Not ditching your kids.
Discussion
After seeing the other post about the OP not being part of their kids lives anymore I thought I would post up how I have spent the last 25 years with my eldest.
I was going to write something anyway as part of a therapeutic exercise so here goes but it's a saga.......
My son T was born in 1993 when I was 22 after a brief fling with an older woman, let's call her G. Even though I was a young stupid lad I was determined to make a go of things but it was not be as she was not very faithful shall we say after the birth.
I separated from G when T was 8 months old and moved out of her house. We were not married and she had three older children from a previous relationship who she kicked out when they were all older teenagers.
For the next few years G made my contact with T very sporadic and on her terms, although I still saw him whenever I could. Many times I would arrive to see T as per her arrangement only to be told he didn't want to see me. Finally as T got older she started to rely on me for respite because of T's health.
T underwent many tests before being diagnosed with Cornelia De lange Syndrome. This has left T with severe learning difficulties, epilepsy and most obvious of all a lack of speech. I was with T for all his tests and operations up until he was 11. I attended every appointment including staying overnight in hospital whenever he had to. I had a large part in his schooling through the years, helping out whenever I could, went on many courses to learn Makaton (sign language) etc.
From roughly the age of 4 T stayed at my house every single weekend overnight and after school during the week as well as extra time in the school holidays. I travelled to Scotland many times to see my family over the years with T. I bought my first house literally a few streets away so I could be near him. I was in regular contact with his schools and attended parents evening, sports days etc. until he was eighteen.
I met my future wife when T was 11 and when informed that I was moving in with her, G completely denied access to T for 7 months. This only resumed after we sought legal advice and took her to court which resulted in us being allowed to have T with us every other weekend. I then also gained parental responsibility for T and a CAFCASS report was completed in our favour.
I ensured, even though my wife had a daughter and was pregnant with our son, that my relationship with T didn't change. I moved house and had an extension built so T would have his own bedroom here. I even arranged my wedding dates to coincide with T weekend as I knew that G would never have let him attend. T attended holidays with us and enjoyed swimming and cycling as part of family life.
This continued until the school informed me on a regular parents evening that G was taking T out of school and moving to Dover before his 18th birthday which was 3 weeks away. Dover is a 5 hour round trip on a good day. I had no prior knowledge of this. G prevented us seeing T again for several months after his eighteenth birthday. She told us that T no longer needed his father and, as my parental responsibility had finished, I had to return to the solicitor. After several legal letters and court appearance, access was resumed once a month.
Since T moved to Dover I had continued to see him at least once a month and we enjoy fantastic family times where he is greatly loved by my wife, stepdaughter, and my youngest son.
This arrangement continued until March 2014, a month before T's 21st birthday. After that G claimed that T was too unwell to see us, gave us false information regarding an operation T was due and then finally would not answer calls or texts at all. I missed T's 21st birthday and Christmas 2014. I had driven to Dover several times and left cards begging her to contact me but not found her to be at home until i travelled down months later to T answering the door. G was furious that I had turned up and, despite T being happy to see me, she forced him physically away from me and telephoned the police. She acted hysterically swearing and shouting and assaulted me at the door. The police arrived, and although very sympathetic with my situation, said I had to leave. They suggested some mediation but G refused.
I then spent the next 6 months battling Kent social services who frankly couldn't have cared less as long as T was fed and clothed. Unfortunately this coincided with myself being very ill with the big C and had a difficult couple of years where still no contact from G.
Then out of the blue at Christmas 2017 I received a text saying that T wanted to me. The previous year had seen T's health and behaviour decline and wanted me to back part of T's life as she couldn't cope any more. The last year has been very challenging as T's disability tends to leads to aggression at this age and coupled with his emotional state it has not been easy for everyone around him. G has distant relatives in India and took T with her. last Feb for 2 months. T's behaviour on his return has got progressively worse which is not surprising as his relationship with G is just awful with her telling him she hates him, want to get rid of him etc and she has been trying to get him moved into a home but all on her terms. I cannot stress enough how this woman has acted dreadfully to T over the years but especially the last 12 months.
I have been liaising again with Kent adult services for the past 8 months and finally been getting somewhere when she left again in October to go to India leaving T with carers finally returning before Christmas 2018 announcing she had got married out there! She was back for 2 weeks over the Christmas period then out of the blue last week suddenly left to go to India again leaving T again with carers and leaving social services and myself dumbfounded!
