The pressures on kids - how do you help yours cope/manage?
Discussion
"Kids are growing up with more anxiety and less self-esteem" https://childmind.org/article/how-using-social-med...
Jeez its all a far cry from my days... One of my barely teenage kids is getting a bit anxious and feeling over-pressurised about stuff and I cant help but think the school doesn't help much with the incessant layers of homework, tests, tasks plus the general social media pressures. They are a lovely bunch at the school and in a chat about this they suggested the school counsellor... Yep - the school has a counsellor
. I then spoke to other parents and yep...they know/have kids who go to this counsellor...
Nothing wrong with counselling and learning coping strategies etc but I cant help thinking this is bloody ridiculous for kids aged 13/14 and that it's more about the way we treat them, their connected devices and what we expect from them that is the issue. We don't treat them like kids anymore or even let them be kids. All the pressures from social media (as the article suggests) plus the 'connected' lifestyle makes them develop far ahead of their years but without the skills to cope.
I refused to let mine have phones until secondary schools (very much odd ones out...) and even blocked the mobile data until recently. The WiFi goes off on the router's 'per device' timer at 9pm and I purposefully chose BT as they have quite a good parental control block at DNS level for dodgy sites. Phones aren't allowed upstairs and I have locked it all down as much as I can yet I cant help thinking that most parent don't have a clue what 10 year old kids share or what dodgy websites they go to - I know my lad sees stuff he really shouldn't on other people's devices...
I wonder if anyone feels any similar parental anxiety and helplessness or has any tips/advice?
Jeez its all a far cry from my days... One of my barely teenage kids is getting a bit anxious and feeling over-pressurised about stuff and I cant help but think the school doesn't help much with the incessant layers of homework, tests, tasks plus the general social media pressures. They are a lovely bunch at the school and in a chat about this they suggested the school counsellor... Yep - the school has a counsellor
. I then spoke to other parents and yep...they know/have kids who go to this counsellor...Nothing wrong with counselling and learning coping strategies etc but I cant help thinking this is bloody ridiculous for kids aged 13/14 and that it's more about the way we treat them, their connected devices and what we expect from them that is the issue. We don't treat them like kids anymore or even let them be kids. All the pressures from social media (as the article suggests) plus the 'connected' lifestyle makes them develop far ahead of their years but without the skills to cope.
I refused to let mine have phones until secondary schools (very much odd ones out...) and even blocked the mobile data until recently. The WiFi goes off on the router's 'per device' timer at 9pm and I purposefully chose BT as they have quite a good parental control block at DNS level for dodgy sites. Phones aren't allowed upstairs and I have locked it all down as much as I can yet I cant help thinking that most parent don't have a clue what 10 year old kids share or what dodgy websites they go to - I know my lad sees stuff he really shouldn't on other people's devices...
I wonder if anyone feels any similar parental anxiety and helplessness or has any tips/advice?
I work in a school so see the daily struggles students have.
Working in ICT I do get to see enough, students walking around with iPhone 7+ to students using them to bully via different platforms.
Now a days students are being spoon fed by society, there is no thinking for themselves.
We had a year 6 intro day... I asked a year 6 to get off her phone, who is she talking to at 8.30!!
As for school counsellor, we have one too, they are available as a listening ear. i don't know all topics they cover but could include parent relationship issues, bullying to self harming.
Working in ICT I do get to see enough, students walking around with iPhone 7+ to students using them to bully via different platforms.
Now a days students are being spoon fed by society, there is no thinking for themselves.
We had a year 6 intro day... I asked a year 6 to get off her phone, who is she talking to at 8.30!!
As for school counsellor, we have one too, they are available as a listening ear. i don't know all topics they cover but could include parent relationship issues, bullying to self harming.
In my humble opinion the best thing to do is just ignore it all. It's all gone way too far. I don't push my kids at all. The amount of homework they get is insane and in no way reflects actual work in the real world. Let them just not hand stuff in. Don't get caught up in it. At some point you have to ask yourself whether driving them to the currently required level is really any good for them in the long run.
