Discovering a half brother. What to do?
Discussion
Looking through past papers of my Mum and Dad and noticed my Dad’s status on their marriage certificate was divorced.
Did a bit of research and found his first marriage details and also that he had a son. Something we’d never known about.
I’ve researched the son and he is definitely my Dad’s son so my half brother.
What to do now?
Myself and my brother think we’d like to contact the half brother but the question is how?
The only online presence is LinkedIn but he’s now retired so unlikely to pay much attention to LinkedIn.
His work email details are obviously from the work he retired from. I’ve found details of his wife and daughter on FB but it doesn’t seem right to contact them.
Any ideas about how to contact my half brother?
Did a bit of research and found his first marriage details and also that he had a son. Something we’d never known about.
I’ve researched the son and he is definitely my Dad’s son so my half brother.
What to do now?
Myself and my brother think we’d like to contact the half brother but the question is how?
The only online presence is LinkedIn but he’s now retired so unlikely to pay much attention to LinkedIn.
His work email details are obviously from the work he retired from. I’ve found details of his wife and daughter on FB but it doesn’t seem right to contact them.
Any ideas about how to contact my half brother?
About 4 months ago, whilst on holiday in Wales, Vikingette1 received a FaceBook message from a lady who asked if my Dad was her Grandad?
The lady elaborated that someone with my Dads name worked in S
horpe in the 60's and had a liaison with her grandmother, and she had a son, who was the father of the FaceBook lady enquiring. This brought about a lot of pish taking with my Dad, but he calmly explained that he was only ever in Hartlepool for a few years before moving back down to London. As it happened he said that he knew of his namesake. A lot of phone calls to friends and he tracked the guy down and spoke to him. His namesake said that yes, he would very much like to get into contact. So the namesakes mobile number was passed on. Vikingette1 got a thank you message with a group photo at Christmas for bringing 2 families together.
The worst that could happen? The guy doesn't want to know and you just have to accept that. But at least you tried.
The lady elaborated that someone with my Dads name worked in S
horpe in the 60's and had a liaison with her grandmother, and she had a son, who was the father of the FaceBook lady enquiring. This brought about a lot of pish taking with my Dad, but he calmly explained that he was only ever in Hartlepool for a few years before moving back down to London. As it happened he said that he knew of his namesake. A lot of phone calls to friends and he tracked the guy down and spoke to him. His namesake said that yes, he would very much like to get into contact. So the namesakes mobile number was passed on. Vikingette1 got a thank you message with a group photo at Christmas for bringing 2 families together.The worst that could happen? The guy doesn't want to know and you just have to accept that. But at least you tried.
Edited by vikingaero on Monday 21st February 13:51
I would personally recommend contact, if you want to do that, through an intermediary.
This can be your wife, or a close friend or similar.
Whilst you may have decided that you want to contact your half-brother, he may not want you to contact him. A discreet approach through an intermediary is therefore sensible - who knows what kind of life he's had or what he thinks of your Dad/you.
This can be your wife, or a close friend or similar.
Whilst you may have decided that you want to contact your half-brother, he may not want you to contact him. A discreet approach through an intermediary is therefore sensible - who knows what kind of life he's had or what he thinks of your Dad/you.
Tricky situation. Just being devil's advocate, considering you had no knowledge of this chap growing up, one assumes your father had little or no contact with him?
There could be all sorts of emotional issues for this chap, having grown up without his father, that he may not wish to revisit. You could be poking a hornet's nest?
Alternatively you may make up for a lot of lost time and get on famously. As suggested up the thread, sensitive contact via a third party intermediary may be best at first.
There could be all sorts of emotional issues for this chap, having grown up without his father, that he may not wish to revisit. You could be poking a hornet's nest?
Alternatively you may make up for a lot of lost time and get on famously. As suggested up the thread, sensitive contact via a third party intermediary may be best at first.
An elderly woman I know was adopted as a Baby together with her brother after their parents died in the war. Years later she was in the area her parents lived and tracked down someone who knew them. To her astonishment she was told 'you look just like your sisters'. This was the first she'd heard of sisters and tried unsuccessfully to track them down.
