Marriage Separation: What To Do Next?
Discussion
A mate at work is going through a particularly tough time at the moment; his wife has decided to end their marriage. It's come as a massive shock to him, but he has noticed small changes in her behaviour and daily routine, many of which are associated with cheating of some description e.g. locking mobile phone, constantly texting at all hours, anger at children using her phone etc. The list goes on.
She is now being needlessly aggressive toward him, which appears to be a tactic to force him out of the family home. I've suggested, as have a few of his family members, to continue living in the home for the foreseeable future. The property is owned 50/50 and two children are involved.
I've suggested he visits a solicitor sharpish, if only to gain an idea on what to do next. She has also mentioned solicitors in arguments with him, but this could be an empty threat. As he hasn't booked an appointment yet, I said I'd ask on here ...
Has anyone else been in a similar situation and if so, what does he need to do next? Sort out his finances? Contact a solicitor? Does he have to stay in the family home, or can he move out without issues? Any other suggestions or help is hugely appreciated!
He's not a member on here, but I will be directing him to the thread to read.
She is now being needlessly aggressive toward him, which appears to be a tactic to force him out of the family home. I've suggested, as have a few of his family members, to continue living in the home for the foreseeable future. The property is owned 50/50 and two children are involved.
I've suggested he visits a solicitor sharpish, if only to gain an idea on what to do next. She has also mentioned solicitors in arguments with him, but this could be an empty threat. As he hasn't booked an appointment yet, I said I'd ask on here ...
Has anyone else been in a similar situation and if so, what does he need to do next? Sort out his finances? Contact a solicitor? Does he have to stay in the family home, or can he move out without issues? Any other suggestions or help is hugely appreciated!
He's not a member on here, but I will be directing him to the thread to read.
Unfortunately he should prepare himself for the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" conversation, followed by a particularly difficult time during which he'll need to stay calm and rational for his children and lean on his friends and family.
It's very likely that she will have a new "friend" on the scene quickly but that will fizzle out and she will want your friend back. I happens so often, unfortunately.
It's very likely that she will have a new "friend" on the scene quickly but that will fizzle out and she will want your friend back. I happens so often, unfortunately.
Start keeping a few notes of what issues are of major importance to him and concentrate on those - but use the other, secondary, issues as bargaining tools with her.
If he has personal items of value, or something dear to him (as in hobby, not wife !), consider asking a friend or relative to look after it until matters are clearer.
Would stopping any credit cards be possible without matters escalating further ?
If he has personal items of value, or something dear to him (as in hobby, not wife !), consider asking a friend or relative to look after it until matters are clearer.
Would stopping any credit cards be possible without matters escalating further ?
Don't move out, its tough to stay firm but once your out that's it, the fancy man will be warming your bed within a week, and after that if you try and move back in she will slap you with an occupancy order.
Insist on 50/50 shared custody of the children straight away otherwise if it goes through the courts he will be lucky to see 30% of the assets regardless if everything was bought 50/50.
If she is in that kind of mood already he is in for a long tough fight. Been there seen the film, read the book, quite a few threads running here in relation to similar events.
Secure all finances right now, cancel anything joint, judges are only interested in what is in the pot at a final hearing which could be 18 months away, they have no interest if how any money has been spent prior.
Insist on 50/50 shared custody of the children straight away otherwise if it goes through the courts he will be lucky to see 30% of the assets regardless if everything was bought 50/50.
If she is in that kind of mood already he is in for a long tough fight. Been there seen the film, read the book, quite a few threads running here in relation to similar events.
Secure all finances right now, cancel anything joint, judges are only interested in what is in the pot at a final hearing which could be 18 months away, they have no interest if how any money has been spent prior.
Edited by PAUL500 on Tuesday 31st January 21:46
Escapegoat said:
If she wants him out, he's out within 24 hours of her deciding: DV/harrasment accusation followed by a quick non-molestation and prohibitive steps order.
A judge wont make him homeless under an ex parte application but if he has already left then you are spot on. Don't ask how I found that out!Robertj21a said:
There are many guys on here who could confirm that a female can become a very nasty piece of work if/when she doesn't get her way.
Many? 
Speaking from experience, I'd advise your friend to stay put, and see a solicitor specializing in marital affairs IMMEDIATELY for advice, whilst remain very calm at home. On a practical note, take out half of any savings she's aware of, hide anything of value at a friend's house, and take all financial documents away. Depending on their ages, make it obvious to the children that it's not what he wants - she will poison their minds against him. Good luck to him!
PAUL500 said:
A judge wont make him homeless under an ex parte application but if he has already left then you are spot on. Don't ask how I found that out!
