Moody teenager
Discussion
Okay, so I'm sure it's been done before, and I'm sure I'm not alone. But I need some help and advice please.
Background: I got married in 2000 to his mother. He came along at the end of 2003 (he's coming up to 15 now). His mother was a dreadful alcoholic. Suffice to say he had no respect or time for her. I'm not sure hated her would be too strong here. Consequently he was always polite and respectful to me, looked up to me to look after him, etc. Anyway, in 2015 it all became too much trying to stay with the mother, the not knowing how or when or why the drunken disruption would manifest itself. Anyone who has lived with, had experience of, or is a reformed alcoholic will understand where i'm coming from here. So we split up. Reasonably amicably and agreed an informal joint custody of our son. This lasted for all of about four weeks. He hated being with her, wouldn't speak to her, treated her with contempt, etc. I was living with my new girlfriend at the time (not the reason for the split, nothing at all was going on before the split) who he got on extremely well with. Really well. Better than I could possibly have hoped. Anyway, one night he rings me from his mother's house at about 11pm, locked himself in the bathroom, close to tears as his mother is blind drunk and threatening to kill him, me and my girlfriend. I am about 40 miles away and my girlfriend is home in bed asleep. So I call 999 and, long story short he's brought home to my place in a police car and has not spent any time with his mother since. Shortly after this episode he moved in with us permanently. His mother moved back to Northern Ireland and hasn't seen him since or made any effort to support him either financially (not that I need it) or pastoral way.
Here's the problem, he's doing well at school, really well. He goes to a private school and has done since he was six. There appears to be no problems at all at school, he's doing DoE, Ten Tors and is very active in the Combined Cadet Force. But he's talking to me like dirt, no respect, argumentative to the point where I'm at my wits end. If he's sat down and spoken to, he claims there's nothing in the background bothering him, he is almost like he doesn't realise he's doing it. He is well looked after, he works for me every Sunday morning 0800-1500 for which he's paid £50 into his bank, he can buy pretty much whatever he likes with that, from xBox games to clothes. He doesn't speak to my girlfriend (still the same one) like it, he treats her with respect, always says please and thank you, but me, I'm like his servant. He shuts me down when talking, talking to me like dirt, talking like I'm worthless. And has a dreadful sense of entitlement, which I think is nurtured by the Felicitys and Tarquins at school. Not that we have ever brought him up like that.
So, is it me? Is it standard teenager?
Grounding him works for so long, but is not really a long term solution, and sitting him down and talking to him gets the standard eye rolling.
Background: I got married in 2000 to his mother. He came along at the end of 2003 (he's coming up to 15 now). His mother was a dreadful alcoholic. Suffice to say he had no respect or time for her. I'm not sure hated her would be too strong here. Consequently he was always polite and respectful to me, looked up to me to look after him, etc. Anyway, in 2015 it all became too much trying to stay with the mother, the not knowing how or when or why the drunken disruption would manifest itself. Anyone who has lived with, had experience of, or is a reformed alcoholic will understand where i'm coming from here. So we split up. Reasonably amicably and agreed an informal joint custody of our son. This lasted for all of about four weeks. He hated being with her, wouldn't speak to her, treated her with contempt, etc. I was living with my new girlfriend at the time (not the reason for the split, nothing at all was going on before the split) who he got on extremely well with. Really well. Better than I could possibly have hoped. Anyway, one night he rings me from his mother's house at about 11pm, locked himself in the bathroom, close to tears as his mother is blind drunk and threatening to kill him, me and my girlfriend. I am about 40 miles away and my girlfriend is home in bed asleep. So I call 999 and, long story short he's brought home to my place in a police car and has not spent any time with his mother since. Shortly after this episode he moved in with us permanently. His mother moved back to Northern Ireland and hasn't seen him since or made any effort to support him either financially (not that I need it) or pastoral way.
Here's the problem, he's doing well at school, really well. He goes to a private school and has done since he was six. There appears to be no problems at all at school, he's doing DoE, Ten Tors and is very active in the Combined Cadet Force. But he's talking to me like dirt, no respect, argumentative to the point where I'm at my wits end. If he's sat down and spoken to, he claims there's nothing in the background bothering him, he is almost like he doesn't realise he's doing it. He is well looked after, he works for me every Sunday morning 0800-1500 for which he's paid £50 into his bank, he can buy pretty much whatever he likes with that, from xBox games to clothes. He doesn't speak to my girlfriend (still the same one) like it, he treats her with respect, always says please and thank you, but me, I'm like his servant. He shuts me down when talking, talking to me like dirt, talking like I'm worthless. And has a dreadful sense of entitlement, which I think is nurtured by the Felicitys and Tarquins at school. Not that we have ever brought him up like that.
