Adoption (Advice from those who were + those who have)
Discussion
So, it is always a sensitive subject when a couple can't have their own children. We are such a couple, it is no ones fault, I guess as they say "it just wasn't meant to be" my wife has a son from a previous relationship now grown up and soon to leave the nest, we however have never had our own and would like to and we are feeling more and more like the time is right.
We about a year ago started the process with a Local Authority one county over, the whole thing left a very bitter taste in the mouth, we left feeling like we were not good enough and we needed them more than they needed us (the guy was incredibly rude to my wife) it took her a little while to come back from this and now we are going to start agfain but we are considering looking elsewhere and want to get some opinions from those who have adopted and those who were adopted so we can try and have a better understanding and be more prepared this time. So to the collecetive..
We about a year ago started the process with a Local Authority one county over, the whole thing left a very bitter taste in the mouth, we left feeling like we were not good enough and we needed them more than they needed us (the guy was incredibly rude to my wife) it took her a little while to come back from this and now we are going to start agfain but we are considering looking elsewhere and want to get some opinions from those who have adopted and those who were adopted so we can try and have a better understanding and be more prepared this time. So to the collecetive..
james_tigerwoods said:
Funny you should link that thread it is what prompted me to get the guts up to post this one 
I'm adopted.
I've never known that I wasn't and as a result, it's not bothered me in the slightest, never. Mum and Dad were Mum and Dad; the people who raised me, fed me, guided me, loved me.....(the last one trumps all others by orders of magnitude).
I have absolutely no interest in knowing who my biological parents are, not even out of curiosity. the only time this has ever cropped up was when my wife fell pregnant with our first and during one of the early normal checks with the doctors, we were asked about any health issues in the family. I mentioned that i didn't know. A note was taken and was never mentioned again.
My Mum has always said that she has all the paper work and details and if I ever wanted to know about by biological roots, I only need ask. Never have. Never will.
I can't speak from my my parent's perspective fully but I get the distinct impression that raising adopted children (my sister's adopted too) was as fulfilling for them as it was / has been for me.
Family is way more than just DNA.
I think the fact that I've always known has meant that for me, it's normal. A friend of mine is one of three brothers; the oldest is adopted, something he only found out by chance and about 10 years ofter both parents had died. They thought they couldn't have children so adopted and a year later, my friend arrived followed two years later by another brother. They never told them and by all accounts, the family that did know kept schtum. He was 52 when he found out and it completely and near devastatingly messed with his head. I'm not certain that he will ever 'recover' totally.
Back to my situation, something that my Mum mentioned only recently that I wasn't aware of was that when I was adopted (1967, I was a month old at the time), there was still in place a law that allowed the birth mother to claim back their child two years after they were adopted. Having now two of my own (not adopted - 16 and 21), I cannot imagine the fear of those first two years that someone will come and take them back. Thankfully, that's a thing of the past.
Hopefully that will give you some insight from the kid's perspective and happy to talk more via PM if it helps but if not, key is to make it known, make it normal and just love 'em loads.
Good luck.
I've never known that I wasn't and as a result, it's not bothered me in the slightest, never. Mum and Dad were Mum and Dad; the people who raised me, fed me, guided me, loved me.....(the last one trumps all others by orders of magnitude).
I have absolutely no interest in knowing who my biological parents are, not even out of curiosity. the only time this has ever cropped up was when my wife fell pregnant with our first and during one of the early normal checks with the doctors, we were asked about any health issues in the family. I mentioned that i didn't know. A note was taken and was never mentioned again.
My Mum has always said that she has all the paper work and details and if I ever wanted to know about by biological roots, I only need ask. Never have. Never will.
I can't speak from my my parent's perspective fully but I get the distinct impression that raising adopted children (my sister's adopted too) was as fulfilling for them as it was / has been for me.
Family is way more than just DNA.
I think the fact that I've always known has meant that for me, it's normal. A friend of mine is one of three brothers; the oldest is adopted, something he only found out by chance and about 10 years ofter both parents had died. They thought they couldn't have children so adopted and a year later, my friend arrived followed two years later by another brother. They never told them and by all accounts, the family that did know kept schtum. He was 52 when he found out and it completely and near devastatingly messed with his head. I'm not certain that he will ever 'recover' totally.
