How to help my old man with retirement
Discussion
Hi all
I think my Dad has not taken to retirement so well. To the point my mother is quite unhappy about it all. He just sits and watches TV all day and is generally very grumpy, doesn't want to go anywhere and usually has nothing good to say about anything.
He is endlessly wound up by reading crap news papers like the daily mail, sun and mirror. He's constantly going on about BLM rearing its head in the football and F1 with players and drivers taking the knee etc. And also about having women pundits and commentators on the football. I mean, BLM I kinda get to a small extent because behind the anti-racism thing it seems to have a contingent set on just causing trouble. But!.... its very easy to just tune in for kick off or the start of the race. But he doesn't. He'll sit through the 2hours of rubbish from Sky TV before hand and get angry about it.
The women thing, is just totally old-fashioned. No excuse for that these days. Lock down coinciding with retirement clearly hasn't helped either. He's just surrounded by this stuff all day, every day, winding himself up and he's not willing to do something about it.
His logic is baffling. He's spent nearly 40 years of his life working in places like Saudi, Angola, Syria, Iraq, Azerbaijan, Qatar. He can count a significant portion of his friends amongst these people and he says they're all great. Being racist shouldn't be a factor and yet, it often is. He'd move heaven and earth for his wife, my wife and his granddaughter and is happy for them being whatever they want to be. Yet, a woman pundit on a football show? a woman racing driver? can't be doing it.
He used to work month on, month off for most of that time so is used to intense months of hard ward work in hot places and then having good down time. That regiment has just vanished for him now. He's 70 next year and has just had a knee replacement because he stubbornly left a bad knee until he could barely move. He won't listen to any suggestions. Trying a new sport (golf = for old men, walking football = for old men), going to see a councillor (for fairies), join a woodworking group (actually likes woodwork, but no).
I mean, basically, he seems to be not accepting that he is in fact, getting old. Doesn't want to do old man things and wants to keep doing things like cycling on his own (great, but his knees really do stop him. An eBike would sort him out wonderfully, but no that's for old men) or going to the gym on his own to lift heavy stuff.
His mood changes for the better when he's with his grand daughter. So our plan, now things are easing, is to visit more with her (150mi). But we just need to get him out of this rut and have him be more accepting of old age!
I'm sure plenty of you on here have come across similar. I would love to know what things you tried and if they worked!
I think my Dad has not taken to retirement so well. To the point my mother is quite unhappy about it all. He just sits and watches TV all day and is generally very grumpy, doesn't want to go anywhere and usually has nothing good to say about anything.
He is endlessly wound up by reading crap news papers like the daily mail, sun and mirror. He's constantly going on about BLM rearing its head in the football and F1 with players and drivers taking the knee etc. And also about having women pundits and commentators on the football. I mean, BLM I kinda get to a small extent because behind the anti-racism thing it seems to have a contingent set on just causing trouble. But!.... its very easy to just tune in for kick off or the start of the race. But he doesn't. He'll sit through the 2hours of rubbish from Sky TV before hand and get angry about it.
The women thing, is just totally old-fashioned. No excuse for that these days. Lock down coinciding with retirement clearly hasn't helped either. He's just surrounded by this stuff all day, every day, winding himself up and he's not willing to do something about it.
His logic is baffling. He's spent nearly 40 years of his life working in places like Saudi, Angola, Syria, Iraq, Azerbaijan, Qatar. He can count a significant portion of his friends amongst these people and he says they're all great. Being racist shouldn't be a factor and yet, it often is. He'd move heaven and earth for his wife, my wife and his granddaughter and is happy for them being whatever they want to be. Yet, a woman pundit on a football show? a woman racing driver? can't be doing it.
He used to work month on, month off for most of that time so is used to intense months of hard ward work in hot places and then having good down time. That regiment has just vanished for him now. He's 70 next year and has just had a knee replacement because he stubbornly left a bad knee until he could barely move. He won't listen to any suggestions. Trying a new sport (golf = for old men, walking football = for old men), going to see a councillor (for fairies), join a woodworking group (actually likes woodwork, but no).