So, is it me? Is it standard teenager?
Grounding him works for so long, but is not really a long term solution, and sitting him down and talking to him gets the standard eye rolling.
Does sound difficult, but certainly within the standard teenager range.
It's easy to make excuses for history, but I have friends with horrific backgrounds who have always been charming, and those with great background who have been difficult.
My brother and I were close throughout our childhoods and he was a bit of a tearaway as a teen. Re the entitlement thing... We had to do the household chores if we wanted pocket money, summer jobs if we wanted anything extra and jobs if we wanted a lift somewhere. Not sure if there is any other way of approaching this.
It's easy to make excuses for history, but I have friends with horrific backgrounds who have always been charming, and those with great background who have been difficult.
My brother and I were close throughout our childhoods and he was a bit of a tearaway as a teen. Re the entitlement thing... We had to do the household chores if we wanted pocket money, summer jobs if we wanted anything extra and jobs if we wanted a lift somewhere. Not sure if there is any other way of approaching this.
Could be being a standard teenager, could be having issues dealing with the fact his mum has put no effort in, either consciously or sub-consciously which he is then taking out on you.
Getting a 15 year old to talk about stuff like that though is easier said than done,
Maybe a bit of father and son time, camping or the like, let the conversation drift naturally towards potential issues rather than sitting him down and forcing a convo about potential issues.
Getting a 15 year old to talk about stuff like that though is easier said than done,
Maybe a bit of father and son time, camping or the like, let the conversation drift naturally towards potential issues rather than sitting him down and forcing a convo about potential issues.
Tyre Smoke said:
Okay, so I'm sure it's been done before, and I'm sure I'm not alone. But I need some help and advice please.
Background: I got married in 2000 to his mother. He came along at the end of 2003 (he's coming up to 15 now). His mother was a dreadful alcoholic. Suffice to say he had no respect or time for her. I'm not sure hated her would be too strong here. Consequently he was always polite and respectful to me, looked up to me to look after him, etc. Anyway, in 2015 it all became too much trying to stay with the mother, the not knowing how or when or why the drunken disruption would manifest itself. Anyone who has lived with, had experience of, or is a reformed alcoholic will understand where i'm coming from here. So we split up. Reasonably amicably and agreed an informal joint custody of our son. This lasted for all of about four weeks. He hated being with her, wouldn't speak to her, treated her with contempt, etc. I was living with my new girlfriend at the time (not the reason for the split, nothing at all was going on before the split) who he got on extremely well with. Really well. Better than I could possibly have hoped. Anyway, one night he rings me from his mother's house at about 11pm, locked himself in the bathroom, close to tears as his mother is blind drunk and threatening to kill him, me and my girlfriend. I am about 40 miles away and my girlfriend is home in bed asleep. So I call 999 and, long story short he's brought home to my place in a police car and has not spent any time with his mother since. Shortly after this episode he moved in with us permanently. His mother moved back to Northern Ireland and hasn't seen him since or made any effort to support him either financially (not that I need it) or pastoral way.
Here's the problem, he's doing well at school, really well. He goes to a private school and has done since he was six. There appears to be no problems at all at school, he's doing DoE, Ten Tors and is very active in the Combined Cadet Force. But he's talking to me like dirt, no respect, argumentative to the point where I'm at my wits end. If he's sat down and spoken to, he claims there's nothing in the background bothering him, he is almost like he doesn't realise he's doing it. He is well looked after, he works for me every Sunday morning 0800-1500 for which he's paid £50 into his bank, he can buy pretty much whatever he likes with that, from xBox games to clothes. He doesn't speak to my girlfriend (still the same one) like it, he treats her with respect, always says please and thank you, but me, I'm like his servant. He shuts me down when talking, talking to me like dirt, talking like I'm worthless. And has a dreadful sense of entitlement, which I think is nurtured by the Felicitys and Tarquins at school. Not that we have ever brought him up like that.
So, is it me? Is it standard teenager?
Grounding him works for so long, but is not really a long term solution, and sitting him down and talking to him gets the standard eye rolling.