Back to my situation, something that my Mum mentioned only recently that I wasn't aware of was that when I was adopted (1967, I was a month old at the time), there was still in place a law that allowed the birth mother to claim back their child two years after they were adopted. Having now two of my own (not adopted - 16 and 21), I cannot imagine the fear of those first two years that someone will come and take them back. Thankfully, that's a thing of the past.
Hopefully that will give you some insight from the kid's perspective and happy to talk more via PM if it helps but if not, key is to make it known, make it normal and just love 'em loads.
Good luck.
I would also add that these days very few children are given up voluntary at birth. Children are most frequently removed, sometimes due to neglect or abuse, months or years after they are born. They are likely to gave been through at least one or two foster families as well. They will have suffered developmental traumas simply due to the carer changes, let alone anything to do with their early care, and some kids don't bounce back from that without a lot of help. Traditional parenting isn't helpful for these kids and the developmental delays may take a few years to come out. I would urge you to look into attachment parenting and therapeutic parenting. These kids deserve to have forever homes. Please don't think I'm trying to put you off. Quite the opposite.
(Did I still owe you some coffee by the way geeks?)
(Did I still owe you some coffee by the way geeks?)
Edited by oldbanger on Friday 15th April 00:13
As per post directly above this one. Little orphan Annie stopped being in the system in the 1960s most of the children have been taken into care, virtually always as a result of dire physical and emotional trauma in their little lives.
Thoroughly research "attachment disorder" before you go into adopting, and don't feel coerced into taking on any particular child, the local authority system works like an arranged marriage, you are in the hands of strangers basically matching you, who then walk away to leave you to deal with the later fall out.
I am an adopter of two, who came to live with us three years apart, both who were only two years old at the time, I had never heard of the disorder, both of mine have it, along with many other allied issues, which only came out when they started school. It has been a very tough and rocky road, and still is. Ours is a very common story once you start asking about.
Go into the process with your eyes wide open, and don't allow your heart to rule your head.
I don't want to put you off, the children need homes having been pushed from pillar to post, but make sure you know what your are embarking on.
Happy to answer any questions by PM.
Thoroughly research "attachment disorder" before you go into adopting, and don't feel coerced into taking on any particular child, the local authority system works like an arranged marriage, you are in the hands of strangers basically matching you, who then walk away to leave you to deal with the later fall out.
I am an adopter of two, who came to live with us three years apart, both who were only two years old at the time, I had never heard of the disorder, both of mine have it, along with many other allied issues, which only came out when they started school. It has been a very tough and rocky road, and still is. Ours is a very common story once you start asking about.
Go into the process with your eyes wide open, and don't allow your heart to rule your head.
I don't want to put you off, the children need homes having been pushed from pillar to post, but make sure you know what your are embarking on.
Happy to answer any questions by PM.
Edited by PAUL500 on Sunday 17th April 18:39
Not me directly, but my brother and sister are adopted, Sis is from Korea, Bro is from Ethiopia, and im a regular dutch guy.
It doesnt matter to me that they were adopted, and look very different, they are my brother and sister, and havent ever known differently, i know this goes the same for my parents, although with my brother it is somewhat difficult, he was relatively old when he came here (2.5 years), and has had a lot of trouble bonding with especially our dad.
I have no practical experience about the process though, this all took place 30 years ago, and in a different country
It doesnt matter to me that they were adopted, and look very different, they are my brother and sister, and havent ever known differently, i know this goes the same for my parents, although with my brother it is somewhat difficult, he was relatively old when he came here (2.5 years), and has had a lot of trouble bonding with especially our dad.
I have no practical experience about the process though, this all took place 30 years ago, and in a different country
geeks if you do return to this thread, this book is a pretty good introduction to modern day adoption
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Unofficial-Guide-Adoptive-...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Unofficial-Guide-Adoptive-...
We've adopted and the learning curve is very steep, for the child(ren) and you. Whilst we've had some very very difficult days, it is the most rewarding thing we've ever done and when you see your child start to feel safe and loved, it's pretty much as good as it gets.
Some excellent points above re: attachment. Given many childrens backgrounds, having an undertanding of FAS and FASD will be very useful, as well as the impact of trauma on behaviours / responses to stimuli. There is almost limitless reading you could do!
