Ditching your kids
Discussion
Never thought I'd do that but my 2 girls grew up with their mother and into mini versions of her unfortunately. One ditched me after I missed her 18th birthday (not that I ever got invited to anything) and the second is truly her mother's daughter. It was all I could do recently not to tell her to just f
k off. Coming from a nice family background this is alien to me but something I have got used to.
I'm married now and my step daughter is the total opposite of them. I will always love my 2 daughters but if I never see them again I won't care. My wife asked me recently, 'Have you ever had a nice chat on the phone with them?' I hadn't. All the chats meant I had to be careful of everything i said as I knew it'd be relayed back to the ex. I never spent Xmas with them, or their birthdays, went to their schools, took them on holiday...
When people say 'remove the toxic people in your life' I never thought it'd be my own children. TBH they aren't really mine any more and have not been for quite some time.
Funny (and really stty) how some part of life turn out...
k off. Coming from a nice family background this is alien to me but something I have got used to. I'm married now and my step daughter is the total opposite of them. I will always love my 2 daughters but if I never see them again I won't care. My wife asked me recently, 'Have you ever had a nice chat on the phone with them?' I hadn't. All the chats meant I had to be careful of everything i said as I knew it'd be relayed back to the ex. I never spent Xmas with them, or their birthdays, went to their schools, took them on holiday...
When people say 'remove the toxic people in your life' I never thought it'd be my own children. TBH they aren't really mine any more and have not been for quite some time.
Funny (and really s
tty) how some part of life turn out...Same here. It's difficult for others to understand but effectively they are not your kids anymore.
Not seen the daughter for probably 18 months now (age 16). Sent a Xmas text and got one liner reply.
I'll always be around for them but they have their own life now. Can only hope as they mature and move away from their mother they might consider making proper contact.
No point stressing about it.
Not seen the daughter for probably 18 months now (age 16). Sent a Xmas text and got one liner reply.
I'll always be around for them but they have their own life now. Can only hope as they mature and move away from their mother they might consider making proper contact.
No point stressing about it.
Wobbegong said:
As sad as it is, it seems you’ll never have a meaningful relationship with them. Might be worth sending a letter detailing the reality of the relationship with the mother before ditching them (friend did this as the mother had poisoned their kids against him).
It's a sad place to be. I would try this, then yeah, move on. 
Not commenting about your specific relationship, but just want to relay a story so you can make sure you see it in all lights.
An older friend of mine ditched his child when she was much younger and didn’t see her for 20yrs - had children from a later marriage and came across a happy man and t’other one was rarely mentioned.
Anyway earlier this year they reconnected and now she’s on her own two feet (not living with poison OH) with her kids they get on like a house on fire. It’s incredible to see how happy he is now he’s got her back in his life and he’s openly upset that he’s missed so many years and what would have been his first grand children!
So, don’t write them off. If it’s as bad as you say, then keep them at arms length for a while, but don’t alienate them or yourself.
They are still your children and they will always want and need a dad. You might find once they have grown up a bit or moved out of home that they see the light and you form a relationship which works for all.
An older friend of mine ditched his child when she was much younger and didn’t see her for 20yrs - had children from a later marriage and came across a happy man and t’other one was rarely mentioned.
Anyway earlier this year they reconnected and now she’s on her own two feet (not living with poison OH) with her kids they get on like a house on fire. It’s incredible to see how happy he is now he’s got her back in his life and he’s openly upset that he’s missed so many years and what would have been his first grand children!
So, don’t write them off. If it’s as bad as you say, then keep them at arms length for a while, but don’t alienate them or yourself.
They are still your children and they will always want and need a dad. You might find once they have grown up a bit or moved out of home that they see the light and you form a relationship which works for all.
Exactly the same here with my daughter didn't see her for 9 years even managed a reconciliation before she went to the states and got married out there , flew out with 48 hrs notice to bring her back when the husband became abusive after she became pregnant, then the moment she saw her mother the one who told her "you made your bed you lie in it!" Mother was all over her again buying anything and everything she could and I was history again! Never seen my Grandson who is 2 nor am I likely to.
You deal with it , you have to or you would crumble. Some parents use kids as weapons sadly and eventually I believe they will pay the price, sooner or later Karma is a bh.
worst thing about it is that I see her using her child as a weapon too.
You deal with it , you have to or you would crumble. Some parents use kids as weapons sadly and eventually I believe they will pay the price, sooner or later Karma is a b
h.worst thing about it is that I see her using her child as a weapon too.
Give it time before you make any life changing drastic decisions.
At the moment it seems you are just seeing them as variations of the wife that irritates you, and whilst that may be the case for their personality you are still their father and they need you - they just don't know or show it yet. At this age it's a constantly changing state of emotions, influences from things in a very small area.
The age they are gives plenty of scope for them to blossom when they are exposed to the outer 'real world' and their experiences and influences of other people (not just their mum and their changing hormones) will change them. They are not the finished article. Ditching them at the stage is selfish and short sighted.
Sure, retire into the background a little to avoid confrontations and irritation but do try. You are their father and you need to live up to your responsibilities to them - not just sack them off because you are annoyed or dislike them. You have a duty to be a man and do what is right for them - even if it's just letting them know you are still there. It's easy to walk away and shun responsibility but with children you are in it for the lifetime hall wether you are currently enjoying it or not.
At the moment it seems you are just seeing them as variations of the wife that irritates you, and whilst that may be the case for their personality you are still their father and they need you - they just don't know or show it yet. At this age it's a constantly changing state of emotions, influences from things in a very small area.
The age they are gives plenty of scope for them to blossom when they are exposed to the outer 'real world' and their experiences and influences of other people (not just their mum and their changing hormones) will change them. They are not the finished article. Ditching them at the stage is selfish and short sighted.
Sure, retire into the background a little to avoid confrontations and irritation but do try. You are their father and you need to live up to your responsibilities to them - not just sack them off because you are annoyed or dislike them. You have a duty to be a man and do what is right for them - even if it's just letting them know you are still there. It's easy to walk away and shun responsibility but with children you are in it for the lifetime hall wether you are currently enjoying it or not.
zygalski said:
I'm absolutely 100% certain as can be that there's definitely not 2 sides to this story.
I've always found there are 3 sides to every story....OP's side, daughters' side.....and the truth. As regards the ex poisoning the children re the OP...well OP...you picked her to have kids with, so it doesn't say much about your judgment!
Countdown said:
OP - how does your step-daughter feel about her biological dad?
She had little to do with him as he split from my wife a long time ago. In her teens she tried to see him but he was basically a waste of space. She's not seen him for 10-15 years or has any intention of doing so. I'm her Dad as far she is concernedHenners said:
Chimune said:
Not taking sides and it all-round grim, but how could you forget her 18th??
It was literally your last duty!
This.It was literally your last duty!
Wobbegong said:
As sad as it is, it seems you’ll never have a meaningful relationship with them. Might be worth sending a letter detailing the reality of the relationship with the mother before ditching them (friend did this as the mother had poisoned their kids against him).
Yes, they are not like me or my family and totally like my ex's. I can't see either of them ever being close to me again. I could write a letter but am sure it'd fall on deaf ears. They believe their mother over me 100%.I tried so hard over the years but how much should I take now they are adults? My wife said, at least they can't blame you for not trying but I still think they do/will.
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