In-laws - a rant
Discussion
Sat at my desk and phone goes Bbbbbzzzzzzz. Flip over and it's a whatsapp from my MIL on the in-laws family group chat.
"Sad news, your uncle has died. Will update on arrangements."
WT actual F! My wife was very close to her Uncle, more so than her actual parents it would seem. Wy the hell they couldn't pick up the phone and talk to her.
Luckily immediately rang the Mrs and had a chat and she hadn't seen the message so was at least able to break the news a little more gently and have a chat around it all.
I mean what next? "Hey, nice sunny day here. BTW diagnosed with cancer, got 3 weeks to live. Catch up soon!"
"Sad news, your uncle has died. Will update on arrangements."
WT actual F! My wife was very close to her Uncle, more so than her actual parents it would seem. Wy the hell they couldn't pick up the phone and talk to her.
Luckily immediately rang the Mrs and had a chat and she hadn't seen the message so was at least able to break the news a little more gently and have a chat around it all.
I mean what next? "Hey, nice sunny day here. BTW diagnosed with cancer, got 3 weeks to live. Catch up soon!"
Think I might be able to beat that.
Lost my brother in law on Christmas eve. 44. Been ill for two years with Leukaemia so we all knew he'd be checking out but went down hill rapidly the week before he did. He lived overseas so his wife was sending updates via a group text chat to my OH, her sister and my FIL.
OH got a text to say he'd gone and assumed this was a continuance of the group text but in error, it only went to my OH, who then spoke to here sister. I then sent a Facebook message to his two close buddies that finished with something along the lines of "this is just for your info, I'll let you know more as soon as I do".
Within a minute, there's an RIP note on Facebook picked up by all of his other mates who then start posting RIP messages on my BIL's Facebook page ....... and that's how my FIL found out that his 44 year old son had died!
All entirely unintentional but highly regrettable nonetheless.
Lost my brother in law on Christmas eve. 44. Been ill for two years with Leukaemia so we all knew he'd be checking out but went down hill rapidly the week before he did. He lived overseas so his wife was sending updates via a group text chat to my OH, her sister and my FIL.
OH got a text to say he'd gone and assumed this was a continuance of the group text but in error, it only went to my OH, who then spoke to here sister. I then sent a Facebook message to his two close buddies that finished with something along the lines of "this is just for your info, I'll let you know more as soon as I do".
Within a minute, there's an RIP note on Facebook picked up by all of his other mates who then start posting RIP messages on my BIL's Facebook page ....... and that's how my FIL found out that his 44 year old son had died!
All entirely unintentional but highly regrettable nonetheless.
Somewhat inappropriate OP, I agree.
My father-in-law died (sadly not unexpectedly) of skin cancer a year ago. Similar story here, I am married to the youngest daughter of a family of five siblings, all of whom are very nice people, but all somewhat opinionated when the will takes them. They had a Whatsapp group chat including my mother-in-law, and I have to say it was a great method of them all keeping in touch before he passed away. My wife was on maternity at the time, so was doing lots of hospital visiting, ferrying my non-driving M-i-L to see him in hospital every day and was able to feed back information on the ups and downs of her Dad's progress during the latter stages of his illness.
When the end came, a "get to hospital, now" message was all that was required to make sure his entire family was with him as he passed peacefully away. Thumbs up to Whatsapp in that regard.
Afterwards though, jeez, what a clusterf
k! Trying to sort Funeral arrangements and what happens now in regard to ongoing care for my M-i-L turned into one massively insensitive barrage of online messages, with none of the sensitivity that personal face-to-face communications provides. Huge online arguments ensued, because nobody felt they were being 'heard' properly, or weren't ableto make the point they thought they were making, or didn't get a timely response to an important question. After one particularly upsetting evening of pointless round robin messages I cracked, called them all and got them all over to our house, to iron out their differences in person and sort it all out in a dignified, respectful way.
I love the online world, but sometimes we need to throw our devices in the bin and go back to old school methods of talking to each other.
My father-in-law died (sadly not unexpectedly) of skin cancer a year ago. Similar story here, I am married to the youngest daughter of a family of five siblings, all of whom are very nice people, but all somewhat opinionated when the will takes them. They had a Whatsapp group chat including my mother-in-law, and I have to say it was a great method of them all keeping in touch before he passed away. My wife was on maternity at the time, so was doing lots of hospital visiting, ferrying my non-driving M-i-L to see him in hospital every day and was able to feed back information on the ups and downs of her Dad's progress during the latter stages of his illness.
