Falling out with family members
Discussion
Sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle but have you ever fallen out with a family member?
How has it affected future meetings when the inevitable get togethers happen?
My brother in law had a go at my wife 3 weeks ago, called her some pretty horrific names, threatened to do some things which I won't write on here
Since then we haven't spoken to him at all and I can't see it changing in the future unless he says sorry. His fiancée and my wife speak and she has said he won't.
Weirdly, we live in the same house, their parents house.
We are saving for a house however they had a baby not so long ago and aren't planning on moving out for a couple of years. They are 29 and 27.
So an awkward situation which we can't get out of unless we rent, which we won't do as it'll set us back.
So Jeremy Kyle story aside, has anything similar happened to you before?
How has it affected future meetings when the inevitable get togethers happen?
My brother in law had a go at my wife 3 weeks ago, called her some pretty horrific names, threatened to do some things which I won't write on here
Since then we haven't spoken to him at all and I can't see it changing in the future unless he says sorry. His fiancée and my wife speak and she has said he won't.
Weirdly, we live in the same house, their parents house.
We are saving for a house however they had a baby not so long ago and aren't planning on moving out for a couple of years. They are 29 and 27.
So an awkward situation which we can't get out of unless we rent, which we won't do as it'll set us back.
So Jeremy Kyle story aside, has anything similar happened to you before?
Similar, but not the same (especially the living in close quarters thing!)
We fell out with my mothers side of the family, mainly because they are incredibly selfish, thought nothing of turning up at my fathers parents at 8am on a Sunday asking to 'borrow' (a lot) of cash, only really got involved in something if it was beneficial for them, stuff like that.
About 15yrs ago, one of them had cancer and needed chemo, my mum offered (and then did) to ferry them to and from the hospital (none of the other side of the family drove), the rest of that side of the family took offence to this and thought she was 'showing off'.
Not seen any of them for about 10yrs, until last year when some of them wanted to catch up, turns out they were wondering if they had been mentioned in my grandmothers will.
Wont be seeing them again. Horrible people.
We fell out with my mothers side of the family, mainly because they are incredibly selfish, thought nothing of turning up at my fathers parents at 8am on a Sunday asking to 'borrow' (a lot) of cash, only really got involved in something if it was beneficial for them, stuff like that.
About 15yrs ago, one of them had cancer and needed chemo, my mum offered (and then did) to ferry them to and from the hospital (none of the other side of the family drove), the rest of that side of the family took offence to this and thought she was 'showing off'.
Not seen any of them for about 10yrs, until last year when some of them wanted to catch up, turns out they were wondering if they had been mentioned in my grandmothers will.
Wont be seeing them again. Horrible people.
aR53GP said:
Sounds horrendous. Brother in Law sounds like a tool but I suppose there's always two sides to every story?
In short, he's a tool.Oakey said:
If you hadn't spent £12k on a Fiesta three months ago maybe you could have moved out sooner?
I could have and should have moved out 12-24 months ago but s
t happens in life. Made plans, health conditions pushed them back. Thought the bro in law was moving out then he decided to wait till after he gets married to move out which makes the situation even worse.
I would have not spent a lot of money on the holidays that I went on if I had foreseen the above. Sadly I didn't and was stupid.
I've not spoken to my dad for six years, other than at my half sisters wedding and that was a handful of words.
Mum and him split when I was one (27 now), I used to go round every Saturday.
He was violent towards my step mum. Used to tell me she hated me and used to tell her I hated her.
Used to lie about all sorts. Six years ago he left my step mum, married some Jamaican women and got her pregnant.
He fked off to London and used to phone once or twice a week.
Used to have a quick chat, then he accused my mum of deleting messages off my phone from him.
One my mum wouldn't do that, as she isn't that type of person. And two she wouldn't have a clue how to! (She once asked where the any key was!). Told him never to contact me again and hung up.
Other than the wedding, which went along the lines of 'hi...hi...how are you? Good, you? Yeah not bad...so what car are you driving now?'.
There's a lot more back story behind it. But best thing I ever did. If he died tomorrow I honestly wouldn't care.
Four years ago I changed my name by deedpoll to my step dad's surname (him and mum have been together for 20 odd years).
Mum and him split when I was one (27 now), I used to go round every Saturday.
He was violent towards my step mum. Used to tell me she hated me and used to tell her I hated her.
Used to lie about all sorts. Six years ago he left my step mum, married some Jamaican women and got her pregnant.
He f
ked off to London and used to phone once or twice a week. Used to have a quick chat, then he accused my mum of deleting messages off my phone from him.
One my mum wouldn't do that, as she isn't that type of person. And two she wouldn't have a clue how to! (She once asked where the any key was!). Told him never to contact me again and hung up.