Some years later she was again in the same area and looked at their mothers grave to find some flowers had ben put there recently. Spoke to the vicar to ask who might have put them there and was told 'Mrs so and so'. Mrs so and so turned out to be the wife of a fairly famous individual and one of the missing sisters. Contact was made and the newly found sister emailed the third sister in great excitement to say 'I've found the twins!'.
Some years later she was again in the same area and looked at their mothers grave to find some flowers had ben put there recently. Spoke to the vicar to ask who might have put them there and was told 'Mrs so and so'. Mrs so and so turned out to be the wife of a fairly famous individual and one of the missing sisters. Contact was made and the newly found sister emailed the third sister in great excitement to say 'I've found the twins!'.
It's a minefield discovering you have a half brother & what to do next but sadly not one I encountered in my situation.
My mum had a little boy three years before me and put him up for adoption. Never mentioned it to anyone, not even me and she passed away in 1992. A chance remark from her elderly sister about a decade ago made me wonder a little bit but didn't think any more of it.
Can't remember what sparked it but was looking on Free BMD with my lads one night and one of them spotted a birth in 1965 where the mother's surname was the same as mine, very rare. Sent off to the General Register Office for the birth certificate and ta-dah, it was my mum and he was my half brother.
What then held things up was of course he was adopted. Contacted an adoption intermediary who started the search but then the company went bust. The lady that was looking for my brother was taken on by another agency and continued looking. She had a bout of COVID that delayed everything several months and in the end, she brought in a searcher who had worked on "Surprise Surprise" to help. This searcher found my half brother and sent off for all the relevant certification to confirm it.
It all came back. He'd passed away through ill health a few months before I'd started looking for him.
The delays had meant nothing other than frustration really. The agency wrote to his adoptive parents who by now were in their early 80's asking gently for more information on my half brother and he replied almost immediately, they were delighted to offer as much info as they could.
Last September, I met them for lunch and we had a good long chat. Found out loads of info and now we write/phone and will meet more often once the better weather comes and COVID restrictions are behind us.
My story had a bitter sweet ending but the best advice I could give is to go for it, do your best but tread carefully.
My mum had a little boy three years before me and put him up for adoption. Never mentioned it to anyone, not even me and she passed away in 1992. A chance remark from her elderly sister about a decade ago made me wonder a little bit but didn't think any more of it.
Can't remember what sparked it but was looking on Free BMD with my lads one night and one of them spotted a birth in 1965 where the mother's surname was the same as mine, very rare. Sent off to the General Register Office for the birth certificate and ta-dah, it was my mum and he was my half brother.
What then held things up was of course he was adopted. Contacted an adoption intermediary who started the search but then the company went bust. The lady that was looking for my brother was taken on by another agency and continued looking. She had a bout of COVID that delayed everything several months and in the end, she brought in a searcher who had worked on "Surprise Surprise" to help. This searcher found my half brother and sent off for all the relevant certification to confirm it.
It all came back. He'd passed away through ill health a few months before I'd started looking for him.
The delays had meant nothing other than frustration really. The agency wrote to his adoptive parents who by now were in their early 80's asking gently for more information on my half brother and he replied almost immediately, they were delighted to offer as much info as they could.
Last September, I met them for lunch and we had a good long chat. Found out loads of info and now we write/phone and will meet more often once the better weather comes and COVID restrictions are behind us.
My story had a bitter sweet ending but the best advice I could give is to go for it, do your best but tread carefully.
Write to them. I bitterly regret not tracing my birth mother before she died. Lots of my story on PH.
Something simple like "Dear John, I'm trying to trace a John Smith as I think we might be close relations. Please contact me on....if you would like to know more. If I don't hear from you, I will understand and promise not to contact you again"
From my point of view I have two half brothers and three half sisters. Of them all, two sisters and one brother are in contact. I see that as a win because I had zero contact before.