When the end came, a "get to hospital, now" message was all that was required to make sure his entire family was with him as he passed peacefully away. Thumbs up to Whatsapp in that regard.
Afterwards though, jeez, what a clusterf
k! Trying to sort Funeral arrangements and what happens now in regard to ongoing care for my M-i-L turned into one massively insensitive barrage of online messages, with none of the sensitivity that personal face-to-face communications provides. Huge online arguments ensued, because nobody felt they were being 'heard' properly, or weren't ableto make the point they thought they were making, or didn't get a timely response to an important question. After one particularly upsetting evening of pointless round robin messages I cracked, called them all and got them all over to our house, to iron out their differences in person and sort it all out in a dignified, respectful way. I love the online world, but sometimes we need to throw our devices in the bin and go back to old school methods of talking to each other.
PurpleTurtle said:
Somewhat inappropriate OP, I agree.
My father-in-law died (sadly not unexpectedly) of skin cancer a year ago. Similar story here, I am married to the youngest daughter of a family of five siblings, all of whom are very nice people, but all somewhat opinionated when the will takes them. They had a Whatsapp group chat including my mother-in-law, and I have to say it was a great method of them all keeping in touch before he passed away. My wife was on maternity at the time, so was doing lots of hospital visiting, ferrying my non-driving M-i-L to see him in hospital every day and was able to feed back information on the ups and downs of her Dad's progress during the latter stages of his illness.
When the end came, a "get to hospital, now" message was all that was required to make sure his entire family was with him as he passed peacefully away. Thumbs up to Whatsapp in that regard.
Afterwards though, jeez, what a clusterfk! Trying to sort Funeral arrangements and what happens now in regard to ongoing care for my M-i-L turned into one massively insensitive barrage of online messages, with none of the sensitivity that personal face-to-face communications provides. Huge online arguments ensued, because nobody felt they were being 'heard' properly, or weren't ableto make the point they thought they were making, or didn't get a timely response to an important question. After one particularly upsetting evening of pointless round robin messages I cracked, called them all and got them all over to our house, to iron out their differences in person and sort it all out in a dignified, respectful way.
I love the online world, but sometimes we need to throw our devices in the bin and go back to old school methods of talking to each other.
It is and it isn't. One of my uni mates who I kept in regular touch with died very unexpectedly. Her children would not have known how to contact me. I picked it up through Facebook. Tragically one of her (adult) children died a few months later.My father-in-law died (sadly not unexpectedly) of skin cancer a year ago. Similar story here, I am married to the youngest daughter of a family of five siblings, all of whom are very nice people, but all somewhat opinionated when the will takes them. They had a Whatsapp group chat including my mother-in-law, and I have to say it was a great method of them all keeping in touch before he passed away. My wife was on maternity at the time, so was doing lots of hospital visiting, ferrying my non-driving M-i-L to see him in hospital every day and was able to feed back information on the ups and downs of her Dad's progress during the latter stages of his illness.
When the end came, a "get to hospital, now" message was all that was required to make sure his entire family was with him as he passed peacefully away. Thumbs up to Whatsapp in that regard.
Afterwards though, jeez, what a clusterf
k! Trying to sort Funeral arrangements and what happens now in regard to ongoing care for my M-i-L turned into one massively insensitive barrage of online messages, with none of the sensitivity that personal face-to-face communications provides. Huge online arguments ensued, because nobody felt they were being 'heard' properly, or weren't ableto make the point they thought they were making, or didn't get a timely response to an important question. After one particularly upsetting evening of pointless round robin messages I cracked, called them all and got them all over to our house, to iron out their differences in person and sort it all out in a dignified, respectful way. I love the online world, but sometimes we need to throw our devices in the bin and go back to old school methods of talking to each other.
My (slightly dotty) Aunt announced in the middle of a family dinner that she had been diagnosed with cancer. Just like that, no drama, no "I have something to tell you", just
"Could you pass the salt, please? Oh, I forgot to tell you all, I have terminal breast cancer. Anyone for more spuds?"
It ended up not being terminal and she's been clear for 7 years now, but we still laugh about it now...
"Could you pass the salt, please? Oh, I forgot to tell you all, I have terminal breast cancer. Anyone for more spuds?"
It ended up not being terminal and she's been clear for 7 years now, but we still laugh about it now...