Other than the wedding, which went along the lines of 'hi...hi...how are you? Good, you? Yeah not bad...so what car are you driving now?'.
There's a lot more back story behind it. But best thing I ever did. If he died tomorrow I honestly wouldn't care.
Four years ago I changed my name by deedpoll to my step dad's surname (him and mum have been together for 20 odd years).
Dads wife.
At the age of 60 Dad re married a lovely woman, they had been together for about ten years in total, married 4.5 years, she was an old flame from his school days.
Myself, the wife and our daughters welcomed her into the family, no questions asked, we were all extremely close to my dad as he only lived 2 roads away so we saw them regularly; 4 times a week generally, she would pop round, she would go out with the wife and me on dog walks, she was particularly fond of the youngest and would take her out, buy her school stuff etc and was the perfect woman, the youngest would pop in after school etc.
There were the odd moments as she was a complex character; came from an alleged abusive marriage, she was a tad self centred and any issues were always caused by someone else. My sister; married and lived a 45 minute drive away, didn't take to her at all and it was obvious and it was reciprocated, she (dads wife) also had a bit of an issue with my eldest; she lived with her boyfriend.
Dad died 2 years ago this coming Christmas eve; this is when things started going downhill.
We took her under our wing and kept an eye on her, she spent many times with us and we all grieved together.
6m after the funeral there was no progress with his affairs and things were being discussed behind mine and my sisters back, dad's will wasn't valid and she was convinced there was another will that mirrored hers and she turned the house upside down to find it, I knew there wasn't one as the year prior, dad mentioned to me a few times that he must get his will sorted and revised. This was never discussed with either me or my sister, I found out third hand.
The executors on the will that we had, weren't aware they were executors and dads wife hadn't contacted them.
I became ill with the stress of lack of information and things came to a head and a massive argument ensued and she kicked me out and asked me to return the key, she subsequently put the house up for sale; she was on the deeds so it went to her, but didn't tell either myself or my sister, I found out by digging about, I also found out that an offer had been accepted, the day the offer had been accepted, my sister was round there getting a few bits, dads wife didn't tell my sister and at this point we still hadn't been told that the house was actually for sale.
This was December, by this point I had only spoken to her once since the bust up in July; my sister and I were summoned round in September so that she could let us know what was happening, however it was my aunt who suggested she did this, she then accused me of saying something to someone and demanded an apology, she couldn't substantiate what I had said and to whom so I left. I hadn't said what she was alleging, I think she was on some kind of power trip.
Went round again end of December last year to get a last few bits; dads family ring being one, I had been asking her for it for almost a year and whenever I brought it up there was always an excuse for me not to have it.
My sister had kept in contact with her; only for our gain, and was always suggesting that she would come round to help clear the house, there was decades of dads stuff that was nothing to do with this woman, however she always come back with "oh I am fine thanks", my dad had decades of tools and equipment, some of it my grand fathers, we have never seen any of it and there are other things that were important to us that we know where in the house and we have never seen it.
So dads ashes are finally being interned in the Cathedral this Monday, she has had them for almost 2 years, she sent out a very cold e-mail invite to a few family member; myself included, to invite us to the internment, we aren't going as I do not want to see her, I have been ill again since the e-mail, she will also most likely make it all about her, I will go up on Tuesday by myself. My dads wish was always to have his ashes interned there and it is finally happening.
Fortunately this woman has moved back to Devon, we are Surrey, so we are unlikely to be bumping into her.
Sorry for the ramble.
At the age of 60 Dad re married a lovely woman, they had been together for about ten years in total, married 4.5 years, she was an old flame from his school days.
Myself, the wife and our daughters welcomed her into the family, no questions asked, we were all extremely close to my dad as he only lived 2 roads away so we saw them regularly; 4 times a week generally, she would pop round, she would go out with the wife and me on dog walks, she was particularly fond of the youngest and would take her out, buy her school stuff etc and was the perfect woman, the youngest would pop in after school etc.
There were the odd moments as she was a complex character; came from an alleged abusive marriage, she was a tad self centred and any issues were always caused by someone else. My sister; married and lived a 45 minute drive away, didn't take to her at all and it was obvious and it was reciprocated, she (dads wife) also had a bit of an issue with my eldest; she lived with her boyfriend.
Dad died 2 years ago this coming Christmas eve; this is when things started going downhill.
We took her under our wing and kept an eye on her, she spent many times with us and we all grieved together.
6m after the funeral there was no progress with his affairs and things were being discussed behind mine and my sisters back, dad's will wasn't valid and she was convinced there was another will that mirrored hers and she turned the house upside down to find it, I knew there wasn't one as the year prior, dad mentioned to me a few times that he must get his will sorted and revised. This was never discussed with either me or my sister, I found out third hand.