I mean, basically, he seems to be not accepting that he is in fact, getting old. Doesn't want to do old man things and wants to keep doing things like cycling on his own (great, but his knees really do stop him. An eBike would sort him out wonderfully, but no that's for old men) or going to the gym on his own to lift heavy stuff.
His mood changes for the better when he's with his grand daughter. So our plan, now things are easing, is to visit more with her (150mi). But we just need to get him out of this rut and have him be more accepting of old age!
I'm sure plenty of you on here have come across similar. I would love to know what things you tried and if they worked!
Focus on your Mum, get her out and about away from Monsieur Misery and let him wallow until he changes - he'll be ranting at her 24/7 otherwise. She doesn't deserve it.
Or get them a dog. Preferably a puppy that needs to be trained, that'll keep him busy.
Or get them a dog. Preferably a puppy that needs to be trained, that'll keep him busy.
Edited by ReverendCounter on Monday 14th June 15:59
Otispunkmeyer said:
Hi all
I think my Dad has not taken to retirement so well. To the point my mother is quite unhappy about it all. He just sits and watches TV all day and is generally very grumpy, doesn't want to go anywhere and usually has nothing good to say about anything.
He is endlessly wound up by reading crap news papers like the daily mail, sun and mirror. He's constantly going on about BLM rearing its head in the football and F1 with players and drivers taking the knee etc. And also about having women pundits and commentators on the football. I mean, BLM I kinda get to a small extent because behind the anti-racism thing it seems to have a contingent set on just causing trouble. But!.... its very easy to just tune in for kick off or the start of the race. But he doesn't. He'll sit through the 2hours of rubbish from Sky TV before hand and get angry about it.
The women thing, is just totally old-fashioned. No excuse for that these days. Lock down coinciding with retirement clearly hasn't helped either. He's just surrounded by this stuff all day, every day, winding himself up and he's not willing to do something about it.
His logic is baffling. He's spent nearly 40 years of his life working in places like Saudi, Angola, Syria, Iraq, Azerbaijan, Qatar. He can count a significant portion of his friends amongst these people and he says they're all great. Being racist shouldn't be a factor and yet, it often is. He'd move heaven and earth for his wife, my wife and his granddaughter and is happy for them being whatever they want to be. Yet, a woman pundit on a football show? a woman racing driver? can't be doing it.
He used to work month on, month off for most of that time so is used to intense months of hard ward work in hot places and then having good down time. That regiment has just vanished for him now. He's 70 next year and has just had a knee replacement because he stubbornly left a bad knee until he could barely move. He won't listen to any suggestions. Trying a new sport (golf = for old men, walking football = for old men), going to see a councillor (for fairies), join a woodworking group (actually likes woodwork, but no).
I mean, basically, he seems to be not accepting that he is in fact, getting old. Doesn't want to do old man things and wants to keep doing things like cycling on his own (great, but his knees really do stop him. An eBike would sort him out wonderfully, but no that's for old men) or going to the gym on his own to lift heavy stuff.
His mood changes for the better when he's with his grand daughter. So our plan, now things are easing, is to visit more with her (150mi). But we just need to get him out of this rut and have him be more accepting of old age!
I'm sure plenty of you on here have come across similar. I would love to know what things you tried and if they worked!
Poor kid, you want her to spend more time with a misogynist racist homophobe?I think my Dad has not taken to retirement so well. To the point my mother is quite unhappy about it all. He just sits and watches TV all day and is generally very grumpy, doesn't want to go anywhere and usually has nothing good to say about anything.