LA's can be shocking and it's a numbers game - they are under resourced and many SW's have massive caseloads. After we were approved, we had children being pushed on us, completely not in their interests - but to get them off the LA's books as viewed as "difficult to adopt" - we took a "could we" and "should we" approach to any profiles we read.
Children in care are overwhelmingly from an abuse and / or neglect situation, with a good amount of children with special needs in the mix too. Many of them will be delayed emotionally and educationally, but if you're aware and understand the drivers - it's not an issue and once they feel safe and understand you're THE people who will put them first, forever, they will blossom.
SW's in our experience need micro-managing, e.g. we minuted every meeting - sent notes with actions, owners and dates to all parties to keep people moving. We've been lucky in carving out some excellent support but it's taken an age to achieve and a fair amount of stress.
You're not tied to your LA post-approval, whilst they will most likely keep quiet on the topic, sites like Adoption Link are becoming very powerful for matching children to adopters, also Barnardos and other charities offer alternative routes. Adoption UK have great support for adopters and schools alike, and there are lots of local organisations that do similar things to help support and educate.
PM me - happy to chat in some more detail - just realised that's turned into a mini-essay.
Some good resources here: http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/ - The First Steps modules are a good place to begin.
TL:DR - don't let a crappy LA keep you from being a parent to a child who needs what you both have to offer, but do it with eyes open to the challenges of their background.
Some excellent points above re: attachment. Given many childrens backgrounds, having an undertanding of FAS and FASD will be very useful, as well as the impact of trauma on behaviours / responses to stimuli. There is almost limitless reading you could do!
LA's can be shocking and it's a numbers game - they are under resourced and many SW's have massive caseloads. After we were approved, we had children being pushed on us, completely not in their interests - but to get them off the LA's books as viewed as "difficult to adopt" - we took a "could we" and "should we" approach to any profiles we read.
Children in care are overwhelmingly from an abuse and / or neglect situation, with a good amount of children with special needs in the mix too. Many of them will be delayed emotionally and educationally, but if you're aware and understand the drivers - it's not an issue and once they feel safe and understand you're THE people who will put them first, forever, they will blossom.
SW's in our experience need micro-managing, e.g. we minuted every meeting - sent notes with actions, owners and dates to all parties to keep people moving. We've been lucky in carving out some excellent support but it's taken an age to achieve and a fair amount of stress.
You're not tied to your LA post-approval, whilst they will most likely keep quiet on the topic, sites like Adoption Link are becoming very powerful for matching children to adopters, also Barnardos and other charities offer alternative routes. Adoption UK have great support for adopters and schools alike, and there are lots of local organisations that do similar things to help support and educate.
PM me - happy to chat in some more detail - just realised that's turned into a mini-essay.
Some good resources here: http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/ - The First Steps modules are a good place to begin.
TL:DR - don't let a crappy LA keep you from being a parent to a child who needs what you both have to offer, but do it with eyes open to the challenges of their background.
Edited by krisdelta on Tuesday 26th April 21:11
I know that PH is the last place that poetry should be quoted, and this is the only poem that I half know but I think it is appropriate.
A poem from a mother to her adopted child.
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But still totally my own
Never forget
For one single minute
That you didnt grow under my heart
But in it.
A poem from a mother to her adopted child.
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But still totally my own
Never forget
For one single minute
That you didnt grow under my heart
But in it.
We too adopted. Two little boys, brothers, simultaneously. The eldest was 20 months and little brother was 6 months. They had both been with a wonderful foster family from 8-12 weeks old with the birth parents having proven that they were not fit to parent either child during attendance in an assessment centre. They walked out on both boys after a short period. As others have said stay away from LA at all costs. THEY DO NOT CARE about your needs or the childs needs (enough), they just want to tick a box. We used an independent agency who carried out the matching process and dealt with the LA. Utterly wonderful group of people who really cared deeply about both us and the children.
Be warned that it is a very emotional process and you will be lucky not to have any false starts, we had one where we were matched to 2 girls who appeared to be a good match to us. However, it transpired that the medical reports put together by the LA were incomplete and that there were problems with the girls which we weren't prepared to deal with.
My boys have been with us for nearly four years and have filled our life with joy, fun and a great sense of purpose. They are bright, well balanced and developing well. That's not to say that there is no rocky road ahead but we can't predict that and will deal with it as and when.
