In my 30s and no friends....
Discussion
Grateful for any kind words here, as today has been especially lonely for me. I have no true friends, just acquaintances, student "friends", and family. I have a girlfriend and am grateful for this, we do have our ups and downs but this is another story however .
I just cannot fill this tremendous void in my heart and soul, and I long for friends. I have so much to offer in a friendship, but yet, I have no one. Everyone seemingly enjoys being around me, and that is when I am at my best emotional state. I suppose it is a coping mechanism for me to hide the fact that I am so lonely. I know that this is my own doing, because I am sure that if I called someone, we could get together and develop a deeper friendship. I am lacking in self esteem when it comes to this. As much as I hate the loneliness, it has become familiar for me.
I sometimes think it could be down to society-I’m not sure exactly what is wrong, but our society does a really lousy job of bringing people together for truly close relationships. A few generations ago most people married as a matter of course, and now millions of people can’t even find a date (hence the online dating industry). They can’t ALL be hopeless losers.
I think a similar dynamic is going on with friendship. Certainly in a culture with vast entertainment/recreation choices, one that places a high value on convenience, it’s harder to “compete” for people’s attention. And you have to win that competition pretty fast; people just won’t invest the time to let relationships develop when they can go to the internet/TV/multiplex/mall to find something that exactly suits their appetite at that moment.
I need to end this cycle, but don’t know how to start. Sometimes I just spend my days off staring out the window and praying for this misery to stop. Hoping to find some enlightenment from you all, and apologize the pity party thread!!
I just cannot fill this tremendous void in my heart and soul, and I long for friends. I have so much to offer in a friendship, but yet, I have no one. Everyone seemingly enjoys being around me, and that is when I am at my best emotional state. I suppose it is a coping mechanism for me to hide the fact that I am so lonely. I know that this is my own doing, because I am sure that if I called someone, we could get together and develop a deeper friendship. I am lacking in self esteem when it comes to this. As much as I hate the loneliness, it has become familiar for me.
I sometimes think it could be down to society-I’m not sure exactly what is wrong, but our society does a really lousy job of bringing people together for truly close relationships. A few generations ago most people married as a matter of course, and now millions of people can’t even find a date (hence the online dating industry). They can’t ALL be hopeless losers.
I think a similar dynamic is going on with friendship. Certainly in a culture with vast entertainment/recreation choices, one that places a high value on convenience, it’s harder to “compete” for people’s attention. And you have to win that competition pretty fast; people just won’t invest the time to let relationships develop when they can go to the internet/TV/multiplex/mall to find something that exactly suits their appetite at that moment.
I need to end this cycle, but don’t know how to start. Sometimes I just spend my days off staring out the window and praying for this misery to stop. Hoping to find some enlightenment from you all, and apologize the pity party thread!!
Yep, have to agree - it's all about just getting yourself out there! I was in a bit of a similar situation (although a few years younger) and started playing touch rugby (there's a pretty big scene up here in Scotland for some reason) which got me out of the house, meeting people outside of work and generally getting on with it! Have since stopped playing but I made a lot of good friends through it.
There's bound to be something that takes your fancy, even if it's just a walking group or something.
I think that guys in their late-twenties and thirties are particularly bad for this for some reason!
Good luck.
There's bound to be something that takes your fancy, even if it's just a walking group or something.
I think that guys in their late-twenties and thirties are particularly bad for this for some reason!
Good luck.
Dave,
I'm a few months from 30 yet but I think the age is irrelevant. IME many people focusing on a career dedicate so much time to work that they dont leave time for their current friends, or activities to meet new people if they have moved for work.
When I graduated I moved back to my parents to save for a house (they live in a flat elsewhere most of the time though), and worked 9-5:30, or 8-5, only a half hour commute away. It gave me plenty of time for socialising with school friends who were still localish, messing about with cars, and sport. I joined the rowing club local to work and was there every evening and each morning of the weekends for 3 years, and many of the crew who I rowed and trained for Henley with are still great friends, and I met my wife there.
Then I changed jobs, commuting 1.5hours each way and working 7-5:30. I didn't have time for rowing, so that became a social thing and then stopped completely before I couldn't commit enough time. School and uni friends had all moved further afield than I had, and we moved to reduce the commute to just under an hour which is manageable. I'm so thankful that we are close to my wife's family and we all get on well.
Our son was born in December and we umm-ed and argghhed about doing NCT antenatal classes, we went for it in the end and they were OK, but the people we met are great, all similar circumstances and they're lovely.
So I'm pretty lucky, but I still worry that if I don't make time to socialise then I won't have friends, but when I do I'm often so tired that I'm probably not much fun to be around. I should make more time.
I'm a few months from 30 yet but I think the age is irrelevant. IME many people focusing on a career dedicate so much time to work that they dont leave time for their current friends, or activities to meet new people if they have moved for work.
When I graduated I moved back to my parents to save for a house (they live in a flat elsewhere most of the time though), and worked 9-5:30, or 8-5, only a half hour commute away. It gave me plenty of time for socialising with school friends who were still localish, messing about with cars, and sport. I joined the rowing club local to work and was there every evening and each morning of the weekends for 3 years, and many of the crew who I rowed and trained for Henley with are still great friends, and I met my wife there.
Then I changed jobs, commuting 1.5hours each way and working 7-5:30. I didn't have time for rowing, so that became a social thing and then stopped completely before I couldn't commit enough time. School and uni friends had all moved further afield than I had, and we moved to reduce the commute to just under an hour which is manageable. I'm so thankful that we are close to my wife's family and we all get on well.
Our son was born in December and we umm-ed and argghhed about doing NCT antenatal classes, we went for it in the end and they were OK, but the people we met are great, all similar circumstances and they're lovely.
So I'm pretty lucky, but I still worry that if I don't make time to socialise then I won't have friends, but when I do I'm often so tired that I'm probably not much fun to be around. I should make more time.
5potTurbo said:
I share your suspicion, but on balance the writing style is too dissimilar.you can't plan friendships, they just come along like busses, often a few at a time.
You can however put yourself in situations to increase the chances.
do more activities, start doing stuff... like in real life, not online.
If you think tis is a personality issue, then people are drawn to confident, happy people that are having fun. not whiny, quiet depressed people. It can make a vicious circle, but that's life.
You can however put yourself in situations to increase the chances.
do more activities, start doing stuff... like in real life, not online.
If you think tis is a personality issue, then people are drawn to confident, happy people that are having fun. not whiny, quiet depressed people. It can make a vicious circle, but that's life.
Get yourself on here and find your local Table.....
https://www.roundtable.co.uk/
I met and made friends with people you wouldn't normally mix with, proper friends for life.
Each Table organises a full social program every couple of weeks, beer festivals, karting, curry night etc.
Robert
https://www.roundtable.co.uk/
I met and made friends with people you wouldn't normally mix with, proper friends for life.
Each Table organises a full social program every couple of weeks, beer festivals, karting, curry night etc.
Robert
Leicesterdave said:
I just cannot fill this tremendous void in my heart and soul, and I long for friends. I have so much to offer in a friendship
Really?I don't really have any friends either, can't say its ever bothered me.
That line above sounds more like you're looking for a boyfriend.
What activities do you enjoy? I like lots of things and the things I go to are decent enough but rarely to I meet anyone I think will be close friends. Just people to chat to, have a pint with, play a sport with, go for a drive (I guess this is the same as most people) or perhaps most people have large groups of close friends...
Leicesterdave said:
I sometimes think it could be down to society-I’m not sure exactly what is wrong, but our society does a really lousy job of bringing people together for truly close relationships
This comes from a 25yr old bloke who spends half his time ignoring phone calls and invites to events/activities. I'm sitting on PH on a Friday night as I'm poorly
StottyEvo said:
Leicesterdave said:
our society does a really lousy job of bringing people together for truly close relationships
It's all too easy today to disconnect with people and things that you can immerse yourself in properly and substitute these things for shallow, fleeting experiences such as Facebook etc (maybe PH?).
You need to choose a few things to do 'properly' and the people/relationship side will hopefully follow.
You need to choose a few things to do 'properly' and the people/relationship side will hopefully follow.
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