 1yo son now, but only after 2 years of endless trying to get pregnant, that proved very stressful and really tested our relationship. Before we started on that I was blissfully unaware of the drop off in female fertility - read up on it, but in summary it goes off a cliff at 35. Your fiancee is probably well aware of this and wants to crack on, understandably. After what we went through I would heartily recommend anyone who wants kids to get on board sooner rather than later - it was no fun looking on Mumsnet rather than PH for advice!

All I would say is, as you haven't bought a place yet, can you afford it on one salary? We assumed that my wife's employer (Managerial job in Local Authority Further Education), would bend over backwards to accomodate flexible working after maternity leave. Nope. Not an inch given, so the combined logistics of travel and nursery costs meant that she would see our sone for an hour a day max, and bring in a net £70/week after expenses for doing a 4 day week. Not really worth all the aggro. She told them to whistle for it so we've dropped to one salary until our son is a bit older. We're fortunate, in that although our mortgage isn't small, we can manage on one salary, PH style toys on hold for the next few years. Do your sums carefully, would be my advice, especially if you are going to have to pay for childcare.

All good advice,

We have been in our flat for 2 years and have a lot of furniture and such so moving into a new house we have everything needed bar a few things like maybe some kitchen bits but as long as the new house has a fitted kitchen (even an old one) that works fine, i am happy to do all DIY at a later stage.

My Fiancee knows about the 35 year cliff and i am aware too and we know we want kids well before that. She came off the pill about 2 months ago in preperation a bit like your situ, but again i dont expect it straight away.

I think the main thing is, for years you are told to 'use protection' and worry about getting a girl pregnant, now you are not using protection, it feels wrong. Very odd.

Her work is very forgiving in that respect (works at a charity as a manager, and they are very good at holding jobs and giving full matty leave\pay so we are fortunate there.

I have been doing sums on mortgages using just my salary after we have our joint savings as a deposit and after all bills with an expected mortgage of about £550-700PM i will have about £200 a month left after all bills, including, food, fuel etc. so less worried about that.

Car wise, my old man has said he would buy me a second hand car like a 3 series 4-door, like an e-90 so we have a reliable car and that way no loan payments or car finance for a good while, very generous of him, but he says i can then sell my DC5 and put that cash towards house deposit to reduce monthly payments a bit more.

Main thing is we arent precious about branded things, and am happy to sort out things like decent prams that arent an extra £150 just for the name, but would pay more for a good car baby seat set up that will last them etc.

I think i am just at that last mental hurdle of "i am choosing to become a dad!" even though i still buy lego and paint wargame miniatures.

however my mate did say, in 6 years, you will have a willing helper haha.

[David87]

I'll be honest (most lot of new parents seemingly aren't): the first year is generally pretty terrible.

But, slowly but surely, being a dad turns into the best thing you could ever have wished for in your life. Yes, you might feel a bit scared, but just go with it - you'll soon realise it's not scary at all!

Also, they aren't that expensive. Once you've bought all the st, keeping them fuelled and serviced is pretty cheap.

[_dobbo_]

Rick_1138 said:

I should say, i am not wanting to put it off for a few more years, i just meant till we have a house, but the rental we are in has plenty of space and would be fine, i just hadn't planned on re-decorating a new house with a newborn.

I am also a tiny bit owrried i wont be able to have kids and that would destroy my fiancee as she loves kids and wants 2.

Don't worry about decorating anything - newborns don't do anything except eat sleep poop repeat. We didn't redecorate anything, just whacked a cot in a room when we needed to. Only decorating happened when the oldest moved into another room and we had to buy a new bed and curtains.

Regarding being worried about not being able to have kids, in our scenario the problem was me - but still with the help of the NHS we were able to have a child. I wasn't living a very healthy lifestyle pre-children and there was clearly a price to pay for that. Enforced healthy living through having a child helped sort that, hence child 2.0 showing up so easily.

My point is, whatever your problem, unless either of you is completely unable to have children, you can probably have children. If you can't, you won't find out for a long time, then you can still adopt, or just get like 5 dogs or something.




Edit, read this, fairly accurate (you'll have to close the picture to get to the writing bit):

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1744895085...

Edited by _dobbo_ on Friday 11th March 10:47

Edited by _dobbo_ on Friday 11th March 10:48

[Rick_1138]

David87 said:

I'll be honest (most lot of new parents seemingly aren't): the first year is generally pretty terrible.

But, slowly but surely, being a dad turns into the best thing you could ever have wished for in your life. Yes, you might feel a bit scared, but just go with it - you'll soon realise it's not scary at all!

Also, they aren't that expensive. Once you've bought all the st, keeping them fuelled and serviced is pretty cheap.

Good PH analogy!

[ATG]

Frankly you'd be mental if you weren't feeling apprehensive. Having a kid is a huge responsibility, it can be difficult to get up the duff in the first place, and your life will be changed enormously. Get your accommodation and finances on an even keel, feel the apprehension, then do it anyway. It's always going to be a leap into the unknown, and feeling apprehensive is a perfectly sensible response.

[Rick_1138]

_dobbo_ said:

Don't worry about decorating anything - newborns don't do anything except eat sleep poop repeat. We didn't redecorate anything, just whacked a cot in a room when we needed to. Only decorating happened when the oldest moved into another room and we had to buy a new bed and curtains.

Regarding being worried about not being able to have kids, in our scenario the problem was me - but still with the help of the NHS we were able to have a child. I wasn't living a very healthy lifestyle pre-children and there was clearly a price to pay for that. Enforced healthy living through having a child helped sort that, hence child 2.0 showing up so easily.

My point is, whatever your problem, unless either of you is completely unable to have children, you can probably have children. If you can't, you won't find out for a long time, then you can still adopt, or just get like 5 dogs or something.




Edit, read this, fairly accurate (you'll have to close the picture to get to the writing bit):

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1744895085...

Edited by _dobbo_ on Friday 11th March 10:47

Edited by _dobbo_ on Friday 11th March 10:48

I am a bit unhealthy, i am not Fat, but got a little bit of a belly, i am 5'7" and 73KG but after wedding i am going back on treadmill and free weights to get back to about 65kg again before i had steroids and bowel surgery

Having Cronh's i am worried about having issues, like needing the loo suddenly and having the baby\pram, and having a toddler in the loo with me, but i know kids dont care they'll just see it as normal that dad needs the loo a lot, and like everything, you adapt.


Also, the 5 dogs will be an addition to kids, she loves her animals does my Mrs

[anonymous-user]

Because she thinks getting married and having a baby is the key to never having to work again. So you are going to be sent out to the plantation every day and provide for her while she stays at home. I know she is telling you that it will only be for a couple of years, but trust me she will want another one and will end up never going back to work.

Marriage, provider, house, children, never having to work again.....

I now expect a stream of abuse from blue pill men who do not know how the world works.