Feeling guilty about missing a funeral

[redrabbit29]

Hey all,

This has been driving me mad over the past few days. I'll try to summarise in a clear manner:

--- My Granddad died a few days ago. It was expected as he was in his 90s and declining in health. Without it sounding as if I am a psychopath it hasn't affected me at all really as I wasn't close with him and rarely saw him. Great man and amazing personality but just didn't have any real relationship with him other than rare visits.

--- The issue is that he and all my family live in Northern Ireland. I live in England.

--- The funeral is set for this Saturday when I am away for the weekend with friends. This has been booked for a while - not that expensive but just something to consider.

I'd have to fly out on Friday
Return on Sunday
Cost would be around £200 in flights, not including parking at airport or travel there (about 90 minutes one way) - plus losing the £100 from the trip away I had planned with friends

My main reason for guilt is that I felt I should attend for my Mum. However, my brother and his wife/kids are going (they live other there), and all My Mum's sisters too. She's told me repeatedly to not worry about it and it's fine (she means this)... but I still feel guilty.

...

Most of the time I am thinking that it's very fair I don't go. The cost alone and travel, for someone I didn't really have a close relationship with.
My Mum has support there
No one would judge me for not going and understand the short notice, the issues over work, money, etc. that many people face
I also had thought I could fly out to see her in the coming weeks to make up for it and to do something together, like take her out for dinner or something

...

Any thoughts here? Am I being a selfish idiot, am I being reasonable? I always struggle with decisions where I feel I may be looked upon badly.

Thanks

Edited by redrabbit29 on Thursday 21st April 00:46

[Trenchard]

Just three thoughts on my part.

Your Mum won't be alone at the funeral so there's not an issue there.
Suppose the positions were reversed and Grandad was looking at attending or missing your send off. What would he do?
The deceased could be more past caring, it is the living you should be considering.

[fizz47]

I would say go..

Even though you were not very close .. your family will be there.

You will probably have another chance to see friends but won’t ever i get the chance to go to your grandad’s funeral..

[PomBstard]

Join online? Have done this twice in the last two years - my cousin had me linked to my Mum’s funeral by FaceTime and then to his Mum’s funeral (my aunt) through the funeral home’s own private link.

I’d have gone to both if we had been allowed to travel, but I’m not one for funerals and really don’t feel I’ve missed out in any way, even though I was very close to both my Mum and aunt.

If you weren’t close, don’t feel pressured to going. It’s always a rubbish time to catch up with family too - far better to make a plan to meet them another time and then go to the remembrance site to pay respects to your grandad at that time if you feel you need to.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead - do what’s right for you, not others, regarding how you choose to remember. We don’t all choose to stand around forlornly.

[sherman]

I would go later in the month to see your mum. Make a point of going to the grave and laying flowers with your mum.

When away with the lads make a moment to toast your grandad. Buy a round of his favourite tipple for the table type thing.

[Roofless Toothless]

Go next time he dies.

[Bill]

redrabbit29 said:

My main reason for guilt is that I felt I should attend for my Mum. However, my brother and his wife/kids are going (they live other there), and all My Mum's sisters too. She's told me repeatedly to not worry about it and it's fine (she means this)... but I still feel guilty.

IMO your relationship with your grandfather is almost irrelevant, it's about your remaining family. If they understand then don't fret about it. Call your mum, especially on the day (just try to make sure it's not when she's trying to get ready!), to let her know you're thinking of her.

redrabbit29 said:

Most of the time I am thinking that it's very fair I don't go. The cost alone and travel, for someone I didn't really have a close relationship with.
My Mum has support there
No one would judge me for not going and understand the short notice, the issues over work, money, etc. that many people face
I also had thought I could fly out to see her in the coming weeks to make up for it and to do something together, like take her out for dinner or something

[Quhet]

It's a tricky one but I would say go to the funeral. It's not necessarily all about your grandfather, it's also about other family members and reaffirming your family ties. Not a particularly good look to be off getting pissed with your mates while the rest of your family is at your granddad's funeral either. I think looking back in years to come, you'd be disappointed in yourself if you didn't go.

