Offering help without hurting pride?
Discussion
Hey all.
Wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to make everyone happy in this situation?
My wife is currently trying to organise her little sisters hen do. Her little sis is in a rough patch at the mo still trying to get stable on her ongoing epilepsy medication following beating cancer (she is only 27
) and my wife just wants this to be a day for her sis to relax, enjoy and have all the women who have been there for her these last couple of rough years to get together. Nothing lairy, no exotic holiday etc just a nice day out.
All the people invited want to come but 3 of them are kinda throwing a spanner in the works by saying they will either meet people at the venue or only come for one part of the day.
This is due to the cost. Its only going to be £150-200 all in so not much compared to the average hen / stag do these days but we understand it is still a chunk for people who are not flush.
As said, my wife (and her sis) would just love everyone to be there for the whole day, travel together etc. My wife is perfectly happy to cover the costs for those who can't pay but not sure how to put this offer to them?
The people are family and all get on but we know they have a fair bit of pride and have previously refused help with things.
So do we just offer the money, keep it private obviously, and ask them just to swallow their pride for the sake of my sis in law having the day she deserves?
Is there a tactful way of doing this? One way would have been to tell them different prices to everyone else but its been organised in a group chat so too late for that now.
Any ideas?
Wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to make everyone happy in this situation?
My wife is currently trying to organise her little sisters hen do. Her little sis is in a rough patch at the mo still trying to get stable on her ongoing epilepsy medication following beating cancer (she is only 27
) and my wife just wants this to be a day for her sis to relax, enjoy and have all the women who have been there for her these last couple of rough years to get together. Nothing lairy, no exotic holiday etc just a nice day out.All the people invited want to come but 3 of them are kinda throwing a spanner in the works by saying they will either meet people at the venue or only come for one part of the day.
This is due to the cost. Its only going to be £150-200 all in so not much compared to the average hen / stag do these days but we understand it is still a chunk for people who are not flush.
As said, my wife (and her sis) would just love everyone to be there for the whole day, travel together etc. My wife is perfectly happy to cover the costs for those who can't pay but not sure how to put this offer to them?
The people are family and all get on but we know they have a fair bit of pride and have previously refused help with things.
So do we just offer the money, keep it private obviously, and ask them just to swallow their pride for the sake of my sis in law having the day she deserves?
Is there a tactful way of doing this? One way would have been to tell them different prices to everyone else but its been organised in a group chat so too late for that now.
Any ideas?
RB Will said:
3 of them are ... saying they will either meet people at the venue or only come for one part of the day.
This is due to the cost.
Are you willing to stake your life on that? This is due to the cost.
More seriously, it will be a whole lot less fun if,
a) You pay for people to go who were using cost as an excuse to swerve it.
b) You pay for people to go who did want to be there, but then tell others that your Mrs paid for them.
c) Any number of similar scenarios.
Ultimately, it's far better to let people do what they want to\can do. They will be happy they did what they wanted. Bride will be happy they are happy. Job done.
Even been on a stag\hen where a whole host of things were imposed upon you by someone you barely know?
shtu said:
RB Will said:
3 of them are ... saying they will either meet people at the venue or only come for one part of the day.
This is due to the cost.
Are you willing to stake your life on that? This is due to the cost.
More seriously, it will be a whole lot less fun if,
a) You pay for people to go who were using cost as an excuse to swerve it.
b) You pay for people to go who did want to be there, but then tell others that your Mrs paid for them.
c) Any number of similar scenarios.
Ultimately, it's far better to let people do what they want to\can do. They will be happy they did what they wanted. Bride will be happy they are happy. Job done.
Even been on a stag\hen where a whole host of things were imposed upon you by someone you barely know?
Also understand your last point. I’m an usher for a mate of mine getting married this year, best man is organising the stag and I’m having to go and stay in a house with 12 guys I don’t know, even having to share a bed! And then I think the only confirmed plan from there is to go into the city and get wasted and I’m really not much of a drinker. Anyhoo
I’m fairly confident it’s cost. 2 of them flat out said it was the cost that meant they will only come for part of the day and the third hasn’t given a specific reason for not coming all day but we know she is tight on funds and wouldn’t miss out if money wasn’t a problem.
They are all close family members and my wife’s family is super close, I don’t know another family like it!
They would definitely all want to be there for the little sis to make her day.
I understand the suggestion of finding something else to do to cut costs but it has to be something at least a little different / special. As said they are a close family, regularly meet up and chat so if it was just an afternoon tea or meal or something it wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary.
Regards asking a parent or someone else to offer to pay. We haven’t tried that yet but I think they have refused help from them in the past so it might be a non starter.
