I would like to propose a new Office of State
Discussion
The Arse-kicker General.
It's a bit like the old office of the Witchfinder General. Except that witchcraft isn't really a thing, and t
ts who dawdle down the road really slowly in front of me is.
The officeholder should be about 6'5", wear a long black coat, a top hat and a big pair of hobnailed, steel toe capped winkle pickers. Duties will primarily involve patrolling central London to look for the likes of self absorbed wksplats looking at their phones while perambulating at 1 mph and gawping tourists dawldling en famille and line abreast - especially the ones who stop to take selfies at strategic choke points - and on finding the miscreants, giving them a solid punt up the pineapple fritter.
You know it makes sense. What new Offices of State do you think would make a better Britain?
It's a bit like the old office of the Witchfinder General. Except that witchcraft isn't really a thing, and t
ts who dawdle down the road really slowly in front of me is. The officeholder should be about 6'5", wear a long black coat, a top hat and a big pair of hobnailed, steel toe capped winkle pickers. Duties will primarily involve patrolling central London to look for the likes of self absorbed w
ksplats looking at their phones while perambulating at 1 mph and gawping tourists dawldling en famille and line abreast - especially the ones who stop to take selfies at strategic choke points - and on finding the miscreants, giving them a solid punt up the pineapple fritter.You know it makes sense. What new Offices of State do you think would make a better Britain?
I don't much fancy the idea of a new witch-finder general.
Anyway, just push them under a bus. Works for me. Plus you have the added amusement of knowing their social media page will overload with U OK hun xx comments as their final selfie with a routemaster bearing down on their vacuous crania goes viral.
On a serious note, start by annihilating all those media outlets that every 6 months when the clocks change interview the bloke at the clock museum who has to spend 2 weeks changing all the clocks in the building. He made his career choice, no point in gloating from a journalist who made equally poor career moves.
And any newspaper that headlines with 'Phew what a scorcher' during a heatwave. Dogs don't wear sunglasses or eat ice creams.
Anyway, just push them under a bus. Works for me. Plus you have the added amusement of knowing their social media page will overload with U OK hun xx comments as their final selfie with a routemaster bearing down on their vacuous crania goes viral.
On a serious note, start by annihilating all those media outlets that every 6 months when the clocks change interview the bloke at the clock museum who has to spend 2 weeks changing all the clocks in the building. He made his career choice, no point in gloating from a journalist who made equally poor career moves.
And any newspaper that headlines with 'Phew what a scorcher' during a heatwave. Dogs don't wear sunglasses or eat ice creams.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
I can remember a time when you got a mention in the local paper if caught speeding , drink driving or other naughty motoring offences .Most towns with a courthouse had a dedicated reporter from the local rag .
Now it's all copied from the internet or social meeeja !
ellroy said:
Minister for common sense.
With the power to punt officious twunts in the clockweights when they’re proven to be operating a computer says no mentality.
I like this.With the power to punt officious twunts in the clockweights when they’re proven to be operating a computer says no mentality.
I propose the office of Fiscal Enjoyment.
Everything these days must return profit, must increase in value etc
Why can't we spend public funds on stuff that just makes us happy or gives a Town/City something unique?
perhaps allocate a certain amount to 4-5 different towns/cities per year then short list some fun way of spending it and get residents to vote online etc
Cheer up Britain!
Here's a fiscal policy one.
This for when schemes or practices using government (i.e. taxpayers) money go tits up.
This officer would have the powers of Richelieu. He/she would be able to investigate the person or committee that approved the spending. He/she/they could then be made to make reparation personally
The resulting bankruptcy would kill all credibility.
The title of the office of state would be...
Lord High Actuary.
(Available for hire to the private sector).
This for when schemes or practices using government (i.e. taxpayers) money go tits up.
This officer would have the powers of Richelieu. He/she would be able to investigate the person or committee that approved the spending. He/she/they could then be made to make reparation personally
The resulting bankruptcy would kill all credibility.
