An Illicit encounter
Discussion
As per the title really, relationship with partner feels like a failure, still friends but no physical relationship since our daughter now 11, was conceived so an enforced celibate:-( , with all that this entails...
Am now 57 and the fear of this continuing for the rest of my life has gotten me down to the point where I have been searching for something better. Have been chatting to someone on the IE site, seems I might have found my soulmate, beautiful, with brain, able to chat in way I haven't done for years.
Persuing this will cause much pain, and will crucify me in some ways, daughter in particular, she has disibility and needs my support. That's the potted version....
What to do guys?
Am now 57 and the fear of this continuing for the rest of my life has gotten me down to the point where I have been searching for something better. Have been chatting to someone on the IE site, seems I might have found my soulmate, beautiful, with brain, able to chat in way I haven't done for years.
Persuing this will cause much pain, and will crucify me in some ways, daughter in particular, she has disibility and needs my support. That's the potted version....
What to do guys?
ClaphamGT3 said:
Talk to partner. Put selfish and fanciful ideas of "starting again" in the bin where they belong.
Simple.
I fully agree with 'talk to partner' before anything else, but having exhausted all that, I don't think it's too unreasonable for him to contemplate starting again with someone, once of course he has formally ended things sensibly with his wife.Simple.
I've watched guys turn into utter, utter wrecks over the whole enforced celibacy thing. They watch their lives slipping away while they stare down the barrel of never having sex again. It's like a prison sentence.
They turn into people who get more and more angry about it all, and furious that they've become one of 'those guys' that aren't 'allowed' to have sex anymore.
I worked with a guy recently whose wife pretty much didn't touch him for years. They were both fit, healthy, attractive, had a son who was 8 years old, she just decided that she didn't really ever want to do it again. It was absolutely torturous for him. You could almost see the distress in him on a daily basis. He tried everything but it basically boiled down to the fact that she didn't like sex, and had gone off it more and more as she got older.
Eventually aged 47, he split from his wife, and has now been with a lady the same age as he is for a couple of years, and I've honestly never seen him happier. He says his life has just been changed and that she wants sex all the time like he does. Says it was never like that with his wife, even in the early years.
I would never suggest or condone cheating, and the OP should try everything to get the bottom of the issue with his wife, but if she makes it clear it's just never gonna happen again, then you honestly can't expect him not to consider leaving?
Sex is a big part of life.
I will add, that if she is suffering medical or health reasons as to why she can't, then that's a bit of a different issue. I'm talking about the won't rather than can't.
ClaphamGT3 said:
Talk to partner. Put selfish and fanciful ideas of "starting again" in the bin where they belong.
Simple.
No not simple. If you've been in a relationship /marriage without sex for 11 years I suspect it's fSimple.
king simple at all.Normally talk sense CGT3 not this time. Can you imagine this guys life? And cost of tissues? ;-)
This isn't a dig because it's natural to feel this way when you become emotionally involved with someone new, but the woman you've met online isn't your soulmate. When the novelty wears off you'll have less in common than you think.
You already know there will be a fallout so think long and hard before you do anything because your whole world will be tipped upside down.
You already know there will be a fallout so think long and hard before you do anything because your whole world will be tipped upside down.
Forget the woman on line she is a crux here and its going to go no where - she has served her purpose to awaken you and make you realise.
1. can you go on without sex for the rest of your life.
2. can you talk to your wife ?
3. if there is no progress with getting this sorted and you obtaining what you want from the relationship then yes end it.
Sex is an important part and if its being denied it will only serve to fester. Not fair on you your wife or your child. Be sure its done properly and that you provide for your obligations to your wife and child. that's what you will need to do. Bear in mind you may or you may not find another partner. and could you be on your own happy with being single ?
lots of questions first and you need to work it out and maybe even take therapy. if her heart is not in it and she puts up it will still be empty. so be careful what you ask for.
1. can you go on without sex for the rest of your life.
2. can you talk to your wife ?
3. if there is no progress with getting this sorted and you obtaining what you want from the relationship then yes end it.
Sex is an important part and if its being denied it will only serve to fester. Not fair on you your wife or your child. Be sure its done properly and that you provide for your obligations to your wife and child. that's what you will need to do. Bear in mind you may or you may not find another partner. and could you be on your own happy with being single ?
lots of questions first and you need to work it out and maybe even take therapy. if her heart is not in it and she puts up it will still be empty. so be careful what you ask for.
Smallblock1 said:
Am now 57 and the fear of this continuing for the rest of my life has gotten me down to the point where I have been searching for something better. Have been chatting to someone on the IE site, seems I might have found my soulmate, beautiful, with brain, able to chat in way I haven't done for years.
fk that (metaphorically, not literally). You don't know fk all about this other person so you are just projecting your fantasy of what you would like them to be. In reality, they will not be anything like that. You haven't found out any of the negatives yet, and there will be plenty. Dumping your wife and mother of your 11yo is really the last fking resort - avoid it if there is any other option. Think of the practicailities too. Take everything you and your wife have and divide it by about 3. You get one third. Does living in a bedsit in your 50s sound attractive to you? I didn't think so. How about the fking logistics of seeing your daughter, who will then be living somewhere else. For the more immediate problem of lack of sex: I suggest hookers. I'm serious. Set yourself a monthly budget for shagging. Find some really dirty ones who will do stuff your wife wouldn't do even before you had kids. Try out a lot of hookers and get a regular one you like, in addition to ongoing bjorks with new ones.
