Did something stupid today
Discussion
Was up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down today. Came across my stash of communications with an ex of 30 years ago. At the time I was writing a daily dairy (it was a period in my life which hit huge highs and very low lows) which was in the said stash. Loads of detail in there, what I was thinking, how I felt, how she was messing with my head, our bedroom activities, etc, etc Not a great idea to read all this again, really upset me.I know why and it’s not good.
An udderly silly post really. Wouldn’t want her back, but crave the intimacy, emotion, passion intensity of that time. Discuss with my partner, yes I should. Will I?, not sure she would comprehend it if I’m honest. Been celibate for 16 years, worse is the total absence of intimacy. The diary is of another (better) but far from perfect, time and place.
Juicy bits, yep a few of those
Juicy bits, yep a few of those
Getting back with the ex is obviously not what this is about, it's just that it's throwing your current situation into relief.
There seems be a number of worrying things going on here. Mostly, though, it's about your current relationship. You've been celibate for 16 years, but you're craving the intimacy of a past relationship which you acknowledge was far from ideal. Suggests that the celibacy is either
a: a physiological issue (for you or your partner)
or
b: your partner is controlling intimacy (i.e. withholding, in this case).
Either way, it's slowly eating you up.
If it's (a) then go to your GP. There are solutions which work well for thousands of couples and are available on the NHS (assuming you're in the UK). And surely any embarrassment over talking about it is insignificant if you regain intimacy?
If it's (b) then you need to seek other help. You're in a controlling relationship - even if not overtly so. This is really bad for your mental health. There is no parity. No matter what you do get from the relationship, what you're giving up for it is far more damaging.
In the spirit of PH solidarity, ask me how I know about either of these scenarios!
Seriously, I wouldn't talk to your partner about this - at least not now. If it's scenario (a) then that's just another barrier to intimacy with them. If it's scenario (b) then they'll twist it to their agenda. Talk to professionals. Talk to people you know (and more important, people who know you inside out). And don't just talk. Listen. Take it on board, and act on it.
It can be scary, and bleak and awful doing what you need to do, but at the end of the day the stakes are too high, and the outcome ALWAYS justifies what you need to go through.
HTH, OP, and never forget, in the words of the unfailingly wise Busby, "It's good to talk".
There seems be a number of worrying things going on here. Mostly, though, it's about your current relationship. You've been celibate for 16 years, but you're craving the intimacy of a past relationship which you acknowledge was far from ideal. Suggests that the celibacy is either
a: a physiological issue (for you or your partner)
or
b: your partner is controlling intimacy (i.e. withholding, in this case).
Either way, it's slowly eating you up.
If it's (a) then go to your GP. There are solutions which work well for thousands of couples and are available on the NHS (assuming you're in the UK). And surely any embarrassment over talking about it is insignificant if you regain intimacy?
If it's (b) then you need to seek other help. You're in a controlling relationship - even if not overtly so. This is really bad for your mental health. There is no parity. No matter what you do get from the relationship, what you're giving up for it is far more damaging.
In the spirit of PH solidarity, ask me how I know about either of these scenarios!
Seriously, I wouldn't talk to your partner about this - at least not now. If it's scenario (a) then that's just another barrier to intimacy with them. If it's scenario (b) then they'll twist it to their agenda. Talk to professionals. Talk to people you know (and more important, people who know you inside out). And don't just talk. Listen. Take it on board, and act on it.
It can be scary, and bleak and awful doing what you need to do, but at the end of the day the stakes are too high, and the outcome ALWAYS justifies what you need to go through.
HTH, OP, and never forget, in the words of the unfailingly wise Busby, "It's good to talk".
The Moose said:
xcesx said:
Japveesix said:
SCEtoAUX said:
I think the word you are looking for is "diary" unless you really are trying to milk the situation for all it's worth.
This post is an udder joke.Unless your current partner asks why you seem different (because you read the diary) and won't let it go, I really would advise against bring the subject up and sharing the diaries. It could start off months of questioning and distrust. The obvious questions will be:
"Have you kept a diary of our relationship?"
"If not, why not?"
"Don't I mean so much to you as she did?"
"If you have, where is it? I want to read it."
"I don't believe you. I'm sure you have one or more about me and why would you show your diaries to someone else but not to the person they're about?"
...and those are just for starters...
Having said all that; there is some truth in the saying, 'Competition improves the breed', even if the perceived 'competition' is that you may be thinking of the ex in all the new-found detail, as she was in her better moments. Therefore you may find a sudden improvement in the bedroom department for a short while. Be ready for the grief to exceed the positive aspects by several orders of magnitude though!
The sixteen years of celibacy is a different matter which you need to address. Do the benefits of what you do get out of the relationship outweigh what you are not getting?
"Have you kept a diary of our relationship?"
"If not, why not?"
"Don't I mean so much to you as she did?"
"If you have, where is it? I want to read it."
"I don't believe you. I'm sure you have one or more about me and why would you show your diaries to someone else but not to the person they're about?"
...and those are just for starters...
Having said all that; there is some truth in the saying, 'Competition improves the breed', even if the perceived 'competition' is that you may be thinking of the ex in all the new-found detail, as she was in her better moments. Therefore you may find a sudden improvement in the bedroom department for a short while. Be ready for the grief to exceed the positive aspects by several orders of magnitude though!
The sixteen years of celibacy is a different matter which you need to address. Do the benefits of what you do get out of the relationship outweigh what you are not getting?
Edited by GliderRider on Sunday 13th December 02:58
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