Having kids to make her happy..
Discussion
I'm in a position where
a) I am the only person left with the family name (in the world as far as my research has gone) that can reproduce and keep the family name going for at least another generation.
b) My girlfriend is really putting the pressure on me to start a family soon, probably in the next 6 months and at some point will probably want to get married.
I'm 37 and have never really had a strong desire to have children or get married and the idea of it potentially happening very soon is scaring me, I don't know if it's for me.
This is the longest relationship I've had at around 3yrs and we started out as best friends from about 6-7 years ago. The idea of having kids came up a while ago but this was while we were still having fun, going travelling for months, not completely settled and I didn't give it much thought at the time, having kids seemed so far away that I thought in a few years I'd have everything out of my system and I'd be ready to settle down, which isn't really the case.
My girlfriend is Swedish and a couple of years ago I moved to Sweden to live with her, we're both now a bit bored with the city where we live and the lifestyle and I am particularly bored of living here and quite frankly don't feel like I have any roots here or much of a life these days other than going out drinking, all my friends are just the ones I have through her, it's difficult to find much else to do here or get my own circle of friends ( I can't speak Swedish and I run my own business from home) I couldn't possibly imagine staying here longer to raise a child.
We have been seriously looking at moving to Copenhagen and eventually buying a place there, I think we would have a much more varied life and I will find it easier to make friends, particularly more international friends, we've visited there a couple of times and we both feel the general quality of life would be a lot better and fulfilling.
Part of me wants to try this move and see how it goes for a few months and maybe it will be amazing and my feelings will change with regards to settling and starting a family there, and another part of me is worried that after moving our lives to another country and she finds a new job etc and wanting to have a kid even more urgently I will still be in the same frame of mind and wasted both our time and it will eventually mean us breaking up.
I won't go into all the details just yet but I wanted to ask if anyone else here has been in a similar position where they weren't particularly excited about the prospects of having kids but it happened anyway, how have things worked out..? ..has it turned out to make life better for you and your partner or have you ended up regretting the decision ever since and wished you'd just called it a day and went your own way?
It's a bit of a sensitive matter so please PM me if you've had a similar experience and you'd rather not post a reply.
I was 37 when I became a father for the first time and I don't regret it one minute. I'm glad I'm stable, financially secure etc and can concentrate on being a good dad.
Equally I'm glad I had 20 years on non stop fun beforehand.
However if you have children, forget meeting new friends, drinking socially and all of that- you won't have time. they occupy every single minute of yr day.
oh- you won't have one child, you'll have 2 at least, then maybe a third...............
and all that money that you once had.
that's now accounted for............
Equally I'm glad I had 20 years on non stop fun beforehand.
However if you have children, forget meeting new friends, drinking socially and all of that- you won't have time. they occupy every single minute of yr day.
oh- you won't have one child, you'll have 2 at least, then maybe a third...............
and all that money that you once had.
that's now accounted for............
A "No" from me.
However, if you are going to have children and she is Swedish then Sweden is the right place to start. Unless it has changed recently (see "Talk about Sweden" thread) there is excellent maternity leave and general being looked after by the state during parenthood and the first few years.
If you were to move to Copenhagen (or even back here) you would have a much worse level of help.
However, if you are going to have children and she is Swedish then Sweden is the right place to start. Unless it has changed recently (see "Talk about Sweden" thread) there is excellent maternity leave and general being looked after by the state during parenthood and the first few years.
If you were to move to Copenhagen (or even back here) you would have a much worse level of help.
Being a dad that's not really bothered one way or the other is rubbish for you the child, you... and your relationship.
So be all in or all out....
If it's all in, make a plan - Be the best dad you can be, sharing everything and getting involved.
Or be all out....and see what happens when you let her know...
Both your clocks are ticking, so don't waste her time....
For the record I have one child. Its very possible to have just one child.
It is also possible that you can still have a social life if you allow your other half to have one, harder to have a joint social life unless babysitting care is within walking distance.
