separating with partner looking for advice regarding my son

[stepmeek]

Firstly, not sure where this should be posted so feel free to move it if unsuitable please mods.

I am going through the process of splitting up with my partner and I have a one year old son. We are unmarried and I would like to know where I stand with sharing custody of him etc. If anyone has been through something similar I would like to hear from then.

My main concern is what rights am I granted as his dad with being unmarried? Will I automatically be given rights to see him X times per week or is it more complicated than that?

I do have an appointment with a lawyer but I am currently working out of the country at the minute and would like to get as much info as I can before this goes further.

Thanks in advance.

[Vaud]

Starting point.

Is your name on the birth certificate?

[stepmeek]

Yes it is.

We have been together 5 years, both mature and reasonable people. However I am worried about the reaction of her family and feel she might end up getting pressured into making things difficult for me.

[Leptons]

I'll stick my 2p in as I'd hate to see someone make the same mistakes I did. Firstly, you're on the birth certificate great news. You automatically have shared Parental responsibility.
This is the way you need to approach the situation. It's not the way I approached the situation a few years back because of what people repeat about Women winning and men losing out all the time because it doesn't have to be that way.
You want 50/50 split care, you have half the week the ex has the other. Don't let her call the shots. If you can somehow retain the child benefit entitlement then do. It will make things easier in the long run in case she goes to the csa. And believe me, you do not want that.

Be amicable but don't bow down to her is what I'm saying.

P.s marriage has absolutely no bearing on the situation.

[stepmeek]

Thank you mate that's what I was looking for regarding the 50/50 point if I am on the birth certificate.

Regarding the CSA, do they only get involved if you cannot come to an agreement regarding finances etc? I am the main earner and have no problem paying for her and my son to have a roof over their head.

The other point which might make it more complicated is that I work away around half the year, hopefully I won't be penalised for this?

[Impasse]

Yes, the CSA (now called CMS) is for those parents who can't reach an amicable financial arrangement. Pop your numbers into the dot gov calculator to give you a more accurate idea of the minimum the non-resident parent should be paying.
Don't welch on this, the money is to help your child's upbringing despite you thinking the other parent might just be using it for booze and fags.

[hashtag]

Try try try try to reach an amicable agreement without resorting to the courts.

Ending up in court only benefits the solicitor.

Remember the discussion is about your child, focus on him.

[Gtom]

This happened to me just over 12 months ago (Christmas day 2014) and my lad was a few days short of being two years old.

I'm not going to lie, for me it's been hard. Very hard. I'm a self employed tradesman so I tend to work long hours so this clashes with my time that I see my lad.

You say you are currently working away, can you do this still when it's your turn to have your kid? A late night deadline or a meeting with a client early one morning would also be difficult. I have to rely on my parents way more than I feel comfortable with but I don't have much choice.

Just sit and wait for your ex to be fed all the b/s under the sun by her mates who 'know a friend of a friend' so it must be right. Mine wanted close to 3 times the amount the csa calculator said was correct. I give plenty over this now but in her eyes I'm being a bad father.

I have my lad every Wednesday night and every other weekend. It's nowhere near enough and it kills me.

[stepmeek]

Gtom said:

This happened to me just over 12 months ago (Christmas day 2014) and my lad was a few days short of being two years old.

I'm not going to lie, for me it's been hard. Very hard. I'm a self employed tradesman so I tend to work long hours so this clashes with my time that I see my lad.

You say you are currently working away, can you do this still when it's your turn to have your kid? A late night deadline or a meeting with a client early one morning would also be difficult. I have to rely on my parents way more than I feel comfortable with but I don't have much choice.

Just sit and wait for your ex to be fed all the b/s under the sun by her mates who 'know a friend of a friend' so it must be right. Mine wanted close to 3 times the amount the csa calculator said was correct. I give plenty over this now but in her eyes I'm being a bad father.

I have my lad every Wednesday night and every other weekend. It's nowhere near enough and it kills me.

This puts it into perspective. When I say I work away I mean I am out of the country for half of the year, I have a feeling this is going to complicate things massively for me.

