Men starting a family over 40
Discussion
In the fortunate position to have a great missus and she wants a family but not in the next 3 years. In 3 years time I'm going to be 45 and not that keen to start all that malarkey. Has anyone done this? Would like to hear any experiences, good or bad. Especially with regard to career, energy levels, hobbies etc
I was just under 40 when my daughter was born. I was a little unsure about having children (my parents didn’t set a shinning example) but it was by far the best thing that has happened to me. Despite the difficulties I’ve loved every stage from babyhood up to now, where she is blossoming into a young lady. Although I haven’t had to deal with boyfriends yet.
Of course it does restrict your own activities and hobbies but then you get to do things together with your children that you wouldn’t otherwise and for me at least I wouldn’t forgo the love and enjoyment for a bit of extra free time but not everyone is the same. My father as an example should never have been a parent.
Children do suck up a lot of money and you might find that you need to keep working longer than you might want.
Key point is that if your wife wants kids and you don’t (and so you don’t have one) that is likely to kill your relationship at some point.
Of course it does restrict your own activities and hobbies but then you get to do things together with your children that you wouldn’t otherwise and for me at least I wouldn’t forgo the love and enjoyment for a bit of extra free time but not everyone is the same. My father as an example should never have been a parent.
Children do suck up a lot of money and you might find that you need to keep working longer than you might want.
Key point is that if your wife wants kids and you don’t (and so you don’t have one) that is likely to kill your relationship at some point.
I had three kids already but, due to my ignorance of the effect baby oil can have on latex, my youngest was born when I was 40, some 8 years after the previous eldest.
The one thing that sticks in my mind is that I had so much more time to be with him. With my younger three, I was working all the hours I could, doing 12-14 hour days and working all but three days a month. All of a sudden, now I was settled in my job, I could be a full part of his life.
When he was 12 he took up rugby and I was able to follow him, now that I was financially settled. When he took it up seriously, I went all over the country in support of him. Mind you, with a 2.8 litre petrol-engined E-Class Merc, the financial stability took a knock. Mind you, the drive back to Rottingdean from the Gower one wet Friday night in February, then into Saturday, was not my favourite memory. I did 90-95 most of the way and got a fraction of 17 mpg.
My attitude was different as well. I was more laid back.
I'd a lot of experience with kids, which went a long way to help, but from my point of view, there's nothing against it and everything for it.
My wife reckons that the only downside is that we (she mainly) are unlikely to see his newly born daughter married.
We've been told by friends of our age that we have a younger outlook than they do. I'm not sure what they mean, but we've been presented with modern mores and attitudes to gays, racial minorities and such, are those of a generation or so before us. Our younger daughter's closest male friend was gay and we thought nothing of it. A great bloke with a terrific sense of humour.
He was exhausting, but no more so than the other kids. The elder two were born 20 months apart, and that knackered us. The only plus side is that I was so brain dead at the time that I can't remember just how bad it was.
Go for it. I would not have had it any other way.
The one thing that sticks in my mind is that I had so much more time to be with him. With my younger three, I was working all the hours I could, doing 12-14 hour days and working all but three days a month. All of a sudden, now I was settled in my job, I could be a full part of his life.
When he was 12 he took up rugby and I was able to follow him, now that I was financially settled. When he took it up seriously, I went all over the country in support of him. Mind you, with a 2.8 litre petrol-engined E-Class Merc, the financial stability took a knock. Mind you, the drive back to Rottingdean from the Gower one wet Friday night in February, then into Saturday, was not my favourite memory. I did 90-95 most of the way and got a fraction of 17 mpg.
My attitude was different as well. I was more laid back.
I'd a lot of experience with kids, which went a long way to help, but from my point of view, there's nothing against it and everything for it.
My wife reckons that the only downside is that we (she mainly) are unlikely to see his newly born daughter married.
We've been told by friends of our age that we have a younger outlook than they do. I'm not sure what they mean, but we've been presented with modern mores and attitudes to gays, racial minorities and such, are those of a generation or so before us. Our younger daughter's closest male friend was gay and we thought nothing of it. A great bloke with a terrific sense of humour.
