Selfish Scenarios
Discussion
In an attempt to get to as happy a place as possible, I am sure there are times where each of us think the other is more selfish. Right now my wife and I are at a bit of an impasse.
Setting the scene - Always had bikes before the kids came along and promised to stop riding while they were growing up. Kids are both in late teens and I decided to get a Ducati 888 as a restoration project. Yes I have spent a fair few £££'s on it, as I bring it back to its former glory, But as the only person bringing in a wage and having spent significantly to send the kids to school, really nice holidays and their various musical instruments (they are quite talented, so enjoying the output from their efforts), as well as ensuring my wife doesn't have to go back to work, my wife is panicking that I am going to kill myself on it, even though she know me when I had bikes and I am still here today. Also worth noting that my wife keeps the house in order and tight reins on the spending, so joint decisions are commonplace, such as refurbishing windows, buying my eldest a car and we will be buying my youngest one when she passes her test next year. I have good life insurance, income protection, critical illness protection and sensible pension plans.
I decided that, as I had a really good year in 2016, I would buy the Ducati 888 as a long term investment (it has been my dream bike since they came out). I am trying to bring it back to its factory fresh finish and doing as much work as I can myself. I intend for it to be ridden sparingly as I want to keep it looking wonderful, as well as maintaining its value, so it will be pampered more than ridden hard! The bike should be back together in the spring.
Questions
- Am I selfish for spending significant money something for myself and potentially putting my life at risk every time I get on the bike?
- Is my wife being selfish for wanting to make sure she keeps seeing the benefit of not having to consider going back to work by trying to stop me from having a bike at all, as that could cause life changing issues for us all, if something happened?
- Have any of you had similar scenarios and how have you moved past such a deadlock? (BTW - my wife is a keeper, so no marital changes will happen!)
Setting the scene - Always had bikes before the kids came along and promised to stop riding while they were growing up. Kids are both in late teens and I decided to get a Ducati 888 as a restoration project. Yes I have spent a fair few £££'s on it, as I bring it back to its former glory, But as the only person bringing in a wage and having spent significantly to send the kids to school, really nice holidays and their various musical instruments (they are quite talented, so enjoying the output from their efforts), as well as ensuring my wife doesn't have to go back to work, my wife is panicking that I am going to kill myself on it, even though she know me when I had bikes and I am still here today. Also worth noting that my wife keeps the house in order and tight reins on the spending, so joint decisions are commonplace, such as refurbishing windows, buying my eldest a car and we will be buying my youngest one when she passes her test next year. I have good life insurance, income protection, critical illness protection and sensible pension plans.
I decided that, as I had a really good year in 2016, I would buy the Ducati 888 as a long term investment (it has been my dream bike since they came out). I am trying to bring it back to its factory fresh finish and doing as much work as I can myself. I intend for it to be ridden sparingly as I want to keep it looking wonderful, as well as maintaining its value, so it will be pampered more than ridden hard! The bike should be back together in the spring.
Questions
- Am I selfish for spending significant money something for myself and potentially putting my life at risk every time I get on the bike?
- Is my wife being selfish for wanting to make sure she keeps seeing the benefit of not having to consider going back to work by trying to stop me from having a bike at all, as that could cause life changing issues for us all, if something happened?
- Have any of you had similar scenarios and how have you moved past such a deadlock? (BTW - my wife is a keeper, so no marital changes will happen!)
I don't think you're being selfish. Far from it, in fact. A selfish person would only look after themselves but you've clearly spent a long time looking after your wife's and kids' needs and so I wouldn't think it was unreasonable for you to invest in your own little project to keep you happy. That it involves riding a motorbike is really of no consequence.
bridgland said:
Yes I have spent a fair few £££'s on it, as I bring it back to its former glory, But as the only person bringing in a wage
That sounds pretty selfish. It's not relevant where the money comes from. Wife and I sound like we're in a similar position. We both worked before kids, and for a while she was the higher earner. But we always pooled our money. She gave up to raise kids and run house. And with joint agreement, she never went back. All money is joint money, and neither of us would spend more than about £100 on anything for ourselves without running it past the other. She at one point received an unexpected inheritance, and her first question was "what should we do with our money?". She never considered it her money.
