Telling her I am moving out?
Discussion
Its been a long time coming but I am trying to find a way to leave, and I feel really bad about it but I am getting to the point where I see no other choice.
The last couple of years have been really bad and I feel my life slipping away. I think its effecting my health now as I just want to sleep all the time. A few times I have even had chest pains and thought to myself if it was a heart attack and I was to die it might not actually be a bad outcome, then after it made me realise just how bad things are.
She is just such a negative person I feel like I am living in a life thats not actually mine - dragged into hers.
I am happy go lucky, I get on with people and slowly over the last few years I seem to have lost all family and friends because of things that have happened. She is very controlling and makes it very difficult for me to see family. Its been a very lonely few years and I have had enough of it.
I keep having visions, literally, of being 90 having had no friends or family for most of my adult life and having lived a worthless and negative life all because of this one person. We were great for most of our relationship, had friends, did things together, had big family then a cascade of events happened and it just got worse and worse over a few years. She sees it all as my fault. I have tried to make things better but she just cant move on and get back to how things were. I have outright told her that I dont think she loves me any more. She says she does, but then 2 days later she is back on my case or freezing me out for a week. I am tired of it.
I keep trying to go through it in my head how I will tell her but every time I think about it I start to just think I am being stupid. I am also really worried she might really spiral out of control.
She has a lot of mental demons and I think this could really be bad for her. Which makes me feel worse and think its a bad idea.
She has aspergers really bad and some other mental problems, I cant stop thinking how she will react if I tell her. Just lately she has been even worse with her mental health. I dont really have a plan. I have been looking round at flats, I was going to suggest that I move out for a few months and rent a flat near work? Call it a break, give her some space? If I say I am just leaving I dont think that will end well. Maybe this way she can slowly come to terms with it? On top of all this is the added issue that we work together, 5 days a week, 9 to 5. I dont think we could carry on in the long term. We met at uni and we built the business together after uni. Its not a big company just the two of us but it only really works because we are both willing to work long hours and we keep costs low. I have no idea what I would do, its a big part of the problem too.
Every time I think about it I just start thinking I am going to be worse off even more lonely and have no job. Its a catch 22 but I know if I dont do something its never going to get better.
Its a sinking feeling. I know things are going to get worse before they get better but I am in a situation where I cant even imaging things worse if that makes any sense.
Anyone got any advice who has been through similar?
The last couple of years have been really bad and I feel my life slipping away. I think its effecting my health now as I just want to sleep all the time. A few times I have even had chest pains and thought to myself if it was a heart attack and I was to die it might not actually be a bad outcome, then after it made me realise just how bad things are.
She is just such a negative person I feel like I am living in a life thats not actually mine - dragged into hers.
I am happy go lucky, I get on with people and slowly over the last few years I seem to have lost all family and friends because of things that have happened. She is very controlling and makes it very difficult for me to see family. Its been a very lonely few years and I have had enough of it.
I keep having visions, literally, of being 90 having had no friends or family for most of my adult life and having lived a worthless and negative life all because of this one person. We were great for most of our relationship, had friends, did things together, had big family then a cascade of events happened and it just got worse and worse over a few years. She sees it all as my fault. I have tried to make things better but she just cant move on and get back to how things were. I have outright told her that I dont think she loves me any more. She says she does, but then 2 days later she is back on my case or freezing me out for a week. I am tired of it.
I keep trying to go through it in my head how I will tell her but every time I think about it I start to just think I am being stupid. I am also really worried she might really spiral out of control.
She has a lot of mental demons and I think this could really be bad for her. Which makes me feel worse and think its a bad idea.
She has aspergers really bad and some other mental problems, I cant stop thinking how she will react if I tell her. Just lately she has been even worse with her mental health. I dont really have a plan. I have been looking round at flats, I was going to suggest that I move out for a few months and rent a flat near work? Call it a break, give her some space? If I say I am just leaving I dont think that will end well. Maybe this way she can slowly come to terms with it? On top of all this is the added issue that we work together, 5 days a week, 9 to 5. I dont think we could carry on in the long term. We met at uni and we built the business together after uni. Its not a big company just the two of us but it only really works because we are both willing to work long hours and we keep costs low. I have no idea what I would do, its a big part of the problem too.