He is endlessly wound up by reading crap news papers like the daily mail, sun and mirror. He's constantly going on about BLM rearing its head in the football and F1 with players and drivers taking the knee etc. And also about having women pundits and commentators on the football. I mean, BLM I kinda get to a small extent because behind the anti-racism thing it seems to have a contingent set on just causing trouble. But!.... its very easy to just tune in for kick off or the start of the race. But he doesn't. He'll sit through the 2hours of rubbish from Sky TV before hand and get angry about it.
The women thing, is just totally old-fashioned. No excuse for that these days. Lock down coinciding with retirement clearly hasn't helped either. He's just surrounded by this stuff all day, every day, winding himself up and he's not willing to do something about it.
His logic is baffling. He's spent nearly 40 years of his life working in places like Saudi, Angola, Syria, Iraq, Azerbaijan, Qatar. He can count a significant portion of his friends amongst these people and he says they're all great. Being racist shouldn't be a factor and yet, it often is. He'd move heaven and earth for his wife, my wife and his granddaughter and is happy for them being whatever they want to be. Yet, a woman pundit on a football show? a woman racing driver? can't be doing it.
He used to work month on, month off for most of that time so is used to intense months of hard ward work in hot places and then having good down time. That regiment has just vanished for him now. He's 70 next year and has just had a knee replacement because he stubbornly left a bad knee until he could barely move. He won't listen to any suggestions. Trying a new sport (golf = for old men, walking football = for old men), going to see a councillor (for fairies), join a woodworking group (actually likes woodwork, but no).
I mean, basically, he seems to be not accepting that he is in fact, getting old. Doesn't want to do old man things and wants to keep doing things like cycling on his own (great, but his knees really do stop him. An eBike would sort him out wonderfully, but no that's for old men) or going to the gym on his own to lift heavy stuff.
His mood changes for the better when he's with his grand daughter. So our plan, now things are easing, is to visit more with her (150mi). But we just need to get him out of this rut and have him be more accepting of old age!
I'm sure plenty of you on here have come across similar. I would love to know what things you tried and if they worked!
ReverendCounter said:
Focus on your Mum, get her out and about away from Monsieur Misery and let him wallow until he changes - he'll be ranting at her 24/7 otherwise. She doesn't deserve it.
Or get them a dog. Preferably a puppy that needs to be trained, that'll keep him busy.
They've got a dog!Or get them a dog. Preferably a puppy that needs to be trained, that'll keep him busy.
Edited by ReverendCounter on Monday 14th June 15:59
Otispunkmeyer said:
Hi all
He's spent nearly 40 years of his life working in places like Saudi, Angola, Syria, Iraq, Azerbaijan, Qatar. He can count a significant portion of his friends amongst these people and he says they're all great. Being racist shouldn't be a factor and yet, it often is. He'd move heaven and earth for his wife, my wife and his granddaughter and is happy for them being whatever they want to be. Yet, a woman pundit on a football show? a woman racing driver? can't be doing it.
He used to work month on, month off for most of that time so is used to intense months of hard ward work in hot places and then having good down time.
There’s something in the above. The life of the above is somewhat artificial It can for many make a “normal” life seem difficult. It’s a predominantly male culture where many share similar views on a variety of things. The transition back to normality, is possibly what he’s struggling with as much as anything else. I work in a similar environment with O&G.He's spent nearly 40 years of his life working in places like Saudi, Angola, Syria, Iraq, Azerbaijan, Qatar. He can count a significant portion of his friends amongst these people and he says they're all great. Being racist shouldn't be a factor and yet, it often is. He'd move heaven and earth for his wife, my wife and his granddaughter and is happy for them being whatever they want to be. Yet, a woman pundit on a football show? a woman racing driver? can't be doing it.
He used to work month on, month off for most of that time so is used to intense months of hard ward work in hot places and then having good down time.
However I’m not sure quite what the answer may be.
Whilst not the same exactly, I have similar issues with my Dad.
He just doesn't seem to have any interests, other than drinking s
te red wine in the evenings.