Pretty standard to varying degrees, this is how some teenagers assert their independence.Background: I got married in 2000 to his mother. He came along at the end of 2003 (he's coming up to 15 now). His mother was a dreadful alcoholic. Suffice to say he had no respect or time for her. I'm not sure hated her would be too strong here. Consequently he was always polite and respectful to me, looked up to me to look after him, etc. Anyway, in 2015 it all became too much trying to stay with the mother, the not knowing how or when or why the drunken disruption would manifest itself. Anyone who has lived with, had experience of, or is a reformed alcoholic will understand where i'm coming from here. So we split up. Reasonably amicably and agreed an informal joint custody of our son. This lasted for all of about four weeks. He hated being with her, wouldn't speak to her, treated her with contempt, etc. I was living with my new girlfriend at the time (not the reason for the split, nothing at all was going on before the split) who he got on extremely well with. Really well. Better than I could possibly have hoped. Anyway, one night he rings me from his mother's house at about 11pm, locked himself in the bathroom, close to tears as his mother is blind drunk and threatening to kill him, me and my girlfriend. I am about 40 miles away and my girlfriend is home in bed asleep. So I call 999 and, long story short he's brought home to my place in a police car and has not spent any time with his mother since. Shortly after this episode he moved in with us permanently. His mother moved back to Northern Ireland and hasn't seen him since or made any effort to support him either financially (not that I need it) or pastoral way.
Here's the problem, he's doing well at school, really well. He goes to a private school and has done since he was six. There appears to be no problems at all at school, he's doing DoE, Ten Tors and is very active in the Combined Cadet Force. But he's talking to me like dirt, no respect, argumentative to the point where I'm at my wits end. If he's sat down and spoken to, he claims there's nothing in the background bothering him, he is almost like he doesn't realise he's doing it. He is well looked after, he works for me every Sunday morning 0800-1500 for which he's paid £50 into his bank, he can buy pretty much whatever he likes with that, from xBox games to clothes. He doesn't speak to my girlfriend (still the same one) like it, he treats her with respect, always says please and thank you, but me, I'm like his servant. He shuts me down when talking, talking to me like dirt, talking like I'm worthless. And has a dreadful sense of entitlement, which I think is nurtured by the Felicitys and Tarquins at school. Not that we have ever brought him up like that.
So, is it me? Is it standard teenager?
Grounding him works for so long, but is not really a long term solution, and sitting him down and talking to him gets the standard eye rolling.
I'd say pick your battles wisely, some will be worth going into battle with him over, some won't.
He sounds like he's been well bought up, he'll grow out of it.
Do you talk with him about his mother at all? Is he possibly in contact with her without your knowledge?
What is his social circle like? My daughter has a best friend who is exceptionally polite and well mannered - surprisingly so - almost disconcerting! However after the friend has left our place and showered us with genuine thank you for having me etc, we (me & the Mrs) always mention how polite the friend was - it is starting to rub off on our daughter who this week has started thanking mum for dinner!!
Are you consistent with rules etc? My daughter is 11 - and we get similar - but it comes in fits and starts. We struggle to remain consistent but try to - and we think it is her growing up, establishing her own boundaries and pushing ours! However both me and the wife can be quite short tempered when daughter is playing up - takes a while to realise that but now we have, we can start making a proper effort to avoid confrontation but still be firm.
I was given some advice which did work well - identify an issue you have with him - and at some time when you are getting on, ask him for his advice about this same problem that is happening to a colleague of yours. Therefore making the issue about someone else and not about him. We did this with our daughter and she really engaged with us.
Just a couple of tips that might be adaptable for you.
What is his social circle like? My daughter has a best friend who is exceptionally polite and well mannered - surprisingly so - almost disconcerting! However after the friend has left our place and showered us with genuine thank you for having me etc, we (me & the Mrs) always mention how polite the friend was - it is starting to rub off on our daughter who this week has started thanking mum for dinner!!
Are you consistent with rules etc? My daughter is 11 - and we get similar - but it comes in fits and starts. We struggle to remain consistent but try to - and we think it is her growing up, establishing her own boundaries and pushing ours! However both me and the wife can be quite short tempered when daughter is playing up - takes a while to realise that but now we have, we can start making a proper effort to avoid confrontation but still be firm.
I was given some advice which did work well - identify an issue you have with him - and at some time when you are getting on, ask him for his advice about this same problem that is happening to a colleague of yours. Therefore making the issue about someone else and not about him. We did this with our daughter and she really engaged with us.
Just a couple of tips that might be adaptable for you.
The Moose said:
This might be off topic, but married for 15 years. You then split from your wife and within 4 weeks are not just seeing, but living with another girl.
Did I read that correctly?
You did, but it wasn't quite like that.Did I read that correctly?
We both knew my partner for some considerable time before the split, it was clear we all got along really well and made a very good threesome. There was nothing other than a platonic relationship until after the split, and then it was discussed at length with him beforehand. He was, and is, happy with the situation. As far as we know.