[Impasse]

stepmeek said:

This puts it into perspective. When I say I work away I mean I am out of the country for half of the year, I have a feeling this is going to complicate things massively for me.

I think on a practical level you have no hope of being awarded residency and I'd question the sanity of even thinking about it as it wouldn't really be fair on your child.

[big_northern_monkey]

To reiterate what others have said, keep it civil at all costs.

I've spend a year apart from my little girls mum. The hardest and most upsetting periods, for everyone, were the unambicial bits. The little one always catches on and in my experience it had a profound negative effect on her. Don't bite and do whatever is best for the child.

[Leptons]

Impasse said:

I think on a practical level you have no hope of being awarded residency and I'd question the sanity of even thinking about it as it wouldn't really be fair on your child.

This is the exact attitude the OP doesn't need to hear. He has every right and chance of having 50/50 shared care of his child if that is what he wants. OP needs to start as he means to go on.

Regarding maintenance if he has the child 50% of the time there is no requirement to pay the ex any money at all.

[Leptons]

stepmeek said:

This puts it into perspective. When I say I work away I mean I am out of the country for half of the year, I have a feeling this is going to complicate things massively for me.

I think you're right.

[Impasse]

Leptons said:

This is the exact attitude the OP doesn't need to hear. He has every right and chance of having 50/50 shared care of his child if that is what he wants. OP needs to start as he means to go on.

Regarding maintenance if he has the child 50% of the time there is no requirement to pay the ex any money at all.

Not at all. The child's welfare comes first. Shared 50/50 care is different to being the resident parent and my comments were about residency. There are practical arrangements to be made which will need to fit in around the OP being out of the country for 6 months each year - all with what's best for the child at the forefront of any decision.

[Sheets Tabuer]

Impasse said:

Don't welch on this, the money is to help your child's upbringing despite you thinking the other parent might just be using it for booze and fags.

My ex called me to ask if she could have the cash a day early as it was her mums birthday, at christmas she wanted January's money because she'd not bought her sister anything.

[Vaud]

Leptons said:

stepmeek said:

This puts it into perspective. When I say I work away I mean I am out of the country for half of the year, I have a feeling this is going to complicate things massively for me.

I think you're right.

Me too.

I think (no experience) that you will get good access rights but not 50% often year when netted out.

Are there any jobs you could get that would keep you more local?

[stepmeek]

With regards to 50/50 residency, that is not something I expect, and given my current work situation it clearly isn't practical. What I am hoping for is that when I am at home and not away with work, I get to see my son a fair amount of time. Whether that is a couple of days a week or whatever it may be, as long as I cannot be forced into not seeing him.

Clearly this is going to need to be discussed with a lawyer but thank you to everyone who has responded, better to hear from people with first hand experience.

[stepmeek]

Vaud said:

Me too.

I think (no experience) that you will get good access rights but not 50% often year when netted out.

Are there any jobs you could get that would keep you more local?

Yes, and it is certainly something I will be looking at in the future. But as it stands now I am not in a position to take a job at home.

All I am hoping is that I am not penalised for working away, the only reason I ever worked away was to provide a better life for my family and now it is not as simple as just quitting my job. When I am home, as long as I get a share of quality time with my son, I will be happy.

[Vaud]

stepmeek said:

Yes, and it is certainly something I will be looking at in the future. But as it stands now I am not in a position to take a job at home.

All I am hoping is that I am not penalised for working away, the only reason I ever worked away was to provide a better life for my family and now it is not as simple as just quitting my job. When I am home, as long as I get a share of quality time with my son, I will be happy.

Good luck. I have no advice other than stay positive, try to keep a positive open channel with your ex and offer mediation first rather than lawyers.

[Robertj21a]

Can't add much, there's some good advice on here already. I have to emphasise the importance of keeping it civil and avoiding solicitors as much as possible (perhaps just for drawing up a joint agreement). Try hard - very very hard - to sort out financial arrangements between you that are both realistic and achievable. Don't allow 2 sets of solicitors to start a war of words [it rarely achieves what either party wants, and they run up steep bills].