Relationship woes
Discussion
More of a vent than anything else but feel free to comment.
Myself and the wife have been together 27 years; married 10, have 2 daughters; 26 and 20 (in a week), I am 44 she is 45.
My wife has always liked to spend, not huge spending but spending inappropriately, she doesn't look at the bigger picture she just looks at now, "ooh I have money I must spend it and that thing looks nice". Her dad was the same, he is no longer on the scene.
In the past we had quite big financial issues, just a build up over time and mainly due to her spending, credit cards would be used for general day to day stuff then loans would be used to clear the credit cards and then the cards would build up again and so the viscous circle would repeat itself, we were both declared bankrupt 12 years ago with quite substantial debt plus I lost my job and her work didn't pay well. She also had major issues with depression.
So we got ourselves sorted and slowly it has crept up again but not to the level it was, it is manageable but it is as a result of putting holidays on cards or loans and we've had a few good ones.I try and steer her away but she just doesn't listen, I think with her it is trying to live up to a perceived lifestyle as he is a social media w
e, posting crap all over FB and Instagram, she is a well paid nanny but you live to your means I guess.
That is another thing, she is constantly on her fking phone, even when you are talking to her, she does it to everyone, apart from her friends though!!
We have separate bank accounts but we do have a spreadsheet of income and outgoings; I pretty much pay everything to do with the household and she services her debt and pays a few other bits, I am of the view that my money is ours and yet she is of the view that hers is hers, I put all of what I earn into the household and rarely go out but I'm not a social person whereas she is and has loads of groups of friends and her issue is she cannot say no, so if a group are going out she will always go and because of this I'm always on edge and constantly on at her because money is always tight due to our debts, she hates this and says she can't do what she wants without me constantly checking.
What annoys me the most is she will do overtime but instead of seeing that we are tight that month she won't put it all back into the pot she will say "I've done the overtime so I deserve to go out", to me when we have debt or are tight in a month, that is selfish but she just doesn't get it, this month she said to me about my bootcamp sessions that as this month was tight then could I not do them, so I agreed (I was already going to do this anyway), she then subsequently went out for lunch 2 days later and then at the weekend went out with her mates eating and drinking and tonight one of her mates is having a crisis so they are going out for dinner, but it's ok as she has done some overtime, I got the hump and she just doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand she will just say, "oh it was only £xyz" which isn't the point.
Everything I get financially I look at it from a household perspective, we are going to Glastonbury in June, I have had a refund of my daughters uni accommodation deposit so that is going to pay for the tickets and is squirreled away for that, my wife would have spent it on things.
She is going away to Romania for a weekend in April, she asked me if that was ok, I just said yes as I couldn't be arsed with the sulking, the fact that she asks annoys me too as she knows the financial situation and any normal person would say "nope can't afford it, it is just one of those things" its so that I can be the bad man.
My youngest who lives at home, cannot stand her, she can't stand her moods, how she speaks to me and her double standards, my eldest told me that my youngest doesn't like her and if I ever moved out she would be right behind me, the wife clashes with the eldest as she is very self righteous towards her; for example she had money issues recently and my wife felt that it was her place to lecture her, however she puts up with it, my youngest has very little do do with the wife if she can help it.
We had an argument at the weekend, we were going out for lunch at a friends, I said we need to leave at a certain time, I came home from walking the dogs and she's merrily cleaning the bathroom, I had a bit of a whinge as we were running late she just flipped, "I don't know the time, I'm busy", "I can't keep and eye on the time all of the time", i just told her that she sounded stupid as I manage it fine with no issues so than I got her flip flops thrown at me and the usual, "you are such a boring moany old man, why don't you just fk off", all in earshot of my youngest, her response is the usual response of someone who has no argument and cannot articulate themselves, I just said "oh here we go again, the usual fk off response, I'd rather be a boring old man than someone who has to resort to swearing because they have lost the argument".
Anyway for quite a while I have been thinking of leaving as I have just had enough of the stress but I'd end up at my mums 25 miles away, we have 3 dogs and I'd worry about the youngest, I did tell my eldest this at the weekend which upset her.
What also annoys me is the wife a few times has mentioned my elderly (97) grandma, knowing that I will get a fair chuck of money when she finally goes "oh we will be fine we can just pay everything off when your grandma dies", that is out of order.