Something simple like "Dear John, I'm trying to trace a John Smith as I think we might be close relations. Please contact me on....if you would like to know more. If I don't hear from you, I will understand and promise not to contact you again"
From my point of view I have two half brothers and three half sisters. Of them all, two sisters and one brother are in contact. I see that as a win because I had zero contact before.
Well I contacted him on LinkedIn saying I was researching family history. Turns out he knew who I was and happily confirmed details of his father, which match my father. He also has a younger brother so last week I had one brother and now I have three!
Luckily all contact has been polite and he seems pleased I took the initiative. Aged 30 he discovered my existence but felt he didn’t want to interfere in the “new family”. He’s very relaxed about everything and is happy to continue contact or even meet if I’m happy to.
It is bizarre though!
Luckily all contact has been polite and he seems pleased I took the initiative. Aged 30 he discovered my existence but felt he didn’t want to interfere in the “new family”. He’s very relaxed about everything and is happy to continue contact or even meet if I’m happy to.
It is bizarre though!
Catz said:
Well I contacted him on LinkedIn saying I was researching family history. Turns out he knew who I was and happily confirmed details of his father, which match my father. He also has a younger brother so last week I had one brother and now I have three!
Luckily all contact has been polite and he seems pleased I took the initiative. Aged 30 he discovered my existence but felt he didn’t want to interfere in the “new family”. He’s very relaxed about everything and is happy to continue contact or even meet if I’m happy to.
It is bizarre though!
Good to hear, I hope it all works out for you. Luckily all contact has been polite and he seems pleased I took the initiative. Aged 30 he discovered my existence but felt he didn’t want to interfere in the “new family”. He’s very relaxed about everything and is happy to continue contact or even meet if I’m happy to.
It is bizarre though!
My mum split from my natural father when I was 3 or 4 years old, it was never a secret from me growing up that he remarried and had a new life with kids.
I've met him 3 or 4 times, and not for the last 25 years.
Last year I accidently stumbled across him on social media, after he commented on a mutual friends post. A few clicks later I learned that I hd 3 half brothers and a half sister, which in itself was not a huge shock, but seeing pictures of them, and with their own family was something that affected me more than I thought it would.
I spent some time pondering what to do, and coming to terms with seeing "my family" - however I don't know how much they know about me, or even if I exist.
I've gone 40 odd years without him or them in my life, and I have no intention of rocking up or making contact with them and possibly opening up a can of worms within a family unit, or creating a drama for them.
Similarly, in hindsight, it is not hard to find eachother in this day in age, especially when coming from a relatively small town. I know how I could have found him in these years, and likewise, he would also know how to make contact with me if he so desired.
As a form of emotional compromise and reconciliation for myself, I did contact that mutual friend and let them know about it, but that also I had no intention of making myself known.
He has respected that, and also let me know it is a very tenuous connection that he has with my natural father.
I have chosen to let sleeping dogs lie. I don't need or want "a new family", and I don't want to set anyone up for a fall.
I've met him 3 or 4 times, and not for the last 25 years.
Last year I accidently stumbled across him on social media, after he commented on a mutual friends post. A few clicks later I learned that I hd 3 half brothers and a half sister, which in itself was not a huge shock, but seeing pictures of them, and with their own family was something that affected me more than I thought it would.
I spent some time pondering what to do, and coming to terms with seeing "my family" - however I don't know how much they know about me, or even if I exist.
I've gone 40 odd years without him or them in my life, and I have no intention of rocking up or making contact with them and possibly opening up a can of worms within a family unit, or creating a drama for them.
Similarly, in hindsight, it is not hard to find eachother in this day in age, especially when coming from a relatively small town. I know how I could have found him in these years, and likewise, he would also know how to make contact with me if he so desired.
As a form of emotional compromise and reconciliation for myself, I did contact that mutual friend and let them know about it, but that also I had no intention of making myself known.
He has respected that, and also let me know it is a very tenuous connection that he has with my natural father.
I have chosen to let sleeping dogs lie. I don't need or want "a new family", and I don't want to set anyone up for a fall.
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