Curing a hoarder.
Discussion
My wife is a hoarder. She won't throw anything away.
I've tried to help her clean the house today and it has depressed me. Every cupboard, nook and cranny is stuffed. Where no storage is left, neat piles have started to form.
Now, none of this stuff is proper rubbish. But not anything that needs keeping.
For example, the piano stool hinges were being forced because it was over-stuffed. Included in the crap within were three recorders. Our children haven't played a recorder for YEARS. I protested that they should be thrown away, but got the response "you can't throw away something like that, it's too good".
We have started to store clothing for charity in the loft, because the charity shops are closed. I have remonstrated that the charities will be inundated when they reopen. But again ""you can't throw away something like that, it's too good".
I am thinking of withholding my cleaning labour until she bins at least enough stuff that I can hoover the whole floor.
I gather from my father in law that her mother is the same. I wonder whether it is genetic.
Does anyone else have this problem? Is there a solution?
I've tried to help her clean the house today and it has depressed me. Every cupboard, nook and cranny is stuffed. Where no storage is left, neat piles have started to form.
Now, none of this stuff is proper rubbish. But not anything that needs keeping.
For example, the piano stool hinges were being forced because it was over-stuffed. Included in the crap within were three recorders. Our children haven't played a recorder for YEARS. I protested that they should be thrown away, but got the response "you can't throw away something like that, it's too good".
We have started to store clothing for charity in the loft, because the charity shops are closed. I have remonstrated that the charities will be inundated when they reopen. But again ""you can't throw away something like that, it's too good".
I am thinking of withholding my cleaning labour until she bins at least enough stuff that I can hoover the whole floor.
I gather from my father in law that her mother is the same. I wonder whether it is genetic.
Does anyone else have this problem? Is there a solution?
I don't know the answer, but my dad was a bit of a hoarder in the sense that he would always keep things 'just in case'. Nothing was thrown, ever. He would even tap out the nails from wood, straighten them out and keep them in his odds 'n' sods box. As I grew older I put it down to some kind of post war mentality... but then his wife (my step mother) discovered boot sales.
There house was packed, wall-to-wall and floor-to-ceiling with stuff. Bric-a-brac. Anything bought for pennies. Or found. Or discarded by others. It would make me feel ill when I used to visit.
There house was packed, wall-to-wall and floor-to-ceiling with stuff. Bric-a-brac. Anything bought for pennies. Or found. Or discarded by others. It would make me feel ill when I used to visit.
I guess you first need to know why things are being hoarded, as in are they all linked to the children, or at least what the theme is. Is it hoarding as in going out to collect stuff to keep or just wanting to keep Day to day lifestyle stuff?
I would think that someone who tends to hoard day to day stuff is easier to steer than someone who specifically brings stuff home? I’ve a friend who collects and hoards children’s outside toys. He does this almost certainly because his mother sadly died when he was young and his father is an academic so zero connection with the real world. The net result was that he raised himself and his sister and with no money because his father didn’t understand what humans were and that young humans required some basic form of attention or at least toys, he used to collect old toys, clean and mend them and give them to his sister.
I don’t think you can stop deeply ingrained stuff like that and his wife has managed to turn it into something positive which is that he carries on collecting and fixing but she will process them in big batches to children’s charities.
From our perspective it has an amusement to it as he is basically better dressed and spoken than Prince William but lives his like in skips.
My guess is that it is hard to stop something ingrained from childhood but that it can be steered towards being less destructive for all involved.
I’m sure there are websites to help people living with a hoarder but as you mention that she does give stuff to charity shops and seem to suggest that it is all domestically produced rather than specifically accumulated from outside then I wonder if it is at the easier end to resolve?
Maybe focus on buying less stuff so as to slow down the rate of growth? Come up with some £saved for £spent savings plan, steer the disposable income away from tat procurement if that’s a contributing factor? Then design a three stage storage/management system defined by ‘keep for life to be buried with’, ‘to charity, eBay, gumtree, freecycle, bin for sure’ and a limbo ‘not yet sure’ grey bin.
I run this three stage system for ourselves, not because we are hoarders but because we actually don’t like clutter so we basically have a three stage system to process stuff. We’ve had to do this because of the vast amount of junk children produce but it was already loosely in place to deal with Christmas/birthday and inheritance items. We have plenty of spare space but I don’t want tonnes of junk at the end of days to deal with or my children to have to deal with.
Ultimately, as with all of these things, I assume it has to start with a gentle but frank conversation but with a plan in the background?
I would think that someone who tends to hoard day to day stuff is easier to steer than someone who specifically brings stuff home? I’ve a friend who collects and hoards children’s outside toys. He does this almost certainly because his mother sadly died when he was young and his father is an academic so zero connection with the real world. The net result was that he raised himself and his sister and with no money because his father didn’t understand what humans were and that young humans required some basic form of attention or at least toys, he used to collect old toys, clean and mend them and give them to his sister.
