Family member dying....and I'm not that fussed
Discussion
Was told yesterday one of my grandfathers has liver cancer and only has a few months to live. Now....years ago we used to get on OK, but he's only ever been on the periphery whilst I was growing up so I never got to know him THAT well. But the last few years I haven't wanted to be in touch.....about 2.5 years ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and soon after I went into hospital for surgery.....was in hospital for about 5 weeks or so and he never once came to visit me (despite me being very "touch and go" as to whether I'd pull through), and since coming out of hospital he hasn't once asked me how I am....he knows where I live, he has my phone number etc.
It may seem like I'm holding a petty grudge, but in light of the last few years I'm just not affected by it, and one of my mates said that I'm being a bit harsh.
Thoughts?
It may seem like I'm holding a petty grudge, but in light of the last few years I'm just not affected by it, and one of my mates said that I'm being a bit harsh.
Thoughts?
E65Ross said:
Was told yesterday one of my grandfathers has liver cancer and only has a few months to live. Now....years ago we used to get on OK, but he's only ever been on the periphery whilst I was growing up so I never got to know him THAT well. But the last few years I haven't wanted to be in touch.....about 2.5 years ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and soon after I went into hospital for surgery.....was in hospital for about 5 weeks or so and he never once came to visit me (despite me being very "touch and go" as to whether I'd pull through), and since coming out of hospital he hasn't once asked me how I am....he knows where I live, he has my phone number etc.
It may seem like I'm holding a petty grudge, but in light of the last few years I'm just not affected by it, and one of my mates said that I'm being a bit harsh.
Thoughts?
How you feel is understandable. I would probably feel the same way.It may seem like I'm holding a petty grudge, but in light of the last few years I'm just not affected by it, and one of my mates said that I'm being a bit harsh.
Thoughts?
If you can, I would still try and understand and then forgive him for his thoughtless actions towards you.
I wouldn't even think about it, just because they are family does not automatically mean you should care.
My partner does not even know the surname of her Nan nor of her Aunts / Uncles, they have not bothered for years (post parents divorce) and projected their hate onto her as they didn't see the Ex-Wife.
Family you see, you care about, family you don't see .... well nevermind.
My partner does not even know the surname of her Nan nor of her Aunts / Uncles, they have not bothered for years (post parents divorce) and projected their hate onto her as they didn't see the Ex-Wife.
Family you see, you care about, family you don't see .... well nevermind.
Edited by Trexthedinosaur on Thursday 9th February 10:46
How is the relationship between your grandfather and parents?
You can't change how you feel so don't force it. However, just make sure you can manage emotionally with your decision in the future. Just be aware part of the grieving process can involve guilt. Perhaps you could bring yourself to go and see him so that you are comfortable in the knowledge that you tried to maintain a relationship and that any failings were solely down to him despite your best attempts.
You can't change how you feel so don't force it. However, just make sure you can manage emotionally with your decision in the future. Just be aware part of the grieving process can involve guilt. Perhaps you could bring yourself to go and see him so that you are comfortable in the knowledge that you tried to maintain a relationship and that any failings were solely down to him despite your best attempts.
Respond to situations by your moral compass, not how someone else's would respond to you.
If you actually are bothered, but keep telling yourself that 'well, he never came to see me while I was ill so I'm not going to go to see him' then that's petty and self absorbed and you need to get over yourself.
If it's something that doesnt affect you emotionally, that's fine - maybe there are others in the family who could use your support.
If you actually are bothered, but keep telling yourself that 'well, he never came to see me while I was ill so I'm not going to go to see him' then that's petty and self absorbed and you need to get over yourself.
If it's something that doesnt affect you emotionally, that's fine - maybe there are others in the family who could use your support.
I made a similar thread when my Grandfather was ill. He was not in a state to recognise visitors, but some of my relatives went down to visit. It all seemed a bit much at the time (one of them did even read the thread)...
In hindsight, I regretted not going - even if it would have been for me, rather than him.
Only you can know how you feel. But don't forget that you have the rest of your life to regret making the wrong decision.
In hindsight, I regretted not going - even if it would have been for me, rather than him.
Only you can know how you feel. But don't forget that you have the rest of your life to regret making the wrong decision.
FredAstaire said:
You can't force yourself to care.
Exactly this! Also, just because someone is family it doesn't by default make you care or like them any more than someone else. In fact sometimes their lack of giving a sh!t as you touched upon in your power OP, makes you actually give less of a f....!
First off, congratulations for surviving your own health problems. My father in law was taken by a brain tumor and it's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. Secondly..
My brother and I were called into hospital over our father. Essentially his dialysis was no longer working and the hospital wanted our permission to withdraw treatment. It was basically "if we keep treating him, he'll live a month or two. Maybe. If we stop, he'll die within a week." They seemed very taken aback when we unanimously said "fine, whatever". They were "Uh... thanks for the quick decision, but most people like to mull it over for a while". Of course, no-one could understand that we didn't care when he died, or what of, and we couldn't explain why we didn't have to justify ourselves, explain what a wretched excuse for a human being he'd been before the stage of drowning in his own waste by-products. Ironic, almost.
However, before he died I made a point of going to see him and explain what I thought of some stuff. Not that he could understand any of it, largely having a brain full of piss by then, but selfishly speaking, it made me feel better. You never get a second chance at closure, and it's worth swallowing your finer feelings for the minutes it'd take just to ensure you don't regret not doing it forever after. Sounds self-interested and harsh, I know, but your grandfather won't be around to live with regrets. You will
FredAstaire said:
You can't force yourself to care.
But you can go and say goodbye, make closure.
...exactly this ^^But you can go and say goodbye, make closure.
