Discussion
I don't know how to word this. My Dad unexpected passed away during the night on Christmas morning. Even though he was very ill and had was on home dialysis we thought he had a while left. As I live in Dorset and he lived in south Scotland I drove up yesterday to be with my mum. We were close and spoke on the phone most days but I hadn't seen.him since August. Do I go and visit him and say my last good-byes or do I remember him as he was to me? Will I regret not doing this? I've no idea. Everything is about surreal just now and today we are starting to sort things out. Sorry for the ramble.
Sorry for your loss!
Personally I've never seen anyone dead and have no wish to do so. My wife on the other hand has seen quite a few relatives - she particularly regrets going to see her grandmother after she passed as her face was contorted and it bothers her still every now and then even though it was years ago.
You'll get opinion both ways on this I'm sure and at the end of the day it'll be down to what you feel is best at the time.
Personally I've never seen anyone dead and have no wish to do so. My wife on the other hand has seen quite a few relatives - she particularly regrets going to see her grandmother after she passed as her face was contorted and it bothers her still every now and then even though it was years ago.
You'll get opinion both ways on this I'm sure and at the end of the day it'll be down to what you feel is best at the time.
Like Elanfan said, entirely down to you, and what you need. If the time up to his passing was hard for him, you may get something out of seeing him at peace, or you may just get upset at seeing the difference between a living, full colour human, and one where the spark has gone.
Gentleman hugs to you and your Mum. Make sure you take care of yourself in the coming days.
Gentleman hugs to you and your Mum. Make sure you take care of yourself in the coming days.
Really sorry to hear of your loss.
I lost my Dad last year and was in a similar situation with deciding whether or not to see him. I did in the end, although I was fairly sure I wouldn't want to - mainly because my sisters wanted to and I felt I should be there to support. In the end I was glad I did, he looked at peace and it was an opportunity to say a last goodbye. It hasn't affected how I remember him.
I lost my Dad last year and was in a similar situation with deciding whether or not to see him. I did in the end, although I was fairly sure I wouldn't want to - mainly because my sisters wanted to and I felt I should be there to support. In the end I was glad I did, he looked at peace and it was an opportunity to say a last goodbye. It hasn't affected how I remember him.
So sorry for your loss.
Entirely personal decision. Some people find that the opportunity to say goodbye provides closure. Others would rather they didn't see their loved ones after death (esp if after a couple of days) as the appearance can be quite different and they would rather their mental memory was of them alive.
Most important thing is to be there to support your mother. In these early days there's a lot to organise/sort and I'm sure she'll need your help.
Thoughts are with you in this difficult time.
Entirely personal decision. Some people find that the opportunity to say goodbye provides closure. Others would rather they didn't see their loved ones after death (esp if after a couple of days) as the appearance can be quite different and they would rather their mental memory was of them alive.
Most important thing is to be there to support your mother. In these early days there's a lot to organise/sort and I'm sure she'll need your help.
Thoughts are with you in this difficult time.
Sorry for your loss; my grandfather died on Christmas day some years ago, so can empathise a little with what you are going through. I did look in on him - he was still in bed at the bungalow he and my grandmother lived in. I can't clearly recall what I felt or thought at the time, but don't recall getting anything beneficial out of seeing the body, others may have other experiences/recollections.
Some years later; but still some time ago now, when my dad died I chose not to see the body and don't regret the decision.
At the end of the day; decide which is more likely to be the thing you regret: not seeing the body or remembering him as he was.
Some years later; but still some time ago now, when my dad died I chose not to see the body and don't regret the decision.
At the end of the day; decide which is more likely to be the thing you regret: not seeing the body or remembering him as he was.
Very sorry for your loss. As almost everyone has said only you can decide if you should go and see him. I have never been to see anyone after they have died and do not intend to change that. However I know that some people find it helps them to accept what has happened. All the best for what is going to be a difficult time for you.
Very sorry for your loss.
I would go.
One of the problems about grief is regret; you always regret not doing more or not visiting them as often as you might have done or not going to see them after death and this does come back over the years, believe me. I'm not suggesting this applies to you but it's important to get closure and you will never regret going to see your father but you may well regret it later if you don't.
Everyone is different; you should listen to your own inner voice on this and follow it.
I would go.
One of the problems about grief is regret; you always regret not doing more or not visiting them as often as you might have done or not going to see them after death and this does come back over the years, believe me. I'm not suggesting this applies to you but it's important to get closure and you will never regret going to see your father but you may well regret it later if you don't.
Everyone is different; you should listen to your own inner voice on this and follow it.
I deal with quite a lot of death in my job. It's quite a privilege to see them, read through their history and see photos of them alive. However, they never look the same as their photos to me, they all seem to look very similar in death. It depends on how you want to remember your dad I suppose. I simply had to see my grandma a few years ago when she went and I nearly called out to the funeral director thinking they'd brought the wrong person out. It looked nothing like her but I'm glad I saw in a "good times and bad times" kind of way and again privileged that I was the last person (in the family) to see her.