But really, really I would avoid leaving your wife just for some fantasy-land which isn't real. At the moment you are more thinking about the upsides. There will be a lot of downsides.
Edited by creampuff on Monday 12th September 01:18
You don't get to start again, even if you get divorced and move out - you're a dad, you have a child to not just 'support' but raise, care for, be a father to. She's your family and your priority and that won't, or at least shouldn't, change.
If you know for sure your marriage is beyond saving then that's that, but it's probably worth being sure that you really have passed that point - talk to your wife, go to couples counselling, actually try to sort things out. Stuff's changed for the worse: try, with appropriate professional help, to change it for the better again.
If you know for sure your marriage is beyond saving then that's that, but it's probably worth being sure that you really have passed that point - talk to your wife, go to couples counselling, actually try to sort things out. Stuff's changed for the worse: try, with appropriate professional help, to change it for the better again.
A sexless relationship is massively harmful to any mans sanity, we are programmed to shag and it's hard for us to be told your not getting any. Your partner is the key to why it has stopped, you say your child has a disability and needs your support? Think about what could be going through your partners mind regarding sex and children. It could be she had post natal depression and all the crazy female chemicals didn't click back into place? Have you tried mediation? If your having to care for your child 24/7 with no rest she isn't going to want to sleep with you. I'm in pretty much the same position apart from no kids, my partner and I drifted apart due to working hours and after 10 years we have had sex 2 times. We both talk about it, I've got to the core problem of my partner not being happy with her body image, unfortunately she has zero drive to train or diet, so self destructive spiral. I train every day, which doesn't help her or me! Try and get to the bottom of it, is it sex, is it depression, is it she doesn't love/fancy you anymore?
As others have said, discuss/end your relationship with your partner, then start a new one which makes you happy.
When you strip it back, it really is that simple. Put aside any kind of notion that you're doing anyone a favour or doing the noble thing by remaining in an unhappy relationship, as you're not.
End it with your partner if it's all but over. Presumably she feels the same way?
Just because you have a daughter doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with the mother of that daughter, if neither of you want that relationship. You can have a relationship which makes you happy and still support your daughter, they're not mutually exclusive.
When you strip it back, it really is that simple. Put aside any kind of notion that you're doing anyone a favour or doing the noble thing by remaining in an unhappy relationship, as you're not.
End it with your partner if it's all but over. Presumably she feels the same way?
Just because you have a daughter doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with the mother of that daughter, if neither of you want that relationship. You can have a relationship which makes you happy and still support your daughter, they're not mutually exclusive.
Edited by BRISTOL86 on Monday 12th September 08:02
TwigtheWonderkid said:
I'm amazed that we've had this many responses and no one has told the OP that his wife isn't having sex with him because she's got at least one other man, maybe more, on the go. And then some rubbish about moneys and branches.
What is PH coming to?
Because that isn't what's happening. All that's going on is the very common occurrence of a woman losing her libido after the birth of their child. In very simplistic terms it's not much more than chemical imbalance within the body, however it can often lead to very real mental health issues too.What is PH coming to?
She's accepted how she feels and doesn't see it as being a problem despite it going against a basic human function. Because she doesn't view it as a problem she won't see the need for a visit to the doctor to discuss the matter and husband repeatedly bringing up the subject will only ever cause arguments. However, she's not denying her husband with any deliberate malicious intent, her body is just telling her mind that she doesn't want sex.
PH answer is to ignore her issues (both medical and mental) and to advise sleeping with a hooker. Genius.
Thanks very much for the mostly well considered opinions. Driving to work this morning having just kissed my daughter goodbye, Gregg66 I am on board with the implications of this, this aspect above all others really, really kills me inside. I'm not a selfish person, if I was would have left a long time ago. Think about it, I live and work for my family and we are lucky to have accumulated much materially, but nothing intimate in your life ever again, little in the way of love/closeness, this is what I feel like I'm facing
Partner and I do need to talk, no doubt about that. Counselling probably the best option, typically I avoid this whole subject in fear that 'it will not end well' I will end up in a bedsit with nothing to live for.
In my mind (which is probably trashed through years of this c**p) the new person could sit along side existing life to 'fill in the blanks'. The reality I know this will end in tears and lots of them.
Partner and I do need to talk, no doubt about that. Counselling probably the best option, typically I avoid this whole subject in fear that 'it will not end well' I will end up in a bedsit with nothing to live for.
In my mind (which is probably trashed through years of this c**p) the new person could sit along side existing life to 'fill in the blanks'. The reality I know this will end in tears and lots of them.
Impasse said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
I'm amazed that we've had this many responses and no one has told the OP that his wife isn't having sex with him because she's got at least one other man, maybe more, on the go. And then some rubbish about moneys and branches.
What is PH coming to?
Because that isn't what's happening. What is PH coming to?
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