Jealous Girlfriend - What to do?
Discussion
This could be a long one.....
I don't normally turn to forums for personal advice, but in the absence of being able to talk things through over a barrel of beer in the pub, thought I'd try this approach. Hopefully get a good range of thoughts and experiences…
Been seeing a girl for a year now, first proper relationship since separating from my wife a few years ago. She's amazing, everything I was looking for, similar interests\hobbies (even cars), really good fun, great banter, very caring, same outlook on life etc etc..... When things are good, it's the best relationship ever!
However... every couple of weeks another jealous related issue raises it's ugly head and I've got to the stage I'm sick of it. It's exhausting having to reassure her all the time and it feels like I’m indirectly being accused of cheating, frequent underhand comments\digs, interrogations… etc etc. Now I didn't go into this totally blind, we discussed from the outset we can both be jealous at times and of course in a new relationship it takes a while to build the trust, but I thought we got past this...In fact, she recently met my kids and it went really well, way better than we both expected and they've really taken to her in the last month and a bit... which makes this all the harder.
So to set the scene, I’m in regular contact with a couple of females by text and email mostly, one I’ve been speaking to for years and years, the other just this year really. In terms of frequency, I’d say once every couple of days, just general chat about how’s your week going, kids good, been up to much… Never a hint of flirtation or any other underlying agenda and would probably be a 5 minute conversation if in person max. It just so happens these two females are attractive and therefore seen as a threat, she’s not bothered about my other not so attractive female friends who I go out on the piss with now and again, funny that. She doesn’t understand why I need to be in such regular contact with them, even if it’s just 5-10 messages every other day, generally not conversational. It’s not like I’m sitting in all evening messaging them, or make it the first thing I do when I get up or last thing before bed. Going back over the years I’ve also had friendships like this with guys, but we’ve drifted for one or another reason. I’m not specifically looking for female friendship, although I do find they’re a lot more interested in genuine day to day chat then guys are…
So this is a fundamental problem in our relationship and has really come to a head in recent months, lockdown probably isn’t helping. Had a bit of a WTF moment at the weekend when friend A got in touch to ask if I had any moving boxes left over, which I did, agreed to drop them off. But then I thought to myself, this is only going to cause a problem between the girlfriend and I, so had to make up some bulls
t excuse I couldn’t make it. I could of lied and went, but didn’t want to do that. On reflection, it’s a ridiculous situation to be in to “fear” of the repercussions of something so innocent as dropping cardboard boxes off. A few months back we’d agreed to go biking together, when I announced this my girlfriend was not happy and had actually is was friend A who cancelled it as she didn’t want to cause any problems… which was nice of her, but I was annoyed I wasn’t able to make that decision myself.
So to try and resolve this, I’ve suggested to the girlfriend she seeks help for her jealousy issues on a number of occasions. She’s been cheated on twice in the past and clearly been badly hurt, so would support her through this process, but she’s not interested, which means it’s down to me… I have to decide:
- Stop talking to my two (attractive) female friends
- It’s no longer worth the ballache and reluctantly end things
Really confused what to do here.. perhaps my behaviour is unreasonable and selfish?? I guess I wouldn’t be thrilled if she was doing the same, but I’d like to think I’d deal with it on the realisation it’s just friendship. It’s 2020, we can have friends of the opposite sex right?!
Suspect responses will be totally split...
Any advice?
I don't normally turn to forums for personal advice, but in the absence of being able to talk things through over a barrel of beer in the pub, thought I'd try this approach. Hopefully get a good range of thoughts and experiences…
Been seeing a girl for a year now, first proper relationship since separating from my wife a few years ago. She's amazing, everything I was looking for, similar interests\hobbies (even cars), really good fun, great banter, very caring, same outlook on life etc etc..... When things are good, it's the best relationship ever!
However... every couple of weeks another jealous related issue raises it's ugly head and I've got to the stage I'm sick of it. It's exhausting having to reassure her all the time and it feels like I’m indirectly being accused of cheating, frequent underhand comments\digs, interrogations… etc etc. Now I didn't go into this totally blind, we discussed from the outset we can both be jealous at times and of course in a new relationship it takes a while to build the trust, but I thought we got past this...In fact, she recently met my kids and it went really well, way better than we both expected and they've really taken to her in the last month and a bit... which makes this all the harder.