HorneyMX5 said:
Sat at my desk and phone goes Bbbbbzzzzzzz. Flip over and it's a whatsapp from my MIL on the in-laws family group chat.
"Sad news, your uncle has died. Will update on arrangements."
WT actual F! My wife was very close to her Uncle, more so than her actual parents it would seem. Wy the hell they couldn't pick up the phone and talk to her.
Luckily immediately rang the Mrs and had a chat and she hadn't seen the message so was at least able to break the news a little more gently and have a chat around it all.
I mean what next? "Hey, nice sunny day here. BTW diagnosed with cancer, got 3 weeks to live. Catch up soon!"
When my gf's grandmother died her father just knocked on her bedroom door and shouted through it "your nan's died". Cue hysterics. "Sad news, your uncle has died. Will update on arrangements."
WT actual F! My wife was very close to her Uncle, more so than her actual parents it would seem. Wy the hell they couldn't pick up the phone and talk to her.
Luckily immediately rang the Mrs and had a chat and she hadn't seen the message so was at least able to break the news a little more gently and have a chat around it all.
I mean what next? "Hey, nice sunny day here. BTW diagnosed with cancer, got 3 weeks to live. Catch up soon!"
Pothole said:
Am I alone in thinking we should all probably be more prepared for this kind of news and take it a bit more in our strides, rather than get hysterical about the manner in which the news is broken? (especially about cats)
I dunno.I'm well aware that my gran, who is now 90, is at an age well above what many people make, but she's still going OK apart from her mind isn't what it used to be.
So it won't be a "surprise" as such, when she does pass, but I will be upset of course. I certainly don't expect to to be told over a text message, its more than a little cold for such a big bit of news.
- edit to add*
Not ideal, but being more rational in my head, I also understood that my MiL had of course just lost her mum, and was doing her best to cope with that and probably didn't know how else to say it.
That was all on my birthday as well... so inconsiderate!
Edited by Shakermaker on Friday 27th January 15:30
Away from the (very sad to hear) stories already posted, choosing the right method for communication these days is a lot more complicated than it used to be.
In the past it was in person, phone or letter, probably in that order for how delicate/emotional the situation was, and with the related time constraints of each.
It's not necessarily harder though I don't think. You simply think about how you would feel to receive the communication in the way you're thinking about using, then factor in differences from the receiver. Then you think about the time it takes and the chances of it being misunderstood.
People don't get this though. Lots of people don't constantly read and reply to texts or messenger apps. Most will answer the phone if they hear it though. The number of times my wife will "just text them" when we're sat outside their house waiting for them. No, get off your ass and go and bang on the door!
In the past it was in person, phone or letter, probably in that order for how delicate/emotional the situation was, and with the related time constraints of each.
It's not necessarily harder though I don't think. You simply think about how you would feel to receive the communication in the way you're thinking about using, then factor in differences from the receiver. Then you think about the time it takes and the chances of it being misunderstood.
People don't get this though. Lots of people don't constantly read and reply to texts or messenger apps. Most will answer the phone if they hear it though. The number of times my wife will "just text them" when we're sat outside their house waiting for them. No, get off your ass and go and bang on the door!
Our cat was getting on and had gone all skinny and ill.
My dad was at work and he took a real turn for the worst so my mum was panicking as nobody was about and she needed some help, calls my uncle who was around and he drove her to the vet, vet says its game over and puts barney to sleep aged about 17.
My uncle drives my mum and the deceased feline back, uncle retrieves the dead mog in his blanket just as my dad arrives back, completely unaware and asks my uncle "How is he", my uncle replies "Dead" short and to the point.
Found my dad polishing his Golf GTI in about 1990 with something beige, I notice he is using beige mens Y fronts to polish and realise they had been taken from the bin bags of my deceased grandads clothes, "are you polishing using grandads undies"
"Its what he would have wanted"
My dad was at work and he took a real turn for the worst so my mum was panicking as nobody was about and she needed some help, calls my uncle who was around and he drove her to the vet, vet says its game over and puts barney to sleep aged about 17.