Every time I think about it I just start thinking I am going to be worse off even more lonely and have no job. Its a catch 22 but I know if I dont do something its never going to get better.
Its a sinking feeling. I know things are going to get worse before they get better but I am in a situation where I cant even imaging things worse if that makes any sense.
Anyone got any advice who has been through similar?
No experience of what you are going through personally, but sounds like you are having a very rough time and you have my sympathies.
From an outsiders point of view:
I see your biggest problem being working with your partner (especially when its just you two), plus living together 24/7. That is very hard. Couples in different jobs come home, chat about work, colleagues etc - whether they be high or low points of the day but it provides a point of discussion. Also it gives distinct separation between work-life and home.
Is there any chance that you or her could look for a job outside of what you currently do? Either of you could assist the other in the running of your own company in the evenings/weekends?
Also, do either of you have or could have any hobbies outside of work? Something that might build a new social group for you or her - local cycling club, volunteering for a charity, park run, litter-picking? Would give you some time apart and something to talk about when you get home.
The mental health aspect is hard - can't offer any advice on that as I've not been through it.
Good luck, and if you do find pressure getting on top of you, shout out on here and someone will be around for a chat if you need.
Take care.
From an outsiders point of view:
I see your biggest problem being working with your partner (especially when its just you two), plus living together 24/7. That is very hard. Couples in different jobs come home, chat about work, colleagues etc - whether they be high or low points of the day but it provides a point of discussion. Also it gives distinct separation between work-life and home.
Is there any chance that you or her could look for a job outside of what you currently do? Either of you could assist the other in the running of your own company in the evenings/weekends?
Also, do either of you have or could have any hobbies outside of work? Something that might build a new social group for you or her - local cycling club, volunteering for a charity, park run, litter-picking? Would give you some time apart and something to talk about when you get home.
The mental health aspect is hard - can't offer any advice on that as I've not been through it.
Good luck, and if you do find pressure getting on top of you, shout out on here and someone will be around for a chat if you need.
Take care.
Working together must be tough, if that wasn't the case, would you have a better relationship? I know what it's like being in a family business, at least we go home away from each other at the end of the day! That's a 24/7 you have, it's not healthy. Status Quo were asked if they see each other after a tour, do they go on holiday together or go round their houses for xmas etc, and they said 'f
k no..we spend more time with each other than with our own families, why would we meet up for more punishment, we would split otherwise'
The key to a healthy relationship is space and respect/kindness.
Having said that, when you know it's time, it's time, and hurt is always there waiting to pounce, even hurt doesn't last though....one door closes....................
k no..we spend more time with each other than with our own families, why would we meet up for more punishment, we would split otherwise'The key to a healthy relationship is space and respect/kindness.
Having said that, when you know it's time, it's time, and hurt is always there waiting to pounce, even hurt doesn't last though....one door closes....................
I don't think working with a partner is as binary no-no but its going to exacerbate things. The lines between work stress and home life personal space must blur.
Seems quitting the relationship while keeping the jobs together is putting priorities in the wrong order? I appreciate this may sound idealistic. But is it possible to hire someone and/or/somehow spend less time working together to give each other more space to have an individual existence?
Seems quitting the relationship while keeping the jobs together is putting priorities in the wrong order? I appreciate this may sound idealistic. But is it possible to hire someone and/or/somehow spend less time working together to give each other more space to have an individual existence?
Sounds like a full clean break away is what’s needed
I’ll be honest; you need to be selfish and consider yourself and worry less about her and what it may do to her.
I’d be looking for alternative accommodation and a new job - anything that can fund what you need to just make a leap.
It’s hard. I’ve been there. But self preservation is of utmost importance.
I’ll be honest; you need to be selfish and consider yourself and worry less about her and what it may do to her.
I’d be looking for alternative accommodation and a new job - anything that can fund what you need to just make a leap.