So to set the scene, I’m in regular contact with a couple of females by text and email mostly, one I’ve been speaking to for years and years, the other just this year really. In terms of frequency, I’d say once every couple of days, just general chat about how’s your week going, kids good, been up to much… Never a hint of flirtation or any other underlying agenda and would probably be a 5 minute conversation if in person max. It just so happens these two females are attractive and therefore seen as a threat, she’s not bothered about my other not so attractive female friends who I go out on the piss with now and again, funny that. She doesn’t understand why I need to be in such regular contact with them, even if it’s just 5-10 messages every other day, generally not conversational. It’s not like I’m sitting in all evening messaging them, or make it the first thing I do when I get up or last thing before bed. Going back over the years I’ve also had friendships like this with guys, but we’ve drifted for one or another reason. I’m not specifically looking for female friendship, although I do find they’re a lot more interested in genuine day to day chat then guys are…
So this is a fundamental problem in our relationship and has really come to a head in recent months, lockdown probably isn’t helping. Had a bit of a WTF moment at the weekend when friend A got in touch to ask if I had any moving boxes left over, which I did, agreed to drop them off. But then I thought to myself, this is only going to cause a problem between the girlfriend and I, so had to make up some bulls
t excuse I couldn’t make it. I could of lied and went, but didn’t want to do that. On reflection, it’s a ridiculous situation to be in to “fear” of the repercussions of something so innocent as dropping cardboard boxes off. A few months back we’d agreed to go biking together, when I announced this my girlfriend was not happy and had actually is was friend A who cancelled it as she didn’t want to cause any problems… which was nice of her, but I was annoyed I wasn’t able to make that decision myself. So to try and resolve this, I’ve suggested to the girlfriend she seeks help for her jealousy issues on a number of occasions. She’s been cheated on twice in the past and clearly been badly hurt, so would support her through this process, but she’s not interested, which means it’s down to me… I have to decide:
- Stop talking to my two (attractive) female friends
- It’s no longer worth the ballache and reluctantly end things
Really confused what to do here.. perhaps my behaviour is unreasonable and selfish?? I guess I wouldn’t be thrilled if she was doing the same, but I’d like to think I’d deal with it on the realisation it’s just friendship. It’s 2020, we can have friends of the opposite sex right?!
Suspect responses will be totally split...
Any advice?
Edited by RSSpeed on Wednesday 17th June 15:46
To save your sanity, either change your ways and stop the texting etc or change your girlfriend.
eta.
Revised version, change your girlfriend, the jealousy thing is an issue today with the texting of friends, if you change your habits it will be something else, you will spend your life defending every action and she will question every time you are late, every text or every woman who gives you attention
eta.
Revised version, change your girlfriend, the jealousy thing is an issue today with the texting of friends, if you change your habits it will be something else, you will spend your life defending every action and she will question every time you are late, every text or every woman who gives you attention
Edited by Parkette on Wednesday 17th June 15:47
Or talk to her about it and explain it's a real issue, and maybe explore why she is so insecure? Probably had some tt cheat on her, or she's insecure that they're more attractive than her.
Also, worth considering how you'd feel if the positions were reversed. Most blokes don't seem to like it when the shoe is on the other foot but expect women to STFU about it.
t cheat on her, or she's insecure that they're more attractive than her.Also, worth considering how you'd feel if the positions were reversed. Most blokes don't seem to like it when the shoe is on the other foot but expect women to STFU about it.
My ex was like this, insanely jealous, she'd been cheated on prior to me, she caught her best friend in bed with her bf, a pretty traumiatic experience I apprecaite, but had nothing to do with me.
She took it out on me though, it all became too much in the end. On holiday for example, around a pool, if there were women walking round in bikinis, I'd feel like she was watching me at every second to see where my eyes were directed, such a pain in the arse, not being able to relax even on holiday.
Was one of the many reasons were parted ways, but definitely a big one.
You have to ask yourself if the roles were reversed, would you be happy with her texting attractive men ten times a day?
She took it out on me though, it all became too much in the end. On holiday for example, around a pool, if there were women walking round in bikinis, I'd feel like she was watching me at every second to see where my eyes were directed, such a pain in the arse, not being able to relax even on holiday.
Was one of the many reasons were parted ways, but definitely a big one.
You have to ask yourself if the roles were reversed, would you be happy with her texting attractive men ten times a day?
RSSpeed said:
She doesn’t understand why I need to be in such regular contact with them, even if it’s just 10 messages a day.
No wonder your GF is feeling a bit out of it. This isn't normal. I'd say
1. You secretly fancy them
2. You're secretly their gay best friend
3. You're a selfish inconsiderate SOAB.
Edited by Harry H on Wednesday 17th June 15:50
Harry H said:
RSSpeed said:
She doesn’t understand why I need to be in such regular contact with them, even if it’s just 10 messages a day.
No wonder your GF is feeling a bit out of it. This isn't normal. That's probably quite a factor in her jealousy, to be fair.
Harry H said:
No wonder your GF is feeling a bit out of it. This isn't normal.
Why? Because they're female? Is that not a bit of an old fashioned view point? This is what I struggle with... As I said, I used to message male friends on this frequency but it died off over the years for one reason or another and guys are generally crap at replying lol. This is how it is.. .Friend A messages on Monday, maybe I respond later that day or I respond with 5 to 10 messages on Tuesday, she responds on Wed, it's not constant, it's not conversational, not sitting in bed messaging back and forth... I do message other mates, both male and female, perhaps just not quite as often...
So general consensus is I'm in the wrong?
