Regrets of an only child
Discussion
Sorry for a self-indulgent post. I could really just do with some people saying cheer up, mate.
I'm an only child. My parents weren't that young when I was born and apparently tries for more kids after me didn't work out.
I only had my own children relatively late in my life.
Now my parents are quite old, my kids are quite young... at the age when you forget a lot of what you experience once you grow up.
I'm facing losing both my parents before too long. My mother has been in and out of hospital for the last year.
I really wish I a had a brother or sister to share the burden. I wish I'd had my own kids earlier so that my parents could have spent more time with them and so that they would have more memory of my parents. As it is, most of the memory of my parents will go with me.
I'm an only child. My parents weren't that young when I was born and apparently tries for more kids after me didn't work out.
I only had my own children relatively late in my life.
Now my parents are quite old, my kids are quite young... at the age when you forget a lot of what you experience once you grow up.
I'm facing losing both my parents before too long. My mother has been in and out of hospital for the last year.
I really wish I a had a brother or sister to share the burden. I wish I'd had my own kids earlier so that my parents could have spent more time with them and so that they would have more memory of my parents. As it is, most of the memory of my parents will go with me.
Edited by creampuff on Saturday 16th June 16:07
The grass is always greener on the other side.
SWMBO's an only child. She often has your view of it.
I have a brother - yet I've had to deal with the last two and a bit years of dad's illness and death without any help from him, despite dad's place being a 7hr round trip for me, and a 10 mile round trip from my brother's office. My mother lives half an hour from me, so 7hrs from my brother, and I think we all know which way that's going to go...
We have several friends with elderly and ailing parents - and very, very few of them will have any kind of equal split of effort from siblings. Most of them have at least one sib who simply cannot be arsed to be involved, but you can bet they'll expect their share of any inheritance.
SWMBO's an only child. She often has your view of it.
I have a brother - yet I've had to deal with the last two and a bit years of dad's illness and death without any help from him, despite dad's place being a 7hr round trip for me, and a 10 mile round trip from my brother's office. My mother lives half an hour from me, so 7hrs from my brother, and I think we all know which way that's going to go...
We have several friends with elderly and ailing parents - and very, very few of them will have any kind of equal split of effort from siblings. Most of them have at least one sib who simply cannot be arsed to be involved, but you can bet they'll expect their share of any inheritance.
I am an only child also, my parents had me in their late 20s/early 30s but couldn't have any more children due to my mum's ill health (she's ok now though!).
Sadly I lost my dad when I was 23 and he was 52 due having MS for a very long time. He never did get to meet either of my children who are 6 months and 4 years old but my mum is very close.
All you can do is make the most of what you have and cherish the time you do get with parents and children.
Sadly I lost my dad when I was 23 and he was 52 due having MS for a very long time. He never did get to meet either of my children who are 6 months and 4 years old but my mum is very close.
All you can do is make the most of what you have and cherish the time you do get with parents and children.
Another only child here.
I longed for another sibling to share the burden when my mother was terminally ill a few years ago, but had seen what happened with my wife (who was one of five...) and the debacle which unfolded when her mother was dying. She shouldered almost all of the responsibility, work, arrangements and grieving whilst some of her family did absolutely sweet fanny-adams.
The grass is always greener syndrome, I guess.
OP - I think that, on balance, as well as an understanding OH, you're probably better off with a good mate in the pub when needed; I had one and he was a star.
I longed for another sibling to share the burden when my mother was terminally ill a few years ago, but had seen what happened with my wife (who was one of five...) and the debacle which unfolded when her mother was dying. She shouldered almost all of the responsibility, work, arrangements and grieving whilst some of her family did absolutely sweet fanny-adams.
The grass is always greener syndrome, I guess.
OP - I think that, on balance, as well as an understanding OH, you're probably better off with a good mate in the pub when needed; I had one and he was a star.
Cold said:
I have two older siblings. Haven't seen either of them for almost twenty years. Brothers and sisters are overrated. 
Yup. I've a brother who I've nothing to do with. Not for lack of effort on my part, but there you go.Chin up, OP. You can only play the card you're dealt. Your kids may not remember your parents, but remember that you're their whole world.👍
As others have said, don't be thinking that having brothers and sisters means you wouldn't be left to it with older parents care. My wife has dealt with 90% of her mothers dementia care and illness over the last couple of years despite having 2 brothers and a sister. Speaking to others, this seems pretty common.
Dinoboy said:
As others have said, don't be thinking that having brothers and sisters means you wouldn't be left to it with older parents care. My wife has dealt with 90% of her mothers dementia care and illness over the last couple of years despite having 2 brothers and a sister. Speaking to others, this seems pretty common.
Indeed. In the main it seems one person always takes the lead.. My wife is an only child and we will be dealing with her parents. I have siblings, and we will be dealing with my parents........
I have 2 brothers but it is my youngest brother that tends to deal with more than his fair share of family problems like ill health and deaths.
He doesn't have kids and has a proper job that allows him time off so he makes it easy for the rest of us.
I do thank him for that from time to time.
Guess that doesn't help you OP but I'm just in agreement with others that it seems the burden isn't shared.