The executors on the will that we had, weren't aware they were executors and dads wife hadn't contacted them.
I became ill with the stress of lack of information and things came to a head and a massive argument ensued and she kicked me out and asked me to return the key, she subsequently put the house up for sale; she was on the deeds so it went to her, but didn't tell either myself or my sister, I found out by digging about, I also found out that an offer had been accepted, the day the offer had been accepted, my sister was round there getting a few bits, dads wife didn't tell my sister and at this point we still hadn't been told that the house was actually for sale.
This was December, by this point I had only spoken to her once since the bust up in July; my sister and I were summoned round in September so that she could let us know what was happening, however it was my aunt who suggested she did this, she then accused me of saying something to someone and demanded an apology, she couldn't substantiate what I had said and to whom so I left. I hadn't said what she was alleging, I think she was on some kind of power trip.
Went round again end of December last year to get a last few bits; dads family ring being one, I had been asking her for it for almost a year and whenever I brought it up there was always an excuse for me not to have it.
My sister had kept in contact with her; only for our gain, and was always suggesting that she would come round to help clear the house, there was decades of dads stuff that was nothing to do with this woman, however she always come back with "oh I am fine thanks", my dad had decades of tools and equipment, some of it my grand fathers, we have never seen any of it and there are other things that were important to us that we know where in the house and we have never seen it.
So dads ashes are finally being interned in the Cathedral this Monday, she has had them for almost 2 years, she sent out a very cold e-mail invite to a few family member; myself included, to invite us to the internment, we aren't going as I do not want to see her, I have been ill again since the e-mail, she will also most likely make it all about her, I will go up on Tuesday by myself. My dads wish was always to have his ashes interned there and it is finally happening.
Fortunately this woman has moved back to Devon, we are Surrey, so we are unlikely to be bumping into her.
Sorry for the ramble.
Edited by HTP99 on Sunday 20th November 13:00
Uncle.
On my Dad's side - always was a bit of a black sheep compared to Dad, never stuck at a job, never left home town and kids never in a decent environment.
Didn't invite us to cousins wedding (cousin under his "spell") and only showed up when my Dad was terminal with cancer, he stayed in contact until after the funeral and a few months past but then fecked off to Tenerife with wife no.2, leaving his own kids high and dry (one without a house as he sold up from under them with little warning).
After my Grandma (his mum) passed on a few things became apparent regarding bonds being cashed in without authority etc basically abusing his power of attorney so since then contact has been non-existent.
Such a shame as now Mum's passed it gets me thinking that perhaps it's a good idea to keep the family close,but I fear the damage is irreparable.
On my Dad's side - always was a bit of a black sheep compared to Dad, never stuck at a job, never left home town and kids never in a decent environment.
Didn't invite us to cousins wedding (cousin under his "spell") and only showed up when my Dad was terminal with cancer, he stayed in contact until after the funeral and a few months past but then fecked off to Tenerife with wife no.2, leaving his own kids high and dry (one without a house as he sold up from under them with little warning).
After my Grandma (his mum) passed on a few things became apparent regarding bonds being cashed in without authority etc basically abusing his power of attorney so since then contact has been non-existent.
Such a shame as now Mum's passed it gets me thinking that perhaps it's a good idea to keep the family close,but I fear the damage is irreparable.
Whilst I can understand that families fall out I'd like to add something that might make people think twice.
At the end of September, I got married, I'd asked my sister to be my best man as we'd always been close (our dad died when I was 10, this made us closer), during the process of planning the wedding and the stress leading up to it, we did have a few fallings out, I said some things I regretted, the day after the wedding she was quite upset and we had a chat about why, and basically I'd snapped at her a few times, but we put things right and cleared all of our issues. A couple of weeks later, when we were back from honeymoon I wrote to her, thanking her for everything she'd done, apologising again for my actions and telling her I loved her.
Last week there was a car accident, and she was killed.
I can sit here now, thankful that when she died we were the best of friends again, there was no resentment or ill feelings.
If I hadn't sorted everything out I would be even more distraught than I am, life is simply too short to hold a grudge and fall out with the people that should be most dear to you.
I beg of you, please even if they're too stubborn to do so, make the first move, clear the air, you're a family and so should love and support each other through life, for you can never know when it may end.
At the end of September, I got married, I'd asked my sister to be my best man as we'd always been close (our dad died when I was 10, this made us closer), during the process of planning the wedding and the stress leading up to it, we did have a few fallings out, I said some things I regretted, the day after the wedding she was quite upset and we had a chat about why, and basically I'd snapped at her a few times, but we put things right and cleared all of our issues. A couple of weeks later, when we were back from honeymoon I wrote to her, thanking her for everything she'd done, apologising again for my actions and telling her I loved her.
Last week there was a car accident, and she was killed.