You could say it has been a pretty tough time for T and myself and my family. Currently still working with the relevant authorities to get T moved out into an assisted living house, there is a perfect place near us, but G is blocking everything we do.
It would be impossible to T to live with us as we both work full time and T needs 24 hr care and he really needs to be with his peers and the assisted living accommodation we have found is really the best place for him and are actually very impressive despite our initial reservations about T living in such a place. Myself and the social services are currently working now to get T away from the family home and settled into a new home as quickly as possible although it is going to be very traumatic for all involved it needs to happen.
Sorry about the huge rambling post but just want to show that some people will do anything for their kids no matter what.
I was going to write something anyway as part of a therapeutic exercise so here goes but it's a saga.......
My son T was born in 1993 when I was 22 after a brief fling with an older woman, let's call her G. Even though I was a young stupid lad I was determined to make a go of things but it was not be as she was not very faithful shall we say after the birth.
I separated from G when T was 8 months old and moved out of her house. We were not married and she had three older children from a previous relationship who she kicked out when they were all older teenagers.
For the next few years G made my contact with T very sporadic and on her terms, although I still saw him whenever I could. Many times I would arrive to see T as per her arrangement only to be told he didn't want to see me. Finally as T got older she started to rely on me for respite because of T's health.
T underwent many tests before being diagnosed with Cornelia De lange Syndrome. This has left T with severe learning difficulties, epilepsy and most obvious of all a lack of speech. I was with T for all his tests and operations up until he was 11. I attended every appointment including staying overnight in hospital whenever he had to. I had a large part in his schooling through the years, helping out whenever I could, went on many courses to learn Makaton (sign language) etc.
From roughly the age of 4 T stayed at my house every single weekend overnight and after school during the week as well as extra time in the school holidays. I travelled to Scotland many times to see my family over the years with T. I bought my first house literally a few streets away so I could be near him. I was in regular contact with his schools and attended parents evening, sports days etc. until he was eighteen.
I met my future wife when T was 11 and when informed that I was moving in with her, G completely denied access to T for 7 months. This only resumed after we sought legal advice and took her to court which resulted in us being allowed to have T with us every other weekend. I then also gained parental responsibility for T and a CAFCASS report was completed in our favour.
I ensured, even though my wife had a daughter and was pregnant with our son, that my relationship with T didn't change. I moved house and had an extension built so T would have his own bedroom here. I even arranged my wedding dates to coincide with T weekend as I knew that G would never have let him attend. T attended holidays with us and enjoyed swimming and cycling as part of family life.
This continued until the school informed me on a regular parents evening that G was taking T out of school and moving to Dover before his 18th birthday which was 3 weeks away. Dover is a 5 hour round trip on a good day. I had no prior knowledge of this. G prevented us seeing T again for several months after his eighteenth birthday. She told us that T no longer needed his father and, as my parental responsibility had finished, I had to return to the solicitor. After several legal letters and court appearance, access was resumed once a month.
Since T moved to Dover I had continued to see him at least once a month and we enjoy fantastic family times where he is greatly loved by my wife, stepdaughter, and my youngest son.
This arrangement continued until March 2014, a month before T's 21st birthday. After that G claimed that T was too unwell to see us, gave us false information regarding an operation T was due and then finally would not answer calls or texts at all. I missed T's 21st birthday and Christmas 2014. I had driven to Dover several times and left cards begging her to contact me but not found her to be at home until i travelled down months later to T answering the door. G was furious that I had turned up and, despite T being happy to see me, she forced him physically away from me and telephoned the police. She acted hysterically swearing and shouting and assaulted me at the door. The police arrived, and although very sympathetic with my situation, said I had to leave. They suggested some mediation but G refused.
I then spent the next 6 months battling Kent social services who frankly couldn't have cared less as long as T was fed and clothed. Unfortunately this coincided with myself being very ill with the big C and had a difficult couple of years where still no contact from G.
Then out of the blue at Christmas 2017 I received a text saying that T wanted to me. The previous year had seen T's health and behaviour decline and wanted me to back part of T's life as she couldn't cope any more. The last year has been very challenging as T's disability tends to leads to aggression at this age and coupled with his emotional state it has not been easy for everyone around him. G has distant relatives in India and took T with her. last Feb for 2 months. T's behaviour on his return has got progressively worse which is not surprising as his relationship with G is just awful with her telling him she hates him, want to get rid of him etc and she has been trying to get him moved into a home but all on her terms. I cannot stress enough how this woman has acted dreadfully to T over the years but especially the last 12 months.
