Mother in Law coming to live with us..... possibly
Discussion
we've been having discussions about MiL coming to live with us after a series of falls in her own home it's probably not safe for her to be living on her own. I realise that the idea, whilst lovely, is likely not to match the reality and it would mean a BIG change in our outlook/life. To this end we're starting to have a little look around at the pro's (of which there will be some) and the cons (of which I suspect there'll be more 
)
to set the scene:
- Totally stubborn! Refuses to acknowledge she needs more care (currently has 2 carers AM and noon) especially before bedtime.
- MiL is now 93 very frail and has difficulty walking (even with a zimmer-frame) & in the past 2 months has fallen 3 times necessitating 2 ambulance call-outs. The other time we were able to get her to the bed-room so she could stand up.
- Her bungalow is 1950's with narrow doorways so probably unsuitable for a powered wheelchair (leaving aside her total lack of spatial awareness and phobia of technology).
- quite deaf (hearing aid does help, but there are limits)
- Has no interest/desire to see out her days in a home (for which we cannot blame her!), nor does she want a 'live in' carer (2 bed bungalow could make this awkward anyway).
The idea is that she comes to live with us where she can use one downstairs bedroom as her's and the other as her lounge with the shower-room as her own too and we just use the upstairs bedrooms & bathroom. Meals would be whatever we're having (unless it's something she doesn't like in which case she likes ping-meals so no real hassle there).
The difficulties that I can see is that as we're about to retire (Mrs already has) we're looking to take weekends away and longer holidays - neither of which would be well received (taking her with is not an option as she is too frail/infirm). The thought is either:
- Continue with the carers as is (which seems wasteful) but the main benefit being she has company most of the time
- Call in carers on an ad-hoc basis for the longer periods and recognise that 1/2/3 days away are not possible.
The worries/concerns:
- She or us will end up resenting the situation ("you forced me to move"/lack of perceived freedom).
- She will deteriorate (physically) to the point where she'll need to be in a home anyway, which at that point will (possibly) be even more upsetting than it would be now.
- The 'parent as child' issue.
- We have cats (not insurmountable since MiL is more important, honest!!).
- Our house, whilst a 50's design, does have wider doors/passageways than hers meaning that if the technology phobia is overcome maybe a motorised wheelchair could be made to work (and patch-up the scrapes/hole in the plaster coming from her lack of spatial awareness as and when!).
- Whilst she uses a hearing aid she is still noisier (TV/radio) than a non-hard of hearing person
I realise that several on here have had to go/gone through this and I was hoping to tap into the PH 'knowledgebase'
)to set the scene:
- Totally stubborn! Refuses to acknowledge she needs more care (currently has 2 carers AM and noon) especially before bedtime.
- MiL is now 93 very frail and has difficulty walking (even with a zimmer-frame) & in the past 2 months has fallen 3 times necessitating 2 ambulance call-outs. The other time we were able to get her to the bed-room so she could stand up.
- Her bungalow is 1950's with narrow doorways so probably unsuitable for a powered wheelchair (leaving aside her total lack of spatial awareness and phobia of technology).
- quite deaf (hearing aid does help, but there are limits)
- Has no interest/desire to see out her days in a home (for which we cannot blame her!), nor does she want a 'live in' carer (2 bed bungalow could make this awkward anyway).
The idea is that she comes to live with us where she can use one downstairs bedroom as her's and the other as her lounge with the shower-room as her own too and we just use the upstairs bedrooms & bathroom. Meals would be whatever we're having (unless it's something she doesn't like in which case she likes ping-meals so no real hassle there).
The difficulties that I can see is that as we're about to retire (Mrs already has) we're looking to take weekends away and longer holidays - neither of which would be well received (taking her with is not an option as she is too frail/infirm). The thought is either:
- Continue with the carers as is (which seems wasteful) but the main benefit being she has company most of the time
- Call in carers on an ad-hoc basis for the longer periods and recognise that 1/2/3 days away are not possible.
The worries/concerns:
- She or us will end up resenting the situation ("you forced me to move"/lack of perceived freedom).
- She will deteriorate (physically) to the point where she'll need to be in a home anyway, which at that point will (possibly) be even more upsetting than it would be now.
- The 'parent as child' issue.
- We have cats (not insurmountable since MiL is more important, honest!!).
- Our house, whilst a 50's design, does have wider doors/passageways than hers meaning that if the technology phobia is overcome maybe a motorised wheelchair could be made to work (and patch-up the scrapes/hole in the plaster coming from her lack of spatial awareness as and when!).
- Whilst she uses a hearing aid she is still noisier (TV/radio) than a non-hard of hearing person
I realise that several on here have had to go/gone through this and I was hoping to tap into the PH 'knowledgebase'
wildoliver said:
A good hobby will make it all the more bearable.
Drinking or hard drugs probably the best place to start.