Just giving the viewpoint of the one avoiding the burden
He doesn't have kids and has a proper job that allows him time off so he makes it easy for the rest of us.
I do thank him for that from time to time.
Guess that doesn't help you OP but I'm just in agreement with others that it seems the burden isn't shared.
Just giving the viewpoint of the one avoiding the burden
Double edged sword. I have a sister, a half brother and a half sister.
Sister I get on with ok - been to see her today actually - we have a laugh.
Half brother is a dick and we don't speak. If I never saw him again, it's be no great loss.
Don't really speak to my half sister either - we have never really bothered with each other and are completely disinterested in each others lives. Must be 10 years since I last saw her.
Sister I get on with ok - been to see her today actually - we have a laugh.
Half brother is a dick and we don't speak. If I never saw him again, it's be no great loss.
Don't really speak to my half sister either - we have never really bothered with each other and are completely disinterested in each others lives. Must be 10 years since I last saw her.
I have 3 half sisters - and no brothers.
I didn't grow up with them, but I saw them often enough, so suppose that could be called being raised as an only child.
I get on with one really well, the other, meh, the last, not at all.
I'm lucky - I hate people, my best mate growing up had a brother and he was a little s
t most of the time.
I didn't grow up with them, but I saw them often enough, so suppose that could be called being raised as an only child.
I get on with one really well, the other, meh, the last, not at all.
I'm lucky - I hate people, my best mate growing up had a brother and he was a little s
t most of the time. I have a sister, 4 years older than me. There were no massive fallings out but once we both left parents house (her at 18 and me at 19) we had no good reason to keep in touch. Had nothing in common etc. See her at Xmas some years but that's it. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Although the relationship with my dad is similar, so maybe it's just me!
So from my own experience, siblings are overrated. I currently have 1 son and my other half wants another one to 'avoid him being an only child'. I do not want another one because we can't afford it, I want my life back and another one is just unnecessary.
So from my own experience, siblings are overrated. I currently have 1 son and my other half wants another one to 'avoid him being an only child'. I do not want another one because we can't afford it, I want my life back and another one is just unnecessary.
I’m in a similar position I’m 27 with a 2 year old my Dad is 71 hopefully he will be around long enough for my son to remember him. I would love my dad to see him turn 18 so he can drive but time is against him but you never know. My dad in many ways is my best friend and a big inspiration to me I really worry about how I will cope when he dies.
As far as sort of thing goes it could always be worse my mates Dad died 2 weeks ago of cancer early 50s ex professional athlete still in great shape no reason he shouldn’t have lived a long life just unlucky. His first grand child was born 4 days later it’s broken His whole families hearts that he never met his grand child.
Some time is always better than non at all if in doubt get lots of pics and vids that’s what me and my wife are doing with all grand parents and parents.
As far as sort of thing goes it could always be worse my mates Dad died 2 weeks ago of cancer early 50s ex professional athlete still in great shape no reason he shouldn’t have lived a long life just unlucky. His first grand child was born 4 days later it’s broken His whole families hearts that he never met his grand child.
Some time is always better than non at all if in doubt get lots of pics and vids that’s what me and my wife are doing with all grand parents and parents.
I have a sister, but I may as well not.
My parents were older than 'normal'. When I was engaged (the first time), my future MIL celebrated a birthday, at which point she became the same age that my mum had been when I was born.
My dad died 15 years ago, and we lost my mum four summers back. The stuff my sister put me through, with accusations of collusion with lawyers, suggesting my wife had stolen some of my mum's stuff, and repeated threats meant that I wished I'd been an only child.
I have struggled with my mum's sudden loss a bit, and I've had no support from 'blood' relations whatsoever. I do have a supportive wife, and good friends, but with no kids of my own, the family line ends with me.
Don't stress about your children having had a different relationship with your folks. I take a great deal of comfort from the fact that I have memories of both my parents that nobody shares any more. Those are mine, and they are precious.
It's a shame that my sister destroyed her relatonship with her only brother at the same time that we lost our mum, but (apologies for the cliché) life does go on. Your parents have been, and continue to be a significant part of your life, and the best bits of them are present in you. That's the legacy that they will leave behind.
My parents were older than 'normal'. When I was engaged (the first time), my future MIL celebrated a birthday, at which point she became the same age that my mum had been when I was born.
My dad died 15 years ago, and we lost my mum four summers back. The stuff my sister put me through, with accusations of collusion with lawyers, suggesting my wife had stolen some of my mum's stuff, and repeated threats meant that I wished I'd been an only child.
I have struggled with my mum's sudden loss a bit, and I've had no support from 'blood' relations whatsoever. I do have a supportive wife, and good friends, but with no kids of my own, the family line ends with me.
Don't stress about your children having had a different relationship with your folks. I take a great deal of comfort from the fact that I have memories of both my parents that nobody shares any more. Those are mine, and they are precious.
It's a shame that my sister destroyed her relatonship with her only brother at the same time that we lost our mum, but (apologies for the cliché) life does go on. Your parents have been, and continue to be a significant part of your life, and the best bits of them are present in you. That's the legacy that they will leave behind.