And if, as he's released from the surprise overnight stay at her majesty's pleasure, he's told by the police not to approach his wife or he'll be rearrested...?Don't just move half of any cash assets, move the lot, put it into a new sole account and filter it back into a bills account monthly to stop any arrears building up.
If you leave half then by the time you get to a final hearing it will all be gone and the judge will then give her at least half of your remaining half, again don't ask how I found that out. All my assets retained their value right up to the final hearing but silicon however does not have much value second hand!
Family lawyers are the leeches of the industry, they pretend to be in it for all the good reasons where as in reality its easy money if kids are involved. They think they are clever but the reality is a monkey would get the better end of the deal for the mother when children are in the equation.
Do not expect fairness in the courts, the man is on the back foot straight away, I thought the fathers for justice guys were just the loony fringe, where as now I realise many were decent guys pushed to the ragged edge by the system.
If you leave half then by the time you get to a final hearing it will all be gone and the judge will then give her at least half of your remaining half, again don't ask how I found that out. All my assets retained their value right up to the final hearing but silicon however does not have much value second hand!
Family lawyers are the leeches of the industry, they pretend to be in it for all the good reasons where as in reality its easy money if kids are involved. They think they are clever but the reality is a monkey would get the better end of the deal for the mother when children are in the equation.
Do not expect fairness in the courts, the man is on the back foot straight away, I thought the fathers for justice guys were just the loony fringe, where as now I realise many were decent guys pushed to the ragged edge by the system.
Escapegoat said:
And if, as he's released from the surprise overnight stay at her majesty's pleasure, he's told by the police not to approach his wife or he'll be rearrested...?
I found the police do not take sides, if they are called then each party has to take it in turns to leave but can return the next day. They are well versed in the process.If either then refuses when its their turn then they get arrested for breach of the peace.
My ex called them one Sat morning, they arrived, asked me if I would look after my daughters, when I said yes they told her to leave or face arrest.
I texted her on the Sunday to say she could return whenever she liked, heard nothing.
Monday afternoon, knock on the door, court bailiff with an ex parte occupation and non molestation order handed out that morning by a judge even though he had not consulted the police and I had not been arrested or even cautioned about anything.5 mins to collect my things. Problem for me is I had moved out months before, then moved back in a few days before it all kicked off, as she had gone back on the financial agreement that had been drafted (but yet to be sanctioned by a judge)
PAUL500 said:
Escapegoat said:
If she wants him out, he's out within 24 hours of her deciding: DV/harrasment accusation followed by a quick non-molestation and prohibitive steps order.
A judge wont make him homeless under an ex parte application but if he has already left then you are spot on. Don't ask how I found that out!None of it happened but I was out of the house and had to remain out while they investigated. he is completely correct.
Ikemi said:
Tidybeard said:
Unfortunately he should prepare himself for the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" conversation ...
Unfortunately, he has already been on the receiving end of this conversation ... Having too been in this exact same situation it is almost as if women have a script to follow. Her Locking her phone and not letting it out of her sight is an obvious sign she is having an affair, obviously she will deny this even if you have proof.
If you want to find out who it is just go through her friends list on Facebook and find the guy where she likes every single thing he posts. Trust me, it will be the most obvious person you can think of. She is currently caught up in the whole excitement of the affair and currently sees your friend as a massive block in the way to her "happiness". She will blame your friend for the fact that she is unhappy and will try and convince him and everyone that she knows that it is his fault for taking her for granted and not giving her enough attention.
Your friend needs to act calm and not beg her to reconsider. She has been planning this for months and is currently all excited about the single life she is about to embark on. Her plan will be to keep the house and exact same lifestyle she currently has, just minus your friend. He is done, she lost respect for him years ago. Let me guess she stopped having sex with him and doesn't even like him to see her naked? This is because she feels like even letting your friend see her naked is cheating on her new man.
First of all I would move any money she has access to into an account that only he can access. Also if he can cancel any credit cards that she has access to then do this as well. I know a solicitor would probably advise against this but trust me it is easier to give it back to her at a later date than try and get your half from her when she has spent it.
Next thing is your friend needs to look after himself. He will currently be in fight or flight mode and probably unable to eat or sleep. If he needs to take a sleeping pill take one, nothing worse than lying awake at 3:00am with the whole thing running around your head. Make sure he eats, for the first month of so I lived mainly off chocolate and sweets but it was pretty much the only think I could actually swallow.
Don't date too early and definitely do not believe any woman who tells you she is on the pill or can't get pregnant.
Here is a great video that puts things in perspective, actually all of his videos are great :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-NEcvqum3w
It does get better but take it a day at a time. Took me about a year and a half before I woke up one day and realised everything was going to be OK. Three and a half years on and I am in the process of buying a house (in my sole name only obviously!) which I never imagined would happen.
Sure Stuttgartmetal will be along soon to add to what I have said!
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