My Son was complaining to me that his head of year was an utter idiot - I met the man and he IS an idiot. I wouldn't trust him to run a bath. I'm not going to lie to my boy, his head of year is an absolute buffoon. The school is just a bizarre Blairite, league table obsessed torture chamber yet is is considered very good by Ofsted. It's all gone nuts. My Mum and Dad took the same approach. Sent me to the local comp and left me to get on with it. Took me a while to get my head round it but I got excellent results.
I help them cope by treating them as serious people. And by teaching them to never accept authority without question. The other thing we do is have bi-weekly tutoring in maths and English - no pressure, they can just catch up or deal with snags in a mellow environment. It's expensive but it gives you leeway.
Family meals as well. Essential to never let that slip. But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Also, you are to admired for enforcing the wireless cut-off. That does work. They have to sleep - if they sit up reading, or doing something creative, that's fine. In our house it's 10pm as the kids are a bit older. Also I keep them on pay-as-you-go phones. Thus they are careful with data and don't just spend hours on snap chat groups with their friends which, by the way, is totally normal.
Also, they kids are themselves. My son is a polite, affable person who doesn't make much mess and is pretty directionless at the moment. That's fine. My daughter, on the other hand, is pretty wild but is laser focussed on becoming a criminal lawyer. One size does not fit all. Or at least that's how it's been for us.
I'm a single parent and have brought them up largely by myself. Had I got locked into the homework-eat-homework-sleep lunacy that the education system relies on to function these days I'd never have got this far.
To be honest, you seem to have it pretty sussed. The sneaking suspicion that way too much educational pressure falls on the parents is fair enough. It does.
My Son was complaining to me that his head of year was an utter idiot - I met the man and he IS an idiot. I wouldn't trust him to run a bath. I'm not going to lie to my boy, his head of year is an absolute buffoon. The school is just a bizarre Blairite, league table obsessed torture chamber yet is is considered very good by Ofsted. It's all gone nuts. My Mum and Dad took the same approach. Sent me to the local comp and left me to get on with it. Took me a while to get my head round it but I got excellent results.
I help them cope by treating them as serious people. And by teaching them to never accept authority without question. The other thing we do is have bi-weekly tutoring in maths and English - no pressure, they can just catch up or deal with snags in a mellow environment. It's expensive but it gives you leeway.
Family meals as well. Essential to never let that slip. But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Also, you are to admired for enforcing the wireless cut-off. That does work. They have to sleep - if they sit up reading, or doing something creative, that's fine. In our house it's 10pm as the kids are a bit older. Also I keep them on pay-as-you-go phones. Thus they are careful with data and don't just spend hours on snap chat groups with their friends which, by the way, is totally normal.
Also, they kids are themselves. My son is a polite, affable person who doesn't make much mess and is pretty directionless at the moment. That's fine. My daughter, on the other hand, is pretty wild but is laser focussed on becoming a criminal lawyer. One size does not fit all. Or at least that's how it's been for us.
I'm a single parent and have brought them up largely by myself. Had I got locked into the homework-eat-homework-sleep lunacy that the education system relies on to function these days I'd never have got this far.
To be honest, you seem to have it pretty sussed. The sneaking suspicion that way too much educational pressure falls on the parents is fair enough. It does.
I have 2. 7 yr old boy and 5 yr old girl.
My 7 yr old is obbbbbsesssed with making sure he doesn't upset his teacher. He hates me speaking to her about anything without his approval.
We are a separated family although we co-parent quite well. He doesn't usually bet back to mine until 6/6.30pm and bedtime is 7.30 with tea time, reading and playtime inbetween. If he has homework he gets massively upset if there isn't enough time to finish it before bed. And, will not sleep if he doesn't do it. Massive amount of pressure on him.
As far as social media is concerned, he's only recently learnt of Facebook and I've explained it's a "grown up thing. Bit give it time and he'll be the last one on it before all his friends. They have Tablets but they're locked down to age appropriate apps.
I do worry how he'll end up coping with it as he grows older. I'm with a previous poster in that I'll just "go with the flow". Judge things on my own opinion and be honest with my kiddos.
My family literally shoved education down my throat. Made me paranoid about not succeeding in high school and further education. Net result was me finding a job at 16 after dropping out of college. Now 26 earning £40k/year. Didn't do me any harm
My 7 yr old is obbbbbsesssed with making sure he doesn't upset his teacher. He hates me speaking to her about anything without his approval.
