Oddly upset by a death.
Discussion
I'm mid 40s and have lost my parents and most relatives of their generation. I am far from being immune to grief, but generally speaking I get over stuff and it doesn't seem to impact me too much. Life goes on, death is part of like and so-on.
Why then am I so upset that a school teacher I had when I was 9/10, someone I've not seen in decades has died?
I found out by chance. I used to live a long way from where I do now and was "tyre kicking" on Rightmove at houses in the place I once lived. I saw my teacher's house for sale. It is a small town and her house was in a prominent location, hence the fact I recognised it. The photos showed it empty. Fair enough, she could have moved years ago but a quick Google revealed a local paper obituary. She died in June.
More Googling showed that she was very active in later life. On committees, attending local meetings and the like. She clearly had a happy, long and active life.
I'd assume I'd just think "how sad, she was a nice lady" but for some reason it's really upset me.
She was a great teacher and a very kind person. On rare visits back to my old home I'd occasionally spot her in the street and have a chat. She remembered me and knew what I was up to via a local aged relative.
I'm not in tears over it, just really really sad. I just can't fathom out why it should impact on me so much.
Why then am I so upset that a school teacher I had when I was 9/10, someone I've not seen in decades has died?
I found out by chance. I used to live a long way from where I do now and was "tyre kicking" on Rightmove at houses in the place I once lived. I saw my teacher's house for sale. It is a small town and her house was in a prominent location, hence the fact I recognised it. The photos showed it empty. Fair enough, she could have moved years ago but a quick Google revealed a local paper obituary. She died in June.
More Googling showed that she was very active in later life. On committees, attending local meetings and the like. She clearly had a happy, long and active life.
I'd assume I'd just think "how sad, she was a nice lady" but for some reason it's really upset me.
She was a great teacher and a very kind person. On rare visits back to my old home I'd occasionally spot her in the street and have a chat. She remembered me and knew what I was up to via a local aged relative.
I'm not in tears over it, just really really sad. I just can't fathom out why it should impact on me so much.
I think of this as the 'everyone dies phenomena'
Everyone does. School teachers, that kid who picked on you one time, that bloke who used to shout at you for sitting on the wall outside his house, that bloke who had the Granada he washed every other day on the road outside his house.
Sometimes you lose someone close to you, you know that's gonna happen eventually and you will grieve and get over it.
So when you hear that one of those random people from your life that you may have only seen once/twice/for a year/whatever has died, it feels odd.
My thoughts anyway.
Everyone does. School teachers, that kid who picked on you one time, that bloke who used to shout at you for sitting on the wall outside his house, that bloke who had the Granada he washed every other day on the road outside his house.
Sometimes you lose someone close to you, you know that's gonna happen eventually and you will grieve and get over it.
So when you hear that one of those random people from your life that you may have only seen once/twice/for a year/whatever has died, it feels odd.
My thoughts anyway.
I've been thinking about this. I guess everything you have all said has a bit of truth.
I think it has just stirred memories of long ago. It was a strange time. My family moved there from a place I loved and though I didn't understand it at the time it was a period in my life that taught me a lot. One of this stages where you grow up a little. She understood how out of depth I was in this new town/school and looking back she almost instinctively put me in a position where I learnt life skills - making new friends, being self reliant - that I still carry today.
I guess to it is what she represented. A time (1979/80-1982) that with decades of perspective was a pretty good time.
Thanks for letting me think this through.
I think it has just stirred memories of long ago. It was a strange time. My family moved there from a place I loved and though I didn't understand it at the time it was a period in my life that taught me a lot. One of this stages where you grow up a little. She understood how out of depth I was in this new town/school and looking back she almost instinctively put me in a position where I learnt life skills - making new friends, being self reliant - that I still carry today.
I guess to it is what she represented. A time (1979/80-1982) that with decades of perspective was a pretty good time.
Thanks for letting me think this through.
I think this sort of thing happens to most people & can be something little that triggers it. I was visiting a mate recently who I've known all my life & on the way home I decided to drive past some of the places we used to go.
Lots of stuff had changed which you'd expect after 30 odd years and I was fine with that, but for some reason I got quite sad by the realisation that Mrs Pritchard who always gave us extra sweets in our "10p mix" was now very probably dead. Or married Mr Khan.
Lots of stuff had changed which you'd expect after 30 odd years and I was fine with that, but for some reason I got quite sad by the realisation that Mrs Pritchard who always gave us extra sweets in our "10p mix" was now very probably dead. Or married Mr Khan.
I can see what you mean OP, I lost my dad in 2005, lost two granddads in the last few years as well so I'm not a strangers to losing people you care about.
The deaths that have impacted me most (that weren't close to me) have been people that were the same age as me. There was a lad I was at college with and we weren't mates as such, sat next to each other for a term, he was a bit of an odd lad. Then one day our form tutor comes in and announces that he was killed in a helicopter accident. He was only 18 years old and even though I'm 34 now that still stays with me.
There were also a couple of other lads that I went to primary school, it was a small strange little school so classes were only around 14-15 pupils. It just meant that people form different years all knew each other well. One chap committed suicide at 26 and another lad was found dead on a beach abroad. Both people I hadn't seen in years but part of my childhood.