So I get a text from her this morning saying she thinks I should move out I actually reply saying that I agree and had been thinking about it for some time, then I list everything that I pay for to do with the house; rent, utilities, council tax etc and she wouldn't have a hope in hell of affording all that and maybe she should move out, she said that she would and would tonight as she has loads of friends who have spare rooms.
So that is were we are at the moment, oddly I don't feel at all that bothered which is strange, I thought I would but I don't, maybe I think it will be temporary and it will sort itself out.
Oh yeahh we rent so there is no house issue there.
Myself and the wife have been together 27 years; married 10, have 2 daughters; 26 and 20 (in a week), I am 44 she is 45.
My wife has always liked to spend, not huge spending but spending inappropriately, she doesn't look at the bigger picture she just looks at now, "ooh I have money I must spend it and that thing looks nice". Her dad was the same, he is no longer on the scene.
In the past we had quite big financial issues, just a build up over time and mainly due to her spending, credit cards would be used for general day to day stuff then loans would be used to clear the credit cards and then the cards would build up again and so the viscous circle would repeat itself, we were both declared bankrupt 12 years ago with quite substantial debt plus I lost my job and her work didn't pay well. She also had major issues with depression.
So we got ourselves sorted and slowly it has crept up again but not to the level it was, it is manageable but it is as a result of putting holidays on cards or loans and we've had a few good ones.I try and steer her away but she just doesn't listen, I think with her it is trying to live up to a perceived lifestyle as he is a social media w
e, posting crap all over FB and Instagram, she is a well paid nanny but you live to your means I guess. That is another thing, she is constantly on her f
king phone, even when you are talking to her, she does it to everyone, apart from her friends though!!We have separate bank accounts but we do have a spreadsheet of income and outgoings; I pretty much pay everything to do with the household and she services her debt and pays a few other bits, I am of the view that my money is ours and yet she is of the view that hers is hers, I put all of what I earn into the household and rarely go out but I'm not a social person whereas she is and has loads of groups of friends and her issue is she cannot say no, so if a group are going out she will always go and because of this I'm always on edge and constantly on at her because money is always tight due to our debts, she hates this and says she can't do what she wants without me constantly checking.
What annoys me the most is she will do overtime but instead of seeing that we are tight that month she won't put it all back into the pot she will say "I've done the overtime so I deserve to go out", to me when we have debt or are tight in a month, that is selfish but she just doesn't get it, this month she said to me about my bootcamp sessions that as this month was tight then could I not do them, so I agreed (I was already going to do this anyway), she then subsequently went out for lunch 2 days later and then at the weekend went out with her mates eating and drinking and tonight one of her mates is having a crisis so they are going out for dinner, but it's ok as she has done some overtime, I got the hump and she just doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand she will just say, "oh it was only £xyz" which isn't the point.
Everything I get financially I look at it from a household perspective, we are going to Glastonbury in June, I have had a refund of my daughters uni accommodation deposit so that is going to pay for the tickets and is squirreled away for that, my wife would have spent it on things.
She is going away to Romania for a weekend in April, she asked me if that was ok, I just said yes as I couldn't be arsed with the sulking, the fact that she asks annoys me too as she knows the financial situation and any normal person would say "nope can't afford it, it is just one of those things" its so that I can be the bad man.
My youngest who lives at home, cannot stand her, she can't stand her moods, how she speaks to me and her double standards, my eldest told me that my youngest doesn't like her and if I ever moved out she would be right behind me, the wife clashes with the eldest as she is very self righteous towards her; for example she had money issues recently and my wife felt that it was her place to lecture her, however she puts up with it, my youngest has very little do do with the wife if she can help it.
We had an argument at the weekend, we were going out for lunch at a friends, I said we need to leave at a certain time, I came home from walking the dogs and she's merrily cleaning the bathroom, I had a bit of a whinge as we were running late she just flipped, "I don't know the time, I'm busy", "I can't keep and eye on the time all of the time", i just told her that she sounded stupid as I manage it fine with no issues so than I got her flip flops thrown at me and the usual, "you are such a boring moany old man, why don't you just f
k off", all in earshot of my youngest, her response is the usual response of someone who has no argument and cannot articulate themselves, I just said "oh here we go again, the usual fk off response, I'd rather be a boring old man than someone who has to resort to swearing because they have lost the argument".Anyway for quite a while I have been thinking of leaving as I have just had enough of the stress but I'd end up at my mums 25 miles away, we have 3 dogs and I'd worry about the youngest, I did tell my eldest this at the weekend which upset her.