We are a separated family although we co-parent quite well. He doesn't usually bet back to mine until 6/6.30pm and bedtime is 7.30 with tea time, reading and playtime inbetween. If he has homework he gets massively upset if there isn't enough time to finish it before bed. And, will not sleep if he doesn't do it. Massive amount of pressure on him.
As far as social media is concerned, he's only recently learnt of Facebook and I've explained it's a "grown up thing. Bit give it time and he'll be the last one on it before all his friends. They have Tablets but they're locked down to age appropriate apps.
I do worry how he'll end up coping with it as he grows older. I'm with a previous poster in that I'll just "go with the flow". Judge things on my own opinion and be honest with my kiddos.
My family literally shoved education down my throat. Made me paranoid about not succeeding in high school and further education. Net result was me finding a job at 16 after dropping out of college. Now 26 earning £40k/year. Didn't do me any harm
W124 said:
In my humble opinion the best thing to do is just ignore it all. It's all gone way too far. I don't push my kids at all. The amount of homework they get is insane and in no way reflects actual work in the real world. Let them just not hand stuff in. Don't get caught up in it. At some point you have to ask yourself whether driving them to the currently required level is really any good for them in the long run.
My Son was complaining to me that his head of year was an utter idiot - I met the man and he IS an idiot. I wouldn't trust him to run a bath. I'm not going to lie to my boy, his head of year is an absolute buffoon. The school is just a bizarre Blairite, league table obsessed torture chamber yet is is considered very good by Ofsted. It's all gone nuts. My Mum and Dad took the same approach. Sent me to the local comp and left me to get on with it. Took me a while to get my head round it but I got excellent results.
I help them cope by treating them as serious people. And by teaching them to never accept authority without question. The other thing we do is have bi-weekly tutoring in maths and English - no pressure, they can just catch up or deal with snags in a mellow environment. It's expensive but it gives you leeway.
Family meals as well. Essential to never let that slip. But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Also, you are to admired for enforcing the wireless cut-off. That does work. They have to sleep - if they sit up reading, or doing something creative, that's fine. In our house it's 10pm as the kids are a bit older. Also I keep them on pay-as-you-go phones. Thus they are careful with data and don't just spend hours on snap chat groups with their friends which, by the way, is totally normal.
Also, they kids are themselves. My son is a polite, affable person who doesn't make much mess and is pretty directionless at the moment. That's fine. My daughter, on the other hand, is pretty wild but is laser focussed on becoming a criminal lawyer. One size does not fit all. Or at least that's how it's been for us.
I'm a single parent and have brought them up largely by myself. Had I got locked into the homework-eat-homework-sleep lunacy that the education system relies on to function these days I'd never have got this far.
To be honest, you seem to have it pretty sussed. The sneaking suspicion that way too much educational pressure falls on the parents is fair enough. It does.
Blimey, you sound just like my dad! Take that as a compliment as he is a top bloke. I remember him saying the same thing, just let us get o with it at the local comp, don't fret about anything, just do your best and stick up for yourself. Which is what I did, didn't do me any harm!My Son was complaining to me that his head of year was an utter idiot - I met the man and he IS an idiot. I wouldn't trust him to run a bath. I'm not going to lie to my boy, his head of year is an absolute buffoon. The school is just a bizarre Blairite, league table obsessed torture chamber yet is is considered very good by Ofsted. It's all gone nuts. My Mum and Dad took the same approach. Sent me to the local comp and left me to get on with it. Took me a while to get my head round it but I got excellent results.
I help them cope by treating them as serious people. And by teaching them to never accept authority without question. The other thing we do is have bi-weekly tutoring in maths and English - no pressure, they can just catch up or deal with snags in a mellow environment. It's expensive but it gives you leeway.
Family meals as well. Essential to never let that slip. But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Also, you are to admired for enforcing the wireless cut-off. That does work. They have to sleep - if they sit up reading, or doing something creative, that's fine. In our house it's 10pm as the kids are a bit older. Also I keep them on pay-as-you-go phones. Thus they are careful with data and don't just spend hours on snap chat groups with their friends which, by the way, is totally normal.
