Toxic relationship
Discussion
Need a bit of advice.
Me and the OH rub along pretty well. We have the odd disagreement like all couples but generally it's good. But there is a problem and it's my OH's relationship with her Mum. In a word, it's toxic. Her Mum lives on her own and has quite severe mobility issues; she can only walk with the use of a frame and can barely manage the stairs. She is also doubly incontinent. My OH is effectively her full time carer but her Mum is so unpleasant and ungrateful. I should quickly point out, however, that my OH is no saint and can be quite unpleasant too. So I suspect that they both give as good as they get and know what to say to get a reaction. But today my OH came back from her Mum's to tell me that her Mum called her "fat and ugly" which upset her (understandably). I told her that this is effectively abuse and that she should walk away regardless although I know this is easier said than done. Because of her Mum's disabilities she is now living 100% downstairs, using a commode, washing in the kitchen sink and sleeping on the sofa. Any suggestions we make about trying to make her life easier/more comfortable are quickly (and aggressively) dismissed.
But all of this is starting to effect the relationship between me and my OH. When she comes back from her Mum's she is tired and irritable. And then when she tells me what her Mum has been like it frustrates the hell out of me and I tell her that if her Mum is abusive again then my OH should just walk out and not return for a few days. But I know that the next day will be the same.
Unfortunately my OH doesn't work (apart from caring for her Mum) which means she doesn't have a break from it. My OH has a sister who comes up at weekends as she works during the week.
I try to stay out of it as much as I can but it's not easy. I admit that I have spoken to her Mum about what she says to my OH but all I get told is "Well, you should hear what she says to me". Which is true; I only hear half of the story.
Anyone got any pearls of wisdom or experiences they can draw on?
Me and the OH rub along pretty well. We have the odd disagreement like all couples but generally it's good. But there is a problem and it's my OH's relationship with her Mum. In a word, it's toxic. Her Mum lives on her own and has quite severe mobility issues; she can only walk with the use of a frame and can barely manage the stairs. She is also doubly incontinent. My OH is effectively her full time carer but her Mum is so unpleasant and ungrateful. I should quickly point out, however, that my OH is no saint and can be quite unpleasant too. So I suspect that they both give as good as they get and know what to say to get a reaction. But today my OH came back from her Mum's to tell me that her Mum called her "fat and ugly" which upset her (understandably). I told her that this is effectively abuse and that she should walk away regardless although I know this is easier said than done. Because of her Mum's disabilities she is now living 100% downstairs, using a commode, washing in the kitchen sink and sleeping on the sofa. Any suggestions we make about trying to make her life easier/more comfortable are quickly (and aggressively) dismissed.
But all of this is starting to effect the relationship between me and my OH. When she comes back from her Mum's she is tired and irritable. And then when she tells me what her Mum has been like it frustrates the hell out of me and I tell her that if her Mum is abusive again then my OH should just walk out and not return for a few days. But I know that the next day will be the same.
Unfortunately my OH doesn't work (apart from caring for her Mum) which means she doesn't have a break from it. My OH has a sister who comes up at weekends as she works during the week.
I try to stay out of it as much as I can but it's not easy. I admit that I have spoken to her Mum about what she says to my OH but all I get told is "Well, you should hear what she says to me". Which is true; I only hear half of the story.
Anyone got any pearls of wisdom or experiences they can draw on?
A little more removed but my Mum had similar with her Aunt. She was a thoroughly unpleasant, bitter old woman. As we reached our teens my sister and I slowly slowly extricated ourselves from visits but my parents used to go over (she was my mum's only living relative apart from my Aunt)
They would go over every weekend (an hour drive) and return home both upset at some other abuse that she had given out. It eventually got to a point where my Dad simply refused to drive Mum over there and they cut her out
When she passed away she had cut Mum and us out of her will and gave everything to my Aunt and cousins
We weren't bothered - to be fair until reading this I hadn't thought of her for years
They would go over every weekend (an hour drive) and return home both upset at some other abuse that she had given out. It eventually got to a point where my Dad simply refused to drive Mum over there and they cut her out
When she passed away she had cut Mum and us out of her will and gave everything to my Aunt and cousins
We weren't bothered - to be fair until reading this I hadn't thought of her for years
shed driver said:
Referral to social services for home care? It could also be that her mother does not want her daughter doing personal care.
SD.
That is definitely something that needs to happen although when suggested before the OH's Mum said she didn't want those people in her house!! But I feel it's got to the stage where her Mum's wants need to be dismissed (to a agree) with her needs taking priority.SD.
Edited by Pilchard on Wednesday 4th November 17:28
How old is the mother in law? Sounds like she may not have long left so might not be a problem for much longer.
If your missus is slim and pretty then she shouldn’t worry about being called fat and ugly, it’s just the MIL being s
tty because she hates life. Easier said than done of course.
