Ask a foster carer anything
Discussion
CountVacillate said:
Do you feel under appreciated for what you do?
I think there are jobs like yours that are completely under appreciated for the hard work and influence you have on lives, and yet some numpty kicks a leather bag of air around on grass and is praised for ‘his amazing effort’ give him a knighthood!!
It’s certainly not something you do for the appreciation. It has opened my eyes to the amount of resources spent on certain families though. I think there are jobs like yours that are completely under appreciated for the hard work and influence you have on lives, and yet some numpty kicks a leather bag of air around on grass and is praised for ‘his amazing effort’ give him a knighthood!!
We both work full time and that has been a real adjustment as the number of appointments/meetings you have is something else!
Evoluzione said:
How long can they stay with you for, max and min?
We opted for short term but that can be anywhere from 4 weeks to 4 years. It’s down to what happens with the parent(s), the social workers and how the placement works out. You can do emergency which is one night, up to long term which can from birth up to 18 years.
Evoluzione said:
And how old are they, max and min?
Any age up, from birth (literally) to 18. They really struggle to place older children though. Edited by chml on Sunday 2nd January 21:03
Does it become you're full time job?
Even if you take on a school age kid you presumably need to be available if anything happens and they generally finish mid afternoon, making it difficult to also do full time employment
If so, does it pay sufficiently?
Do you get told about the respective child's background? How they ended up with you? Horror stories?
How do you stop yourself wanting to go and "have a chat" with the parents whose child you looking after
Even if you take on a school age kid you presumably need to be available if anything happens and they generally finish mid afternoon, making it difficult to also do full time employment
If so, does it pay sufficiently?
Do you get told about the respective child's background? How they ended up with you? Horror stories?
How do you stop yourself wanting to go and "have a chat" with the parents whose child you looking after
Evoluzione said:
How much does it pay?
We receive c.£650 per month from the local authority. You can earn the equivalent of a full time wage if you foster privately but that’s not something we would do. My wife and I don’t do it for any kind of profit - any surplus is used for events/ holidays or put aside for when the placement ends.
Biggus thingus said:
Does it become you're full time job?
Even if you take on a school age kid you presumably need to be available if anything happens and they generally finish mid afternoon, making it difficult to also do full time employment
If so, does it pay sufficiently?
Do you get told about the respective child's background? How they ended up with you? Horror stories?
How do you stop yourself wanting to go and "have a chat" with the parents whose child you looking after
It couldn’t be a full time job for us as we are both working full time and the allowance isn’t anywhere near that Even if you take on a school age kid you presumably need to be available if anything happens and they generally finish mid afternoon, making it difficult to also do full time employment
If so, does it pay sufficiently?
Do you get told about the respective child's background? How they ended up with you? Horror stories?
How do you stop yourself wanting to go and "have a chat" with the parents whose child you looking after
If you work then you need a compassionate employer. We are lucky that our employers are fairly flexible and I WFH the majority of the time so the school run is workable. The first placement we had was difficult as the school was 45 mins away so that wasn’t fun.
We get told the bare minimum about the background tbh. It depends on the social worker for the child as to how much you are told. We are lucky in that our social worker also knows a bit about the current case so we have been told a bit more than normal.
It’s difficult to hold your tongue sometimes but we see the parent most weeks when there is contact as we want to make it as ‘normal’ as possible so you learn to just be polite. Our first placement, the parents tried to sabotage it by saying certain things during contact - that was really difficult as it made the couple of days around contact really difficult for the child and us.
How do you look after your own emotions and mental health, especially when a child has to leave you? The fosterers that looked after our son were very attached to him, he’d been there a year, and they were visibly distraught once they knew he was coming to us permanently. I also know how I would feel if I had invested that much into a child for them to eventually be moved on. No amount of telling myself it was for the greater good would make it easier. So, I salute you for being able to handle this and putting yourself through it for the benefit of the kids.
blueST said:
How do you look after your own emotions and mental health, especially when a child has to leave you? The fosterers that looked after our son were very attached to him, he’d been there a year, and they were visibly distraught once they knew he was coming to us permanently. I also know how I would feel if I had invested that much into a child for them to eventually be moved on. No amount of telling myself it was for the greater good would make it easier. So, I salute you for being able to handle this and putting yourself through it for the benefit of the kids.
