Christmas rants...
Discussion
I'm going to try my Blackadder style cunning shopping plan today.
I've got a few last minute non-essentials to get for the great xmas tradition that is a
frenzied media and easy credit driven consumerism meltdown.
I'll pretend to be the nutter in the supermarket spouting nonsense about religion
and xmas being linked in some way to a 2020 year old birthday and not Tesco's profit margin.
I'll dress in my high vis jacket, wear my cycling helmet, bicycle clips, and talk loudly about Hybrid cars,
Opera, Chess and chopping things into bits with a big axe when stressed.
I'll crash my trolley into anyone who is cluttering up the aisle wringing their pathetic hands
over which brand of Cranberry or Bread friggin sauce is best.
The correct answer of course is none of them, they are all bloody horrible.
Remember I'm only one satsuma short of a giant 1 kg Toblerone bar wielding total rampage..
The nutter ploy usually clears a path past the hyped up screaming kids, hysterical mothers
and zombified dads to the pigs in blankets, mixed sharing party snacks, beer,
Quality Street and heaving checkouts faster than Moses parted the red sea.
I'll deliberately ram into any individual with more than one trolley!
That's an arrestable offence in itself, and should be punished by five years collecting them from canals,
council estates and the farthest reaches of the dark heaving car park in the pouring rain.
I'll keep a look out for other desperate men employing the same tactics
so we don't double up down the Nuts & Beer aisle. However the odds of two tall nutters in the same store
at the same time raming old ladies, arguing couples and pesky kids out of the way is fairly slim.
Must remember to implement plan B when I'm 5th in the queue at the checkout and the haggard assistant
drained of the last vestiges of xmas cheer on a zero hour contract 12 hour shift surreptitiously
puts out the 'closed' checkout sign just before my stuff already on the conveyor belt.
I'll take a deep breath, roll my eyes like Frazer in Dad's Army and raise my nutter level to the max,
whilst drooling over the bags of walnuts belonging to the nervous looking lady in front of me in the queue.
"Unexpected nut job in the bagging area."
Security to checkout 23 please.
A grey haired old git left over from the 'Tour de Yorkshire' has just t
tted me with his giant Toblerone.
Have a good xmas and new year. You've nearly made it..
Only the washing up marathon at my sisters on xmas day, three tons of leftovers at my brothers on boxing day,
and 'The Great Escape' on TV to get through now.
'Good Luck'
'Thank you'
Achtung.......
I've got a few last minute non-essentials to get for the great xmas tradition that is a
frenzied media and easy credit driven consumerism meltdown.
I'll pretend to be the nutter in the supermarket spouting nonsense about religion
and xmas being linked in some way to a 2020 year old birthday and not Tesco's profit margin.
I'll dress in my high vis jacket, wear my cycling helmet, bicycle clips, and talk loudly about Hybrid cars,
Opera, Chess and chopping things into bits with a big axe when stressed.
I'll crash my trolley into anyone who is cluttering up the aisle wringing their pathetic hands
over which brand of Cranberry or Bread friggin sauce is best.
The correct answer of course is none of them, they are all bloody horrible.
Remember I'm only one satsuma short of a giant 1 kg Toblerone bar wielding total rampage..
The nutter ploy usually clears a path past the hyped up screaming kids, hysterical mothers
and zombified dads to the pigs in blankets, mixed sharing party snacks, beer,
Quality Street and heaving checkouts faster than Moses parted the red sea.
I'll deliberately ram into any individual with more than one trolley!
That's an arrestable offence in itself, and should be punished by five years collecting them from canals,
council estates and the farthest reaches of the dark heaving car park in the pouring rain.
I'll keep a look out for other desperate men employing the same tactics
so we don't double up down the Nuts & Beer aisle. However the odds of two tall nutters in the same store
at the same time raming old ladies, arguing couples and pesky kids out of the way is fairly slim.
Must remember to implement plan B when I'm 5th in the queue at the checkout and the haggard assistant
drained of the last vestiges of xmas cheer on a zero hour contract 12 hour shift surreptitiously
puts out the 'closed' checkout sign just before my stuff already on the conveyor belt.