He has and we do talk about his mother. He is not complimentary or polite about her and clearly he feels she has let him down in his formative years.
He and I do a lot of stuff together, go to football, have a forty minute journey to school (and back) where it is just him and me. He knows he's not allowed on his xbox except weekends, he works each Sunday to earn his money and to be fair he does a good job. He's generally very mature for his age, is comfortable in adult company and can hold a conversation and be quite witty when he engages.
The derision and rudeness to me is becoming very wearing, especially as I have done so much for him and his mother contributes absolutely zero. It was a bit rough after we split in that he had the trauma of the time he spent with his mother, and for a short period it looked like he might have to leave the school and join state education, but sacrifices were made (are being made) and he now has a great home in the countryside, his own bedroom and 'games' room as much space as he wants and is in a loving family environment.
The reason for this thread, apart from the advice - gratefully received - is we are due to go to Antigua next week and don't want this to continue and ruin the holiday we all have been looking forward to.
Easier said than done, but ask him why he treats you like this? If he denies it give him concrete examples.
If he still can't / won't tell you, explain how it makes you feel so you have no choice but to give him some notice that if it doesn't improve within a week there will be consequences. (and stick to it)
If it does improve, then notice it and tell him.
If he still can't / won't tell you, explain how it makes you feel so you have no choice but to give him some notice that if it doesn't improve within a week there will be consequences. (and stick to it)
If it does improve, then notice it and tell him.
The reason it flagged to me is that at 14/15 he’ll be finding out more about sex at school and will probably find it hard to believe that you and your new partner were not involved before the split. Hell, I did and I have no skin in the game!
All I wondered is if he blames you (not necessarily correctly) for his mother’s situation.
Obviously, I was never a little
growing up (ha!). I remember one time seeing my little sister being a right bh towards my dad. Really unpleasant. He and I went out in the car after and I recall saying “I’m impressed - I don’t know how you take being spoken to like that and still try to help and do what you can for her”. My dads response was along the lines of “that’s what you do as a father. As hard or as hurtful it is, you always go back for more - that’s fatherly love. And maybe, one day, it’ll change”.
As I’m on the verge of becoming a dad now too, I think that over in my mind and hope I can be as patient.
I suspect it’s just a phase - just being a stty teenager. You could try recording him speaking to your partner and you and then play it back to him. Ultimately, however, it’ll have to change on his terms not yours.
Good luck!
All I wondered is if he blames you (not necessarily correctly) for his mother’s situation.
Obviously, I was never a little
growing up (ha!). I remember one time seeing my little sister being a right bh towards my dad. Really unpleasant. He and I went out in the car after and I recall saying “I’m impressed - I don’t know how you take being spoken to like that and still try to help and do what you can for her”. My dads response was along the lines of “that’s what you do as a father. As hard or as hurtful it is, you always go back for more - that’s fatherly love. And maybe, one day, it’ll change”.As I’m on the verge of becoming a dad now too, I think that over in my mind and hope I can be as patient.
I suspect it’s just a phase - just being a s
tty teenager. You could try recording him speaking to your partner and you and then play it back to him. Ultimately, however, it’ll have to change on his terms not yours.Good luck!
Id say fairly standard. Although..... Has he seen your "bad" side? Apart from grounding him what other punishments are handed out? Remember when you were 15? You thought you were the fking man. No one could tell you or teach you anything.
Id say theres a chance he's had it too easy with you.
king man. No one could tell you or teach you anything.Id say theres a chance he's had it too easy with you.
Probably fairly standard teenager stuff.
There are underlying reasons but you'll never get it out of him by force.
He hasn't had an easy time of it, probably subconsciously blames himself for his Mum's troubles, probably feels some kind of inadequacy or failure somewhere...
He probably doesn't understand why he acts that way himself
He'll probably open up once he's in his 20s and has enjoyed some independence / life experience.
There are underlying reasons but you'll never get it out of him by force.
He hasn't had an easy time of it, probably subconsciously blames himself for his Mum's troubles, probably feels some kind of inadequacy or failure somewhere...
He probably doesn't understand why he acts that way himself
He'll probably open up once he's in his 20s and has enjoyed some independence / life experience.