I don’t think you can stop deeply ingrained stuff like that and his wife has managed to turn it into something positive which is that he carries on collecting and fixing but she will process them in big batches to children’s charities.
From our perspective it has an amusement to it as he is basically better dressed and spoken than Prince William but lives his like in skips.
My guess is that it is hard to stop something ingrained from childhood but that it can be steered towards being less destructive for all involved.
I’m sure there are websites to help people living with a hoarder but as you mention that she does give stuff to charity shops and seem to suggest that it is all domestically produced rather than specifically accumulated from outside then I wonder if it is at the easier end to resolve?
Maybe focus on buying less stuff so as to slow down the rate of growth? Come up with some £saved for £spent savings plan, steer the disposable income away from tat procurement if that’s a contributing factor? Then design a three stage storage/management system defined by ‘keep for life to be buried with’, ‘to charity, eBay, gumtree, freecycle, bin for sure’ and a limbo ‘not yet sure’ grey bin.
I run this three stage system for ourselves, not because we are hoarders but because we actually don’t like clutter so we basically have a three stage system to process stuff. We’ve had to do this because of the vast amount of junk children produce but it was already loosely in place to deal with Christmas/birthday and inheritance items. We have plenty of spare space but I don’t want tonnes of junk at the end of days to deal with or my children to have to deal with.
Ultimately, as with all of these things, I assume it has to start with a gentle but frank conversation but with a plan in the background?
We all hoard in some small way, even if it is just our grown up childrens toys that they have discarded.
When it comes to a point when things you have no connection to are starting to pile up and a relationship is suffering it is time to take stock.
Explain to her gently that it is affecting your lives and that maybe it is time to let go some of it.
Perhaps suggesting you start on a room by basis would help soften the blow?
When it comes to a point when things you have no connection to are starting to pile up and a relationship is suffering it is time to take stock.
Explain to her gently that it is affecting your lives and that maybe it is time to let go some of it.
Perhaps suggesting you start on a room by basis would help soften the blow?
My mum is like this and it drives me mad.
Never puts things away, you do the shopping for her (She is elderly) and bits are still on the counter days later, she went through a phase of ordering tat from the web, guess what... basement cupboard filled to the brim, got it all out, was all damp and damaged, thrwon away.
Never puts things away, you do the shopping for her (She is elderly) and bits are still on the counter days later, she went through a phase of ordering tat from the web, guess what... basement cupboard filled to the brim, got it all out, was all damp and damaged, thrwon away.
I think now is a very bad time to be trying to have a clear-out! Once the lockdown is lifted, I'd be looking at ebay or a local facebook forum thing for anything of significant value and something like freecycle for everything "too good to throw out" gbut not worth actually selling.
I tend to be like this with DIY stuff. I have shelves and shelves of bits of wood, screws, bolts, tools I bought for one job and will probably never use again, etc. which I have no particular use for but don't want to throw out. Fortunately I also have a large amount of storage space in the garage for them. I did manage to bring myself to sell my plasterboard lift after I finished the extension, though.
I tend to be like this with DIY stuff. I have shelves and shelves of bits of wood, screws, bolts, tools I bought for one job and will probably never use again, etc. which I have no particular use for but don't want to throw out. Fortunately I also have a large amount of storage space in the garage for them. I did manage to bring myself to sell my plasterboard lift after I finished the extension, though.
Edited by kambites on Monday 18th May 09:01
Ebay? With a lot of folk at home, a lot more stuff has appeared, you'll be surprised what people will pay for 'tat.' Recycling and / or getting some money for it could be used as an incentive.
The recorders are light enough and small enough to be fairly cheap to post. Although some parents may not want their little ones 'practising' a new instrument at the moment .................
The recorders are light enough and small enough to be fairly cheap to post. Although some parents may not want their little ones 'practising' a new instrument at the moment .................
I'm a massive hoarder and recently downloaded a free kindle book called -
Declutter your life: How outer order leads to inner calm by Gill Hasson.
I'm only up to chapter 4 as I thought it would be a good idea to get rid of some stuff before I moved onto further chapters.
I managed to recycle/shred some paperwork and recycled most of this years travel brochures. It's going to be a long process for me.
Declutter your life: How outer order leads to inner calm by Gill Hasson.
I'm only up to chapter 4 as I thought it would be a good idea to get rid of some stuff before I moved onto further chapters.
I managed to recycle/shred some paperwork and recycled most of this years travel brochures. It's going to be a long process for me.
If it's not wanting to just bin something that has a use, charity shops and ebay are your answer. But you need to both understand what's going on. And nip it in the bud ASAP.
