Married for just under 2 years... very rocky and scared
Discussion
Hi, new username for this.
Been together with this lady for approx. 7 years and have been married for almost 2 years. No kids but have a house together. We're in our late 20's.
We've been very rocky for the past year and we both feel like we've been living as housemates. We both love each other. We've had 4 counselling sessions as we want to make it work but the counsellor has been able to unpick us both and what has been discussed has unfortunately made a lot of sense. Basically, the way I can describe it, there's 1 path but we are both on either side and not on it together. She wants to settle and eventually have kids, I don't. She has done nothing wrong but I'm not making her happy. I have tried but I'm failing. I feel numb about the situation and feel like curling up in a ball and hiding from it all. I admit that I am the issue, not her which she agrees. I know that I'm not trying hard enough but I don't know why...
She has told me this evening that it's going the way she doesn't want it to and is extremely upset. She tells me that she wants to be with me and that she loves me which is why the situation is so difficult. I feel sad for her. I could cope on my own but it's not what I want. I don't even know what I want and I've told her that. I have no urge for kids and not sure I ever will. I question if there's something wrong with me. The only thing I am focused on is my career, but otherwise I am just bumbling through life with no "end goal" other than focusing on my career. We enjoy doing stuff together but we are very different people. I've changed a lot these last 2 years. I want her to be happy but at the moment we are not. How can this last for the next 40 odd years? That lust seems to be dwindling on my side yet I know she is trying on her side. I will always love her regardless of what happens.
I know it's probably odd that I'm writing this here but I am on these forums a lot and need to write this out. I know that others have been through a similar situation. PS: I've never been depressed in my life and I'm an upbeat kinda person- I'm not depressed now (I don't think) but I just have numb sadness feeling for her. For us. I question if separating is better for us both in the long run despite how much sadness and hurt it was cause initially? The situation is just horrible and scary.
Any words of wisdom or just information I think will be helpful to read.
Been together with this lady for approx. 7 years and have been married for almost 2 years. No kids but have a house together. We're in our late 20's.
We've been very rocky for the past year and we both feel like we've been living as housemates. We both love each other. We've had 4 counselling sessions as we want to make it work but the counsellor has been able to unpick us both and what has been discussed has unfortunately made a lot of sense. Basically, the way I can describe it, there's 1 path but we are both on either side and not on it together. She wants to settle and eventually have kids, I don't. She has done nothing wrong but I'm not making her happy. I have tried but I'm failing. I feel numb about the situation and feel like curling up in a ball and hiding from it all. I admit that I am the issue, not her which she agrees. I know that I'm not trying hard enough but I don't know why...
She has told me this evening that it's going the way she doesn't want it to and is extremely upset. She tells me that she wants to be with me and that she loves me which is why the situation is so difficult. I feel sad for her. I could cope on my own but it's not what I want. I don't even know what I want and I've told her that. I have no urge for kids and not sure I ever will. I question if there's something wrong with me. The only thing I am focused on is my career, but otherwise I am just bumbling through life with no "end goal" other than focusing on my career. We enjoy doing stuff together but we are very different people. I've changed a lot these last 2 years. I want her to be happy but at the moment we are not. How can this last for the next 40 odd years? That lust seems to be dwindling on my side yet I know she is trying on her side. I will always love her regardless of what happens.
I know it's probably odd that I'm writing this here but I am on these forums a lot and need to write this out. I know that others have been through a similar situation. PS: I've never been depressed in my life and I'm an upbeat kinda person- I'm not depressed now (I don't think) but I just have numb sadness feeling for her. For us. I question if separating is better for us both in the long run despite how much sadness and hurt it was cause initially? The situation is just horrible and scary.
Any words of wisdom or just information I think will be helpful to read.
Edited by CarrotsAndCake on Wednesday 2nd January 18:52
leave her, she wants kids but you dont. If its rocky now, having kids wont change that and will just make it worse due to added stress/strain having a child will have.
It may be scary due to the fear of change, but you wont realise how much happier you will be until you leave. Move forward and think about the future instead of the dwelling on the past, you gave it a shot with councelling etc.
It may be scary due to the fear of change, but you wont realise how much happier you will be until you leave. Move forward and think about the future instead of the dwelling on the past, you gave it a shot with councelling etc.
CarrotsAndCake said:
She wants to settle and have kids, I don't.
If you can't see this ever changing then you need to split up and let her get on with her life and meet someone else.You might feel differently with someone else, too.
But it depends how strongly you feel about not having children.
xeny said:
Did you not discuss the kids thing before marriage? It's a fairly common stress point in relationships, and a fairly big thing to want to agree on.
We did mention it and it was along the lines of "yeah eventually." But would have got married regardless even if it was a "probably not."It really is a horrible situation. The kids isn't even the main issue but rather that I'm not making her happy. It is hurting us both equally.
She wants children, you don't. Unfortunately one of you will have to bend.
You can't compromise on this like choosing wallpaper.
Good luck in whatever you decide, children can be hard work and expensive but it's a very rewarding experience bringing them up.
WR (Married 37 years with three grown up lads)
You can't compromise on this like choosing wallpaper.
Good luck in whatever you decide, children can be hard work and expensive but it's a very rewarding experience bringing them up.
WR (Married 37 years with three grown up lads)
CarrotsAndCake said:
The only thing I am focused on is my career, but otherwise I am just bumbling through life with no "end goal" other than focusing on my career.
Isn’t that as good as it gets if you don’t have kids? What end goal could there be, other than death? The main aim for living things is to procreate , without it you are a rudderless ship.CarrotsAndCake said:
It really is a horrible situation. The kids isn't even the main issue but rather that I'm not making her happy. It is hurting us both equally.
Reading your post didn't make me think children is the issue.What I am reading is you don't think you want to be in this relationship but you don't want to hurt or upset her.
Unfortunately you will short term, but you need to sort it out to be fair to both of you.
My own view on these threads is that I would stick to asking people who know you.
You can't get across every feeling and emotion and thought in the space of a few posts.
Not to mention that on PH the answer almost always is "leave her" which may be right sometimes but seems to be the answer almost 100% of times.
If you truly want a range of views from people who don't know you maybe go setup an account on Mumsnet for an alternative perspective.
You can't get across every feeling and emotion and thought in the space of a few posts.
Not to mention that on PH the answer almost always is "leave her" which may be right sometimes but seems to be the answer almost 100% of times.
If you truly want a range of views from people who don't know you maybe go setup an account on Mumsnet for an alternative perspective.
Sometimes if you’re not ready it is best to split amicably and let her find a chap that wants the same thing as her
You can then live life go out and focus on your career
As a bloke if you want kids at 40/45 it’s easy and you could do it with a 30/35 year old woman
If you’re not ready now don’t stress and you can see how you feel at 35/40.
It’s harder for a woman though for obvious reasons
It will be hard at first but it’s far better to end it amicably and having respect for each other
It’s what I did and I don’t regret it for a second
You can then live life go out and focus on your career
As a bloke if you want kids at 40/45 it’s easy and you could do it with a 30/35 year old woman
If you’re not ready now don’t stress and you can see how you feel at 35/40.
It’s harder for a woman though for obvious reasons
It will be hard at first but it’s far better to end it amicably and having respect for each other
It’s what I did and I don’t regret it for a second
gareth h said:
19 years ago I had no wish for children, was happy with work / sport / socialising, number 1 arrived unexpectedly, with number 2 18 months later, it changed my attitude and motivation completely.
it's your call, but they aren't the worst thing in the world!
For you, perhaps it's your call, but they aren't the worst thing in the world!
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