How can these people say so confidently that I havefriends?
Discussion
I was feeling a little bit lonely recently - my studies got in top of me and I was feeling a little isolated socially. I said on Facebook to some people that I felt that I had no friends - all of the academic pressure was making me a bit unwell before my assignments were spaced out.
They responded 'if you think you have no friends then you are wrong. Look up the definition of friend in a dictionary and apply it to people you know'.
Another said to me 'you do have friends and can talk to me anytime'
My question is how can these people be so confident that I do have friends? They're no longer with me (i.e. We separated geographically and I haven't saw these people for a long time - I hadn't spoken to either of these people for nearly a year before hand and then probably a year or two before that).
Immeresing myself in studies can at times makes me feel lonely, and in the absence of people immediately around me, I can feel that I have no friends. I don't really speak to people anymore from school anymore and get very few messages by text/social media.
How can these people say that I 'do have friends' and 'if you think you have no friends then you are wrong' when I can feel so lonely and friendless at times?
They responded 'if you think you have no friends then you are wrong. Look up the definition of friend in a dictionary and apply it to people you know'.
Another said to me 'you do have friends and can talk to me anytime'
My question is how can these people be so confident that I do have friends? They're no longer with me (i.e. We separated geographically and I haven't saw these people for a long time - I hadn't spoken to either of these people for nearly a year before hand and then probably a year or two before that).
Immeresing myself in studies can at times makes me feel lonely, and in the absence of people immediately around me, I can feel that I have no friends. I don't really speak to people anymore from school anymore and get very few messages by text/social media.
How can these people say that I 'do have friends' and 'if you think you have no friends then you are wrong' when I can feel so lonely and friendless at times?
Because aspergers does that to you. The chances are you do have more friends than you realise. Certainly, a lot of what you've posted already says you were well liked at school, and the same is going to be true at university. But that doesn't stop those feelings of crippling loneliness, especially as you're now in a new social environment. It's hard even for neurotypical people, some people get such social anxieties they get sick with worry. They don't even have the added burden of having aspergers either.
It sounds like you have a lot to think about at the moment and it is stressing you out, I honestly think you need to see your student services department to get some extra support, someone you can see on a regular basis who can help you on a one to one basis sort out all these issues for you.
Try not to start a new thread each time you have a question, stick with one thread and just post multiple times. Makes things easier. Or drop me a PM, I have access to a range of student support services through work and can put you in touch with a local support group. Hopefully not a group that thinks a jazz night followed by a curry is a good night out.
All the best.
Wiccy
It sounds like you have a lot to think about at the moment and it is stressing you out, I honestly think you need to see your student services department to get some extra support, someone you can see on a regular basis who can help you on a one to one basis sort out all these issues for you.
Try not to start a new thread each time you have a question, stick with one thread and just post multiple times. Makes things easier. Or drop me a PM, I have access to a range of student support services through work and can put you in touch with a local support group. Hopefully not a group that thinks a jazz night followed by a curry is a good night out.
All the best.
Wiccy
Wiccan of Darkness said:
Because aspergers does that to you. The chances are you do have more friends than you realise. Certainly, a lot of what you've posted already says you were well liked at school, and the same is going to be true at university. But that doesn't stop those feelings of crippling loneliness, especially as you're now in a new social environment. It's hard even for neurotypical people, some people get such social anxieties they get sick with worry. They don't even have the added burden of having aspergers either.
It sounds like you have a lot to think about at the moment and it is stressing you out, I honestly think you need to see your student services department to get some extra support, someone you can see on a regular basis who can help you on a one to one basis sort out all these issues for you.
Try not to start a new thread each time you have a question, stick with one thread and just post multiple times. Makes things easier. Or drop me a PM, I have access to a range of student support services through work and can put you in touch with a local support group. Hopefully not a group that thinks a jazz night followed by a curry is a good night out.
All the best.
Wiccy
This.It sounds like you have a lot to think about at the moment and it is stressing you out, I honestly think you need to see your student services department to get some extra support, someone you can see on a regular basis who can help you on a one to one basis sort out all these issues for you.
Try not to start a new thread each time you have a question, stick with one thread and just post multiple times. Makes things easier. Or drop me a PM, I have access to a range of student support services through work and can put you in touch with a local support group. Hopefully not a group that thinks a jazz night followed by a curry is a good night out.
All the best.
Wiccy
Excellent post.
Tom, I was tempted to say this is a wind up, in fact I alluded to this on one of the other threads, but I appreciate your short term memory may not be great.
Just a tip though, keep all of your posts in one place and stick to it, consider this a reminder. Perhaps the mods could also be reminded so that they could converge everything.