Just to give you a perspective on how LA's behave. The placement order (legals) for our eldest was in place because the process was naturally further on than for the little one. During the final meeting with the LA 'team' this was raised by the 'team leader'. (A proper vinegary cow with a supremely condescending attitude). Her exact words, verbatim, "X is ready to come home now and Y will be available in 6 weeks time once the legals are finalised". Bear in mind that there were at least a dozen people around the table! My wife could almost smell my pi55 boiling as I banged the table........."So, your plan is to separate these fragile little boys from each other when all they have in the world is each other for the sake of 6 weeks foster care costs. How fecking much is it? I'll pay it now and we will wait for both of them!". As it was the legals were completed, strangely, a lot quicker (two weeks) and we spent a wonderful week staying near to the foster parents for our introductions. I will never forget the long drive home with my eldest son in his car seat next to me holding my hand all the way home. My wife took a photograph and it hangs in our lounge as a reminder.
You never know what life will bring at any time but what i do know is that without my boys in my life I do not know what I would do. My little men will be big men one day and we will have (hopefully) given them all the tools/skills to live happy and successful lives.
To finish, nothing can replace love. Nothing on this earth.
Be warned that it is a very emotional process and you will be lucky not to have any false starts, we had one where we were matched to 2 girls who appeared to be a good match to us. However, it transpired that the medical reports put together by the LA were incomplete and that there were problems with the girls which we weren't prepared to deal with.
My boys have been with us for nearly four years and have filled our life with joy, fun and a great sense of purpose. They are bright, well balanced and developing well. That's not to say that there is no rocky road ahead but we can't predict that and will deal with it as and when.
Just to give you a perspective on how LA's behave. The placement order (legals) for our eldest was in place because the process was naturally further on than for the little one. During the final meeting with the LA 'team' this was raised by the 'team leader'. (A proper vinegary cow with a supremely condescending attitude). Her exact words, verbatim, "X is ready to come home now and Y will be available in 6 weeks time once the legals are finalised". Bear in mind that there were at least a dozen people around the table! My wife could almost smell my pi55 boiling as I banged the table........."So, your plan is to separate these fragile little boys from each other when all they have in the world is each other for the sake of 6 weeks foster care costs. How fecking much is it? I'll pay it now and we will wait for both of them!". As it was the legals were completed, strangely, a lot quicker (two weeks) and we spent a wonderful week staying near to the foster parents for our introductions. I will never forget the long drive home with my eldest son in his car seat next to me holding my hand all the way home. My wife took a photograph and it hangs in our lounge as a reminder.
You never know what life will bring at any time but what i do know is that without my boys in my life I do not know what I would do. My little men will be big men one day and we will have (hopefully) given them all the tools/skills to live happy and successful lives.
To finish, nothing can replace love. Nothing on this earth.
Trophy Husband said:
We too adopted. Two little boys, brothers, simultaneously. The eldest was 20 months and little brother was 6 months. They had both been with a wonderful foster family from 8-12 weeks old with the birth parents having proven that they were not fit to parent either child during attendance in an assessment centre. They walked out on both boys after a short period. As others have said stay away from LA at all costs. THEY DO NOT CARE about your needs or the childs needs (enough), they just want to tick a box. We used an independent agency who carried out the matching process and dealt with the LA. Utterly wonderful group of people who really cared deeply about both us and the children.
Be warned that it is a very emotional process and you will be lucky not to have any false starts, we had one where we were matched to 2 girls who appeared to be a good match to us. However, it transpired that the medical reports put together by the LA were incomplete and that there were problems with the girls which we weren't prepared to deal with.
My boys have been with us for nearly four years and have filled our life with joy, fun and a great sense of purpose. They are bright, well balanced and developing well. That's not to say that there is no rocky road ahead but we can't predict that and will deal with it as and when.