My in-laws are hoarders. FIL is the "that might come in useful someday" type, which isn't TOO much of a problem as he's not buying more in, and they have loads of storage. MIL bought 98 plastic bins (no lids) because they were only £2 each in bulk. Food is kept for YEARS after it was last good, they no longer have a couple of dogs/cats, it's just a single cloud of animal that greets you. Bread is bought by the dozen sacks. That's not a sack with a dozen loaves, that's one dozen sacks of bread for the geese, which mostly ends up going off. Another car was bought for some reason, despite the fact they have 5 or 6 sat there rotting. At one point I'm sure she bought so much reduced bargain food, she also had to buy another freezer to put it in.
We tried to help, but all it did was cause a rift in the family for about a year (thankfully OK now though). It's like helping an addict. If they want to improve, you can assist them as they improve. But if not, you can't and you're the bad guy. My wife has reached the point of "f
k it, they're adults, we tried our best"
My in-laws are hoarders. FIL is the "that might come in useful someday" type, which isn't TOO much of a problem as he's not buying more in, and they have loads of storage. MIL bought 98 plastic bins (no lids) because they were only £2 each in bulk. Food is kept for YEARS after it was last good, they no longer have a couple of dogs/cats, it's just a single cloud of animal that greets you. Bread is bought by the dozen sacks. That's not a sack with a dozen loaves, that's one dozen sacks of bread for the geese, which mostly ends up going off. Another car was bought for some reason, despite the fact they have 5 or 6 sat there rotting. At one point I'm sure she bought so much reduced bargain food, she also had to buy another freezer to put it in.
We tried to help, but all it did was cause a rift in the family for about a year (thankfully OK now though). It's like helping an addict. If they want to improve, you can assist them as they improve. But if not, you can't and you're the bad guy. My wife has reached the point of "f
k it, they're adults, we tried our best"SAS Tom said:
Used to work with someone like this. You’d fix something and he’d want to keep the broken part. He never wanted to throw anything away even if he had no plan to use it.
Hoarders? You lot think that a few clothes is hoarders? You need to meet my dad.It's is absolutely nuts, and it's utterly selfish - my poor mother has to live and try and work around these conditions.
He won't chuck anything away - takes a car to the garage and has - for example - a shock absorber replaced - he comes home with a manky worn out shock absorber. Broken stuff, won't get rid. He's got a worn out clutch plate from his 1983 Landcruiser. The house is ceiling high in stuff that need selling or just taking to the tip.
They had a load of building work done about five years ago - all windows and doors replaced. He wouldn't let them take the old ones away so now there are loads of old wooden frames (and it's a big house) stacked up, rotting. Same with carpets, roof tiles - ANYTHING.
I replaced his wiper blades for him last year - tried to take the old one to my house to dispose of as I knew he'd take it out of his own bin. He was beside himself, in tears. I ended up giving him the wiper blade.
Had a load of trees cut down in the garden. He wanted the logs for some reason (they don't have a log fire). So they're all stacked up in the garden - two foot thick logs, tons of the stuff.
Then there is all the new stuff - he keeps buying tools etc - so he has 3 or 4 chain saws, several sliding circular saws, jigsaws, drills, welders (he can't and never has welded), angle grinders (must have ten of them!) blah blah blah - you name it. Boxed. Unused. The stuff is piled high. He's now too old and too infirm to use it.
How about concrete mixers. 3 of them. THREE. Brand new. Have never been used, will never be used. I use a mixer regularly, but he wouldn't lend me one "in case you get it dirty", so I ended up buying my own (in fact the majority of tools I have are duplicates of things that he has three or four unused examples of - they live almost round the corner).
My poor mum has simply given up - he is beyond reason. It's utter selfishness on his part - we had to suffer as kids and he's never changed. And when he eventually passes away we are going to have all this stuff to get rid of - it will take literally months, full time.
Rest of you on here - bloody amateurs!
ETA: and I forgot to mention - VIDEOTAPES!"!!! How bad can it be, I hear you ask. He used to record EVERYTHING (or so it seemed). He actually had several video recorders back in the day so he could record multiple things at once. There are thousands upon thousands of tapes, all stacked in boxes, in the loft, our old bedrooms. You name it. Even worse we dont' know what is on said tapes - he won't deface the stick on labels so if you are lucky you would get a bit of ripped off newspaper with the program and date stuffed in the cassette box. Tapes were never erased - I once recorded over something and copped for the worst beating of my childhood many years ago. Similarly similar things happened with audio cassettes. He moved into the 21st century and got a Virgin Tivo - can you guess the problem. Recorded a load of stuff and filled the hard disc; however he won't erase what's on the hard disc so for several years the Tivo has been nothing but a cable "tuner". Digital hoarding.
Some of you are going to suggest some form of mental help. Forget it.
Edited by Dog Star on Monday 18th May 10:13
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