I have been liaising again with Kent adult services for the past 8 months and finally been getting somewhere when she left again in October to go to India leaving T with carers finally returning before Christmas 2018 announcing she had got married out there! She was back for 2 weeks over the Christmas period then out of the blue last week suddenly left to go to India again leaving T again with carers and leaving social services and myself dumbfounded!
You could say it has been a pretty tough time for T and myself and my family. Currently still working with the relevant authorities to get T moved out into an assisted living house, there is a perfect place near us, but G is blocking everything we do.
It would be impossible to T to live with us as we both work full time and T needs 24 hr care and he really needs to be with his peers and the assisted living accommodation we have found is really the best place for him and are actually very impressive despite our initial reservations about T living in such a place. Myself and the social services are currently working now to get T away from the family home and settled into a new home as quickly as possible although it is going to be very traumatic for all involved it needs to happen.
Sorry about the huge rambling post but just want to show that some people will do anything for their kids no matter what.
Edited by nessiemac on Wednesday 16th January 17:03
Sounds like a very very difficult situation but you're doing right by your lad and it sounds like in return you're closer to him than his mother, who sounds like a seriously unpleasant human being. I know there's two sides to every story but denying access, granting access etc. is just unnecessary.
Fair play to you mate and keep it up.
I can empathise with the long distance parenting. My eldest is now 5 and my ex moved 130 miles away when she was very young. For the first couple of years we shared the driving, I paid her for her fuel and it worked relatively well every other weekend.
That was until early last year. Things had become strained since finding out my partner and I were expecting. Within about two months of my youngest coming along, I was told that my ex was no longer sharing the driving. Her reasons being that due to the mechanical wear and tear (7k motorway miles) on her 4 year old car, she was no longer taking responsibility for the driving. This left me in a situation whereby I was expected to be up at 5am on Saturday, do a 5 hour round trip and then repeat the process Sunday evening. Instead with a bit of help from work, I now pick her up on a Friday evening and take her home on the Sunday.
In a way, despite the amount of driving, I actually get to spend more time with my eldest as she's with me more nights and the time in the car with her is nice as well. My ex also shot herself in the foot as I have always paid full child maintenance and do so without question. I earn fairly well so what she received was not insignificant, the difference is that this changed with the new arrangement and she wasn't expecting it. She argued it slightly, the CSA backed me up and she's had to suck it up. If she offered to share the drive again I'd increase it as a gesture but she won't. Despite what I give my ex, I still have to provider all clothing, shoes, toys etc. for my house. I literally have a complete childs bedroom that sits empty most of the month but it's the least my daughter deserves.
Fair play to you mate and keep it up.
I can empathise with the long distance parenting. My eldest is now 5 and my ex moved 130 miles away when she was very young. For the first couple of years we shared the driving, I paid her for her fuel and it worked relatively well every other weekend.
That was until early last year. Things had become strained since finding out my partner and I were expecting. Within about two months of my youngest coming along, I was told that my ex was no longer sharing the driving. Her reasons being that due to the mechanical wear and tear (7k motorway miles) on her 4 year old car, she was no longer taking responsibility for the driving. This left me in a situation whereby I was expected to be up at 5am on Saturday, do a 5 hour round trip and then repeat the process Sunday evening. Instead with a bit of help from work, I now pick her up on a Friday evening and take her home on the Sunday.
In a way, despite the amount of driving, I actually get to spend more time with my eldest as she's with me more nights and the time in the car with her is nice as well. My ex also shot herself in the foot as I have always paid full child maintenance and do so without question. I earn fairly well so what she received was not insignificant, the difference is that this changed with the new arrangement and she wasn't expecting it. She argued it slightly, the CSA backed me up and she's had to suck it up. If she offered to share the drive again I'd increase it as a gesture but she won't. Despite what I give my ex, I still have to provider all clothing, shoes, toys etc. for my house. I literally have a complete childs bedroom that sits empty most of the month but it's the least my daughter deserves.
Alex_225 said:
Sounds like a very very difficult situation but you're doing right by your lad and it sounds like in return you're closer to him than his mother, who sounds like a seriously unpleasant human being. I know there's two sides to every story but denying access, granting access etc. is just unnecessary.
Fair play to you mate and keep it up.