The deaths that have impacted me most (that weren't close to me) have been people that were the same age as me. There was a lad I was at college with and we weren't mates as such, sat next to each other for a term, he was a bit of an odd lad. Then one day our form tutor comes in and announces that he was killed in a helicopter accident. He was only 18 years old and even though I'm 34 now that still stays with me.
There were also a couple of other lads that I went to primary school, it was a small strange little school so classes were only around 14-15 pupils. It just meant that people form different years all knew each other well. One chap committed suicide at 26 and another lad was found dead on a beach abroad. Both people I hadn't seen in years but part of my childhood.
Alex_225 said:
The deaths that have impacted me most (that weren't close to me) have been people that were the same age as me.
It's odd how some peoples passing hits you far harder than others. Had a friend a couple of years older than me in college, did my first clubbing with him (some terrible dive in Eastleigh). We were only vaguely close for about 6 months, hadn't seen him in 18 years when I heard he'd died a couple of years ago. Sounded like he was doing well in life, had a headache he put down to a hangover after a wedding and was dead 4 days later from a brain tumor.
Really felt it at the time and think about him a fair bit.
Not sure there's much odd, it sounds like she wasn't just a teacher, and continued to be a little involved in your life - clearly didn't stop caring, sure sign of a great teacher - I think it'd be odder if you were totally unmoved by her death. Especially as it sounds like you were close enough that you'd have considered going to her funeral if you'd known at the time.
When my father died I was pretty busy with mum. They lived 1500 kilometres away in a lakeside village, not suitable for an 80 year old lady by herself. I organised a granny flat at my place, went down & sold her home, got her & her car packed to come to us, & arranged the funeral.
Yes I missed dad, but by the time mum was settled it was all over. Then,15 years later, when she died it was dad I started grieving for most. It felt a little odd, & I was slightly ashamed of myself, but there it was.
Grief is a very strange thing.
Yes I missed dad, but by the time mum was settled it was all over. Then,15 years later, when she died it was dad I started grieving for most. It felt a little odd, & I was slightly ashamed of myself, but there it was.
Grief is a very strange thing.
It's funny how someone who provides a thread or link to your past or some kind of "golden era" in your life can affect you more than you would ever imagine when they pass, despite not being related to them or indeed having anything to do with them. When my Gran died many years ago, i accepted it stoically and whilst saddened, was not overly affected. She was ninety eight and was in poor health and it was just her time. Same when first my Dad, then four years later my Mum died. Both had a good innings and I was pretty matter of fact about the whole thing, death being an inevitability for all of us. When Lemmy died, however, I was a blubbering heap! How bizarre is that? I kept thinking back to all those gigs i went to as a spotty teenage headbanger and how much of a hero he was to me and my mates. How we all wished we could be like him but never would be. Like a continuous thread from the present to an innocent and carefree past had been snapped and was now gone forever. Really strange and to be honest slightly ridiculous that I was so affected, but I was and there was not a damn thing I could do about it.
This has also happened to me. I have lost lots of family members over the years. However the deaths that seem to bother me the most are those of classmates or people that I haven't seen for 30 years. Especially sudden deaths. At age 17 I lost a friend in a car crash. That still affects me now. At Christmas a classmate died from a drugs overdose. It was very tragic. I went to his funeral but hadn't seen him since we left school 30 years ago.
I’m sure I'll get laughed at for this a little, but luckily I've never lost anyone REALLY close (Yet), but I have lost grandparents, old school teachers and old friends, so people I would expect to effect me a little, but within reason they haven’t, I was actually surprised how little i was effected.
However for some completely unknown reason, considering I’ve never even met him, or seen him outside of films, Paul Walkers death upset me a bit, im not talking tears and dark rooms, but a bit of a kick in the gut and thoughtful for a while.
I guess he was part of my growing up a lot more than other people were (I was into car modifying at the same time as the early F&F films and must have watched them far far to many times), and just seemed like a nice bloke.
Strange
However for some completely unknown reason, considering I’ve never even met him, or seen him outside of films, Paul Walkers death upset me a bit, im not talking tears and dark rooms, but a bit of a kick in the gut and thoughtful for a while.
I guess he was part of my growing up a lot more than other people were (I was into car modifying at the same time as the early F&F films and must have watched them far far to many times), and just seemed like a nice bloke.
Strange
sidekickdmr said:
I’m sure I'll get laughed at for this a little, but luckily I've never lost anyone REALLY close (Yet), but I have lost grandparents, old school teachers and old friends, so people I would expect to effect me a little, but within reason they haven’t, I was actually surprised how little i was effected.
However for some completely unknown reason, considering I’ve never even met him, or seen him outside of films, Paul Walkers death upset me a bit, im not talking tears and dark rooms, but a bit of a kick in the gut and thoughtful for a while.
I guess he was part of my growing up a lot more than other people were (I was into car modifying at the same time as the early F&F films and must have watched them far far to many times), and just seemed like a nice bloke.