What also annoys me is the wife a few times has mentioned my elderly (97) grandma, knowing that I will get a fair chuck of money when she finally goes "oh we will be fine we can just pay everything off when your grandma dies", that is out of order.
So I get a text from her this morning saying she thinks I should move out I actually reply saying that I agree and had been thinking about it for some time, then I list everything that I pay for to do with the house; rent, utilities, council tax etc and she wouldn't have a hope in hell of affording all that and maybe she should move out, she said that she would and would tonight as she has loads of friends who have spare rooms.
So that is were we are at the moment, oddly I don't feel at all that bothered which is strange, I thought I would but I don't, maybe I think it will be temporary and it will sort itself out.
Oh yeahh we rent so there is no house issue there.
Thoughtful post, and it sounds a tough situation. I am sure you do have faults and this is of course only one side. But on the face of it, if the spending patterns haven’t changed down the years then I think it probably is time to split, it will always cause resentment on both sides.
The comment about the will is totally out of line in my view. You have to live within your means, anything that comes on top of that is a bonus, but should be used to pay off loans.
.Take a look at How To Be A Lady Who Leaves by Emma Heptonstall.
Although focussed on women the advice cuts equally for both men and women. It is a practical guide to getting your st sorted. It covers finances, kids, mental health etc.
Disclaimer- I have know the author for many years.
Although focussed on women the advice cuts equally for both men and women. It is a practical guide to getting your s
t sorted. It covers finances, kids, mental health etc. Disclaimer- I have know the author for many years.
Supposedly, money is the leading cause of marital disputes and arguments. I don’t know if it’s true, but you certainly spend a lot of your post concentrating on that.
Ultimately, if you (as a couple) are going to not have the money disagreement, you both have to get on the same page. Be that spending like it’s going out of fashion, or being conservative. If you both can’t agree on the single biggest cause of disagreements, then you are going to struggle.
Do you think you two can come to an agreement on this?
Ultimately, if you (as a couple) are going to not have the money disagreement, you both have to get on the same page. Be that spending like it’s going out of fashion, or being conservative. If you both can’t agree on the single biggest cause of disagreements, then you are going to struggle.
Do you think you two can come to an agreement on this?
I guess she won't be rushing to get divorced either, she'll be hanging around long enough for her half share of your 97 year old relative's inheritance to come through!
Some folk just live in a bubble, she'll have to learn to budget and/or earn more... but she won't do that whilst you're around or able to pick up the tab.
Some folk just live in a bubble, she'll have to learn to budget and/or earn more... but she won't do that whilst you're around or able to pick up the tab.
Firstly don't start talking about relationship issues by text, you need to sit down (calmly) and spend a few hours face to face going through everything.
I have no time for people who are glued to their mobile phones constantly, but I'm old school, this is life in 2019 I suppose.
Fortunately you are renting, so she can't take you to the cleaners house wise.
Do you still love her? honestly?
All marriages go through rocky periods, so don't do anything rash, calmly weigh up your options.
Good luck.
I have no time for people who are glued to their mobile phones constantly, but I'm old school, this is life in 2019 I suppose.
Fortunately you are renting, so she can't take you to the cleaners house wise.
Do you still love her? honestly?
All marriages go through rocky periods, so don't do anything rash, calmly weigh up your options.
Good luck.
How much do you want to save it? How much does she? The kids are grown up, and you rent. You'll need to talk to her if you want to save it.
If you don't want to keep making the effort, split. Start here:
https://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/
Whatever you do, make sure she doesn't get a penny of your grandma's money.
If you don't want to keep making the effort, split. Start here:
https://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/
Whatever you do, make sure she doesn't get a penny of your grandma's money.
Sorry to hear about this OP. 
Your wife, quite simply doesn't sound like a team player. If she was, she wouldn't behave how she does in the relationship especially given your previous financial circumstances. Sorry to say it, but appears to me that you are probably better off without her. I reckon she'll st the bed once she realises how much she's dependant on you financially.
I hope things move in a direction beneficial to you and your children. Good luck.