I can empathise with the long distance parenting. My eldest is now 5 and my ex moved 130 miles away when she was very young. For the first couple of years we shared the driving, I paid her for her fuel and it worked relatively well every other weekend.
That was until early last year. Things had become strained since finding out my partner and I were expecting. Within about two months of my youngest coming along, I was told that my ex was no longer sharing the driving. Her reasons being that due to the mechanical wear and tear (7k motorway miles) on her 4 year old car, she was no longer taking responsibility for the driving. This left me in a situation whereby I was expected to be up at 5am on Saturday, do a 5 hour round trip and then repeat the process Sunday evening. Instead with a bit of help from work, I now pick her up on a Friday evening and take her home on the Sunday.
In a way, despite the amount of driving, I actually get to spend more time with my eldest as she's with me more nights and the time in the car with her is nice as well. My ex also shot herself in the foot as I have always paid full child maintenance and do so without question. I earn fairly well so what she received was not insignificant, the difference is that this changed with the new arrangement and she wasn't expecting it. She argued it slightly, the CSA backed me up and she's had to suck it up. If she offered to share the drive again I'd increase it as a gesture but she won't. Despite what I give my ex, I still have to provider all clothing, shoes, toys etc. for my house. I literally have a complete childs bedroom that sits empty most of the month but it's the least my daughter deserves.
Two sides to everything but i can honestly say i have never said or done the wrong thing for 25 years.Fair play to you mate and keep it up.
I can empathise with the long distance parenting. My eldest is now 5 and my ex moved 130 miles away when she was very young. For the first couple of years we shared the driving, I paid her for her fuel and it worked relatively well every other weekend.
That was until early last year. Things had become strained since finding out my partner and I were expecting. Within about two months of my youngest coming along, I was told that my ex was no longer sharing the driving. Her reasons being that due to the mechanical wear and tear (7k motorway miles) on her 4 year old car, she was no longer taking responsibility for the driving. This left me in a situation whereby I was expected to be up at 5am on Saturday, do a 5 hour round trip and then repeat the process Sunday evening. Instead with a bit of help from work, I now pick her up on a Friday evening and take her home on the Sunday.
In a way, despite the amount of driving, I actually get to spend more time with my eldest as she's with me more nights and the time in the car with her is nice as well. My ex also shot herself in the foot as I have always paid full child maintenance and do so without question. I earn fairly well so what she received was not insignificant, the difference is that this changed with the new arrangement and she wasn't expecting it. She argued it slightly, the CSA backed me up and she's had to suck it up. If she offered to share the drive again I'd increase it as a gesture but she won't. Despite what I give my ex, I still have to provider all clothing, shoes, toys etc. for my house. I literally have a complete childs bedroom that sits empty most of the month but it's the least my daughter deserves.
crofty1984 said:
Hope you get it all sorted in the end, sounds like you've had a rough time.
FYI, a couple of times you've referred to "T" by his full name in your post. Don't know if you wanted to change that.
Cheers Crofty, it's been pretty tough over the years that's for sure.FYI, a couple of times you've referred to "T" by his full name in your post. Don't know if you wanted to change that.
I blooming read the post loads to make sure I didn't include names but still missed it. Cheers
Well played mate, too many stories on here of father's having nothing or very little to do with their kids ( though I know every situation is different).
Not even close to your situation, but 6 years ago I changed pretty my whole family life as I realised I was not seeing my kids during the week. despite being home and happily married, i was missing out on my son growing up and was going to miss out on my daughter as well if I didn't make a change.
Not even close to your situation, but 6 years ago I changed pretty my whole family life as I realised I was not seeing my kids during the week. despite being home and happily married, i was missing out on my son growing up and was going to miss out on my daughter as well if I didn't make a change.
nessiemac said:
Two sides to everything but i can honestly say i have never said or done the wrong thing for 25 years.
You know what mate, I don't disbelieve you. It does sound like your ex is not pleasant at all but fair play to you for persevering.I know that with my ex, I'm the bad guy and I suspect if I said I didn't want to see my daughter any more she'd be glad. She'd put her husband in my place and I'd be the terrible father. Ironically, the more effort I make the more it riles her but what can she say?
I must admit it does stagger when I hear about dads who live round the corner from their kids and don't see them. I think how lucky they are to have their children so close by yet don't step up.
Edited by Alex_225 on Wednesday 16th January 19:39
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