Soft drugs are adequate. We moved to Devon in June and brought the MIL with us. She has her own annexe complete with kitchen, bathroom, etc. Drinking or hard drugs probably the best place to start.
So far so good and although she is now registered blind she still has a certain degree of independence, albeit less than she was used to. It’s working for us at present but if in 10 years time she needs more help then we’ll have to reevaluate the situation as she might need more care than I’m able to provide.
It can work but as others have already said, it’s not necessarily easy!
Don't do it!
I made the mistake of allowing my mother to share the family home. She lived with us for 4 years. She was younger than your MiL but her mobility was poor too.
The issues were many. For example, having to turn the gas off outside the house anytime we were going out so she didn't try to cook stinking mackerel burn the house down the moment we left.
What I discovered in those 4 years was that she really was a passive aggressive. Our relationship fractured to the point that I shed not a single tear when she passed away 3 years after moving out from the house.
It may have worked if we could have housed her in an annexe but under the same roof....never.
My wife was remarkably calm but she too ended up resenting her presence.
I made the mistake of allowing my mother to share the family home. She lived with us for 4 years. She was younger than your MiL but her mobility was poor too.
The issues were many. For example, having to turn the gas off outside the house anytime we were going out so she didn't try to
What I discovered in those 4 years was that she really was a passive aggressive. Our relationship fractured to the point that I shed not a single tear when she passed away 3 years after moving out from the house.
It may have worked if we could have housed her in an annexe but under the same roof....never.
My wife was remarkably calm but she too ended up resenting her presence.
nope...
it would cause all sorts of upset and tensions that you should not really be looking at. nursing home. end off.
1. you move them in and they need help / care they will encorach. you will be dealing with that.
2. no matter what they will end up eating with you, and then you will be changing diets to suit thier taste.
3. they wont want to sit on thier own whats the point of living here if im on my own... ill watch what you want to watch...
4. you will worry about holidays who looks after them then...
5. you will worry about going out and leaving them
no no no no....
its a whole can of worms that
it would cause all sorts of upset and tensions that you should not really be looking at. nursing home. end off.
1. you move them in and they need help / care they will encorach. you will be dealing with that.
2. no matter what they will end up eating with you, and then you will be changing diets to suit thier taste.
3. they wont want to sit on thier own whats the point of living here if im on my own... ill watch what you want to watch...
4. you will worry about holidays who looks after them then...
5. you will worry about going out and leaving them
no no no no....
its a whole can of worms that
The other side to this is the potential for the feeling of massive guilt if you don't.
How much longer realistically will she live for, possibly another 4/5 years if she is lucky or unlucky, as the case may be.
My other half lives everyday now with the feeling of regret for not taking her mother in with us for the last 2 years of her life, and her mother had not wanted, or asked, to move out of her own house.
The issues it probably would have caused are far outweighed by the guilt and regret for not doing it or at least offering to do it.
How much longer realistically will she live for, possibly another 4/5 years if she is lucky or unlucky, as the case may be.
My other half lives everyday now with the feeling of regret for not taking her mother in with us for the last 2 years of her life, and her mother had not wanted, or asked, to move out of her own house.
The issues it probably would have caused are far outweighed by the guilt and regret for not doing it or at least offering to do it.
Think again. For the sake of you and your wife.
My ML has had some personal and she intended to move near to us. It's fair to say she was a nightmare while far away and it caused the wife such stress and anxiety so I told her to sell the house she was in and if she didn't have anything ready to just move in with us. Essentially removing the chain to make life easier with the hope it was short term and benefitting the wife.
Ended up being months. "found a place yet?" We all felt uncomfortable. It was brutal.
Now I send her a card every Christmas from a fictional couple called Dave and Hannah. It torments her like crazy and makes me feel I'm starting to get my own back.
My ML has had some personal and she intended to move near to us. It's fair to say she was a nightmare while far away and it caused the wife such stress and anxiety so I told her to sell the house she was in and if she didn't have anything ready to just move in with us. Essentially removing the chain to make life easier with the hope it was short term and benefitting the wife.
Ended up being months. "found a place yet?" We all felt uncomfortable. It was brutal.
Now I send her a card every Christmas from a fictional couple called Dave and Hannah. It torments her like crazy and makes me feel I'm starting to get my own back.
If she wants to stay at home google yr councils occupational therapy services. She might also have access to a disabled facility grant to adapt the home
However it’s means tested and timescales for councils to adapt run into years.
My mother due to frailty (87) rather than anything else has just moved in with my sister. She has a farm though, vast amounts of space and she effectively has a wing to herself. Even with that amount of space I wouldnt fancy sharing the space !
However it’s means tested and timescales for councils to adapt run into years.
My mother due to frailty (87) rather than anything else has just moved in with my sister. She has a farm though, vast amounts of space and she effectively has a wing to herself. Even with that amount of space I wouldnt fancy sharing the space !
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