I bought a Honda Fireblade with her reluctant agreement, and binned it about a year later! And injured myself in the process. Rebuilt it with bits off Ebay and sold it. She will not agree to me getting another one, which is fair enough.
She likes to have a nice car (I get a company car) but that's her only real big financial request for herself. Jewellery, handbags, etc don't interest her.
I don't think that me earning the money gives me a bigger say in how it gets spent.
It sounds to me as though anything beyond "I want a bike but my wife is worried I'll kill myself" is a complete red herring.
If you only want to use it occasionally, have you considered getting a trailer as well and only using it for track days?
I've never ridden a motorbike myself, so may be taking this from the wrong angle, but I'd look on it as follows:
1. If you're on a track, there's far, far less potential for some numpty to pull out in front of you or into you.
2. If the worst does happen on a track, decent leathers, gravel traps and long run off areas should add up to far less severe injuries than being t-boned by some plumb sack in a Chelsea tractor.
In addition to being safer, you'd also be able to put the costs saved on road tax & insurance towards the cost of the track days.
If you only want to use it occasionally, have you considered getting a trailer as well and only using it for track days?
I've never ridden a motorbike myself, so may be taking this from the wrong angle, but I'd look on it as follows:
1. If you're on a track, there's far, far less potential for some numpty to pull out in front of you or into you.
2. If the worst does happen on a track, decent leathers, gravel traps and long run off areas should add up to far less severe injuries than being t-boned by some plumb sack in a Chelsea tractor.
In addition to being safer, you'd also be able to put the costs saved on road tax & insurance towards the cost of the track days.
bridgland said:
In an attempt to get to as happy a place as possible, I am sure there are times where each of us think the other is more selfish. Right now my wife and I are at a bit of an impasse.
Setting the scene - Always had bikes before the kids came along and promised to stop riding while they were growing up. Kids are both in late teens and I decided to get a Ducati 888 as a restoration project. Yes I have spent a fair few £££'s on it, as I bring it back to its former glory, But as the only person bringing in a wage and having spent significantly to send the kids to school, really nice holidays and their various musical instruments (they are quite talented, so enjoying the output from their efforts), as well as ensuring my wife doesn't have to go back to work, my wife is panicking that I am going to kill myself on it, even though she know me when I had bikes and I am still here today. Also worth noting that my wife keeps the house in order and tight reins on the spending, so joint decisions are commonplace, such as refurbishing windows, buying my eldest a car and we will be buying my youngest one when she passes her test next year. I have good life insurance, income protection, critical illness protection and sensible pension plans.
I decided that, as I had a really good year in 2016, I would buy the Ducati 888 as a long term investment (it has been my dream bike since they came out). I am trying to bring it back to its factory fresh finish and doing as much work as I can myself. I intend for it to be ridden sparingly as I want to keep it looking wonderful, as well as maintaining its value, so it will be pampered more than ridden hard! The bike should be back together in the spring.
Questions
- Am I selfish for spending significant money something for myself and potentially putting my life at risk every time I get on the bike?
- Is my wife being selfish for wanting to make sure she keeps seeing the benefit of not having to consider going back to work by trying to stop me from having a bike at all, as that could cause life changing issues for us all, if something happened?
- Have any of you had similar scenarios and how have you moved past such a deadlock? (BTW - my wife is a keeper, so no marital changes will happen!)
The only relevant bit to this tale is the bit I've highlighted. You've upheld your side of the 'deal' so to speak, and she knew you loved your bikes when you first met so unless you made some promise to her that you would permanently give up riding and all things bike related she is the one being unreasonable by trying to change you into someone you don't want to be. Time for you to put your foot down and either tell her to STFU about it and get over it or show her the door. As the other chaps have said above - life is for living, what if you got knocked down by a bus, etc. I do think you're going to be in for a tough time as once they get some stupid idea in their heads they won't let it go regardless of how much reasoning you try to do with them or get them to see it from your POV.Setting the scene - Always had bikes before the kids came along and promised to stop riding while they were growing up. Kids are both in late teens and I decided to get a Ducati 888 as a restoration project. Yes I have spent a fair few £££'s on it, as I bring it back to its former glory, But as the only person bringing in a wage and having spent significantly to send the kids to school, really nice holidays and their various musical instruments (they are quite talented, so enjoying the output from their efforts), as well as ensuring my wife doesn't have to go back to work, my wife is panicking that I am going to kill myself on it, even though she know me when I had bikes and I am still here today. Also worth noting that my wife keeps the house in order and tight reins on the spending, so joint decisions are commonplace, such as refurbishing windows, buying my eldest a car and we will be buying my youngest one when she passes her test next year. I have good life insurance, income protection, critical illness protection and sensible pension plans.