Also, they kids are themselves. My son is a polite, affable person who doesn't make much mess and is pretty directionless at the moment. That's fine. My daughter, on the other hand, is pretty wild but is laser focussed on becoming a criminal lawyer. One size does not fit all. Or at least that's how it's been for us.
I'm a single parent and have brought them up largely by myself. Had I got locked into the homework-eat-homework-sleep lunacy that the education system relies on to function these days I'd never have got this far.
To be honest, you seem to have it pretty sussed. The sneaking suspicion that way too much educational pressure falls on the parents is fair enough. It does.
W124 said:
In my humble opinion the best thing to do is just ignore it all. It's all gone way too far. I don't push my kids at all. The amount of homework they get is insane and in no way reflects actual work in the real world. Let them just not hand stuff in. Don't get caught up in it. At some point you have to ask yourself whether driving them to the currently required level is really any good for them in the long run.
My Son was complaining to me that his head of year was an utter idiot - I met the man and he IS an idiot. I wouldn't trust him to run a bath. I'm not going to lie to my boy, his head of year is an absolute buffoon. The school is just a bizarre Blairite, league table obsessed torture chamber yet is is considered very good by Ofsted. It's all gone nuts. My Mum and Dad took the same approach. Sent me to the local comp and left me to get on with it. Took me a while to get my head round it but I got excellent results.
I help them cope by treating them as serious people. And by teaching them to never accept authority without question. The other thing we do is have bi-weekly tutoring in maths and English - no pressure, they can just catch up or deal with snags in a mellow environment. It's expensive but it gives you leeway.
Family meals as well. Essential to never let that slip. But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Also, you are to admired for enforcing the wireless cut-off. That does work. They have to sleep - if they sit up reading, or doing something creative, that's fine. In our house it's 10pm as the kids are a bit older. Also I keep them on pay-as-you-go phones. Thus they are careful with data and don't just spend hours on snap chat groups with their friends which, by the way, is totally normal.
Also, they kids are themselves. My son is a polite, affable person who doesn't make much mess and is pretty directionless at the moment. That's fine. My daughter, on the other hand, is pretty wild but is laser focussed on becoming a criminal lawyer. One size does not fit all. Or at least that's how it's been for us.
I'm a single parent and have brought them up largely by myself. Had I got locked into the homework-eat-homework-sleep lunacy that the education system relies on to function these days I'd never have got this far.
To be honest, you seem to have it pretty sussed. The sneaking suspicion that way too much educational pressure falls on the parents is fair enough. It does.
Quality post mate. Thanks. My Son was complaining to me that his head of year was an utter idiot - I met the man and he IS an idiot. I wouldn't trust him to run a bath. I'm not going to lie to my boy, his head of year is an absolute buffoon. The school is just a bizarre Blairite, league table obsessed torture chamber yet is is considered very good by Ofsted. It's all gone nuts. My Mum and Dad took the same approach. Sent me to the local comp and left me to get on with it. Took me a while to get my head round it but I got excellent results.
I help them cope by treating them as serious people. And by teaching them to never accept authority without question. The other thing we do is have bi-weekly tutoring in maths and English - no pressure, they can just catch up or deal with snags in a mellow environment. It's expensive but it gives you leeway.
Family meals as well. Essential to never let that slip. But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Also, you are to admired for enforcing the wireless cut-off. That does work. They have to sleep - if they sit up reading, or doing something creative, that's fine. In our house it's 10pm as the kids are a bit older. Also I keep them on pay-as-you-go phones. Thus they are careful with data and don't just spend hours on snap chat groups with their friends which, by the way, is totally normal.
Also, they kids are themselves. My son is a polite, affable person who doesn't make much mess and is pretty directionless at the moment. That's fine. My daughter, on the other hand, is pretty wild but is laser focussed on becoming a criminal lawyer. One size does not fit all. Or at least that's how it's been for us.
I'm a single parent and have brought them up largely by myself. Had I got locked into the homework-eat-homework-sleep lunacy that the education system relies on to function these days I'd never have got this far.
To be honest, you seem to have it pretty sussed. The sneaking suspicion that way too much educational pressure falls on the parents is fair enough. It does.