I've suggested many of the things you have, like the men's woodworking and so on, but he won't get off his arse and get on with it.
I hope there is some useful experience in this thread, bring it on!
He just doesn't seem to have any interests, other than drinking s
te red wine in the evenings.I've suggested many of the things you have, like the men's woodworking and so on, but he won't get off his arse and get on with it.
I hope there is some useful experience in this thread, bring it on!
ReverendCounter said:
Focus on your Mum, get her out and about away from Monsieur Misery and let him wallow until he changes - he'll be ranting at her 24/7 otherwise. She doesn't deserve it.
Or get them a dog. Preferably a puppy that needs to be trained, that'll keep him busy.
She's quite good at doing that herself, she's been out for a week last week, leaving him on his own for a week with the dog. Doesn't seem to have done much going by the last phone call with them!Or get them a dog. Preferably a puppy that needs to be trained, that'll keep him busy.
Edited by ReverendCounter on Monday 14th June 15:59
GT03ROB said:
Otispunkmeyer said:
Hi all
He's spent nearly 40 years of his life working in places like Saudi, Angola, Syria, Iraq, Azerbaijan, Qatar. He can count a significant portion of his friends amongst these people and he says they're all great. Being racist shouldn't be a factor and yet, it often is. He'd move heaven and earth for his wife, my wife and his granddaughter and is happy for them being whatever they want to be. Yet, a woman pundit on a football show? a woman racing driver? can't be doing it.
He used to work month on, month off for most of that time so is used to intense months of hard ward work in hot places and then having good down time.
There’s something in the above. The life of the above is somewhat artificial It can for many make a “normal” life seem difficult. It’s a predominantly male culture where many share similar views on a variety of things. The transition back to normality, is possibly what he’s struggling with as much as anything else. I work in a similar environment with O&G.He's spent nearly 40 years of his life working in places like Saudi, Angola, Syria, Iraq, Azerbaijan, Qatar. He can count a significant portion of his friends amongst these people and he says they're all great. Being racist shouldn't be a factor and yet, it often is. He'd move heaven and earth for his wife, my wife and his granddaughter and is happy for them being whatever they want to be. Yet, a woman pundit on a football show? a woman racing driver? can't be doing it.
He used to work month on, month off for most of that time so is used to intense months of hard ward work in hot places and then having good down time.
However I’m not sure quite what the answer may be.
I know this is probably never going to happen, but weaning him off the news is probably the number one priority for improving his mood. It is literally designed to wind him and people like him up, not inform him about current events and you might get somewhere if you went with that angle on things.
I haven't read a newspaper or watched the news in months and my anger and reactionary views have subsided greatly, I'm now much more tolerant because I realise that the world is not actually in danger of being overthrown by guardianistas.
Maybe a gentle part-time job or volunteering somewhere might give him a sense of purpose, but I understand that getting out of the chair is the hardest part because I've been there myself
ironically, by sitting in his chair all day reading the mail and shouting at blacks and gays on the TV he's already more a stereotypical grumpy old man than if he rode an e-bike.
I haven't read a newspaper or watched the news in months and my anger and reactionary views have subsided greatly, I'm now much more tolerant because I realise that the world is not actually in danger of being overthrown by guardianistas.
Maybe a gentle part-time job or volunteering somewhere might give him a sense of purpose, but I understand that getting out of the chair is the hardest part because I've been there myself
ironically, by sitting in his chair all day reading the mail and shouting at blacks and gays on the TV he's already more a stereotypical grumpy old man than if he rode an e-bike.
BritishBlitz87 said:
ironically, by sitting in his chair all day reading the mail and shouting at blacks and gays on the TV he's already more a stereotypical grumpy old man than if he rode an e-bike.
This is a good point and perhaps one worth pointing out to him (when you're leaving...), that the most typical old man thing he is doing is reading the paper and spending all day shouting at change on the TV.Ignorance truly is bliss when it comes to the news / media, but good luck weening him off it.