Just a tip though, keep all of your posts in one place and stick to it, consider this a reminder. Perhaps the mods could also be reminded so that they could converge everything.
Thank you all so much for you responses - especially Wiccan of Darkness.
I will keep everything on here to one thread - I am just a bit new to Forums.
Thank you all for replying to me. I just post these threads as it is good to speak to people as I do work very hard - just occasionally I struggle in my continuing shyness and lack of confidence in myself. I just struggle so much to believe that I do have friends or even define what a friend is and how often friends (including old school friends) speak.
I always think that I have no friends here as I often feel lonely - I work hard but struggle a lot to engage socially. I am curious as I often feel as if I have no friends at all here so having people who I knew (but don't really speak to anymore frequently) say that I do surprises me. Is it that they just don't know what it is like (in terms of living with Aspergers and feeling socially isolated) or have I got myself in a state of feeling so low that I am not thinking about friendship, and what it means, correctly?
I will keep everything on here to one thread - I am just a bit new to Forums.
Thank you all for replying to me. I just post these threads as it is good to speak to people as I do work very hard - just occasionally I struggle in my continuing shyness and lack of confidence in myself. I just struggle so much to believe that I do have friends or even define what a friend is and how often friends (including old school friends) speak.
I always think that I have no friends here as I often feel lonely - I work hard but struggle a lot to engage socially. I am curious as I often feel as if I have no friends at all here so having people who I knew (but don't really speak to anymore frequently) say that I do surprises me. Is it that they just don't know what it is like (in terms of living with Aspergers and feeling socially isolated) or have I got myself in a state of feeling so low that I am not thinking about friendship, and what it means, correctly?
Firstly, I'm assuming you've recently came out of school where there is a lot of support to make lessons inclusive and help you get the best experience possible given your condition. If you haven't already, make sure the universities disability service (or equivalent) knows about your condition and don't be afraid to ask for help: They can provide great help and advice regarding your condition and are always well trained on these aspects regardless of which university you're at.
I wouldn't worry about having friends. You're in a new environment, therefore you have to meet new people. Most people will disappear into the background, but you will eventually find one or two people who you meet for coffee with and chat endlessly to.
I know meeting new people can be a struggle. If you look at me from the outside: high-school teacher, climbing instructor, travelled the world with my previous job. You would think I have no problems with new situations. But one of my downfalls is new social situations. Yesterday I went to somewhere I had never been before. I had to look at streetview; look at photos of inside before even considering going in. But that's a coping mechanism. I can only Imagine how it feels for you given your condition.
There's loads of societies at most universities which are a great way of meeting new people. But for someone who struggles socially (what room is it in? where do I go? Who do greet? What will I talk about?) It can be daunting. You're going to be developing coping mechanisms for your anxiety/condition and the only way to develop these coping mechanisms is to get out there and do stuff.
You're doing well on here. Clearly you're liked enough to get a positive response from most people on here. It's an extremely tough crowd on this forum.
I wouldn't worry about having friends. You're in a new environment, therefore you have to meet new people. Most people will disappear into the background, but you will eventually find one or two people who you meet for coffee with and chat endlessly to.
I know meeting new people can be a struggle. If you look at me from the outside: high-school teacher, climbing instructor, travelled the world with my previous job. You would think I have no problems with new situations. But one of my downfalls is new social situations. Yesterday I went to somewhere I had never been before. I had to look at streetview; look at photos of inside before even considering going in. But that's a coping mechanism. I can only Imagine how it feels for you given your condition.
There's loads of societies at most universities which are a great way of meeting new people. But for someone who struggles socially (what room is it in? where do I go? Who do greet? What will I talk about?) It can be daunting. You're going to be developing coping mechanisms for your anxiety/condition and the only way to develop these coping mechanisms is to get out there and do stuff.
You're doing well on here. Clearly you're liked enough to get a positive response from most people on here. It's an extremely tough crowd on this forum.
I wish that I spoke more to people at my old school rather than shutting myself off, just focussing on academics. I met with one of my old teachers from school - he said that 'there are lots of people who are very fond of you'. What does this mean? No one really speaks to me regularly or at all anymore so I struggle to see how I can have any friends.
Tomm,
You say that no one speaks to you or texts you anymore. Out of interest, do you ever try to communicate with the people you would like to have stayed in touch with?
I am not talking about just posting a Facebook update once in a while and hoping people respond, I mean actually sending a text or making a phone call to old mates.
You say that no one speaks to you or texts you anymore. Out of interest, do you ever try to communicate with the people you would like to have stayed in touch with?
I am not talking about just posting a Facebook update once in a while and hoping people respond, I mean actually sending a text or making a phone call to old mates.