I was all in, planned it, gave everything. Richly rewarding for 9 years
Until the missus had an affair, then my 9yo daughter decided 'on her own' that she longer wanted to see me so she hasn't spoken to me for 6 years.
In short if you're fully into your girlfriend and have no trust issues with her then go for it
If you have concerns then don't
It's a gamble either way though as things change right....
there is no right and wrong
Do what is right for you but don't waste her time if you can help it.
This was me at that age, 6 years on, two beautiful children who I couldn't imagine a life without.
No matter how much you may think you don't want kids it changes you forever once they come along and you look back to those earlier days thinking what the hell was a I worried about (except being skint / sleep deprived / etc.). Just do it.
No matter how much you may think you don't want kids it changes you forever once they come along and you look back to those earlier days thinking what the hell was a I worried about (except being skint / sleep deprived / etc.). Just do it.
Depends on how much you love her/want to stay together? And how much you really don't want kids? She clearly does want kids, and if you don't want to the sperm donor, sorry er father, she'll be off looking for another man who does. As a woman, her biological clock is ticking, whereas you have much longer to decide if you want kids or not.
C0ffin D0dger said:
This was me at that age, 6 years on, two beautiful children who I couldn't imagine a life without.
No matter how much you may think you don't want kids it changes you forever once they come along and you look back to those earlier days thinking what the hell was a I worried about (except being skint / sleep deprived / etc.). Just do it.
"Just do it"?!No matter how much you may think you don't want kids it changes you forever once they come along and you look back to those earlier days thinking what the hell was a I worried about (except being skint / sleep deprived / etc.). Just do it.
This is a permanent and irreversible life-changing decision. Most people who have kids love them to bits. Some feel it was a mistake. No way to find out till you get there, but there is absolutely nothing to lose (for the bloke) in holding off until you're SURE that's what you want.
Don't do it because she wants it. Don't do it to keep her happy. That's terrible for the kids, for your relationship, and your own mental health.
Be prepared to lose the missus over this, but that's okay, plenty more fish in the sea. You're an attractive, intelligent bloke who's got his s
t together in life right? Plenty of options with women? No real problem replacing her (eventually) if need be with a lass who's equally nice & who's clock isn't ticking so loudly yet.If that doesn't describe you, then you're contemplating a permanent major sacrifice to your own life that you're not sure you even want to make, just to keep your only female option open. Sounds a bit sad when you put it that way, sorry to be harsh, but let's be realistic.
"Having kids to keep her happy." Have a bit of a think how that might pan out long term (hint: not well, long term she'll feel it in her bones, feel that you didn't even respect yourself enough to stand up for your own interests).
If you're worried about lineage, men do stay fertile much longer than women, too.
Edited by Venturist on Friday 5th May 14:26
C0ffin D0dger said:
This was me at that age, 6 years on, two beautiful children who I couldn't imagine a life without.
No matter how much you may think you don't want kids it changes you forever....
Similar-ish - Similar age - I always wanted kids but I didn't want them "now". I would have put it off indefinitely but the Mrs saw differently. No matter how much you may think you don't want kids it changes you forever....
It took me quite a while to come round to life with kids - It is without doubt the biggest change to my life and I had to come to terms with that. It is quite hard (understatement).
Having come through it, I wouldn't have it any other way... (now 4 and 2) ... life is much better with kids (for me).
Bob
p.s. some people say men are never ready - in my case that was true.
Lexual said:
a) I am the only person left with the family name (in the world as far as my research has gone) that can reproduce and keep the family name going for at least another generation.
Is that a big factor in your thinking here?Lexual said:
My girlfriend is Swedish and a couple of years ago I moved to Sweden to live with her, we're both now a bit bored with the city where we live and the lifestyle and I am particularly bored of living here and quite frankly don't feel like I have any roots here or much of a life these days other than going out drinking, all my friends are just the ones I have through her, it's difficult to find much else to do here or get my own circle of friends ( I can't speak Swedish and I run my own business from home) I couldn't possibly imagine staying here longer to raise a child.