I can sit here now, thankful that when she died we were the best of friends again, there was no resentment or ill feelings.
If I hadn't sorted everything out I would be even more distraught than I am, life is simply too short to hold a grudge and fall out with the people that should be most dear to you.
I beg of you, please even if they're too stubborn to do so, make the first move, clear the air, you're a family and so should love and support each other through life, for you can never know when it may end.
Yup.
One of my uncles.
He was always rude and unpleasant and about twenty years ago he went too far stating:
that I'd stolen a rock from my grandma's rockery
that I'd hidden the wedge for her garden gate
that I'd stolen a pencil case from my granddad ten years previously
that he'd make sure I wasn't having the money that Gran had left me if I did not travel 250 miles the next weekend to replace the missing rock and gate wedge
that he would be keeping an eye on me in future on account of the pencil case.
You couldn't make that up, but it was typical of him. I'd gone along with this sort of thing for years and didn't want to cause problems in the extended family but I told him
I have a different idea for next weekend. You apologise.
I've never spoken to him since. But I do know that my other uncle later described as a complete bast3rd and his daughter emigrated to Australia citing him as a major factor. My mum (his sister) said she really couldn't blame me.
So in the end I stayed friends with everyone I cared about.
In later life he became a hoarder and accumulated piles of junk that filled every spare space in his house. His main reason for hoarding was that if something might be valuable to someone else then he was going to keep it. This extended to old clothes that a mechanic commented "would make rags for cleaning up oil". That did it. Old shirts now had to be kept.
One of my uncles.
He was always rude and unpleasant and about twenty years ago he went too far stating:
that I'd stolen a rock from my grandma's rockery
that I'd hidden the wedge for her garden gate
that I'd stolen a pencil case from my granddad ten years previously
that he'd make sure I wasn't having the money that Gran had left me if I did not travel 250 miles the next weekend to replace the missing rock and gate wedge
that he would be keeping an eye on me in future on account of the pencil case.
You couldn't make that up, but it was typical of him. I'd gone along with this sort of thing for years and didn't want to cause problems in the extended family but I told him
I have a different idea for next weekend. You apologise.
I've never spoken to him since. But I do know that my other uncle later described as a complete bast3rd and his daughter emigrated to Australia citing him as a major factor. My mum (his sister) said she really couldn't blame me.
So in the end I stayed friends with everyone I cared about.
In later life he became a hoarder and accumulated piles of junk that filled every spare space in his house. His main reason for hoarding was that if something might be valuable to someone else then he was going to keep it. This extended to old clothes that a mechanic commented "would make rags for cleaning up oil". That did it. Old shirts now had to be kept.
EddyP said:
very sad stuff
I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what it'd be like losing either my brother or sister.I'd echo the comments about life being too short, since losing my dad a few years ago I've gained a better appreciation of how important family is.
Having said that my family members are decent, honest, trustworthy people, and unfortunately not everyone is that lucky.
I'm sure many of us know people who don't talk to their siblings, parents, etc. It's relatively common these days I think. Just that it's not something we tend to share. .
A friend of my mums son fell in with a bunch of serious criminals. The dad disowned him. And AFAIK went to his grave never seeing him again.
There;s a friend who fell out spectacularly with his Dad over the way he was with the mum. And excluded him from his life forever
And that was literally as far as it went. A was disappointed, but decided it wasn't worth it. They have crossed paths at family events (funerals etc) But they never speak or even acknowledge each other.
You talk about trying to make amends, but there's no guarantee that even if you try, it will be reciprocated. At some point these estranged people have to realise that it's not worth the effort.
Put it this way, if someone not related to you wronged you in some way, and you didn't have to see them anymore, would you bother to make peace? 99/100 people just don't.
A friend of my mums son fell in with a bunch of serious criminals. The dad disowned him. And AFAIK went to his grave never seeing him again.
There;s a friend who fell out spectacularly with his Dad over the way he was with the mum. And excluded him from his life forever
EddyP said:
I beg of you, please even if they're too stubborn to do so, make the first move, clear the air, you're a family and so should love and support each other through life, for you can never know when it may end.
I know of a guy (A) and his brother (T) who fell out. A says it was T's fault and has reasons for it. After a few years T got his GF pregnant. After the boy was born, A bought T a congratulations card. T took it and said "Thanks". The Parents were really pleased A had made the effort. And that was literally as far as it went. A was disappointed, but decided it wasn't worth it. They have crossed paths at family events (funerals etc) But they never speak or even acknowledge each other.
You talk about trying to make amends, but there's no guarantee that even if you try, it will be reciprocated. At some point these estranged people have to realise that it's not worth the effort.
Put it this way, if someone not related to you wronged you in some way, and you didn't have to see them anymore, would you bother to make peace? 99/100 people just don't.
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