Your wife, quite simply doesn't sound like a team player. If she was, she wouldn't behave how she does in the relationship especially given your previous financial circumstances. Sorry to say it, but appears to me that you are probably better off without her. I reckon she'll s
t the bed once she realises how much she's dependant on you financially.I hope things move in a direction beneficial to you and your children. Good luck.
That sucks mate.
I was in a similar postion but for different reasons. We sat down, talked it through...many times! In fact lots of times over say....three months before we both decided that weren't in the same place, want the same things etc. We're not married but are financially "very together" and have managed to keep it amicable as there's no real reason not to and she has 13 year old daughter and I've been around since she was three. Little one was my biggest fear! I grew up never wanting kids, I still don't want my own but this one....she's my world, we have such a great relationship I was petrified of telling her about the split. Whilst she was sad, she said she knew it was coming one day as we lived such seprate lives.
In the nearly 4 months we have broken up there's been some stressful times but the weight lifted of both our shoulders was amazing. She's "buying me" out the house at a reduced rate (so little one doesn't have to move) and I'm leaving all the furnitre etc etc and starting fresh. I've bought a much smaller place to keep my payments low, has a drive to park the car, garage for my bikes and a garden for my dog...More than enough! I plan to keep life simple.
What Im trying to get at is. Sit your Mrs down, tell her how it is for you, tell her you leaving is a viable option and even if it does come to that......Everything will be alright!!
I was in a similar postion but for different reasons. We sat down, talked it through...many times! In fact lots of times over say....three months before we both decided that weren't in the same place, want the same things etc. We're not married but are financially "very together" and have managed to keep it amicable as there's no real reason not to and she has 13 year old daughter and I've been around since she was three. Little one was my biggest fear! I grew up never wanting kids, I still don't want my own but this one....she's my world, we have such a great relationship I was petrified of telling her about the split. Whilst she was sad, she said she knew it was coming one day as we lived such seprate lives.
In the nearly 4 months we have broken up there's been some stressful times but the weight lifted of both our shoulders was amazing. She's "buying me" out the house at a reduced rate (so little one doesn't have to move) and I'm leaving all the furnitre etc etc and starting fresh. I've bought a much smaller place to keep my payments low, has a drive to park the car, garage for my bikes and a garden for my dog...More than enough! I plan to keep life simple.
What Im trying to get at is. Sit your Mrs down, tell her how it is for you, tell her you leaving is a viable option and even if it does come to that......Everything will be alright!!
Having been in virtually the same position as the OP twice , I do have sympathy .
In both cases both of my ex wives were not capable of change , if money was available it would be spent .
Always wanting to change things in the house and quite happy to go off and do fairly expensive activities but complain if I wanted to do any of my hobbies.
It was a huge relief in the end to divorce , especially the second one .
In both cases both of my ex wives were not capable of change , if money was available it would be spent .
Always wanting to change things in the house and quite happy to go off and do fairly expensive activities but complain if I wanted to do any of my hobbies.
It was a huge relief in the end to divorce , especially the second one .
Sorry you're going through all this OP.
I think sometimes with financial problems (and others too), you need to hit rock bottom before you realise what's at stake. You've both already been there with the bankruptcy etc, but it sounds as if you've managed to pull both of you back out of it and now she's dragging you down again. I don't think she'll do anything about it while you're there to save her, never mind the prospect of an inheritance around the corner which she's relying on.
I imagine once she's slept on a few sofas and consulted a few friends, she'll realise what she's throwing away. Whether or not you're prepared to give her another chance only you can decide - do you love her enough? Can you see a future together?
You've got a lot of life ahead of you - do you want her to be a part of it?
I think sometimes with financial problems (and others too), you need to hit rock bottom before you realise what's at stake. You've both already been there with the bankruptcy etc, but it sounds as if you've managed to pull both of you back out of it and now she's dragging you down again. I don't think she'll do anything about it while you're there to save her, never mind the prospect of an inheritance around the corner which she's relying on.
I imagine once she's slept on a few sofas and consulted a few friends, she'll realise what she's throwing away. Whether or not you're prepared to give her another chance only you can decide - do you love her enough? Can you see a future together?
You've got a lot of life ahead of you - do you want her to be a part of it?
Aphex said:
Social media is a killer, lots of middle aged women( and men) living beyond their means in an attempt to out-do all their mates on the latest like-we site.
"Keeping up with the Joneses" except instead of Jones your neighbour, it's all your friends on Facebook and Instagram!e site.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff