Advice for someone who's never had friends?
Discussion
The rest of the country is getting excited about returning to normal as lockdown starts to lift, and I am facing the realisation that I am a 43 year old man with no friends, minimal acquaintances, and regardless of how many people BoJo lets us picnic with next week, nothing will change for me. The compressed, stultifying, lonely world that has had most people climbing the walls and despairing of their mental health for the last two months has been my life for the last thirty years.
I want to be able to enjoy beer gardens, and plan holidays, and look forward to nights out. I’d love to have Zoom fatigue, and be worrying about which people were top of the list to allow into my bubble. My attempts to set up online meets with some professional colleagues have all been gently, but consistently, rebuffed, and I realise how completely alone I am, and more than anything I fear I am too late to fix it. I grieve for a life I’ve never lived – no stag dos, lads holidays, shared experiences of any kinds to reminisce over.
No matter what stage of life I was in, I have always found it impossible to make any sort of meaningful connection with people. Those I considered my friends at school or university soon faded away as we moved apart, despite any efforts I made to stay in touch. I fit in well at work and love chatting to people, but not one professional acquaintance has outlasted a change in employer or even a change in role. Because of some fairly complex caring responsibilities I live in a quiet town and don’t have much free time for extra-curricular activities right now, but my struggles have been apparent even when I did have freedom to come and go as I chose. I was always on the outside of any group; last to be invited, first to get dropped.
It feels like I’ve been failing for so long that I have no realistic chance of success now, multiple factors are conspiring against me ever making good friends. People in my age bracket either have all of the friends they need, and don’t have time for any more. (Or there is often a good reason or three why they don’t have any!) Also, when I do spark up a conversation with someone my well runs dry pretty quickly – my life is so empty that I have nothing to talk about beyond something I might have watched on TV, so I just can’t hold people’s interest. If I do make time to get out, then turning up at things alone seems to be a massive redflag to a lot of people, and while I can see groups of people who seem to naturally mingle with each other, it's almost impossible for a lone person to "break into" a group.
Anyone who is still reading is probably thinking “Aspergers” right now, and I suspect you’d be right! I do have some minor traits of this, but my continued failure to build friendships seems vastly out of proportion with my distance along the ASD spectrum. I’ve been to therapy, and gave it up when the guy basically told me “you’re smart and hilarious and great to talk to, I can’t see any problems I can fix here”. ASD self help books or textbooks seem to focus on identifying problems that sufferers might face, but I have found very little material about work-arounds or fixes.
I am desperately lonely, and would welcome any advice or success stories from people who have found themselves in a similar position.
I want to be able to enjoy beer gardens, and plan holidays, and look forward to nights out. I’d love to have Zoom fatigue, and be worrying about which people were top of the list to allow into my bubble. My attempts to set up online meets with some professional colleagues have all been gently, but consistently, rebuffed, and I realise how completely alone I am, and more than anything I fear I am too late to fix it. I grieve for a life I’ve never lived – no stag dos, lads holidays, shared experiences of any kinds to reminisce over.
No matter what stage of life I was in, I have always found it impossible to make any sort of meaningful connection with people. Those I considered my friends at school or university soon faded away as we moved apart, despite any efforts I made to stay in touch. I fit in well at work and love chatting to people, but not one professional acquaintance has outlasted a change in employer or even a change in role. Because of some fairly complex caring responsibilities I live in a quiet town and don’t have much free time for extra-curricular activities right now, but my struggles have been apparent even when I did have freedom to come and go as I chose. I was always on the outside of any group; last to be invited, first to get dropped.
It feels like I’ve been failing for so long that I have no realistic chance of success now, multiple factors are conspiring against me ever making good friends. People in my age bracket either have all of the friends they need, and don’t have time for any more. (Or there is often a good reason or three why they don’t have any!) Also, when I do spark up a conversation with someone my well runs dry pretty quickly – my life is so empty that I have nothing to talk about beyond something I might have watched on TV, so I just can’t hold people’s interest. If I do make time to get out, then turning up at things alone seems to be a massive redflag to a lot of people, and while I can see groups of people who seem to naturally mingle with each other, it's almost impossible for a lone person to "break into" a group.
Anyone who is still reading is probably thinking “Aspergers” right now, and I suspect you’d be right! I do have some minor traits of this, but my continued failure to build friendships seems vastly out of proportion with my distance along the ASD spectrum. I’ve been to therapy, and gave it up when the guy basically told me “you’re smart and hilarious and great to talk to, I can’t see any problems I can fix here”. ASD self help books or textbooks seem to focus on identifying problems that sufferers might face, but I have found very little material about work-arounds or fixes.
I am desperately lonely, and would welcome any advice or success stories from people who have found themselves in a similar position.
Picking up on one part of what you have said about your responsibilites to provide a significant amount of care to someone, which takes up a lot of your physical time and I expect even more of your "mental" time if you have worries about them to deal with as well.
There are a lot of charities and groups out there who offer the kind of support that is needed for carers such as yourself, because you need time to yourself for exactly the reasons that you specify, and there are probably more people than you realise who are in that same boat
There are a lot of charities and groups out there who offer the kind of support that is needed for carers such as yourself, because you need time to yourself for exactly the reasons that you specify, and there are probably more people than you realise who are in that same boat
not sure if totally helpful, but i have started volunteering for a charity called independent age, currently offering phone calls weekly to lonely people, though once safe to do so, i will do face to face catch ups for a brew and a chat,
ive only been doing it for 2 weeks and have mad 4 calls to a guy who reached out as he was lonely - hes already told me that he feels happier and more outgoing since speaking to me, which in turn has boosted his confidence to get out when safe to do so and meet new people and join some clubs.
Just a thought.
ive only been doing it for 2 weeks and have mad 4 calls to a guy who reached out as he was lonely - hes already told me that he feels happier and more outgoing since speaking to me, which in turn has boosted his confidence to get out when safe to do so and meet new people and join some clubs.
Just a thought.
You're not alone in a modern world where more and more people have fewer and fewer proper friends.
In your situation, if you truly want it to change, you're going to have to make a lot of effort but be prepared to be rebuffed a lot. This is really hard.
Be the guy who's phoning up an old colleague for a catch up, stick your neck out and invite people out for a pint, go to social clubs and get to know people.
Cast your net wide - don't just focus on one group or a couple of people, meet, talk to and interact with as many people as you can.
Do you have a partner? If so, what's their social circle like?
In your situation, if you truly want it to change, you're going to have to make a lot of effort but be prepared to be rebuffed a lot. This is really hard.
Be the guy who's phoning up an old colleague for a catch up, stick your neck out and invite people out for a pint, go to social clubs and get to know people.
Cast your net wide - don't just focus on one group or a couple of people, meet, talk to and interact with as many people as you can.
Do you have a partner? If so, what's their social circle like?
What the previous Peter has suggested, hobbies, and not ones that you can do on your own.
I was like you (hence the username), and was worried when I moved to s new area, but cycling, being in a band, volunteering locally have all brought me new friends. I'm not down the pub every night, but I know I can now walk in (if they were open) and there'd be someone I know I can chat with
I was like you (hence the username), and was worried when I moved to s new area, but cycling, being in a band, volunteering locally have all brought me new friends. I'm not down the pub every night, but I know I can now walk in (if they were open) and there'd be someone I know I can chat with
I could've written this myself except I'm 10 years younger and in the fortunate position to have a wonderful partner and a 11 month old. I've literally got no friends whatsoever and had very little through school, what I did have we soon drifted apart when leaving. I can't strike up any sort of conversation as hard as I try, head just goes blank.
I'm definitely on some kind of spectrum. Always struggled with anxiety which doesn't help matters and joining a local group is impossible for me, I'd have a full on panic attack just before going so wouldn't go.
I've come to the conclusion I'm happy with my own company and make the most of spending time with family.
I'm definitely on some kind of spectrum. Always struggled with anxiety which doesn't help matters and joining a local group is impossible for me, I'd have a full on panic attack just before going so wouldn't go.
I've come to the conclusion I'm happy with my own company and make the most of spending time with family.
Get a hobby, join a group. It could be sport, charity, fishing, photography, extreme ironing, anything. There are groups, societies and clubs for just about any pastime.
For example, I joined a golf society a few years back. I'm not much good and sometimes I come last but it's always good to see the guys. Some are friendlier than others but they're all good to spend time with for a few hours a month.
Another example is a friend joined the Round Table and has regular activities, sometimes for cjarity, other times just for fun. Those guys seem especially welcoming to new members.
For example, I joined a golf society a few years back. I'm not much good and sometimes I come last but it's always good to see the guys. Some are friendlier than others but they're all good to spend time with for a few hours a month.
Another example is a friend joined the Round Table and has regular activities, sometimes for cjarity, other times just for fun. Those guys seem especially welcoming to new members.
This broke my heart when I read it. Some people can be alone but not lonely. If you know what I mean? If you haven’t already, I would recommend getting a dog. It’s amazing how many people you can meet and strike up friendships with when out with your dog. You’ve straight away got something in common with fellow dog owners. If you’re not able to own a dog, consider walking someone else’s dog. There’s probably someone close by who would be grateful for you to do this.
When things are back to normal why not join a local club (amateur dramatics, art, snooker or darts). Even if you’re not keen on participating in the amdram, you could maybe help with making the sets, or anything else they need help with. Make the lifting of the lockdown be a fresh start for you, and get out there. HTH.
When things are back to normal why not join a local club (amateur dramatics, art, snooker or darts). Even if you’re not keen on participating in the amdram, you could maybe help with making the sets, or anything else they need help with. Make the lifting of the lockdown be a fresh start for you, and get out there. HTH.
Hobby has to be the top of the list, let's face it we're all boring when we're talking to people who share none of our interests.
Do you have a local pub? That's also a great place to start - you don't even have to drink there. The guy who's often life of the party at our village local has been sober for years! You'll always find people going there alone too, our local has about 30% 'loners' in it, 50% 'couples' and rest families on an an average daytime, but swings much more towards loners and couples on a night obviously. A good bar team will identify people who are on their own and not actively interacting and should/will strike up conversation with you, that often gets other people involved too.
Do you have a local pub? That's also a great place to start - you don't even have to drink there. The guy who's often life of the party at our village local has been sober for years! You'll always find people going there alone too, our local has about 30% 'loners' in it, 50% 'couples' and rest families on an an average daytime, but swings much more towards loners and couples on a night obviously. A good bar team will identify people who are on their own and not actively interacting and should/will strike up conversation with you, that often gets other people involved too.
A small proportion of acquaintances may mature into meaningful friendships organically over time, they only really require you to be genuine and willing to spend some time.
A shared interest tends to provide both a commonality and some kind of structure which results in somewhat regular meet-ups.
A frequently used but very true cliché is "be yourself", In my opinion making too much effort or trying to be something or somebody else tends to stink and it's just not necessary.
I think you should focus on your own self esteem. Learn to love yourself and to recognize your qualities and small every day achievements.
Poor self confidence leaves you constantly insecure about whether people 'really want' or 'really like' you / spending time with you, which is quite debilitating because it leads to you saying 'no' to things, making excuses, appearing 'flaky'- and it inflicts those same thoughts upon your potential friends (because the desire to be wanted and not to be rejected exists naturally in pretty much everyone)
You must first have a healthy relationship with yourself.
I spent many years preoccupied with my own perceived relative unpopularity, but it all just began to click when I became more comfortable with myself. I feel strongly that people can sense falseness, which somehow appears to be more off-putting than a lot of overt negative attributes.
What do you need to make friends? you just need to be there.
A shared interest tends to provide both a commonality and some kind of structure which results in somewhat regular meet-ups.
A frequently used but very true cliché is "be yourself", In my opinion making too much effort or trying to be something or somebody else tends to stink and it's just not necessary.
I think you should focus on your own self esteem. Learn to love yourself and to recognize your qualities and small every day achievements.
Poor self confidence leaves you constantly insecure about whether people 'really want' or 'really like' you / spending time with you, which is quite debilitating because it leads to you saying 'no' to things, making excuses, appearing 'flaky'- and it inflicts those same thoughts upon your potential friends (because the desire to be wanted and not to be rejected exists naturally in pretty much everyone)
You must first have a healthy relationship with yourself.
I spent many years preoccupied with my own perceived relative unpopularity, but it all just began to click when I became more comfortable with myself. I feel strongly that people can sense falseness, which somehow appears to be more off-putting than a lot of overt negative attributes.
What do you need to make friends? you just need to be there.
As mentioned above start a hobby, or sport or activity or join a group that interests you and isn't one that is done completely alone.
Most will have some sort of social aspect attached and with a common interest you'll no doubt find it easier to integrate, to converse, to chat and mix with people. Don't feel pressure to make friends but allow relationships to foster and develops over time.
It's not too late, it's harder now at your age I agree, but not impossible by any stretch.
Most will have some sort of social aspect attached and with a common interest you'll no doubt find it easier to integrate, to converse, to chat and mix with people. Don't feel pressure to make friends but allow relationships to foster and develops over time.
It's not too late, it's harder now at your age I agree, but not impossible by any stretch.
What to do
Take a look at whatever is happening in your local area – say a 20 mile radius
Am-dram – they always want back-of-stage help. Have paint brush –will travel – that sort of thing. Most am-dram groups are desperate for male “actors”, and some groups can’t put on productions with a male cast as they just can’t get the number of men to take part. It attracts a certain “sort” though… no matter how strange you think you are- you will never be feeling out of place amongst those who do am-dram…
Meetup. https://www.meetup.com/, I've been a creator of 2 groups and I’ve been in it for 10 years, so I can give chapter and verse on this.
Local politics, although it must be said that the younger more attractive ones tend to lean left - but not always...
Night school/adult learning.
Go to your local library and see what’s happening on the notice board.
Your local church – hmmm….
Local sports clubs- there must be something that appeals.
Your local car club(s) - they always want volunteers.
Marshalling at track side.
Contact a local race/rally team and offer to help out – just someone who will make butties, brew up and clean the windscreen is usually all they want. Some of my most riotous evenings have been on after rally parties. As anyone who was in Carmarthen after the ATS Coracle Stages in 1990 can testify…
Volunteer at a stately home
Get the idea?
Take a look at whatever is happening in your local area – say a 20 mile radius
Am-dram – they always want back-of-stage help. Have paint brush –will travel – that sort of thing. Most am-dram groups are desperate for male “actors”, and some groups can’t put on productions with a male cast as they just can’t get the number of men to take part. It attracts a certain “sort” though… no matter how strange you think you are- you will never be feeling out of place amongst those who do am-dram…
Meetup. https://www.meetup.com/, I've been a creator of 2 groups and I’ve been in it for 10 years, so I can give chapter and verse on this.
Local politics, although it must be said that the younger more attractive ones tend to lean left - but not always...
Night school/adult learning.
Go to your local library and see what’s happening on the notice board.
Your local church – hmmm….
Local sports clubs- there must be something that appeals.
Your local car club(s) - they always want volunteers.
Marshalling at track side.
Contact a local race/rally team and offer to help out – just someone who will make butties, brew up and clean the windscreen is usually all they want. Some of my most riotous evenings have been on after rally parties. As anyone who was in Carmarthen after the ATS Coracle Stages in 1990 can testify…
Volunteer at a stately home
Get the idea?
What are your interests?
If you have any interests, are they the type of interests that others enjoy too? If they are, there will almost definitely be a club or organisation about that caters for it. It would be even better if there is a local club.
When I first came to the UK 34 years ago I literally knew nobody here. Within weeks, I had joined two clubs /societies in my local area that catered for two of my main interests (model building and amateur operatics). I've been heavilly involved in both clubs for all the years since and have made hundreds of friends and acquaintances because of that. Both clubs have proved to be fantastic networks for all sorts of matters - not just related to the specialist interest they represent.
However, you do need to make an effort and persevere.
If you have any interests, are they the type of interests that others enjoy too? If they are, there will almost definitely be a club or organisation about that caters for it. It would be even better if there is a local club.
When I first came to the UK 34 years ago I literally knew nobody here. Within weeks, I had joined two clubs /societies in my local area that catered for two of my main interests (model building and amateur operatics). I've been heavilly involved in both clubs for all the years since and have made hundreds of friends and acquaintances because of that. Both clubs have proved to be fantastic networks for all sorts of matters - not just related to the specialist interest they represent.
However, you do need to make an effort and persevere.
This is my advice, join a club when it is first starting. All the groups I have joined, and stuck with, have been new groups - everyone is getting to know each other at the same time, it makes it far easier rather than parachuting in where people already know each other.
I signed up for a couch to 5k group, once that finished I joined a new running group that was just starting. I had never run before, but I wanted to meet new people, now I know others and I can run, although very slowly. I'm always the last one back, I'm much slower but that's not always a bad thing as I don't have to make chit chat en route,which takes some of the pressure off to be sociable all the time, but I talk with the others pre and post run and go to the pub after some sessions. I've also found it helps to be on the Facebook groups that are started for the groups, then you get to hear the general chit chat that happens away from the group and you can use that to start conversations when you are with them in person.
Also, things evolve over time, so you have to stick with it, but do keep going and trying. It will happen.
I signed up for a couch to 5k group, once that finished I joined a new running group that was just starting. I had never run before, but I wanted to meet new people, now I know others and I can run, although very slowly. I'm always the last one back, I'm much slower but that's not always a bad thing as I don't have to make chit chat en route,which takes some of the pressure off to be sociable all the time, but I talk with the others pre and post run and go to the pub after some sessions. I've also found it helps to be on the Facebook groups that are started for the groups, then you get to hear the general chit chat that happens away from the group and you can use that to start conversations when you are with them in person.
Also, things evolve over time, so you have to stick with it, but do keep going and trying. It will happen.
When this lockdown ends, there are singles camping clubs that you can join if you like camping. They are not dating agencies but rather cater for singletons. They organise meets at a given campsite and then have daily activities which you are free to join in on or not, as the case might be. Those who don't go out for the walks/visits/treasure hunts etc, usually sit around and drink tea/coffee and natter....with no obligations. It's not just old grippers who go either.
I have heard good things about them. The Phoenix Camping Club is one.
Regarding being a carer, it may be worth checking out your local Drs surgery or council who may well have a Carers Support Group who are very good and may offer respite care. Also if the person you are caring for has any specific illnesses, check out their websites as they too usually offer a good support network and respite care too.
I have heard good things about them. The Phoenix Camping Club is one.
Regarding being a carer, it may be worth checking out your local Drs surgery or council who may well have a Carers Support Group who are very good and may offer respite care. Also if the person you are caring for has any specific illnesses, check out their websites as they too usually offer a good support network and respite care too.
bucksmanuk said:
Meetup. https://www.meetup.com/, I've been a creator of 2 groups and I’ve been in it for 10 years, so I can give chapter and verse on this.
Seconded. Turning up on your own is absolutely the norm. Some people use it for finding dates, some people just to socialise. ash73 said:
I'd suggest throw your telly in the bin, and stop worrying about finding friends; focus on finding interesting things to do.
Travelling, clubs, evening classes, etc... the more positive life experience you get the more people will gravitate towards you.
This. If you use social media stop looking at facebook, instagram, etc. and focus on real relationships with whom you share common interests. Travelling, clubs, evening classes, etc... the more positive life experience you get the more people will gravitate towards you.
I'm not a particularly social person and am happy with my own company but mountain biking and cars have saved me from a life of isolation.
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