I decided that, as I had a really good year in 2016, I would buy the Ducati 888 as a long term investment (it has been my dream bike since they came out). I am trying to bring it back to its factory fresh finish and doing as much work as I can myself. I intend for it to be ridden sparingly as I want to keep it looking wonderful, as well as maintaining its value, so it will be pampered more than ridden hard! The bike should be back together in the spring.
Questions
- Am I selfish for spending significant money something for myself and potentially putting my life at risk every time I get on the bike?
- Is my wife being selfish for wanting to make sure she keeps seeing the benefit of not having to consider going back to work by trying to stop me from having a bike at all, as that could cause life changing issues for us all, if something happened?
- Have any of you had similar scenarios and how have you moved past such a deadlock? (BTW - my wife is a keeper, so no marital changes will happen!)
Kermit power said:
It sounds to me as though anything beyond "I want a bike but my wife is worried I'll kill myself" is a complete red herring.
If you only want to use it occasionally, have you considered getting a trailer as well and only using it for track days?
I've never ridden a motorbike myself, so may be taking this from the wrong angle, but I'd look on it as follows:
1. If you're on a track, there's far, far less potential for some numpty to pull out in front of you or into you.
2. If the worst does happen on a track, decent leathers, gravel traps and long run off areas should add up to far less severe injuries than being t-boned by some plumb sack in a Chelsea tractor.
In addition to being safer, you'd also be able to put the costs saved on road tax & insurance towards the cost of the track days.
Fair points. Already looking to buy a trailer, so if I am looking to take it to shows, then that will be the mode of transporting. The rare occurrences of riding will be to things such as Ducati club meetings nearby and Goodwood FOS and revival. The bike was on a classic policy with 2000 miles per year, with track insurance included (as long as not racing) for a couple of hundred pounds and I still insure it today for fire and theft, while I am rebuilding it, as it can still be stolen when not on a track day. If you only want to use it occasionally, have you considered getting a trailer as well and only using it for track days?
I've never ridden a motorbike myself, so may be taking this from the wrong angle, but I'd look on it as follows:
1. If you're on a track, there's far, far less potential for some numpty to pull out in front of you or into you.
2. If the worst does happen on a track, decent leathers, gravel traps and long run off areas should add up to far less severe injuries than being t-boned by some plumb sack in a Chelsea tractor.
In addition to being safer, you'd also be able to put the costs saved on road tax & insurance towards the cost of the track days.
Even though I have done track days, I do not ride for speed, but for the enjoyment of being out there in a much more involving mode of transport than my Chelsea tractor
. I also ride very defensively and treat everyone on the road as potential widowmakers and have luckily only been knocked off once, by a 16 year old in a Reliant Robin!!! Tracks are quite sterile environments that I would rather be a spectator at and, as this isn't a bike that I want to wring the life out of, or remove the chicken strips on the tyres, but go to places that have something to see when you get there and enjoy the journey, that's more the type of riding that ticks the boxes for me.
Lemming Train said:
The only relevant bit to this tale is the bit I've highlighted. You've upheld your side of the 'deal' so to speak, and she knew you loved your bikes when you first met so unless you made some promise to her that you would permanently give up riding and all things bike related she is the one being unreasonable by trying to change you into someone you don't want to be. Time for you to put your foot down and either tell her to STFU about it and get over it or show her the door. As the other chaps have said above - life is for living, what if you got knocked down by a bus, etc. I do think you're going to be in for a tough time as once they get some stupid idea in their heads they won't let it go regardless of how much reasoning you try to do with them or get them to see it from your POV.