I have started limiting the time spent on homework so as I see the kids a bit more (sadly thats very much against my daughters positive work ethic) and saying if that causes any issues they are to contact me not bully or cause anxiety for you... Odd times.
Edited by Ken Figenus on Wednesday 5th July 22:10
TouchèKen Figenus said:
W124 said:
In my humble opinion the best thing to do is just ignore it all. It's all gone way too far. I don't push my kids at all. The amount of homework they get is insane and in no way reflects actual work in the real world. Let them just not hand stuff in. Don't get caught up in it. At some point you have to ask yourself whether driving them to the currently required level is really any good for them in the long run.
My Son was complaining to me that his head of year was an utter idiot - I met the man and he IS an idiot. I wouldn't trust him to run a bath. I'm not going to lie to my boy, his head of year is an absolute buffoon. The school is just a bizarre Blairite, league table obsessed torture chamber yet is is considered very good by Ofsted. It's all gone nuts. My Mum and Dad took the same approach. Sent me to the local comp and left me to get on with it. Took me a while to get my head round it but I got excellent results.
I help them cope by treating them as serious people. And by teaching them to never accept authority without question. The other thing we do is have bi-weekly tutoring in maths and English - no pressure, they can just catch up or deal with snags in a mellow environment. It's expensive but it gives you leeway.
Family meals as well. Essential to never let that slip. But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Also, you are to admired for enforcing the wireless cut-off. That does work. They have to sleep - if they sit up reading, or doing something creative, that's fine. In our house it's 10pm as the kids are a bit older. Also I keep them on pay-as-you-go phones. Thus they are careful with data and don't just spend hours on snap chat groups with their friends which, by the way, is totally normal.
Also, they kids are themselves. My son is a polite, affable person who doesn't make much mess and is pretty directionless at the moment. That's fine. My daughter, on the other hand, is pretty wild but is laser focussed on becoming a criminal lawyer. One size does not fit all. Or at least that's how it's been for us.
I'm a single parent and have brought them up largely by myself. Had I got locked into the homework-eat-homework-sleep lunacy that the education system relies on to function these days I'd never have got this far.
To be honest, you seem to have it pretty sussed. The sneaking suspicion that way too much educational pressure falls on the parents is fair enough. It does.
Quality post mate. Thanks. My Son was complaining to me that his head of year was an utter idiot - I met the man and he IS an idiot. I wouldn't trust him to run a bath. I'm not going to lie to my boy, his head of year is an absolute buffoon. The school is just a bizarre Blairite, league table obsessed torture chamber yet is is considered very good by Ofsted. It's all gone nuts. My Mum and Dad took the same approach. Sent me to the local comp and left me to get on with it. Took me a while to get my head round it but I got excellent results.
I help them cope by treating them as serious people. And by teaching them to never accept authority without question. The other thing we do is have bi-weekly tutoring in maths and English - no pressure, they can just catch up or deal with snags in a mellow environment. It's expensive but it gives you leeway.
Family meals as well. Essential to never let that slip. But I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Also, you are to admired for enforcing the wireless cut-off. That does work. They have to sleep - if they sit up reading, or doing something creative, that's fine. In our house it's 10pm as the kids are a bit older. Also I keep them on pay-as-you-go phones. Thus they are careful with data and don't just spend hours on snap chat groups with their friends which, by the way, is totally normal.
Also, they kids are themselves. My son is a polite, affable person who doesn't make much mess and is pretty directionless at the moment. That's fine. My daughter, on the other hand, is pretty wild but is laser focussed on becoming a criminal lawyer. One size does not fit all. Or at least that's how it's been for us.
I'm a single parent and have brought them up largely by myself. Had I got locked into the homework-eat-homework-sleep lunacy that the education system relies on to function these days I'd never have got this far.
To be honest, you seem to have it pretty sussed. The sneaking suspicion that way too much educational pressure falls on the parents is fair enough. It does.
I have started limiting the time spent on homework so as I see the kids a bit more (sadly thats very much against my daughters positive work ethic) and saying if that causes any issues they are to contact me not bully or cause anxiety for you... Odd times.