Edited by RSSpeed on Wednesday 17th June 15:55
RSSpeed said:
... every couple of weeks another jealous related issue raises it's ugly head and I've got to the stage I'm sick of it. It's exhausting having to reassure her all the time and it feels like I’m indirectly being accused of cheating, frequent underhand comments\digs, interrogations… etc etc.
It sounds to me that your reassurances are actually doing nothing to reassure her at all, and she is convinced you're cheating on her. It's going to be very difficult to change her mind. In a way, I think it's like a defence mechanism, if she believes you're cheating when you're not, she's not going to be surprised if you do.You need to have a completely frank discussion about the effect it's having on you, and the relationship. If you are genuinely not cheating (flirty messages with these girls do count, even if nothing physical ever happens), and she feels that she can't trust you, you're either going to end up in a very toxic relationship, or it'll end.
No amount of having the same interests and being on the same wavelength can save a relationship if you don't talk openly with each other about your feelings.
My ex wife was like that, it did my fking head in. It isn't normal, I thought it was as a previous girlfriend was like it too, but now I am in a relationship with a normal woman, who has friends that are male and female, and doesn't bat an eyelid at me having the same. Its likely something happened in her past that has made that way, either being a cheat herself or been cheated on. In my experience nothing you can say or do will change it, all you can do is put up with it, or long it off and ooen the possibility to find someone you can live in harmony with
king head in. It isn't normal, I thought it was as a previous girlfriend was like it too, but now I am in a relationship with a normal woman, who has friends that are male and female, and doesn't bat an eyelid at me having the same. Its likely something happened in her past that has made that way, either being a cheat herself or been cheated on. In my experience nothing you can say or do will change it, all you can do is put up with it, or long it off and ooen the possibility to find someone you can live in harmony withI had similar years ago when I was at/ just left college and worked in a supermarket, had loads of female friends and everyone used to go out together all the time, some of them friends from school! You tens to listen to the GF at the time, then the friendships fade, split up with the GF anyway and have lost some long term good friendships for nothing. Can your new mrs not meet these other woman on a pub visit get to know them for herself so feels less ‘left out’ with random other females texting her fella?
I'd not choose a Mrs over your friends. Controlling behaviour isn't on.
I can understand why she's jealous, especially as it seems pretty frequent, but if that's the relationship you have with your friends, so be it. You may have to accept that a lot of women may be a bit off about it, and so your dating pool may be smaller.
I guess there's no way to make her understand that it's possible to have an attractive friend, accept that that person is attractive, but not want to sleep with them because you're committed to your partner?
Hypothetical questions for fun:
You're single, said friend is round yours and wants to have sex with you. Do you?
You're in your current relationship, you go round to friend A's to dropp off your boxes and she wants you to, er, drop off your boxers. Do you?
Be honest!
Anyway, all the above a side, the answer is a threesome.
I can understand why she's jealous, especially as it seems pretty frequent, but if that's the relationship you have with your friends, so be it. You may have to accept that a lot of women may be a bit off about it, and so your dating pool may be smaller.
I guess there's no way to make her understand that it's possible to have an attractive friend, accept that that person is attractive, but not want to sleep with them because you're committed to your partner?
Hypothetical questions for fun:
You're single, said friend is round yours and wants to have sex with you. Do you?
You're in your current relationship, you go round to friend A's to dropp off your boxes and she wants you to, er, drop off your boxers. Do you?
Be honest!
Anyway, all the above a side, the answer is a threesome.
Harry H said:
RSSpeed said:
She doesn’t understand why I need to be in such regular contact with them, even if it’s just 10 messages a day.
No wonder your GF is feeling a bit out of it. This isn't normal. I have quite a few female friends that I speak to / message with most days / weeks. Some I have known longer than the current wife but others are ones I have worked with on recent contracts etc... Have nights/meals out with them. I was really clear on these relationships at the start of seeing the Mrs (considering I also left my 1st wife for her).
I would want to maybe spend some time understanding the GFs issues and work through them if she means a lot to you.
cherie171 said:
It sounds to me that your reassurances are actually doing nothing to reassure her at all, and she is convinced you're cheating on her. It's going to be very difficult to change her mind. In a way, I think it's like a defence mechanism, if she believes you're cheating when you're not, she's not going to be surprised if you do.
You need to have a completely frank discussion about the effect it's having on you, and the relationship. If you are genuinely not cheating (flirty messages with these girls do count, even if nothing physical ever happens), and she feels that she can't trust you, you're either going to end up in a very toxic relationship, or it'll end.
No amount of having the same interests and being on the same wavelength can save a relationship if you don't talk openly with each other about your feelings.
Just to clarify, I can swear on my kids life there has never been a hint of flirtation etc, just not what it's about... You need to have a completely frank discussion about the effect it's having on you, and the relationship. If you are genuinely not cheating (flirty messages with these girls do count, even if nothing physical ever happens), and she feels that she can't trust you, you're either going to end up in a very toxic relationship, or it'll end.
No amount of having the same interests and being on the same wavelength can save a relationship if you don't talk openly with each other about your feelings.
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