My brother and I were called into hospital over our father. Essentially his dialysis was no longer working and the hospital wanted our permission to withdraw treatment. It was basically "if we keep treating him, he'll live a month or two. Maybe. If we stop, he'll die within a week." They seemed very taken aback when we unanimously said "fine, whatever". They were "Uh... thanks for the quick decision, but most people like to mull it over for a while". Of course, no-one could understand that we didn't care when he died, or what of, and we couldn't explain why we didn't have to justify ourselves, explain what a wretched excuse for a human being he'd been before the stage of drowning in his own waste by-products. Ironic, almost.
However, before he died I made a point of going to see him and explain what I thought of some stuff. Not that he could understand any of it, largely having a brain full of piss by then, but selfishly speaking, it made me feel better. You never get a second chance at closure, and it's worth swallowing your finer feelings for the minutes it'd take just to ensure you don't regret not doing it forever after. Sounds self-interested and harsh, I know, but your grandfather won't be around to live with regrets. You will
surveyor said:
I made a similar thread when my Grandfather was ill. He was not in a state to recognise visitors, but some of my relatives went down to visit. It all seemed a bit much at the time (one of them did even read the thread)...
In hindsight, I regretted not going - even if it would have been for me, rather than him.
Only you can know how you feel. But don't forget that you have the rest of your life to regret making the wrong decision.
I agree with this - if you do go and visit him, then I can't see how you'd ever regret it. But if you don't, there's a reasonable chance that you will always have that lingering thought and guilt "perhaps I should have gone to see him". So I would go and visit him, even if it's mainly for your own benefit.In hindsight, I regretted not going - even if it would have been for me, rather than him.
Only you can know how you feel. But don't forget that you have the rest of your life to regret making the wrong decision.
It's my uncle's funeral tomorrow, he was a pretty obnoxious b
d, estranged from the rest of the family for the last 5 years. I'm still going to the funeral (800 mile round trip) so I can say goodbye. Obviously that's for my own personal benefit at this stage, since he was a part of my life (albeit only a minor one). He died very suddenly, so conversely, I'm not sure if I'd have visited him on his deathbed if it had been more of a protracted thing.It's not uncommon for many of the older generation to have come from a period of time when the forming of close family bonds was something that was suppressed - either because of war and the likely, regular loss of those close to them and thus creating a means to cope with this loss more manageable, or simply that in some circles, it simply wasn't the 'done thing'.
Also, I have often found that some of the older generation find it difficult to face the potential mortality in some directly as it reminds them of their own mortality at a time when they're closer to the end themselves. They sometimes withdraw emotionally as a self-defence mechanism - although it more accurately a case of self-denial.
In short, older people can hold within themselves a deep amount of emotion towards individuals because that's what they've been 'trained' to do...as it were. To them 'that's normal'.
As others have said; a visit would do no harm to either he or you.
Also, I have often found that some of the older generation find it difficult to face the potential mortality in some directly as it reminds them of their own mortality at a time when they're closer to the end themselves. They sometimes withdraw emotionally as a self-defence mechanism - although it more accurately a case of self-denial.
In short, older people can hold within themselves a deep amount of emotion towards individuals because that's what they've been 'trained' to do...as it were. To them 'that's normal'.
As others have said; a visit would do no harm to either he or you.
E65Ross said:
about 2.5 years ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and soon after I went into hospital for surgery.....was in hospital for about 5 weeks or so and he never once came to visit me (despite me being very "touch and go" as to whether I'd pull through), and since coming out of hospital he hasn't once asked me how I am....he knows where I live, he has my phone number etc.
Some people are funny about illness, they don't want to acknowledge it or talk about it. Maybe it is a reminder to themselves how fragile their own lives are, so try to put it out of their mind. In his eyes you are fine now, why bring it up again. Go and see him.
If you don't, you'll spend the rest of your life wishing you had. If anything it makes you the better person.
[rant]
We seem to get all pathetic over celebrities dying these days (see the Sarah Palmer-Tomkinson/Bowie/whoever thread in NP&E for details. Celebrities we didn't care or think about until they snuff it then feel the need to tell everyone how terrible it is they're gone) yet don't really seem to care so much about our actual relations.
[/rant]
If you don't, you'll spend the rest of your life wishing you had. If anything it makes you the better person.
[rant]
We seem to get all pathetic over celebrities dying these days (see the Sarah Palmer-Tomkinson/Bowie/whoever thread in NP&E for details. Celebrities we didn't care or think about until they snuff it then feel the need to tell everyone how terrible it is they're gone) yet don't really seem to care so much about our actual relations.
[/rant]
I'm with the go see him camp.
If for no other reason than that you will know that you did the right thing, even if it wasn't the thing that you wanted to do. Remember if you do go the worst thing that is likely to happen is that you end up considering it a waste of petrol and a day. I'd vote for that over an niggling regret that I never went to see him that pops up every so often for the rest of my life.
And remember that just because one person is a cocksocket you don't have to be.
Sometimes my warped emotions even get a kick out of being extra nice to people i would struggle to cross the street to piss on if they were on fire. Quite a powerful thing to not only personally think that you are the bigger man but to have others tell you (unprompted) that they think you are.
If for no other reason than that you will know that you did the right thing, even if it wasn't the thing that you wanted to do. Remember if you do go the worst thing that is likely to happen is that you end up considering it a waste of petrol and a day. I'd vote for that over an niggling regret that I never went to see him that pops up every so often for the rest of my life.
And remember that just because one person is a cocksocket you don't have to be.
Sometimes my warped emotions even get a kick out of being extra nice to people i would struggle to cross the street to piss on if they were on fire. Quite a powerful thing to not only personally think that you are the bigger man but to have others tell you (unprompted) that they think you are.
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