We have been seriously looking at moving to Copenhagen and eventually buying a place there, I think we would have a much more varied life and I will find it easier to make friends, particularly more international friends, we've visited there a couple of times and we both feel the general quality of life would be a lot better and fulfilling.
Swedish and Danish are very similar, but Swedish is a lot easier to understand. If you've not bothered learning any Swedish in the years you've lived there, will you bother learning Danish? I presume you'd still be running your own business from home - so, really, what would change? Which city are you currently in, and how does it compare to Copenhagen for size?We have been seriously looking at moving to Copenhagen and eventually buying a place there, I think we would have a much more varied life and I will find it easier to make friends, particularly more international friends, we've visited there a couple of times and we both feel the general quality of life would be a lot better and fulfilling.
Edited by TooMany2cvs on Friday 5th May 14:49
Lexual said:
I'm 37 and have never really had a strong desire to have children
While the rest of post is useful, these are the only words which really count right now.F*** everyone else, and I'm deadly serious about that. Keeping the family name alive, her desires, other peoples wishes, etc etc etc - boll*cks to all of them. This will probably be the biggest regret of your life if you get the decision wrong. Think about it long and hard, and consider what you want for yourself in the medium/long term.
If you really have no desire, then for the sake of all concerned, don't do it.
Decide, then sit down with her and tell it like it is - she probably feels just as uncertain and you'll both be happier once you've had it out, even if it means going your seperate ways.
Massive drain on resources, you'll have no money, no time and no energy to do anything even on the odd occasion when you do have some spare time or money.
The first 2 years are a tiring nightmare of broken sleep, constant cleaning and not having 5 mins to yourself. Once you've taught them how to feed themselves, how to walk and talk and they're not stting themselves (often), you get to have a constant battle of wills with someone who has nothing to lose and no inhibitions. It's exhausting and expensive and not something you should go into unless your relationship is rock solid.
Having said all that, you do discover a different side to yourself, and you'll experience a feeling of love that you could never experience with any other person on the planet. I have two lads aged 8 and 5 and I wouldn't change anything.
If you're only doing it for your Mrs then it will probably go badly wrong. It will not bring you closer together; having kids will apply a massive pressure to your relationship.
The first 2 years are a tiring nightmare of broken sleep, constant cleaning and not having 5 mins to yourself. Once you've taught them how to feed themselves, how to walk and talk and they're not s
tting themselves (often), you get to have a constant battle of wills with someone who has nothing to lose and no inhibitions. It's exhausting and expensive and not something you should go into unless your relationship is rock solid.Having said all that, you do discover a different side to yourself, and you'll experience a feeling of love that you could never experience with any other person on the planet. I have two lads aged 8 and 5 and I wouldn't change anything.
If you're only doing it for your Mrs then it will probably go badly wrong. It will not bring you closer together; having kids will apply a massive pressure to your relationship.
RTB said:
The first 2 years are a tiring nightmare of broken sleep, constant cleaning and not having 5 mins to yourself. Once you've taught them how to feed themselves, how to walk and talk and they're not stting themselves (often), you get to have a constant battle of wills with someone who has nothing to lose and no inhibitions. It's exhausting and expensive and not something you should go into unless your relationship is rock solid.
It can be particularly difficult for people, like the OP, who work from home. Some women just don't get it - you're there and they can't understand why you don't muck in.tting themselves (often), you get to have a constant battle of wills with someone who has nothing to lose and no inhibitions. It's exhausting and expensive and not something you should go into unless your relationship is rock solid.Can't really comment on anything else, but if you've been in Sweden for a couple of years and haven't learnt the language then you have to ask why? It must be rather lonely, and surely moving to Denmark would present the same problem?
Imagine having kids who grow able to speak the language but you can't.
Imagine having kids who grow able to speak the language but you can't.
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