If your missus is slim and pretty then she shouldn’t worry about being called fat and ugly, it’s just the MIL being s
tty because she hates life. Easier said than done of course. Pieman68 said:
A little more removed but my Mum had similar with her Aunt. She was a thoroughly unpleasant, bitter old woman. As we reached our teens my sister and I slowly slowly extricated ourselves from visits but my parents used to go over (she was my mum's only living relative apart from my Aunt)
They would go over every weekend (an hour drive) and return home both upset at some other abuse that she had given out. It eventually got to a point where my Dad simply refused to drive Mum over there and they cut her out
When she passed away she had cut Mum and us out of her will and gave everything to my Aunt and cousins
We weren't bothered - to be fair until reading this I hadn't thought of her for years
Apologies if this bought back bad memories. Money is quite a big driver for my OH's Mum. Basically she doesn't want to spend any to make her life more comfortable/bearable even though everyone has said that we don't need/want her money. They would go over every weekend (an hour drive) and return home both upset at some other abuse that she had given out. It eventually got to a point where my Dad simply refused to drive Mum over there and they cut her out
When she passed away she had cut Mum and us out of her will and gave everything to my Aunt and cousins
We weren't bothered - to be fair until reading this I hadn't thought of her for years
Has her mum always been like this with her or is it since her health deteriorated?
It might sound daft but had a friend with a similar issue, turned out the mum was just really angry with how her own situation was and even angrier that she had become a burden to her family.
So much so that she was deliberately trying to push her family away even though she really loved them just so they didn't have to put their own lives on hold.
Abusing them so much that they would walk away and leave her to it.
My friend just persevered with her until she passed.
It might sound daft but had a friend with a similar issue, turned out the mum was just really angry with how her own situation was and even angrier that she had become a burden to her family.
So much so that she was deliberately trying to push her family away even though she really loved them just so they didn't have to put their own lives on hold.
Abusing them so much that they would walk away and leave her to it.
My friend just persevered with her until she passed.
Douglas Quaid said:
How old is the mother in law? Sounds like she may not have long left so might not be a problem for much longer.
If your missus is slim and pretty then she shouldn’t worry about being called fat and ugly, it’s just the MIL being stty because she hates life. Easier said than done of course.
She isn't even 80 yet! And apart from the mobility issues and maybe early stages of dementia she's not too unhealthy. So she could have another 10 years plus in her!!!If your missus is slim and pretty then she shouldn’t worry about being called fat and ugly, it’s just the MIL being s
tty because she hates life. Easier said than done of course. It sounds to me as if your MIL is getting increasingly frustrated with her deteriorating health and is taking it out on your OH. If it's already taking its toll on your relationship, imagine what it'll be like in 6 months' or a year's time? At what point will you (or your OH) say 'enough's enough'?
Does her sister get the same treatment? Would it be possible for the two of them to formulate a plan to get additional support from Social Services and take some steps in that direction? I imagine that, sooner or later, she'll need 24-hour care, at which point a firm decision will have to be made about her going into care.
It's a difficult situation, but the fallout could really damage your relationship.
Does her sister get the same treatment? Would it be possible for the two of them to formulate a plan to get additional support from Social Services and take some steps in that direction? I imagine that, sooner or later, she'll need 24-hour care, at which point a firm decision will have to be made about her going into care.
It's a difficult situation, but the fallout could really damage your relationship.
Radec said:
Has her mum always been like this with her or is it since her health deteriorated?
It might sound daft but had a friend with a similar issue, turned out the mum was just really angry with how her own situation was and even angrier that she had become a burden to her family.
So much so that she was deliberately trying to push her family away even though she really loved them just so they didn't have to put their own lives on hold.
Abusing them so much that they would walk away and leave her to it.
My friend just persevered with her until she passed.
I think it has always been a bit 'difficult' probably because they are like 2 peas in a pod. As I said in my original post, they know exactly what to say to hurt/upset each other. And I have no doubt that a lot of it is down to the situation. Let's face it none of us want to get to the stage where we have to rely on others. It might sound daft but had a friend with a similar issue, turned out the mum was just really angry with how her own situation was and even angrier that she had become a burden to her family.
So much so that she was deliberately trying to push her family away even though she really loved them just so they didn't have to put their own lives on hold.
Abusing them so much that they would walk away and leave her to it.
My friend just persevered with her until she passed.
Pilchard said:
Apologies if this bought back bad memories. Money is quite a big driver for my OH's Mum. Basically she doesn't want to spend any to make her life more comfortable/bearable even though everyone has said that we don't need/want her money.