Just to give you a perspective on how LA's behave. The placement order (legals) for our eldest was in place because the process was naturally further on than for the little one. During the final meeting with the LA 'team' this was raised by the 'team leader'. (A proper vinegary cow with a supremely condescending attitude). Her exact words, verbatim, "X is ready to come home now and Y will be available in 6 weeks time once the legals are finalised". Bear in mind that there were at least a dozen people around the table! My wife could almost smell my pi55 boiling as I banged the table........."So, your plan is to separate these fragile little boys from each other when all they have in the world is each other for the sake of 6 weeks foster care costs. How fecking much is it? I'll pay it now and we will wait for both of them!". As it was the legals were completed, strangely, a lot quicker (two weeks) and we spent a wonderful week staying near to the foster parents for our introductions. I will never forget the long drive home with my eldest son in his car seat next to me holding my hand all the way home. My wife took a photograph and it hangs in our lounge as a reminder.
You never know what life will bring at any time but what i do know is that without my boys in my life I do not know what I would do. My little men will be big men one day and we will have (hopefully) given them all the tools/skills to live happy and successful lives.
To finish, nothing can replace love. Nothing on this earth.
Wow, what a post! As an adoptee (mentioned above) I applaud you Be warned that it is a very emotional process and you will be lucky not to have any false starts, we had one where we were matched to 2 girls who appeared to be a good match to us. However, it transpired that the medical reports put together by the LA were incomplete and that there were problems with the girls which we weren't prepared to deal with.
My boys have been with us for nearly four years and have filled our life with joy, fun and a great sense of purpose. They are bright, well balanced and developing well. That's not to say that there is no rocky road ahead but we can't predict that and will deal with it as and when.
Just to give you a perspective on how LA's behave. The placement order (legals) for our eldest was in place because the process was naturally further on than for the little one. During the final meeting with the LA 'team' this was raised by the 'team leader'. (A proper vinegary cow with a supremely condescending attitude). Her exact words, verbatim, "X is ready to come home now and Y will be available in 6 weeks time once the legals are finalised". Bear in mind that there were at least a dozen people around the table! My wife could almost smell my pi55 boiling as I banged the table........."So, your plan is to separate these fragile little boys from each other when all they have in the world is each other for the sake of 6 weeks foster care costs. How fecking much is it? I'll pay it now and we will wait for both of them!". As it was the legals were completed, strangely, a lot quicker (two weeks) and we spent a wonderful week staying near to the foster parents for our introductions. I will never forget the long drive home with my eldest son in his car seat next to me holding my hand all the way home. My wife took a photograph and it hangs in our lounge as a reminder.
You never know what life will bring at any time but what i do know is that without my boys in my life I do not know what I would do. My little men will be big men one day and we will have (hopefully) given them all the tools/skills to live happy and successful lives.
To finish, nothing can replace love. Nothing on this earth.
Trophy Husband said:
We too adopted. Two little boys, brothers, simultaneously. The eldest was 20 months and little brother was 6 months. They had both been with a wonderful foster family from 8-12 weeks old with the birth parents having proven that they were not fit to parent either child during attendance in an assessment centre. They walked out on both boys after a short period. As others have said stay away from LA at all costs. THEY DO NOT CARE about your needs or the childs needs (enough), they just want to tick a box. We used an independent agency who carried out the matching process and dealt with the LA. Utterly wonderful group of people who really cared deeply about both us and the children.
Be warned that it is a very emotional process and you will be lucky not to have any false starts, we had one where we were matched to 2 girls who appeared to be a good match to us. However, it transpired that the medical reports put together by the LA were incomplete and that there were problems with the girls which we weren't prepared to deal with.
My boys have been with us for nearly four years and have filled our life with joy, fun and a great sense of purpose. They are bright, well balanced and developing well. That's not to say that there is no rocky road ahead but we can't predict that and will deal with it as and when.
Just to give you a perspective on how LA's behave. The placement order (legals) for our eldest was in place because the process was naturally further on than for the little one. During the final meeting with the LA 'team' this was raised by the 'team leader'. (A proper vinegary cow with a supremely condescending attitude). Her exact words, verbatim, "X is ready to come home now and Y will be available in 6 weeks time once the legals are finalised". Bear in mind that there were at least a dozen people around the table! My wife could almost smell my pi55 boiling as I banged the table........."So, your plan is to separate these fragile little boys from each other when all they have in the world is each other for the sake of 6 weeks foster care costs. How fecking much is it? I'll pay it now and we will wait for both of them!". As it was the legals were completed, strangely, a lot quicker (two weeks) and we spent a wonderful week staying near to the foster parents for our introductions. I will never forget the long drive home with my eldest son in his car seat next to me holding my hand all the way home. My wife took a photograph and it hangs in our lounge as a reminder.