Do not worry. I can say with 100% certainty that you DO have friends. It's just that your perception is not what is happening in reality.
Look at it this way. Visualise this in your head. You are sat in a room, in the middle. Each side of you is a person who is your 'friend'. You are talking to them and being quite witty, you are relaxed, happy and chatting away. Around you in a circle are say 30 people who are watching you talking to these 2 other people.
All they do is watch, and say nothing. But what you don't know is what is going on inside their heads. They are following the conversation in their heads, but say or do nothing.
You stop talking, and leave the room. You do not see what happens next.
The two people you were talking to, are happy and say 'I like him, and he's our friend'.
The other 30 people who have been watching you, all stand up and say 'we really like him, he's funny, witty, clever and a wonderful person to be around. We really enjoy being in the same room as him. But we never say anything because we don't know what to say to him. We really like him, we want to say nice things but sometimes when you say something nice, it gets misinterpreted. So we say nothing at all because we don't want him to have hurt feelings.'
You have not seen or heard the reaction from the other 30 people, but they really do like you. It's just that your aspergers pretty much makes it impossible for you to see that.
What you are experiencing is typical aspergers trait. I taught a child with aspergers and he was exactly the same. The most wonderful, likeable person in the whole world yet he thought he had no friends. He did, so many people liked him, but his perception was that he had no friends. Furthermore, he had a very good sense of humour.
I am concerned you are currently worrying yourself in to a downward spiral. The danger is if you keep thinking you have no friends, start stressing about it to the point you become more reclusive, that then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You then hide away for a day, then think nobody has spoken to me for a day, then 2 days, then a week and so on. It gets picked up by student services, they cart you off to the GP who reads your notes, sees aspergers and thinks some antidepressants will sort you out. The physical aspects of aspergers then kicks in as you get every side effect listed on the leaflet.
This is what people don't understand about aspergers. It is also a PHYSICAL condition. Hypersensitivity and chemosensitivity make life a living hell. For example, the person I taught could not walk down the detergent aisle of the supermarket, as the smell of detergent and washing powder made his eyes go bloodshot and watery. Loud music and fireworks are painful and lead to headaches that last a weekend.
This recent pattern of negative thinking does need to stop before it becomes an all consuming fog of misery and doubt.
Feel free to email me, click on my name on the left of this post, and on my profile page click on email me. I can put you in touch with local services that can help you get through this.
Look at it this way. Visualise this in your head. You are sat in a room, in the middle. Each side of you is a person who is your 'friend'. You are talking to them and being quite witty, you are relaxed, happy and chatting away. Around you in a circle are say 30 people who are watching you talking to these 2 other people.
All they do is watch, and say nothing. But what you don't know is what is going on inside their heads. They are following the conversation in their heads, but say or do nothing.
You stop talking, and leave the room. You do not see what happens next.
The two people you were talking to, are happy and say 'I like him, and he's our friend'.
The other 30 people who have been watching you, all stand up and say 'we really like him, he's funny, witty, clever and a wonderful person to be around. We really enjoy being in the same room as him. But we never say anything because we don't know what to say to him. We really like him, we want to say nice things but sometimes when you say something nice, it gets misinterpreted. So we say nothing at all because we don't want him to have hurt feelings.'
You have not seen or heard the reaction from the other 30 people, but they really do like you. It's just that your aspergers pretty much makes it impossible for you to see that.
What you are experiencing is typical aspergers trait. I taught a child with aspergers and he was exactly the same. The most wonderful, likeable person in the whole world yet he thought he had no friends. He did, so many people liked him, but his perception was that he had no friends. Furthermore, he had a very good sense of humour.
I am concerned you are currently worrying yourself in to a downward spiral. The danger is if you keep thinking you have no friends, start stressing about it to the point you become more reclusive, that then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You then hide away for a day, then think nobody has spoken to me for a day, then 2 days, then a week and so on. It gets picked up by student services, they cart you off to the GP who reads your notes, sees aspergers and thinks some antidepressants will sort you out. The physical aspects of aspergers then kicks in as you get every side effect listed on the leaflet.
This is what people don't understand about aspergers. It is also a PHYSICAL condition. Hypersensitivity and chemosensitivity make life a living hell. For example, the person I taught could not walk down the detergent aisle of the supermarket, as the smell of detergent and washing powder made his eyes go bloodshot and watery. Loud music and fireworks are painful and lead to headaches that last a weekend.
This recent pattern of negative thinking does need to stop before it becomes an all consuming fog of misery and doubt.
Feel free to email me, click on my name on the left of this post, and on my profile page click on email me. I can put you in touch with local services that can help you get through this.
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