Only child. Older parents, dead. Dad when i was 36, Mum when i was 41.
Good points of being an only child:
A really close relationship with my parents.
Happy in my own company.
Not shy - if i wanted playmates or company i had to make friends.
No sibling arguments.
No sibling to measure success or failure by.
Bad points of being an only child:
Responsiblity of being the eldest, and youngest child.
Tendency to think of myself rather than others.
No-one to share childhood memories with. No-one who was there.
No sibling to put in the frame for misdemeanors. If the wallpaper gets torn or a window is smashed they know its down to you.
I honestly don't know how i would have coped with my parents' deaths had it not been for my wife. I don't knew what it would have been like without her and my in-laws suppirt and love. They made it easy to cope.
The toughest time was after my Dad died. My mother became quute horrible towards me at times. Her family didn't help matters and i often felt i was suffering for my father's "sins". They could be very critical of him and i seemed to get it when he died. Like him i am good at defending myself but at times it would have been good to have had a brother so we could have both told them to get to fk.
On going through family papers after their death i discovered my folks came fairly close to adopting a little girl from Hong Kong about five years before i was born. My mum decided against it as she was concerned people in mid-1960s Northumberland, where we lived may be racist towards her. Reading the papers made me sad. To think i could have had a big sister. I'd have liked that.
Still my sister in law - my wife's younger sister - is like a little sister to me. Her little daughter calls me "uncle". So I've not missed out there.
One other positive. Having seen siblings torn apart in rows over who gets what when parents die, i had none of that. It all came to me and it it enabled me to make a big life decision which i was only able to make thanks to their generosity and love.
All in all. I'd not change anything if I could.
Good points of being an only child:
A really close relationship with my parents.
Happy in my own company.
Not shy - if i wanted playmates or company i had to make friends.
No sibling arguments.
No sibling to measure success or failure by.
Bad points of being an only child:
Responsiblity of being the eldest, and youngest child.
Tendency to think of myself rather than others.
No-one to share childhood memories with. No-one who was there.
No sibling to put in the frame for misdemeanors. If the wallpaper gets torn or a window is smashed they know its down to you.
I honestly don't know how i would have coped with my parents' deaths had it not been for my wife. I don't knew what it would have been like without her and my in-laws suppirt and love. They made it easy to cope.
The toughest time was after my Dad died. My mother became quute horrible towards me at times. Her family didn't help matters and i often felt i was suffering for my father's "sins". They could be very critical of him and i seemed to get it when he died. Like him i am good at defending myself but at times it would have been good to have had a brother so we could have both told them to get to f
k.On going through family papers after their death i discovered my folks came fairly close to adopting a little girl from Hong Kong about five years before i was born. My mum decided against it as she was concerned people in mid-1960s Northumberland, where we lived may be racist towards her. Reading the papers made me sad. To think i could have had a big sister. I'd have liked that.
Still my sister in law - my wife's younger sister - is like a little sister to me. Her little daughter calls me "uncle". So I've not missed out there.
One other positive. Having seen siblings torn apart in rows over who gets what when parents die, i had none of that. It all came to me and it it enabled me to make a big life decision which i was only able to make thanks to their generosity and love.
All in all. I'd not change anything if I could.
Edited by Wildcat45 on Sunday 17th June 03:38
OP, I feel a lot like you somedays, so cheer up mate! 
I'm 50 now, have four children from two different relationships (26, 22 and twins of 17) and the 22-year-old has presented me with a grandson two months ago. My mum died in 1992, I never knew my dad at all and the last grandparent I knew died in 1988. None of my children have living grandparents either.
I grew up as an only child and have made my own way in the world. Made some really poor decisions in life which would maybe have been lessened by either my parents living longer or having a brother or sister around. It is what it is, it's too late to correct my childhood now so I/we have to live with it. Just tell your kids as much as you can about their gran and grandad and take them to see them - I never could so didn't have the chance.
In a plot twist of sorts, I have found out in the past three months that I have two half-siblings that my Mum got adopted before I was born. Steps are being taken to look at the possibility of meeting one of them as I have a DOB and birth certificate but nothing may come of it. It's just me trying to claim a bit of my past back for me, I guess.
Keep your chin up, OP. You sound like a decent sort and don't fret over what you can't change.
I'm 50 now, have four children from two different relationships (26, 22 and twins of 17) and the 22-year-old has presented me with a grandson two months ago. My mum died in 1992, I never knew my dad at all and the last grandparent I knew died in 1988. None of my children have living grandparents either.
I grew up as an only child and have made my own way in the world. Made some really poor decisions in life which would maybe have been lessened by either my parents living longer or having a brother or sister around. It is what it is, it's too late to correct my childhood now so I/we have to live with it. Just tell your kids as much as you can about their gran and grandad and take them to see them - I never could so didn't have the chance.
In a plot twist of sorts, I have found out in the past three months that I have two half-siblings that my Mum got adopted before I was born. Steps are being taken to look at the possibility of meeting one of them as I have a DOB and birth certificate but nothing may come of it. It's just me trying to claim a bit of my past back for me, I guess.
Keep your chin up, OP. You sound like a decent sort and don't fret over what you can't change.
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