It’s hard. I’ve been there. But self preservation is of utmost importance.
From the sounds of your post, you may find the book “No more Mr Nice Guy” by Robert Glover helpful.
I would suggest before you break your relationship off you reconnect with family and friends, even if this causes a lot of blowback from your partner you need to be strong and just do it. Also join a club to get yourself out of the house a few nights a week.
Once reconnected you will find it easier to leave for good. At the moment I imagine you will leave, then be even more lonely so go back and this will go round in a cycle.
I would suggest before you break your relationship off you reconnect with family and friends, even if this causes a lot of blowback from your partner you need to be strong and just do it. Also join a club to get yourself out of the house a few nights a week.
Once reconnected you will find it easier to leave for good. At the moment I imagine you will leave, then be even more lonely so go back and this will go round in a cycle.
Apart from working together your account could be my own account of the last couple of years of my marriage.
I ended up walking out mid arguement one day and never went back. It honestly felt like I had got out of prison, and my life has improved everyday since.
I have met someone brilliant, got the job I've always wanted and cannot comprehend how I stayed with my wife as long as I did.
My advice is get out of there, this is your life mate don't waste it
I ended up walking out mid arguement one day and never went back. It honestly felt like I had got out of prison, and my life has improved everyday since.
I have met someone brilliant, got the job I've always wanted and cannot comprehend how I stayed with my wife as long as I did.
My advice is get out of there, this is your life mate don't waste it
Have you had any relationship counselling? Relate and others can do a good job of getting to the nub of the problem. They're not only about "saving" a relationship, and if they think that the pair of you would be better off apart they can offer advice on the best/most painless way of doing it.
Tough situation, but it seems like you know what needs to be done, and are understandably putting it off because of the short-term pain and anguish it'll cause both of you.
The universe doesn't care one way or another, but you only get one go at this life. If there are no kids involved, then your primary duty is to make the best job of your life that you can.
There won't be any cosmic or karmic rewards or prizes for putting up with it for longer than necessary. It's not a test of endurance with a goal at the end. You aren't banking years with some ephemeral credit of some sort accumulating in your favour.
Don't do it over Christmas. But maybe try to do it soon. Good luck.
ETA: Is it a rash guess that you're 39 / 40 years old?
The universe doesn't care one way or another, but you only get one go at this life. If there are no kids involved, then your primary duty is to make the best job of your life that you can.
There won't be any cosmic or karmic rewards or prizes for putting up with it for longer than necessary. It's not a test of endurance with a goal at the end. You aren't banking years with some ephemeral credit of some sort accumulating in your favour.
Don't do it over Christmas. But maybe try to do it soon. Good luck.
ETA: Is it a rash guess that you're 39 / 40 years old?
Edited by SpeckledJim on Wednesday 23 December 09:54
Evoluzione said:
Just slip out the back Jack,
No need to be coy Roy,
Just get yourself free.
In the end this song proved to contain the one true nugget of wisdom in all break ups. Just Get Yourself Free. No need to be coy Roy,
Just get yourself free.
The sheer relief of not having to deal with someone else’s issues and being yourself is amazing.
Don’t worry about her, worry about YOU.
I wouldn't bother with counseling or trying to 'fix' her. Some relationships are just unhealthy and bring out the worst in people, I've been there myself. I know it's daunting thinking about leaving, and yes, you'll be miserable for the first few months afterwards. Eventually though you'll come out the other side of it and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
I was in that kind of relationship for four years, now I'm the happiest I've ever been: I've got a partner who encourages me to do whatever I want to do, and supports me in it.
I was in that kind of relationship for four years, now I'm the happiest I've ever been: I've got a partner who encourages me to do whatever I want to do, and supports me in it.
Dont worry one bit about her. Worry about you. Yes its complicated with the business but no kids? If so then just go. If you have to go homeless and in a scatterflat then so be it. You'll be free. 6 months time you'll wonder why you never done it sooner. No matter what, that business is still yours aswel. So you wont not have a job. Itll be hard. Itll be worth it though.
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