As someone mentioned above, he sounds like he'd fit right in on PH though, get him signed up
ReverendCounter said:
Focus on your Mum, get her out and about away from Monsieur Misery and let him wallow until he changes - he'll be ranting at her 24/7 otherwise. She doesn't deserve it.
^^^ This.My old man has done exactly the same, minus the sexism/racism. There is nothing you can do. Focus on the one who is still making an effort.
"Men in Sheds" is set up pretty much specifically for people like him, any chance of getting him to go along to one? If he has engineering skills then he might be able to give some valuable input. If you can find a local one you could make up an excuse that you saw they are looking for somebody with his skills.
Go for an ageless hobby - something easy enough to get into, but with enough depth and community to remain interesting and challenging. (..and also knee/injury friendly)
I do a lot of target shooting - huge range of people doing it with kit ranging for under £100 to special custom rigs costing many thousands.
Does he like cars? (or would that be too old man?)
Needs to be something you can do together, at least initially, just to get him to go along...
I do a lot of target shooting - huge range of people doing it with kit ranging for under £100 to special custom rigs costing many thousands.
Does he like cars? (or would that be too old man?)
Needs to be something you can do together, at least initially, just to get him to go along...
I would just tackle this head-on. You've expressed the issues quite well in your original post and he could do with facing the truth bluntly.
If he doesn't do anything to address the issue he is just going to make himself and his wife miserable and he needs to realise that.
Maybe by understanding that his behaviour is making the people that he loves unhappy it will motivate him to make some changes - or else he is going to end up a LONELY miserable old git shouting at clouds.
I've retired at 60 and play golf regularly. Yes it is a game that is played by lots of old gits, but so what? It gets you out the house, lots of fresh air and exercise and plenty of social contact and there's the 19th hole for refreshments and to drown your sorrows after another st round.
If he doesn't do anything to address the issue he is just going to make himself and his wife miserable and he needs to realise that.
Maybe by understanding that his behaviour is making the people that he loves unhappy it will motivate him to make some changes - or else he is going to end up a LONELY miserable old git shouting at clouds.
I've retired at 60 and play golf regularly. Yes it is a game that is played by lots of old gits, but so what? It gets you out the house, lots of fresh air and exercise and plenty of social contact and there's the 19th hole for refreshments and to drown your sorrows after another s
t round. Edited by rlg43p on Monday 14th June 16:40
I feel as though you described me there.
I retired during the pandemic, which is a difficult adjustment in itself. At the same time, I’m almost in despair at Covid nonsense and to a lesser extent the woke takeover. The two are a bad combination as you don’t have any distractions from the madness.
It can be quite isolating so try to see it from his perspective. For me, I honestly feel like I’m outside of the matrix looking in this year. I’ve lost all respect for many of my fellow humans burning our way of life and economy to the ground whilst “taking the knee” and debating “gender neutral pronouns” etc. The two combined feel like a double attack on our way of life - Covid controls and political correctness.
No point debating whether I’m right or wrong, but suspect this is partly how he is feeling.
If nothing else, maybe give him my number, we sound like kindred spirits.
I retired during the pandemic, which is a difficult adjustment in itself. At the same time, I’m almost in despair at Covid nonsense and to a lesser extent the woke takeover. The two are a bad combination as you don’t have any distractions from the madness.
It can be quite isolating so try to see it from his perspective. For me, I honestly feel like I’m outside of the matrix looking in this year. I’ve lost all respect for many of my fellow humans burning our way of life and economy to the ground whilst “taking the knee” and debating “gender neutral pronouns” etc. The two combined feel like a double attack on our way of life - Covid controls and political correctness.
No point debating whether I’m right or wrong, but suspect this is partly how he is feeling.
If nothing else, maybe give him my number, we sound like kindred spirits.
Edited by dmahon on Monday 14th June 16:58
Edited by dmahon on Monday 14th June 17:00
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