Our first placement broke down and that was hard. Really hard. We elected for fostering because we wanted to make a difference to lots of children over the years but its the one bit they try to support you on but its just awful. Our extended family are all really involved as well so it’s the repercussions to others that we have to factor in as well. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you either in that situation as your son would’ve developed relationships with his carers and the transition couldn’t have been easy.
I salute you. I really do. You've chosen an incredibly rewarding but unbelievably difficult thing to do.
This has been a really hard post to write and I've deleted most of what I wrote at least five times. I am genuinely surprised at how emotional I've become thinking back to a time of my life that was over a quarter of a century ago.
My parents fostered other kids my entire childhood. There were three of us blood children, but always at least a couple of foster kids living with us. My dad counted it up a while back and it was well over 100 children fostered over 20 years or so. Generally under fives, but the occasional older child and it was always 8-15s that had the most problems - typically they'd had horrendous lives, sexual/physical/mental abuse was par for the course and I know my parents really struggled with a few. Being brought home by the police was the least of the problems.
But the younger ones could be delightful and I know there were a few that were very difficult for us to let go of. When you've looked after a toddler for most of their life you inevitably have a huge emotional investment in them and whilst you know that they are going to be adopted, and they are likely going to have a good stable life from then on, it is still a big deal. And it's even worse when you don't agree with what social services decide to do; there were two times in particular when we had to hand children over into situations that we didn't believe would be good for them and I know it brought my parents nearly to breaking point.
There are too many terribly sad stories as well, the most heartbreaking being the teenage mum who had been sectioned, walked out of hospital and then broke into our house and 'stole' (wrong word. But I can't think of a better one) one of her twin babies back. Finding her at the local train station and then sitting with her waiting for the police to arrive to take her back to hospital will haunt me forever.
But let's not dwell on the negatives. It's a tremendously rewarding thing to do and taking a troubled child, giving them a stable and loving home, and letting them move on to a family who will give them a future is a feeling like no other. Growing up with this you do become a little blasé, but looking back my parents made such a huge difference to so many children, it really does humble you. Yes there are times when it will, undoubtedly, be hard. Really hard. But it really is the ultimately selfless act: it is so, so much not about you. It's about the kids and about really giving them the chance of a better life. There is pretty much nothing else that will touch fostering for making a genuine and life-changing different to somebody's life.
So. As I said, I salute you. Knowing what I know, and having lived through it so many times, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to myself, to my wife, or to my own kids. Which is an awful thing to say. But I salute you.
This has been a really hard post to write and I've deleted most of what I wrote at least five times. I am genuinely surprised at how emotional I've become thinking back to a time of my life that was over a quarter of a century ago.
My parents fostered other kids my entire childhood. There were three of us blood children, but always at least a couple of foster kids living with us. My dad counted it up a while back and it was well over 100 children fostered over 20 years or so. Generally under fives, but the occasional older child and it was always 8-15s that had the most problems - typically they'd had horrendous lives, sexual/physical/mental abuse was par for the course and I know my parents really struggled with a few. Being brought home by the police was the least of the problems.
But the younger ones could be delightful and I know there were a few that were very difficult for us to let go of. When you've looked after a toddler for most of their life you inevitably have a huge emotional investment in them and whilst you know that they are going to be adopted, and they are likely going to have a good stable life from then on, it is still a big deal. And it's even worse when you don't agree with what social services decide to do; there were two times in particular when we had to hand children over into situations that we didn't believe would be good for them and I know it brought my parents nearly to breaking point.