Strange
I am completely with you on the Paul Walker death. That did affect me. Yet I had never met himHowever for some completely unknown reason, considering I’ve never even met him, or seen him outside of films, Paul Walkers death upset me a bit, im not talking tears and dark rooms, but a bit of a kick in the gut and thoughtful for a while.
I guess he was part of my growing up a lot more than other people were (I was into car modifying at the same time as the early F&F films and must have watched them far far to many times), and just seemed like a nice bloke.
Strange
wildcat45 said:
I'm mid 40s and have lost my parents and most relatives of their generation.
Why then am I so upset that a school teacher I had when I was 9/10, someone I've not seen in decades has died?
I think partly that when you're in primary school and the relationships with your teachers and classmates, the idea of their deaths never really crosses your mind. At a young age, the same could be said about your parents and siblings. However, those school relationships come to an end without that concept ever needing to be considered whereas your relationships with your family introduce you to death, probably first with grandparents and then the realisation that it will happen to your parents, probably decades before it happens. In a way you've had time to get used to the idea, even though the event will still be tragic. With a teacher, the thought probably never crossed your mind while your relationship existed so there was no time to get used to the idea.Why then am I so upset that a school teacher I had when I was 9/10, someone I've not seen in decades has died?
I had this upset/remorse with a friend of a friend who committed suicide around the time I left university. To this day I still think about it - didn't know him, or his family that well, but he used to come to the pub or the odd house party that I was invited to. He just seemed an all-round nice person that I only had good memories about.
Edited by fido on Thursday 15th September 12:22
When you are a kid everybody is old, 25 up and you get used to old people dying, that is what old people do, then into your thirties, yeah, that bloke was 25 years older than me, you are kind of insulated from it as, apart from accidents, suicides and out of the blue illnesses you and your peers arent dying off regularly. Also, the people older than you still have a good few years in them.
So, you get to 45 like me and the first ones start popping off that are close in age, grandparents are largely gone, parents are in a lot of cases and older freinds and aquiantances no longer have a few years left in them, they were perhaps your age when you were a kid, you remember that and realise you dont have a pass you like you think in your teens and twenties, you are getting older and the MOT sheet has a few advisories on it these days.
Same with celebrities, even those you think will last for ever, like Ronnie Corbett, even Zsa Zsa gabor will pop off eventually.
I think we have a sort of romantic notion that every person we ever knew will be carrying on, a bit older, you wonder how they are getting on from time to time and then you find out they are dead, a mate of mine told me that a girl who I fancied from my first job, maybe three of four years older than me had died from alcohol, that felt freaky, its liek you leave that relationship as it was when you last saw them, but then its gone, a mate of mine who was a driver at the same place, proper character and would ahve loved to have bumped into him and have a chat, found out he had died which I found weirdly upsetting, he was always nice to me, used to go out in the van doing collections, told me loads of stories, sang lewd songs, introduced me to the Donner kebab, got me ridiculously drunk once.
So, you get to 45 like me and the first ones start popping off that are close in age, grandparents are largely gone, parents are in a lot of cases and older freinds and aquiantances no longer have a few years left in them, they were perhaps your age when you were a kid, you remember that and realise you dont have a pass you like you think in your teens and twenties, you are getting older and the MOT sheet has a few advisories on it these days.
Same with celebrities, even those you think will last for ever, like Ronnie Corbett, even Zsa Zsa gabor will pop off eventually.
I think we have a sort of romantic notion that every person we ever knew will be carrying on, a bit older, you wonder how they are getting on from time to time and then you find out they are dead, a mate of mine told me that a girl who I fancied from my first job, maybe three of four years older than me had died from alcohol, that felt freaky, its liek you leave that relationship as it was when you last saw them, but then its gone, a mate of mine who was a driver at the same place, proper character and would ahve loved to have bumped into him and have a chat, found out he had died which I found weirdly upsetting, he was always nice to me, used to go out in the van doing collections, told me loads of stories, sang lewd songs, introduced me to the Donner kebab, got me ridiculously drunk once.
I had something similar a good few years ago, a teacher that had taught me in Comprehensive had passed away.
At the time it had only been about 10 years since I'd left comp so not as long as you OP but I attended the funeral with my sister and father, the reason for this is he'd been at the school so long he'd taught my Dad and Aunt (my dad is 30 years older than me) so it did feel like a loss.
He was well known in the area as he ref'd for Rugby games for decades too.
Funny thing is in school he was really strict and a bit of an old school teacher if you get me, looking back now you realise it was this sort of teacher that sometimes teaches about life as well as Maths, geography etc
I drive pass where he's buried each day so never really forget him.
At the time it had only been about 10 years since I'd left comp so not as long as you OP but I attended the funeral with my sister and father, the reason for this is he'd been at the school so long he'd taught my Dad and Aunt (my dad is 30 years older than me) so it did feel like a loss.
He was well known in the area as he ref'd for Rugby games for decades too.
Funny thing is in school he was really strict and a bit of an old school teacher if you get me, looking back now you realise it was this sort of teacher that sometimes teaches about life as well as Maths, geography etc
I drive pass where he's buried each day so never really forget him.
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