I'll take a deep breath, roll my eyes like Frazer in Dad's Army and raise my nutter level to the max,
whilst drooling over the bags of walnuts belonging to the nervous looking lady in front of me in the queue.
"Unexpected nut job in the bagging area."
Security to checkout 23 please.
A grey haired old git left over from the 'Tour de Yorkshire' has just t
tted me with his giant Toblerone. Have a good xmas and new year. You've nearly made it..
Only the washing up marathon at my sisters on xmas day, three tons of leftovers at my brothers on boxing day,
and 'The Great Escape' on TV to get through now.
'Good Luck'
'Thank you'
Achtung.......
Edited by peterperkins on Tuesday 24th December 09:21
john2443 said:
Can you also do what lots of people were doing last night in the s'market, stop mid aisle, blocking everyone from getting past while having a chat to friends or debating with OH whether to buy full or semi milk!
They annoy me, secretly I'd just like to walk straight into them with a trolley and see the look on their faces. In reality i settle for saying 'excuse me' in shouty voice til they move. They always look so surprised, what someone else might want to go down this aisle. Yeah in a supermarket fancy that.
I was in Sainsbury’s lordshill Southampton last night
Usual smattering of tts, normal folk and morons
However in the pub next door there appeared to be a travellers funeral wake, might not have been travellers but we had:
Young girls all stood outside wearing not much
The guys with funny swept back hair
Tipper trucks parked on the supermarket roads (not in spaces, just abandoned) with RIP xxx yyy on the side
Flashy German made cars parked in the pedestrian precinct (never seen that in my life there!)
Get in there and there’s a group of men (not kids or teenagers) chucking food all about
Made it more interesting that politely tutting at people who don’t know how to push a trolley
Ps, I did look up,the name of the fella plastered on the side of the tipper truck, seems to have led an enthusiastic lifestyle, couldn’t find out what killed him though.
Usual smattering of t
ts, normal folk and moronsHowever in the pub next door there appeared to be a travellers funeral wake, might not have been travellers but we had:
Young girls all stood outside wearing not much
The guys with funny swept back hair
Tipper trucks parked on the supermarket roads (not in spaces, just abandoned) with RIP xxx yyy on the side
Flashy German made cars parked in the pedestrian precinct (never seen that in my life there!)
Get in there and there’s a group of men (not kids or teenagers) chucking food all about
Made it more interesting that politely tutting at people who don’t know how to push a trolley
Ps, I did look up,the name of the fella plastered on the side of the tipper truck, seems to have led an enthusiastic lifestyle, couldn’t find out what killed him though.
peterperkins said:
I'm going to try my Blackadder style cunning shopping plan today.
I've got a few last minute non-essentials to get for the great xmas tradition that is a
frenzied media and easy credit driven consumerism meltdown.
I'll pretend to be the nutter in the supermarket spouting nonsense about religion
and xmas being linked in some way to a 2020 year old birthday and not Tesco's profit margin.
I'll dress in my high vis jacket, wear my cycling helmet, bicycle clips, and talk loudly about Hybrid cars,
Opera, Chess and chopping things into bits with a big axe when stressed.
I'll crash my trolley into anyone who is cluttering up the aisle wringing their pathetic hands
over which brand of Cranberry or Bread friggin sauce is best.
The correct answer of course is none of them, they are all bloody horrible.
Remember I'm only one satsuma short of a giant 1 kg Toblerone bar wielding total rampage..
The nutter ploy usually clears a path past the hyped up screaming kids, hysterical mothers
and zombified dads to the pigs in blankets, mixed sharing party snacks, beer,
Quality Street and heaving checkouts faster than Moses parted the red sea.
I'll deliberately ram into any individual with more than one trolley!
That's an arrestable offence in itself, and should be punished by five years collecting them from canals,
council estates and the farthest reaches of the dark heaving car park in the pouring rain.