[anonymous-user]

I’d go.

I missed an aunts and one of my grandads funerals due to work and location etc but regret not trying harder to get the time off and travel to the funerals.

[croyde]

I have avoided a few family funerals due to having to travel abroad and I'm not great in 'social' occasions.

Saying that I have to go to one tomorrow but it is local.

As an aside my grandad's and my dad's funerals were great get togethers, seeing family and old friends.

As my daughter said, just a shame they couldn't be there to enjoy the evening.

[bigpriest]

Personal experience says in the months / years to come your family will appreciate support and/or visits a lot more than at the time of the funeral.

[r1ch]

With things like this I will always go with my gut, if I were you i'd probably go if you had any doubts about not going as you don't want regrets. But more in terms of the person that has died rather than what people would think of you.

In a similar way a colleague of mine died not that long ago and I felt the funeral wasn't in a way "necessary" to go. But on the day of the funeral I felt a strong urge that I needed to go and say my farewells, and I left work to attend. I'm glad I went..

[Drawweight]

This is going to horrify PH but my wife didn’t attend her mothers funeral as we had a holiday prebooked.

The family discussed it and her brothers were completely on her side. They aren’t a close knit family so it wasn’t like dozens of uncles, aunties and cousin were going to be discussing why she wasn’t there.

However one important point was she was there at her side when her mother died so in effect had already said her goodbyes.

The actual day of the funeral was a bit uncomfortable but it was her decision and hers alone not to go and she’s quite at peace with it.

So OP do what you want for yourself.

[anonymous-user]

The fact that it's been driving you mad for the past few days shows you're not sure what's right so the answer may as well be a logical one.

If you don't go you may later regret it. You won't be able to change that. However if you go, you're unlikely to regret that. Even if you realise when you're there that you didn't need to go; you've still seen your Mom. There'll be a day when you wish you could do that.

[TimmyMallett]

Go. There will be more get togethers and your friends will understand.

[deckster]

Go. It's not about how people will think of you, but about paying your respects and celebrating his life.

As has been said, there will be other weekends away with your mates. Your granddad isn't going to die again.

Also, the tone of your post is very much that you know that you should go but are looking for validation for your desire to put your social life first. Personally I think that's the wrong choice and you know it. You will feel much better about yourself if you make the right choice and go.

[Al Gorithum]

Funerals are normally about paying respect to those left behind. If you feel they're worthy of it you should go. Or not as the case may be.

For me it's about doing the right thing.

[StevieBee]

Regardless of the relationship you had, without him there'd be no you and that should be deserving of recognition if nothing else.

Mum and family may well say not to bother and don't worry and all that. But if you don't go your absence will fester in their minds - guaranteed. And truth be told, if you don't go, it will in yours which will mean you'll unlikely be able to fully enjoy your weekend away with friends.

It's up to you of course but if you're looking for votes then mine would be to go.

[gotoPzero]

Another vote for go.

Sounds like he never did you any harm and was a good guy. For that, I would sacrifice a weekend with mates.

He wont know you are there, but down the line as you get older you might see things differently and wish you had gone.

[languagetimothy]

During peak covid my mother died (not from covid) and we were close. I live in the EU and travelling to UK at the time was very difficult. I had seen her a few months before but whilst I was there she was taken to hospital. It got to a time when flights were starting to be cancelled and travel seriously restricted and I had to get back home or be stranded in the UK.

I watched the funeral online. Did I feel bad about it? Yes of course but it is what it is.

A few weeks ago I was back in the UK and met up with my sister to deal with the ashes.

If you feel you can’t go perhaps you could write a few words that can be read out at the funeral then just make sure you try to get over another time and as you suggested, take your mum out and raise a few glasses to him.