The best advice I can give you, is don't go to any awful Sandals type resort in Antigua.
they're ram packed with people all giving it large on all inclusives. we drove on/off one just for a laugh to see what they were like.
find a nice stand alone hotel, hire a jeep and visit one of the 365 isolated beaches. go to local restaurants on a night.
we could pick any one of dozens of beaches and be alone all day. you can have a lot of fun, all day long, together, alone on a white sand beach and sea as warm as your bathtub
venture far from the tiny capital and the madness of cruise ship moron's, walk and wander about- it all felt fine and safe.
they're ram packed with people all giving it large on all inclusives. we drove on/off one just for a laugh to see what they were like.
find a nice stand alone hotel, hire a jeep and visit one of the 365 isolated beaches. go to local restaurants on a night.
we could pick any one of dozens of beaches and be alone all day. you can have a lot of fun, all day long, together, alone on a white sand beach and sea as warm as your bathtub
venture far from the tiny capital and the madness of cruise ship moron's, walk and wander about- it all felt fine and safe.
I have two of the little blighters, both boys ages 14 and 15. Their Mother fked off 2 years ago but I agreed to 50/50. Both brought up identically, and they have a twin like relationship with eachother, likely due to the small age gap.
They took Mum leaving surprisingly well, to the extent I have kept a really close eye on their behaviour since, and they're doing well, I think.
I booked the last week of the school hols off, rented a Transit van and chucked camping gear and mountain bikes in it, and the three of us did the North Coast 500, mainly wild camping but a hotel stay in the middle as a treat. We had loads of fun, did some cool boys stuff and chatted all the way around the Highlands.
I think its not a case of addressing teenage behaviour issues when they appear, but maintaining your relationship with your child/ren to try and make sure it doesn't occur in the first place. I've tried not to step off the gas, which has been difficult when I see them on a 50/50 basis - but I can still arrange weekends (took them to Reading festival in 2017) and school hol weeks and make sure the kids realise you are doing it for their benefit.
O/P - Hang out with your son on your holiday, have fun with him, take him out of his comfort zone with holiday activities, buy him a bottle of beer with his dinner and make sure you treat him like an adult. Hope you have a good time.
ked off 2 years ago but I agreed to 50/50. Both brought up identically, and they have a twin like relationship with eachother, likely due to the small age gap. They took Mum leaving surprisingly well, to the extent I have kept a really close eye on their behaviour since, and they're doing well, I think.
I booked the last week of the school hols off, rented a Transit van and chucked camping gear and mountain bikes in it, and the three of us did the North Coast 500, mainly wild camping but a hotel stay in the middle as a treat. We had loads of fun, did some cool boys stuff and chatted all the way around the Highlands.
I think its not a case of addressing teenage behaviour issues when they appear, but maintaining your relationship with your child/ren to try and make sure it doesn't occur in the first place. I've tried not to step off the gas, which has been difficult when I see them on a 50/50 basis - but I can still arrange weekends (took them to Reading festival in 2017) and school hol weeks and make sure the kids realise you are doing it for their benefit.
O/P - Hang out with your son on your holiday, have fun with him, take him out of his comfort zone with holiday activities, buy him a bottle of beer with his dinner and make sure you treat him like an adult. Hope you have a good time.
Has he told you that freedom of speech is one of his human rights yet? If not, he will.
They get all sorts of stuff from the internet into their heads. If it's only what you perceive to be lack of respect, then if it was me I would grow an extra layer of thicker skin, point out at appropriate times why it is wrong to behave that way, and wait for him to grow out of it. He will. It's a difficult time for growing boys in the new world that we live in.
They get all sorts of stuff from the internet into their heads. If it's only what you perceive to be lack of respect, then if it was me I would grow an extra layer of thicker skin, point out at appropriate times why it is wrong to behave that way, and wait for him to grow out of it. He will. It's a difficult time for growing boys in the new world that we live in.
Tyre Smoke said:
The reason for this thread, apart from the advice - gratefully received - is we are due to go to Antigua next week and don't want this to continue and ruin the holiday we all have been looking forward to.
You want your teenager fixed this week?Sorry but a bolt to the head may be the only option
HustleRussell said:
Tyre Smoke said:
The reason for this thread, apart from the advice - gratefully received - is we are due to go to Antigua next week and don't want this to continue and ruin the holiday we all have been looking forward to.
You want your teenager fixed this week?Sorry but a bolt to the head may be the only option
No, you nana! I wanted some advice on sorting this out.
First thing is going to be a no holds barred, calm talk this evening and hopefully clear the air. All three of us involved.
austinsmirk said:
The best advice I can give you, is don't go to any awful Sandals type resort in Antigua.
they're ram packed with people all giving it large on all inclusives. we drove on/off one just for a laugh to see what they were like.
As he's taking the devil teen, they are not welcome at Sandals! The advantage of Sandals is of course no devil children allowed!they're ram packed with people all giving it large on all inclusives. we drove on/off one just for a laugh to see what they were like.
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