STFU has already been used, but for some reason it seemed to backfire on me. Who knew??? bridgland said:
Lemming Train said:
The only relevant bit to this tale is the bit I've highlighted. You've upheld your side of the 'deal' so to speak, and she knew you loved your bikes when you first met so unless you made some promise to her that you would permanently give up riding and all things bike related she is the one being unreasonable by trying to change you into someone you don't want to be. Time for you to put your foot down and either tell her to STFU about it and get over it or show her the door. As the other chaps have said above - life is for living, what if you got knocked down by a bus, etc. I do think you're going to be in for a tough time as once they get some stupid idea in their heads they won't let it go regardless of how much reasoning you try to do with them or get them to see it from your POV.
STFU has already been used, but for some reason it seemed to backfire on me. Who knew??? 
MTFU and get her told!
Rawwr said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
She likes to have a nice car (I get a company car) but that's her only real big financial request for herself. Jewellery, handbags, etc don't interest her.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, Twig, but you've married a man.OP, you've spent a fair few years at the grindstone to provide the finances so your wife doesn't have to work.
You've now gone a treated yourself to a nice little project bike and the wife worries you may hurt yourself to the extent her cosy life style may be damaged. She sounds very selfish to me.
You've now gone a treated yourself to a nice little project bike and the wife worries you may hurt yourself to the extent her cosy life style may be damaged. She sounds very selfish to me.
Harry H said:
the wife worries you may hurt yourself to the extent her cosy life style may be damaged. She sounds very selfish to me.
Not wanting one's husband to wind up a dead or a vegetable is selfish? I'm sure every biker who ever wound up having a life changing incident did not set off that morning intending to do so.
What would the answers be if the situation was reversed?
bloomen said:
Harry H said:
the wife worries you may hurt yourself to the extent her cosy life style may be damaged. She sounds very selfish to me.
Not wanting one's husband to wind up a dead or a vegetable is selfish? I'm sure every biker who ever wound up having a life changing incident did not set off that morning intending to do so.
What would the answers be if the situation was reversed?
Lemming Train said:
bloomen said:
Harry H said:
the wife worries you may hurt yourself to the extent her cosy life style may be damaged. She sounds very selfish to me.
Not wanting one's husband to wind up a dead or a vegetable is selfish? I'm sure every biker who ever wound up having a life changing incident did not set off that morning intending to do so.
What would the answers be if the situation was reversed?
Dinoboy said:
Your not being selfish at all, neither is she. She just cares about you and doesn't want you to be a statistic. I'd love a bike but wouldn't put my wife through it every time I went out, she's worked in A+E for years and i know she'd be a wreck every time I went out.
This is where my head is at, but she needs to trust me in being risk averse. Having had a Ducati previously with open pipes, this was my justification for it being an early warning system for other road users, rather than being thought of as a "t
t on a bike". Filtering through traffic with occasional blips to wake up some of the lane drifters was always a handy feature.I am trying to de risk the experience of riding without having to give it up (it's been 20 years since the last bike).
Well, if you're doing a project vehicle properly, it never gets finished anyway, so she's got little to worry about.
My dad had some bikes long before I was born, stopped riding after a good stack (there's still the faint evidence of a scar on his arm if you look carefully), and didn't get another until both my brother and I were out on our own - but he never really rode it much, and sold it after about ten years to concentrate on restoring one of his cars.
I think you may find you enjoy the pottering about restoring bits aspect enough that whether or not you really ride it much is no great concern.
Ultimately, you can drop dead tomorrow or otherwise cop it in some completely random way, so as long as you're not going to go and rag about on it in shorts and flip flops, I don't think it seems much of a risk in the context of what you're doing and why.
Tell her you'll buy the kids lessons and get them on bikes, that way they can come out with you to keep an eye on you.
My dad had some bikes long before I was born, stopped riding after a good stack (there's still the faint evidence of a scar on his arm if you look carefully), and didn't get another until both my brother and I were out on our own - but he never really rode it much, and sold it after about ten years to concentrate on restoring one of his cars.
I think you may find you enjoy the pottering about restoring bits aspect enough that whether or not you really ride it much is no great concern.
Ultimately, you can drop dead tomorrow or otherwise cop it in some completely random way, so as long as you're not going to go and rag about on it in shorts and flip flops, I don't think it seems much of a risk in the context of what you're doing and why.
Tell her you'll buy the kids lessons and get them on bikes, that way they can come out with you to keep an eye on you.
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