My uncle drives my mum and the deceased feline back, uncle retrieves the dead mog in his blanket just as my dad arrives back, completely unaware and asks my uncle "How is he", my uncle replies "Dead"
short and to the point.Found my dad polishing his Golf GTI in about 1990 with something beige, I notice he is using beige mens Y fronts to polish and realise they had been taken from the bin bags of my deceased grandads clothes, "are you polishing using grandads undies"
"Its what he would have wanted"
I was on a conference call with some work colleagues a while back. One of them, who was based in a different site, abruptly dropped out the call. It later transpired she’d just received a text informing her that her Dad had died! I mean WTF – who would possibly think that texting this is appropriate. I mean - ‘Hi - Dad’s Dead! :-("
When we had our first child my wife announced its sex after the scan on FB before I had chance to ring my mother (as I was driving us home), she took great offence to this, and of course it was my fault.
FB has caused my mum grief on the past (her employees have used it to vent anger about work etc) so now she hates finding this out on there rather than in person or via a phonecall. My nan also insists I ring her about anything to do with the family, even routine hospital visits I have to ring her to let her know, otherwise she feels "out the loop".
FB has caused my mum grief on the past (her employees have used it to vent anger about work etc) so now she hates finding this out on there rather than in person or via a phonecall. My nan also insists I ring her about anything to do with the family, even routine hospital visits I have to ring her to let her know, otherwise she feels "out the loop".
yeager2004 said:
I was on a conference call with some work colleagues a while back. One of them, who was based in a different site, abruptly dropped out the call. It later transpired she’d just received a text informing her that her Dad had died! I mean WTF – who would possibly think that texting this is appropriate. I mean - ‘Hi - Dad’s Dead! :-("
All about context, surely? My mother's about to check out having been gradually fading over the last few years (various issues dementia, macular degeneration, increasing deafness, general old age related health issues). My sister will probably get the news first, I can't answer my phone at work so she'll most likely text me. I should think it'll be fairly brief and matter of fact. That'll be fine. YMMVskinnyman said:
When we had our first child my wife announced its sex after the scan on FB before I had chance to ring my mother (as I was driving us home), she took great offence to this, and of course it was my fault.
FB has caused my mum grief on the past (her employees have used it to vent anger about work etc) so now she hates finding this out on there rather than in person or via a phonecall. My nan also insists I ring her about anything to do with the family, even routine hospital visits I have to ring her to let her know, otherwise she feels "out the loop".
Drop Facebook and that's that particular issue solved.FB has caused my mum grief on the past (her employees have used it to vent anger about work etc) so now she hates finding this out on there rather than in person or via a phonecall. My nan also insists I ring her about anything to do with the family, even routine hospital visits I have to ring her to let her know, otherwise she feels "out the loop".
Social media is great in so many ways, but also plenty of ways to commit a new type of faux pas.
Families have been arguing about this type of s
t for years, and social media just gives them a new thing to argue over.louiebaby said:
Away from the (very sad to hear) stories already posted, choosing the right method for communication these days is a lot more complicated than it used to be.
In the past it was in person, phone or letter, probably in that order for how delicate/emotional the situation was, and with the related time constraints of each.
It's not necessarily harder though I don't think. You simply think about how you would feel to receive the communication in the way you're thinking about using, then factor in differences from the receiver. Then you think about the time it takes and the chances of it being misunderstood.
People don't get this though. Lots of people don't constantly read and reply to texts or messenger apps. Most will answer the phone if they hear it though. The number of times my wife will "just text them" when we're sat outside their house waiting for them. No, get off your ass and go and bang on the door!
I find the people who have come to social media without having gone through email/boards and learning netiquette tend to use the new media for everything. Even sad news. My sister sent me a text to tell me my mother had died! I learned my brother in law had passed on Facebook.In the past it was in person, phone or letter, probably in that order for how delicate/emotional the situation was, and with the related time constraints of each.
It's not necessarily harder though I don't think. You simply think about how you would feel to receive the communication in the way you're thinking about using, then factor in differences from the receiver. Then you think about the time it takes and the chances of it being misunderstood.
People don't get this though. Lots of people don't constantly read and reply to texts or messenger apps. Most will answer the phone if they hear it though. The number of times my wife will "just text them" when we're sat outside their house waiting for them. No, get off your ass and go and bang on the door!
I'm more old fashioned. Momentous news is best given in person, or by phone. Texts are reserved for day to day communications, IMO.
eltax91 said:
My InLaws don't even know what whatsapp is!
Probably best, I had a friend request on FB from a cousin and now all my aunties/uncles/cousins are adding me (I'm from a large family), I now have to think twice about posting stuff that my mates wouldn't bat an eyelid at.Edited by PAULJ5555 on Friday 27th January 16:08
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