Sorry for your loss, particularly at this time of year.
I lost my dad when I was 11 and my mum when I was 31. On both occasions, I had the opportunity to say 'a last goodbye' but decided against it. My take is that it's far better to remember them as they were, rather than having your most recent memory of them being a cold, lifeless body. You cannot un-see it once you've seen it and you'll never be able to replace the memory. That's just my view, of course.
Whatever happens, just be sure it's what YOU want and not what someone else wants you to do.
I lost my dad when I was 11 and my mum when I was 31. On both occasions, I had the opportunity to say 'a last goodbye' but decided against it. My take is that it's far better to remember them as they were, rather than having your most recent memory of them being a cold, lifeless body. You cannot un-see it once you've seen it and you'll never be able to replace the memory. That's just my view, of course.
Whatever happens, just be sure it's what YOU want and not what someone else wants you to do.
My father died in similar circumstances although his death was most unexpected (heart attack in the night). I had to travel out to Spain and I saw his body a few hours after he died. He looked at peace and rested. His various pains no longer affected him.
I said my tearful goodbyes. I wouldn't change this decsion for the world.
I said my tearful goodbyes. I wouldn't change this decsion for the world.
Imo its just another memory. Wont be the only thing you'll remember. Goodtimes and bad.
I went to see my mum. Was aged 21 and went on my own.. She looked odd and the memory haunted me for years, but it was just one of many after a very long battle with cancer. The end game then funeral process was more harrowing for me and only really showed a couple of years later completely out of the blue.
My only regret for my mum was not carrying her into the crem. I couldn't. I've done this for various relatives and for me is a much better last goodbye/thing to do for them. Heavy buggers though!
Sorry for your loss.
I went to see my mum. Was aged 21 and went on my own.. She looked odd and the memory haunted me for years, but it was just one of many after a very long battle with cancer. The end game then funeral process was more harrowing for me and only really showed a couple of years later completely out of the blue.
My only regret for my mum was not carrying her into the crem. I couldn't. I've done this for various relatives and for me is a much better last goodbye/thing to do for them. Heavy buggers though!
Sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss, particularly at this time of year.
In 2014 my dad passed away in his sleep in the early hours of Christmas eve; his alarm went off for work, he didn't turn it off so his wife nudged him, he was dead.
It was totally unexpected, he wasn't ill, it wasn't something that we were expecting.
Upon arriving and being told, I immediately said that I wanted to see him, however my (then), step brother stopped me and asked if I really wanted to, as he didn't think it was a good idea and maybe I should give it a few moments to think about, in the end I changed my mind as I'd seen him the night before; we'd had a drink, he was happy and looking forward to Christmas day, so my last memory of dad is of that as opposed to him lying dead in bed and probably not looking great as he'd been dead for some time.
However my sister, who hadn't seen him for a few weeks, did go and see him, we've never spoken about it though.
Unfortunately OP, it's only a decision that you can make.
In 2014 my dad passed away in his sleep in the early hours of Christmas eve; his alarm went off for work, he didn't turn it off so his wife nudged him, he was dead.
It was totally unexpected, he wasn't ill, it wasn't something that we were expecting.
Upon arriving and being told, I immediately said that I wanted to see him, however my (then), step brother stopped me and asked if I really wanted to, as he didn't think it was a good idea and maybe I should give it a few moments to think about, in the end I changed my mind as I'd seen him the night before; we'd had a drink, he was happy and looking forward to Christmas day, so my last memory of dad is of that as opposed to him lying dead in bed and probably not looking great as he'd been dead for some time.
However my sister, who hadn't seen him for a few weeks, did go and see him, we've never spoken about it though.
Unfortunately OP, it's only a decision that you can make.
So sorry to hear of your loss. As others have said, this is a very personal decission and one you should not be swayed upon.
One thing that you might want to consider is have you experienced this before or would it be your first time. If the former that you will be prepared for what to expect, if the latter you will not.
I have friends who have found a lot of comfort from doing this and seeing their loved one in peace, yet others who regretted the experience.
All the very best, whatever you decide upon, with everything you and your family are going through.
One thing that you might want to consider is have you experienced this before or would it be your first time. If the former that you will be prepared for what to expect, if the latter you will not.
I have friends who have found a lot of comfort from doing this and seeing their loved one in peace, yet others who regretted the experience.
All the very best, whatever you decide upon, with everything you and your family are going through.
Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost both my parent in 2016 and 2017 and on both occasions I chose not to see the bodies. I preferred to remember then as they were not at the last moment.
My sister thought it strange but I went when they were alive, she only went when they were dead.
Only you can decide but if your mum wants to go you may not have a choice if she needs you there.
My sister thought it strange but I went when they were alive, she only went when they were dead.
Only you can decide but if your mum wants to go you may not have a choice if she needs you there.
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