There are too many terribly sad stories as well, the most heartbreaking being the teenage mum who had been sectioned, walked out of hospital and then broke into our house and 'stole' (wrong word. But I can't think of a better one) one of her twin babies back. Finding her at the local train station and then sitting with her waiting for the police to arrive to take her back to hospital will haunt me forever.
But let's not dwell on the negatives. It's a tremendously rewarding thing to do and taking a troubled child, giving them a stable and loving home, and letting them move on to a family who will give them a future is a feeling like no other. Growing up with this you do become a little blasé, but looking back my parents made such a huge difference to so many children, it really does humble you. Yes there are times when it will, undoubtedly, be hard. Really hard. But it really is the ultimately selfless act: it is so, so much not about you. It's about the kids and about really giving them the chance of a better life. There is pretty much nothing else that will touch fostering for making a genuine and life-changing different to somebody's life.
So. As I said, I salute you. Knowing what I know, and having lived through it so many times, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to myself, to my wife, or to my own kids. Which is an awful thing to say. But I salute you.
deckster said:
I salute you. I really do. You've chosen an incredibly rewarding but unbelievably difficult thing to do.
This has been a really hard post to write and I've deleted most of what I wrote at least five times. I am genuinely surprised at how emotional I've become thinking back to a time of my life that was over a quarter of a century ago.
My parents fostered other kids my entire childhood. There were three of us blood children, but always at least a couple of foster kids living with us. My dad counted it up a while back and it was well over 100 children fostered over 20 years or so. Generally under fives, but the occasional older child and it was always 8-15s that had the most problems - typically they'd had horrendous lives, sexual/physical/mental abuse was par for the course and I know my parents really struggled with a few. Being brought home by the police was the least of the problems.
But the younger ones could be delightful and I know there were a few that were very difficult for us to let go of. When you've looked after a toddler for most of their life you inevitably have a huge emotional investment in them and whilst you know that they are going to be adopted, and they are likely going to have a good stable life from then on, it is still a big deal. And it's even worse when you don't agree with what social services decide to do; there were two times in particular when we had to hand children over into situations that we didn't believe would be good for them and I know it brought my parents nearly to breaking point.
There are too many terribly sad stories as well, the most heartbreaking being the teenage mum who had been sectioned, walked out of hospital and then broke into our house and 'stole' (wrong word. But I can't think of a better one) one of her twin babies back. Finding her at the local train station and then sitting with her waiting for the police to arrive to take her back to hospital will haunt me forever.
But let's not dwell on the negatives. It's a tremendously rewarding thing to do and taking a troubled child, giving them a stable and loving home, and letting them move on to a family who will give them a future is a feeling like no other. Growing up with this you do become a little blasé, but looking back my parents made such a huge difference to so many children, it really does humble you. Yes there are times when it will, undoubtedly, be hard. Really hard. But it really is the ultimately selfless act: it is so, so much not about you. It's about the kids and about really giving them the chance of a better life. There is pretty much nothing else that will touch fostering for making a genuine and life-changing different to somebody's life.
So. As I said, I salute you. Knowing what I know, and having lived through it so many times, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to myself, to my wife, or to my own kids. Which is an awful thing to say. But I salute you.
That's some experience you and your family have been through. This has been a really hard post to write and I've deleted most of what I wrote at least five times. I am genuinely surprised at how emotional I've become thinking back to a time of my life that was over a quarter of a century ago.
My parents fostered other kids my entire childhood. There were three of us blood children, but always at least a couple of foster kids living with us. My dad counted it up a while back and it was well over 100 children fostered over 20 years or so. Generally under fives, but the occasional older child and it was always 8-15s that had the most problems - typically they'd had horrendous lives, sexual/physical/mental abuse was par for the course and I know my parents really struggled with a few. Being brought home by the police was the least of the problems.