No apologies needed as no bad memories surfaced - save for the upset she caused a wonderful Mum who will do anything for anyone (even if she does look like Rose West)Luckily the important thing from my PoV is that I still have both Mum and Dad and despite their own health issues now they are in their 70s they are nothing but supportive to us and their grandchildren. The fact that we all have a strong relationship just goes to prove where the issue lay!!
Bluesgirl said:
It sounds to me as if your MIL is getting increasingly frustrated with her deteriorating health and is taking it out on your OH. If it's already taking its toll on your relationship, imagine what it'll be like in 6 months' or a year's time? At what point will you (or your OH) say 'enough's enough'?
Does her sister get the same treatment? Would it be possible for the two of them to formulate a plan to get additional support from Social Services and take some steps in that direction? I imagine that, sooner or later, she'll need 24-hour care, at which point a firm decision will have to be made about her going into care.
It's a difficult situation, but the fallout could really damage your relationship.
It is taking a toll on our relationship. I've said to my OH that unless steps are taken now then nothing will change. Her sister doesn't get the same treatment although as she only sees her Mum once or twice a week it's less intense when she does see her.Does her sister get the same treatment? Would it be possible for the two of them to formulate a plan to get additional support from Social Services and take some steps in that direction? I imagine that, sooner or later, she'll need 24-hour care, at which point a firm decision will have to be made about her going into care.
It's a difficult situation, but the fallout could really damage your relationship.
And whilst my OH and her sister have not always been close, this situation is bringing them together. I've told my OH that she needs to work with her sister so they are pulling in the same direction.
There's lots of help out there - you need an assessment to see about adaptations to the house and equipment to make things easier. There are community services geared up for this - continence nurses, elderly care, falls teams etc. Many services can be engaged directly you don't need a GP referral, depending on area.
Your OH needs to return to being a daughter and not a carer.
There are services that will go into people's homes to help them with washing, etc. This burden should not be all on your OH.
That's a tough call because, as a son/daughter, you feel that you should look after your parents and not leave it to 'strangers' However, if the recipient of the care is difficult, this can be untenable.
The recipient can likely be resistant to outside help, but you need to try and persevere - they'll often get used to it after a few days/weeks.
Key is to find a good carer that they get along with. Easier said than done, but worth pursuing.
There are services that will go into people's homes to help them with washing, etc. This burden should not be all on your OH.
That's a tough call because, as a son/daughter, you feel that you should look after your parents and not leave it to 'strangers' However, if the recipient of the care is difficult, this can be untenable.
The recipient can likely be resistant to outside help, but you need to try and persevere - they'll often get used to it after a few days/weeks.
Key is to find a good carer that they get along with. Easier said than done, but worth pursuing.
bigpriest said:
There's lots of help out there - you need an assessment to see about adaptations to the house and equipment to make things easier. There are community services geared up for this - continence nurses, elderly care, falls teams etc. Many services can be engaged directly you don't need a GP referral, depending on area.
But most of this relies on my OH's Mum to accept and want the help/support. She has made it clear she doesn't. And before anyone asks, we don't have any LPoA, financial or health which complicates matters (although I'm aware there are ways round this.)Pilchard said:
bigpriest said:
There's lots of help out there - you need an assessment to see about adaptations to the house and equipment to make things easier. There are community services geared up for this - continence nurses, elderly care, falls teams etc. Many services can be engaged directly you don't need a GP referral, depending on area.
But most of this relies on my OH's Mum to accept and want the help/support. She has made it clear she doesn't. And before anyone asks, we don't have any LPoA, financial or health which complicates matters (although I'm aware there are ways round this.)That means a (perhaps difficult) conversation with your OH's Mum that your OH cannot look after her alone.
Edit - talk to her GP, they'll have experience with this or will be able to direct you somewhere that can offer advice on how to encourage help to be accepted.
Muzzer79 said:
Your OH needs to return to being a daughter and not a carer.
There are services that will go into people's homes to help them with washing, etc. This burden should not be all on your OH.
That's a tough call because, as a son/daughter, you feel that you should look after your parents and not leave it to 'strangers' However, if the recipient of the care is difficult, this can be untenable.
The recipient can likely be resistant to outside help, but you need to try and persevere - they'll often get used to it after a few days/weeks.
Key is to find a good carer that they get along with. Easier said than done, but worth pursuing.
Agree 100%. As I said in a previous post, the needs of my OH's Mum now must come above her wants as the latter is not helping anyone herself included.There are services that will go into people's homes to help them with washing, etc. This burden should not be all on your OH.
That's a tough call because, as a son/daughter, you feel that you should look after your parents and not leave it to 'strangers' However, if the recipient of the care is difficult, this can be untenable.
The recipient can likely be resistant to outside help, but you need to try and persevere - they'll often get used to it after a few days/weeks.
Key is to find a good carer that they get along with. Easier said than done, but worth pursuing.
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