Thought about having a word with their husbands to maybe confirm if cost really was the reason and if we could help but their husbands are just as proud as they are so possibly risk offending them too
I suppose it's unrealistic to expect a 100% of the people asked to commit to the whole day, work commitments, childcare, cost, etc.
You don't allude if the 3 maybes are a sizeable or a small percentage of the party.
I would just go with the invitees who are fully on board, and if the maybes turn up at some time during the day consider
that a bonus.
Personally I wouldn't go down the road of subsidising some guests to attend, and not others, but I understand
the charitable reasons behind it.
RB Will said:
Definitely not option b!
Also understand your last point. I’m an usher for a mate of mine getting married this year, best man is organising the stag and I’m having to go and stay in a house with 12 guys I don’t know, even having to share a bed! And then I think the only confirmed plan from there is to go into the city and get wasted and I’m really not much of a drinker. Anyhoo
I’m fairly confident it’s cost. 2 of them flat out said it was the cost that meant they will only come for part of the day and the third hasn’t given a specific reason for not coming all day but we know she is tight on funds and wouldn’t miss out if money wasn’t a problem.
They are all close family members and my wife’s family is super close, I don’t know another family like it!
They would definitely all want to be there for the little sis to make her day.
I understand the suggestion of finding something else to do to cut costs but it has to be something at least a little different / special. As said they are a close family, regularly meet up and chat so if it was just an afternoon tea or meal or something it wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary.
Regards asking a parent or someone else to offer to pay. We haven’t tried that yet but I think they have refused help from them in the past so it might be a non starter.
Thought about having a word with their husbands to maybe confirm if cost really was the reason and if we could help but their husbands are just as proud as they are so possibly risk offending them too
I think your intentions are good but you’re risking spoiling this if someone takes your generosity the wrong way. Also understand your last point. I’m an usher for a mate of mine getting married this year, best man is organising the stag and I’m having to go and stay in a house with 12 guys I don’t know, even having to share a bed! And then I think the only confirmed plan from there is to go into the city and get wasted and I’m really not much of a drinker. Anyhoo
I’m fairly confident it’s cost. 2 of them flat out said it was the cost that meant they will only come for part of the day and the third hasn’t given a specific reason for not coming all day but we know she is tight on funds and wouldn’t miss out if money wasn’t a problem.
They are all close family members and my wife’s family is super close, I don’t know another family like it!
They would definitely all want to be there for the little sis to make her day.
I understand the suggestion of finding something else to do to cut costs but it has to be something at least a little different / special. As said they are a close family, regularly meet up and chat so if it was just an afternoon tea or meal or something it wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary.
Regards asking a parent or someone else to offer to pay. We haven’t tried that yet but I think they have refused help from them in the past so it might be a non starter.
Thought about having a word with their husbands to maybe confirm if cost really was the reason and if we could help but their husbands are just as proud as they are so possibly risk offending them too
Some problems aren’t yours to solve.
Cantaloupe said:
I suppose it's unrealistic to expect a 100% of the people asked to commit to the whole day, work commitments, childcare, cost, etc.
You don't allude if the 3 maybes are a sizeable or a small percentage of the party.
I would just go with the invitees who are fully on board, and if the maybes turn up at some time during the day consider
that a bonus.
Personally I wouldn't go down the road of subsidising some guests to attend, and not others, but I understand
the charitable reasons behind it.
Only 10 going in total. Everyone has said they will come on the day but these 3 have said they will only come for specific parts of it, which kinda spoils the day out thing as it means they wont be travelling/ eating together, just meeting up for a couple of hours. You don't allude if the 3 maybes are a sizeable or a small percentage of the party.
I would just go with the invitees who are fully on board, and if the maybes turn up at some time during the day consider
that a bonus.
Personally I wouldn't go down the road of subsidising some guests to attend, and not others, but I understand
the charitable reasons behind it.
No child care or work commitments etc
I'm in a similar-ish situation, only I'm on the other side.
My sister lives in the USA. She and her family travel to the UK twice a year (summer and christmas) to visit our mum (who lives near me) and we all meet up, have a good time and the kids all do stuff together.
She suggested this year that we visit her in the US for Christmas. This sounded great until i started looking at the cost of flights and car hire for the two weeks. No way could i afford it. Didn't want to admit to it so made up various excuses about work commitments and stuff.
Sister's husband obviously twigged the situation and sent me a really nice message explaining that he would really like for us to visit, and that he realised that the cost could be a barrier. He offered to pay for the flights, and pointed out that if we don't go to them then he will still have to buy his family tickets to fly to the UK. He didn't care whether we are in the US or the UK, just that we are all together, so the money would be spent by him either way.