But the younger ones could be delightful and I know there were a few that were very difficult for us to let go of. When you've looked after a toddler for most of their life you inevitably have a huge emotional investment in them and whilst you know that they are going to be adopted, and they are likely going to have a good stable life from then on, it is still a big deal. And it's even worse when you don't agree with what social services decide to do; there were two times in particular when we had to hand children over into situations that we didn't believe would be good for them and I know it brought my parents nearly to breaking point.
There are too many terribly sad stories as well, the most heartbreaking being the teenage mum who had been sectioned, walked out of hospital and then broke into our house and 'stole' (wrong word. But I can't think of a better one) one of her twin babies back. Finding her at the local train station and then sitting with her waiting for the police to arrive to take her back to hospital will haunt me forever.
But let's not dwell on the negatives. It's a tremendously rewarding thing to do and taking a troubled child, giving them a stable and loving home, and letting them move on to a family who will give them a future is a feeling like no other. Growing up with this you do become a little blasé, but looking back my parents made such a huge difference to so many children, it really does humble you. Yes there are times when it will, undoubtedly, be hard. Really hard. But it really is the ultimately selfless act: it is so, so much not about you. It's about the kids and about really giving them the chance of a better life. There is pretty much nothing else that will touch fostering for making a genuine and life-changing different to somebody's life.
So. As I said, I salute you. Knowing what I know, and having lived through it so many times, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to myself, to my wife, or to my own kids. Which is an awful thing to say. But I salute you.
In a short space of time, it has massively opened my eyes to some of the stuff that goes on and the (sometimes) bizarre decisions that are made. One of the scariest things for me is seeing how much control the parents have over the process in terms of being able to hold things up and make everybody dance to their tune.
Your parents sound like amazing people and the shared experiences will no doubt have a huge impact on how you parent your own children.
My parents also fostered kids. From about the age of 30 they did mostly short term fostering, mainly toddlers and under fives. Me and my sister appeared later in their life, but they carried on fostering until i was about 8 years old. It was only when my grandfather had to move in with us that they stopped, as caring for him took up time (and the spare bedroom).
Fostering in the 60s and 70s seemed a lot less arduous though. I don't recall them attending meetings or huge amounts of paperwork.
I don't remember all the kids - many were only with us for a day or two - but one that sticks was a Finnish boy whose mum was taken ill while she was visiting the UK. We looked after him while she was in hospital for about two weeks. He didn't speak English, and mum put an ad in the local paper trying to find a Finnish speaker (no easy task in 1970s Devon). Surprisingly a doctor's wife from a village about 20 miles away replied and came over a few times to chat with him.
My parents still used to get Christmas cards from a couple of the longer term foster kids who lived with them for a while - a brother and sister who went on to be adopted.
Mum always found fostering very rewarding, but both my parents were keen to "put something back" into society, an attitude which seems less prevalent these days but obviously still exists.
Fostering in the 60s and 70s seemed a lot less arduous though. I don't recall them attending meetings or huge amounts of paperwork.
I don't remember all the kids - many were only with us for a day or two - but one that sticks was a Finnish boy whose mum was taken ill while she was visiting the UK. We looked after him while she was in hospital for about two weeks. He didn't speak English, and mum put an ad in the local paper trying to find a Finnish speaker (no easy task in 1970s Devon). Surprisingly a doctor's wife from a village about 20 miles away replied and came over a few times to chat with him.
My parents still used to get Christmas cards from a couple of the longer term foster kids who lived with them for a while - a brother and sister who went on to be adopted.
Mum always found fostering very rewarding, but both my parents were keen to "put something back" into society, an attitude which seems less prevalent these days but obviously still exists.
chml said:
blueST said:
How do you look after your own emotions and mental health, especially when a child has to leave you? The fosterers that looked after our son were very attached to him, he’d been there a year, and they were visibly distraught once they knew he was coming to us permanently. I also know how I would feel if I had invested that much into a child for them to eventually be moved on. No amount of telling myself it was for the greater good would make it easier. So, I salute you for being able to handle this and putting yourself through it for the benefit of the kids.