You never know what life will bring at any time but what i do know is that without my boys in my life I do not know what I would do. My little men will be big men one day and we will have (hopefully) given them all the tools/skills to live happy and successful lives.
To finish, nothing can replace love. Nothing on this earth.
Bit dusty in here buddy. Bon chapeau. Be warned that it is a very emotional process and you will be lucky not to have any false starts, we had one where we were matched to 2 girls who appeared to be a good match to us. However, it transpired that the medical reports put together by the LA were incomplete and that there were problems with the girls which we weren't prepared to deal with.
My boys have been with us for nearly four years and have filled our life with joy, fun and a great sense of purpose. They are bright, well balanced and developing well. That's not to say that there is no rocky road ahead but we can't predict that and will deal with it as and when.
Just to give you a perspective on how LA's behave. The placement order (legals) for our eldest was in place because the process was naturally further on than for the little one. During the final meeting with the LA 'team' this was raised by the 'team leader'. (A proper vinegary cow with a supremely condescending attitude). Her exact words, verbatim, "X is ready to come home now and Y will be available in 6 weeks time once the legals are finalised". Bear in mind that there were at least a dozen people around the table! My wife could almost smell my pi55 boiling as I banged the table........."So, your plan is to separate these fragile little boys from each other when all they have in the world is each other for the sake of 6 weeks foster care costs. How fecking much is it? I'll pay it now and we will wait for both of them!". As it was the legals were completed, strangely, a lot quicker (two weeks) and we spent a wonderful week staying near to the foster parents for our introductions. I will never forget the long drive home with my eldest son in his car seat next to me holding my hand all the way home. My wife took a photograph and it hangs in our lounge as a reminder.
You never know what life will bring at any time but what i do know is that without my boys in my life I do not know what I would do. My little men will be big men one day and we will have (hopefully) given them all the tools/skills to live happy and successful lives.
To finish, nothing can replace love. Nothing on this earth.
Thread is a great read, helps me appreciate my parents thought all those 28 years ago when they decided my birth mother wasn't the best future for me.
My parents now would of been family, namely my auntie and uncle. I will advise one thing, never lie about the adoption. The only people who care about a child being adopted are the most petty of small minds, I've heard the story of nursery gate two dimensional small minded women having stupid opinions on my mother due to me being adopted. Because it was never covered up and i knew full well from a young age, the love and appreciation i have for my parents is beyond description, any adopted child who has been raised as someones normal flesh and blood will say this no matter what.
Just to add, the absolute sickness i feel when you see the whole "I needed to find my REAL parents" headlines, articles and what have you, it's just too much rage how ungrateful can a person be, the only real thing a birth parent did was f
k up hard enough that real people had to step in.
My parents now would of been family, namely my auntie and uncle. I will advise one thing, never lie about the adoption. The only people who care about a child being adopted are the most petty of small minds, I've heard the story of nursery gate two dimensional small minded women having stupid opinions on my mother due to me being adopted. Because it was never covered up and i knew full well from a young age, the love and appreciation i have for my parents is beyond description, any adopted child who has been raised as someones normal flesh and blood will say this no matter what.
Just to add, the absolute sickness i feel when you see the whole "I needed to find my REAL parents" headlines, articles and what have you, it's just too much rage how ungrateful can a person be, the only real thing a birth parent did was f
k up hard enough that real people had to step in.My twin and I are adopted, in what I believe was an early incidence of the BOGOF marketing technique.
It was from birth, essentially, and we always knew so it was really rather banal when we discovered what the word adopted meant. I can genuinely recall an 'ah, and?' moment.
My normal was that my parents were my parents. I've been asked countless times what being adopted is like, but am not equipped to answer as I have nothing to compare it to- I had parents who I loved and was indescribably fortunate that they loved me in return.
It was from birth, essentially, and we always knew so it was really rather banal when we discovered what the word adopted meant. I can genuinely recall an 'ah, and?' moment.
My normal was that my parents were my parents. I've been asked countless times what being adopted is like, but am not equipped to answer as I have nothing to compare it to- I had parents who I loved and was indescribably fortunate that they loved me in return.
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