So this made it easier for me to accept, as he would end up paying anyway. So us not going wouldn't save him any money whatever happened.
Maybe you could use a similar tactic? Perhaps say to the ones that can't afford to go that you have to pay for a minimum of 10 people to do the event, even if only seven go, so the cost to you the same whether they go or not? That way they won't feel so much of a charity case
My sister lives in the USA. She and her family travel to the UK twice a year (summer and christmas) to visit our mum (who lives near me) and we all meet up, have a good time and the kids all do stuff together.
She suggested this year that we visit her in the US for Christmas. This sounded great until i started looking at the cost of flights and car hire for the two weeks. No way could i afford it. Didn't want to admit to it so made up various excuses about work commitments and stuff.
Sister's husband obviously twigged the situation and sent me a really nice message explaining that he would really like for us to visit, and that he realised that the cost could be a barrier. He offered to pay for the flights, and pointed out that if we don't go to them then he will still have to buy his family tickets to fly to the UK. He didn't care whether we are in the US or the UK, just that we are all together, so the money would be spent by him either way.
So this made it easier for me to accept, as he would end up paying anyway. So us not going wouldn't save him any money whatever happened.
Maybe you could use a similar tactic? Perhaps say to the ones that can't afford to go that you have to pay for a minimum of 10 people to do the event, even if only seven go, so the cost to you the same whether they go or not? That way they won't feel so much of a charity case
£200 for a day out is a lot of money for some people, or it might be that the activity that the £200 is being spent on is not to everyone's taste - not everyone loves a Spa Day, for example.
Key is to break the day into manageable chunks so that people can either do the full shebang, or just a daytime or evening activity.
There's so much aggro and money wasted over stag/hen do's. I spent a small fortune on them in the 2000's, enjoyed it very much, but by the time it came to mine I was all stag do'd out, opted for a modest pub crawl with a good bunch of mates and it was great.
Key is to break the day into manageable chunks so that people can either do the full shebang, or just a daytime or evening activity.
There's so much aggro and money wasted over stag/hen do's. I spent a small fortune on them in the 2000's, enjoyed it very much, but by the time it came to mine I was all stag do'd out, opted for a modest pub crawl with a good bunch of mates and it was great.
PurpleTurtle said:
£200 for a day out is a lot of money for some people, or it might be that the activity that the £200 is being spent on is not to everyone's taste - not everyone loves a Spa Day, for example.
Key is to break the day into manageable chunks so that people can either do the full shebang, or just a daytime or evening activity.
There's so much aggro and money wasted over stag/hen do's. I spent a small fortune on them in the 2000's, enjoyed it very much, but by the time it came to mine I was all stag do'd out, opted for a modest pub crawl with a good bunch of mates and it was great.
Exactly this. I’ve got £200, but might not have it to go paintballing with a couple of people I know and a load I don’t. I have however got £100 for a decent night out and £100 to make sure the Mrs takes the kids somewhere decent whilst I nurse a hangover etc. Key is to break the day into manageable chunks so that people can either do the full shebang, or just a daytime or evening activity.
There's so much aggro and money wasted over stag/hen do's. I spent a small fortune on them in the 2000's, enjoyed it very much, but by the time it came to mine I was all stag do'd out, opted for a modest pub crawl with a good bunch of mates and it was great.
Some good suggestions here.
One more: make the day more modular so people can choose which aspects to attend. If it’s designed like that then won’t matter if some there or not. eg:
Option 1: meet for breakfast, travel together, etc
Option 2: meet us at the hotel for lunch, etc.
This also has the benefit of being respectful of some people’s preferences not to attend a whole day whether for financial or any other reason. Whilst I do get the host may really like them to be there all day, they should do it because they want to, not because they have no other option.
One more: make the day more modular so people can choose which aspects to attend. If it’s designed like that then won’t matter if some there or not. eg:
Option 1: meet for breakfast, travel together, etc
Option 2: meet us at the hotel for lunch, etc.
This also has the benefit of being respectful of some people’s preferences not to attend a whole day whether for financial or any other reason. Whilst I do get the host may really like them to be there all day, they should do it because they want to, not because they have no other option.
N111BJG said:
Having been involved in spate of this kind of thing recently, in my experience those who have not coughed up won’t attend. Women more than men.
My guess is that people are wary of just saying I can’t / won’t attend for fear of offending.
My guess is that people are wary of just saying I can’t / won’t attend for fear of offending.
I’d agree with this. Many people lack candour and so pursue what they think is a policy of letting people down gently by backing out gradually. The reasons can be varied - money, lack of inclination, don’t know how to behave in socially normalised ways, but the outcome is always the same - the piecemeal managed retreat (a week before, “I’m not feeling very well etc”) which results in non attendance.
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