Our first placement broke down and that was hard. Really hard. We elected for fostering because we wanted to make a difference to lots of children over the years but its the one bit they try to support you on but its just awful. Our extended family are all really involved as well so it’s the repercussions to others that we have to factor in as well. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you either in that situation as your son would’ve developed relationships with his carers and the transition couldn’t have been easy.
We have stayed in touch with the couple who looked after him just via WhatsApp and I’m trying to decide if going to meet them in the summer might be good for him or if it will open old wounds.
blueST said:
chml said:
blueST said:
How do you look after your own emotions and mental health, especially when a child has to leave you? The fosterers that looked after our son were very attached to him, he’d been there a year, and they were visibly distraught once they knew he was coming to us permanently. I also know how I would feel if I had invested that much into a child for them to eventually be moved on. No amount of telling myself it was for the greater good would make it easier. So, I salute you for being able to handle this and putting yourself through it for the benefit of the kids.
Our first placement broke down and that was hard. Really hard. We elected for fostering because we wanted to make a difference to lots of children over the years but its the one bit they try to support you on but its just awful. Our extended family are all really involved as well so it’s the repercussions to others that we have to factor in as well. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you either in that situation as your son would’ve developed relationships with his carers and the transition couldn’t have been easy.
We have stayed in touch with the couple who looked after him just via WhatsApp and I’m trying to decide if going to meet them in the summer might be good for him or if it will open old wounds.
We kept in touch and they all visited us a year later. My daughter never had a clue who any of them were, which was heartbreaking to watch as they fully expected her to recognise them.
My advise would be to keep any contact indirect for the foster carers sake.
It's slightly ironic the number of safeguarding checks that have to take place, and the whole initial process when you see some of the cases going through the system of children who have been removed from their parental home.
We still get some updates from the social worker about the first child we had as they are still going through the SW system
It can also be a merry-go-round for the children - one last year had 5 different placements and that's not particularly unusual.
We still get some updates from the social worker about the first child we had as they are still going through the SW system
andyxxx said:
I am in awe of you or anybody that can/will foster.
I couldn’t do it.
It must often be heart wrenching when you ‘give them back’
Obviously some children go on to adoption. As foster carer could you get ‘first dibs’ on the child or is this not a possibility?
It can be a possibility although we did set out to 'just' do fostering. Adoption is actually really difficult because the biological parents can (almost!) do anything, have the child removed but still retain parental responsibility. Also, the number of children who get adopted after the age of c.8 is tragically low. I couldn’t do it.
It must often be heart wrenching when you ‘give them back’
Obviously some children go on to adoption. As foster carer could you get ‘first dibs’ on the child or is this not a possibility?
It can also be a merry-go-round for the children - one last year had 5 different placements and that's not particularly unusual.
PAUL500 said:
blueST said:
chml said:
blueST said:
How do you look after your own emotions and mental health, especially when a child has to leave you? The fosterers that looked after our son were very attached to him, he’d been there a year, and they were visibly distraught once they knew he was coming to us permanently. I also know how I would feel if I had invested that much into a child for them to eventually be moved on. No amount of telling myself it was for the greater good would make it easier. So, I salute you for being able to handle this and putting yourself through it for the benefit of the kids.
Our first placement broke down and that was hard. Really hard. We elected for fostering because we wanted to make a difference to lots of children over the years but its the one bit they try to support you on but its just awful. Our extended family are all really involved as well so it’s the repercussions to others that we have to factor in as well. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you either in that situation as your son would’ve developed relationships with his carers and the transition couldn’t have been easy.
We have stayed in touch with the couple who looked after him just via WhatsApp and I’m trying to decide if going to meet them in the summer might be good for him or if it will open old wounds.
We kept in touch and they all visited us a year later. My daughter never had a clue who any of them were, which was heartbreaking to watch as they fully expected her to recognise them.
My advise would be to keep any contact indirect for the foster carers sake.
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