I'll keep a look out for other desperate men employing the same tactics
so we don't double up down the Nuts & Beer aisle. However the odds of two tall nutters in the same store
at the same time raming old ladies, arguing couples and pesky kids out of the way is fairly slim.
Must remember to implement plan B when I'm 5th in the queue at the checkout and the haggard assistant
drained of the last vestiges of xmas cheer on a zero hour contract 12 hour shift surreptitiously
puts out the 'closed' checkout sign just before my stuff already on the conveyor belt.
I'll take a deep breath, roll my eyes like Frazer in Dad's Army and raise my nutter level to the max,
whilst drooling over the bags of walnuts belonging to the nervous looking lady in front of me in the queue.
"Unexpected nut job in the bagging area."
Security to checkout 23 please.
A grey haired old git left over from the 'Tour de Yorkshire' has just ttted me with his giant Toblerone.
Have a good xmas and new year. You've nearly made it..
Only the washing up marathon at my sisters on xmas day, three tons of leftovers at my brothers on boxing day,
and 'The Great Escape' on TV to get through now.
'Good Luck'
'Thank you'
Achtung.......
I've got a few last minute non-essentials to get for the great xmas tradition that is a
frenzied media and easy credit driven consumerism meltdown.
I'll pretend to be the nutter in the supermarket spouting nonsense about religion
and xmas being linked in some way to a 2020 year old birthday and not Tesco's profit margin.
I'll dress in my high vis jacket, wear my cycling helmet, bicycle clips, and talk loudly about Hybrid cars,
Opera, Chess and chopping things into bits with a big axe when stressed.
I'll crash my trolley into anyone who is cluttering up the aisle wringing their pathetic hands
over which brand of Cranberry or Bread friggin sauce is best.
The correct answer of course is none of them, they are all bloody horrible.
Remember I'm only one satsuma short of a giant 1 kg Toblerone bar wielding total rampage..
The nutter ploy usually clears a path past the hyped up screaming kids, hysterical mothers
and zombified dads to the pigs in blankets, mixed sharing party snacks, beer,
Quality Street and heaving checkouts faster than Moses parted the red sea.
I'll deliberately ram into any individual with more than one trolley!
That's an arrestable offence in itself, and should be punished by five years collecting them from canals,
council estates and the farthest reaches of the dark heaving car park in the pouring rain.
I'll keep a look out for other desperate men employing the same tactics
so we don't double up down the Nuts & Beer aisle. However the odds of two tall nutters in the same store
at the same time raming old ladies, arguing couples and pesky kids out of the way is fairly slim.
Must remember to implement plan B when I'm 5th in the queue at the checkout and the haggard assistant
drained of the last vestiges of xmas cheer on a zero hour contract 12 hour shift surreptitiously
puts out the 'closed' checkout sign just before my stuff already on the conveyor belt.
I'll take a deep breath, roll my eyes like Frazer in Dad's Army and raise my nutter level to the max,
whilst drooling over the bags of walnuts belonging to the nervous looking lady in front of me in the queue.
"Unexpected nut job in the bagging area."
Security to checkout 23 please.
A grey haired old git left over from the 'Tour de Yorkshire' has just t
tted me with his giant Toblerone. Have a good xmas and new year. You've nearly made it..
Only the washing up marathon at my sisters on xmas day, three tons of leftovers at my brothers on boxing day,
and 'The Great Escape' on TV to get through now.
'Good Luck'
'Thank you'
Achtung.......
Edited by peterperkins on Tuesday 24th December 09:21
Don't forget your receipt, and mind how you handle that frying pan.
borcy said:
They annoy me, secretly I'd just like to walk straight into them with a trolley and see the look on their faces.
In reality i settle for saying 'excuse me' in shouty voice til they move. They always look so surprised, what someone else might want to go down this aisle. Yeah in a supermarket fancy that.
There are always people like that whether in a supermarket, office or pub or wherever and then they act surprised or get angry when you just want them to stop being such selfish tIn reality i settle for saying 'excuse me' in shouty voice til they move. They always look so surprised, what someone else might want to go down this aisle. Yeah in a supermarket fancy that.
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