He was exhausting, but no more so than the other kids. The elder two were born 20 months apart, and that knackered us. The only plus side is that I was so brain dead at the time that I can't remember just how bad it was.
Go for it. I would not have had it any other way.
We had our first child, a daughter when I was 38 and our son when I was 40.
When I was 41 I ended up being a single parent for a couple of years and then after a bit of a gap became a single parent again for the last six years.
It's hard work and sometimes exhausting.
I'm now in my 50s, but wouldn't have it any other way.
When I was 41 I ended up being a single parent for a couple of years and then after a bit of a gap became a single parent again for the last six years.
It's hard work and sometimes exhausting.
I'm now in my 50s, but wouldn't have it any other way.
Apology to sound clinical, but the deciding factor is usually the woman as female fertility usually drops like a cliff after mid 30's. Yes, we found out after making a late decision in life to have kids, and only succeeded thanks to IVF. Without knowing your missus age, a 3 years delay could cause unnecessary heartache. There are measures available (freeze eggs or embryo for use later but no guarantees they will succeed), but these are usually self funded.
Pm me if you want to discuss /details.
My parents (both 39 when I was born) were old enough to be my first wife's grandparents. I was constantly aware through school that my mum and dad were 15-20 years older than those of my friends.
This was a lomg time ago (I'm 50 now), and the average age of parents may well have risen since, so it might not be so stark today.
This was a lomg time ago (I'm 50 now), and the average age of parents may well have risen since, so it might not be so stark today.
chip* said:
Apology to sound clinical, but the deciding factor is usually the woman as female fertility usually drops like a cliff after mid 30's. Yes, we found out after making a late decision in life to have kids, and only succeeded thanks to IVF. Without knowing your missus age, a 3 years delay could cause unnecessary heartache. There are measures available (freeze eggs or embryo for use later but no guarantees they will succeed), but these are usually self funded.
Pm me if you want to discuss /details.
She's 26 so this is all on me. Pm me if you want to discuss /details.
308mate said:
chip* said:
Apology to sound clinical, but the deciding factor is usually the woman as female fertility usually drops like a cliff after mid 30's. Yes, we found out after making a late decision in life to have kids, and only succeeded thanks to IVF. Without knowing your missus age, a 3 years delay could cause unnecessary heartache. There are measures available (freeze eggs or embryo for use later but no guarantees they will succeed), but these are usually self funded.
Pm me if you want to discuss /details.
She's 26 so this is all on me. Pm me if you want to discuss /details.
In our group of friends my wife and I are the youngest couple - We had our first when I was 27.
Most in our group were early/mid 40’s when they started.
There hasnt been a noticeable difference between them and us as far as activities, hobbies, work life etc.
I do think its odd, when my youngest is 18 i will be 48, where as one of my best friends will be 66!
Most in our group were early/mid 40’s when they started.
There hasnt been a noticeable difference between them and us as far as activities, hobbies, work life etc.
I do think its odd, when my youngest is 18 i will be 48, where as one of my best friends will be 66!
Mr MXT said:
308mate said:
chip* said:
Apology to sound clinical, but the deciding factor is usually the woman as female fertility usually drops like a cliff after mid 30's. Yes, we found out after making a late decision in life to have kids, and only succeeded thanks to IVF. Without knowing your missus age, a 3 years delay could cause unnecessary heartache. There are measures available (freeze eggs or embryo for use later but no guarantees they will succeed), but these are usually self funded.
Pm me if you want to discuss /details.
She's 26 so this is all on me. Pm me if you want to discuss /details.
Don't normally open up quite this much on a public forum, but in the spirit of helping anyone (OP or not), I was 39 when my son was born.
I've been with MrsJ44esd since 2000, 9 years of that were spent trying for children with no medical reason why it wouldn't happen, we could get pregnant, but sadly could not carry past 3 months.
We were lucky, and got some IVF funding for three rounds - the medical ideology being that even though there was no reason she couldn't carry, that the IVF medication might help 'stabilise' the process.
It didn't work.
So I sold my 911, my CLK and my Cooper S and paid for more.