Edited by Ken Figenus on Wednesday 5th July 22:10
W124 said:
In my humble opinion the best thing to do is just ignore it all. It's all gone way too far. I don't push my kids at all. The amount of homework they get is insane and in no way reflects actual work in the real world. Let them just not hand stuff in. Don't get caught up in it. At some point you have to ask yourself whether driving them to the currently required level is really any good for them in the long run.
Totally agree with this. Had one of my kids stressed out with SATS, thought it was all over and he could chill out and enjoy himself. Tonight he starts crying because he's so stressed out again - turns out that they've been doing more SATS papers because they need to provide evidence for moderation! FFS, 7 year olds spending months practicing for exams, doing exams, and then doing more exams to prove that the exams they did were marked properly! Will be having a conversation with his teacher tomorrow.I'm a teacher, as well as the head of year 7 at my school. What this article describes is, sadly, absolutely correct. The pressure on education is now so massive it is definitely having an effect on childrens' mental health. The government seems obsessed with ramping up the pressure as well. Gove's new GCSEs, combined with the new progress 8 measures have meant that a lot of kids have suddenly ended up being forced into taking GCSE subjects which are entirely inappropriate for their abilities/interests. As a consequence you have rafts of students doing subjects they don't want to do, doing it badly and being put under huge pressure by the teachers/parents as a consequence. Gove's new GCSE's have also increased the pressie on the students hugely as well. The quantity of knowledge the students now have to retain is so huge in the history curriculum that it isn't actually possible to deliver within the time frame available. As a consequence we're having to start teaching it half way through year 9, adding more pressure again. In addition, in order to fit in the skills understanding we've revamped the assessment systems to test to gcse standards from year 7 onwards. More pressure. As someone said, kids can't just be kids and its heartbreaking.
However it isn't just education which is doing this. Young people are just connected now, in a way that old gits like me cannot fathom. In most cases the only sanction which worries them is the threat to remove their phone, which is akin to removing an arm! This level of connectedness means that there is never any down time. Bullying can and does happen 24/7. Also young people are so 'aware' these days. For instance I deal with instances of self harm in year 7 (11-12 years old) every year. Social media issues happen all the time, despite the kids not being legally old enough to have access to Instagram, etc.
I have three kids and I am going the way of other posters. We are fortunate to live in a village with a good primary and an outstanding secondary achool. The primary haven't put any pressure on my oldest (they didn't even mention that SATs were coming up to us!). I just hope it's enough to keep them happy.
However it isn't just education which is doing this. Young people are just connected now, in a way that old gits like me cannot fathom. In most cases the only sanction which worries them is the threat to remove their phone, which is akin to removing an arm! This level of connectedness means that there is never any down time. Bullying can and does happen 24/7. Also young people are so 'aware' these days. For instance I deal with instances of self harm in year 7 (11-12 years old) every year. Social media issues happen all the time, despite the kids not being legally old enough to have access to Instagram, etc.
I have three kids and I am going the way of other posters. We are fortunate to live in a village with a good primary and an outstanding secondary achool. The primary haven't put any pressure on my oldest (they didn't even mention that SATs were coming up to us!). I just hope it's enough to keep them happy.
I don't have kids but find this subject fascinating. I was born in 1979, so had my primary school years in the 80s and secondary school years in the 90s. I may be looking back at it with a degree of rose-tinted marvel but I can't imagine what it must be like for primary school students having to deal with homework - that just seems utterly bizarre!
If these kids are stuck in a routine of wake > school > home > homework > sleep, when are they going to be able to switch off and take time to discover the stuff that really interests them? How do they have time for extra-curricular stuff? Even from a young age, it was my personal interests and the things I did in my spare time which ultimately drove me towards my career. I can't imagine what it would be like now to potentially end up as undeveloped robot of a sausage machine education system without the scope for personal development and discovery.
If these kids are stuck in a routine of wake > school > home > homework > sleep, when are they going to be able to switch off and take time to discover the stuff that really interests them? How do they have time for extra-curricular stuff? Even from a young age, it was my personal interests and the things I did in my spare time which ultimately drove me towards my career. I can't imagine what it would be like now to potentially end up as undeveloped robot of a sausage machine education system without the scope for personal development and discovery.
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