The title of the office of state would be...
Lord High Actuary.
(Available for hire to the private sector).
BruceV8 said:
The Arse-kicker General.
It's a bit like the old office of the Witchfinder General. Except that witchcraft isn't really a thing, and tts who dawdle down the road really slowly in front of me is.
The officeholder should be about 6'5", wear a long black coat, a top hat and a big pair of hobnailed, steel toe capped winkle pickers. Duties will primarily involve patrolling central London to look for the likes of self absorbed wksplats looking at their phones while perambulating at 1 mph and gawping tourists dawldling en famille and line abreast - especially the ones who stop to take selfies at strategic choke points - and on finding the miscreants, giving them a solid punt up the pineapple fritter.
You know it makes sense. What new Offices of State do you think would make a better Britain?
Start a petition and I'll sign it. I for one welcome our new arse-kicking overlord.It's a bit like the old office of the Witchfinder General. Except that witchcraft isn't really a thing, and t
ts who dawdle down the road really slowly in front of me is. The officeholder should be about 6'5", wear a long black coat, a top hat and a big pair of hobnailed, steel toe capped winkle pickers. Duties will primarily involve patrolling central London to look for the likes of self absorbed w
ksplats looking at their phones while perambulating at 1 mph and gawping tourists dawldling en famille and line abreast - especially the ones who stop to take selfies at strategic choke points - and on finding the miscreants, giving them a solid punt up the pineapple fritter.You know it makes sense. What new Offices of State do you think would make a better Britain?
BruceV8 said:
The Arse-kicker General.
It's a bit like the old office of the Witchfinder General. Except that witchcraft isn't really a thing, and tts who dawdle down the road really slowly in front of me is.
I have often proposed that there should be two lanes in any pedestrian thoroughfare. The slow lane is for meanderers, texters, talkers and general slowness. The fast lane is reserved for those of us who move like we've got a purpose (and a pair of legs). This system should be enforced by roving teams of snipers who will shoot anyone who meanders into and holds up (or potentially holds up) the fast lane. Corpses will be shoved back into the slow lane by roving teams equipped with shovels (who could also provide backup for the Snipers if they're on break).It's a bit like the old office of the Witchfinder General. Except that witchcraft isn't really a thing, and t
ts who dawdle down the road really slowly in front of me is. I have proposed this to the board of Heathrow Airports Holdings but the only response I received was "Who are you", "How did you get this number" and "Never call here again".
BruceV8 said:
The Arse-kicker General.
It's a bit like the old office of the Witchfinder General. Except that witchcraft isn't really a thing, and tts who dawdle down the road really slowly in front of me is.
The officeholder should be about 6'5", wear a long black coat, a top hat and a big pair of hobnailed, steel toe capped winkle pickers. Duties will primarily involve patrolling central London to look for the likes of self absorbed wksplats looking at their phones while perambulating at 1 mph and gawping tourists dawldling en famille and line abreast - especially the ones who stop to take selfies at strategic choke points - and on finding the miscreants, giving them a solid punt up the pineapple fritter.
You know it makes sense. What new Offices of State do you think would make a better Britain?
I'm oot.It's a bit like the old office of the Witchfinder General. Except that witchcraft isn't really a thing, and t
ts who dawdle down the road really slowly in front of me is. The officeholder should be about 6'5", wear a long black coat, a top hat and a big pair of hobnailed, steel toe capped winkle pickers. Duties will primarily involve patrolling central London to look for the likes of self absorbed w
ksplats looking at their phones while perambulating at 1 mph and gawping tourists dawldling en famille and line abreast - especially the ones who stop to take selfies at strategic choke points - and on finding the miscreants, giving them a solid punt up the pineapple fritter.You know it makes sense. What new Offices of State do you think would make a better Britain?
(PS good to see you ain't dead)
Edited by Shaw Tarse on Monday 26th March 11:21
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