Attempt 5 resulted in the birth of my Son, who is now 18mths old.
You might be wondering what the point of this rambling post is...
My point, he is the most special, wonderful, sweetest person in the world and worth every sacrifice and every heartbreak.
I don't feel my age, I feel half it (the mirror may disagree) and OP - you'll feel the same - if you truly want to have kids, you'll be there for them and make it work and enjoy every moment - so the very best of luck to you!
Tldr - if you have space in your heart to love and time in your life to learn, you'll love being a parent, whatever your age. I wouldn't change a thing, and the older parent thing was taken out of my hands.
I've been with MrsJ44esd since 2000, 9 years of that were spent trying for children with no medical reason why it wouldn't happen, we could get pregnant, but sadly could not carry past 3 months.
We were lucky, and got some IVF funding for three rounds - the medical ideology being that even though there was no reason she couldn't carry, that the IVF medication might help 'stabilise' the process.
It didn't work.
So I sold my 911, my CLK and my Cooper S and paid for more.
Attempt 5 resulted in the birth of my Son, who is now 18mths old.
You might be wondering what the point of this rambling post is...
My point, he is the most special, wonderful, sweetest person in the world and worth every sacrifice and every heartbreak.
I don't feel my age, I feel half it (the mirror may disagree) and OP - you'll feel the same - if you truly want to have kids, you'll be there for them and make it work and enjoy every moment - so the very best of luck to you!
Tldr - if you have space in your heart to love and time in your life to learn, you'll love being a parent, whatever your age. I wouldn't change a thing, and the older parent thing was taken out of my hands.
we waited until our careers were established so there was no worry of a slow down career-wise and being stuck in the middle of the pack of youngsters so to speak like many of our friends.
Do I regret traveling the world with my career for several years until it was time to try instead of having them in my youth.... Nope.
At the age of 41 my son was born and he is a screaming raptor sounding bundle of joy, I hate I still work early and get back only for the last 90-129 mins of his day, but I love his smile when he holds out his hands demanding a hug.
Hes 7 months old now.
(we are lucky that we are relatively healthy and can count the number of times we have been to GPs on 2 hands for anything.)
Do I regret traveling the world with my career for several years until it was time to try instead of having them in my youth.... Nope.
At the age of 41 my son was born and he is a screaming raptor sounding bundle of joy, I hate I still work early and get back only for the last 90-129 mins of his day, but I love his smile when he holds out his hands demanding a hug.
Hes 7 months old now.
(we are lucky that we are relatively healthy and can count the number of times we have been to GPs on 2 hands for anything.)
My dad was 26 when I was born and there isn't a significant enough generational difference between us that it's obvious. He's my best friend.
I had my son at 27 who is now 12 and we have a close relationship and importantly I'm not too old in mind and body that we are distant in outlook and attitudes. It's also good I have the physical health to still be superman to him.
If I was pushing 60 when my son was in his teenage years, would it be the same as what I have now? Not sure.
I had my son at 27 who is now 12 and we have a close relationship and importantly I'm not too old in mind and body that we are distant in outlook and attitudes. It's also good I have the physical health to still be superman to him.
If I was pushing 60 when my son was in his teenage years, would it be the same as what I have now? Not sure.
Edited by Uggers on Monday 16th March 20:09
I wouldn’t say age itself is a concern but you really need to want a baby for it to work.
I was 44 when mine was born.
It doesn’t take much, like not sleeping or being able to breast feed, to cause a world of stress.
Most people I know have very straightforward babies but if you don’t it’s lots more effort and stress.
Don’t underestimate the cost and time commitments either. You won’t be eating out or probably going out for any length of time for months if not years if it doesn’t sleep and you have to plan naps carefully.
I was 44 when mine was born.
It doesn’t take much, like not sleeping or being able to breast feed, to cause a world of stress.
Most people I know have very straightforward babies but if you don’t it’s lots more effort and stress.
Don’t underestimate the cost and time commitments either. You won’t be eating out or probably going out for any length of time for months if not years if it doesn’t sleep and you have to plan naps carefully.
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