Have a word with mate's ex wife or stay the hell out of it?
Discussion
Hi All,
Just wondering what the PH consensus would be.
One of my close friends is currently going through a divorce. Neither of them did anything naughty, the relationship just wasn't working, they tried couples therapy and still didn't get there.
Anyway since the split his ex wife has gone the full PH SWT and is doing her best to ruin his life and take him for everything possible.
Despite the last few months being pretty s
tty for him he had still been his usual chatty cheerful self and coping with it all. I went out to lunch with him last week and I'm quite concerned about him now. He was not himself, just a distanced, distracted shell. I messaged him after and he said he is struggling at the moment, "getting caught up in a dark cloud".
He has taken this downturn after the latest round of solicitors letters, and having read them I can see why.
We used to live close, his marital home is a few hundred yards from me, he had to move out, wife still there. I walk the dog past every morning. Been wondering the last couple of days if I should knock on the door and let her know what she is doing to him and my concern about him, nice and calmly not having a go at her.
They don't talk so she has no idea, she is probably just assuming she is pissing him off rather than doing any proper damage. They have a 1 year old son who he is a great dad to and I don't think, much as she hates him now, she would actually want to risk pushing him over the edge and making their child fatherless.
Spoke about it to my wife and as much as she appreciates what I'm thinking and my good intentions, says that I should probably stay out of it, possibly in case it comes across as him sending his mates round to harass her and makes things worse for him.
Appreciate your thoughts.
Just wondering what the PH consensus would be.
One of my close friends is currently going through a divorce. Neither of them did anything naughty, the relationship just wasn't working, they tried couples therapy and still didn't get there.
Anyway since the split his ex wife has gone the full PH SWT and is doing her best to ruin his life and take him for everything possible.
Despite the last few months being pretty s
tty for him he had still been his usual chatty cheerful self and coping with it all. I went out to lunch with him last week and I'm quite concerned about him now. He was not himself, just a distanced, distracted shell. I messaged him after and he said he is struggling at the moment, "getting caught up in a dark cloud". He has taken this downturn after the latest round of solicitors letters, and having read them I can see why.
We used to live close, his marital home is a few hundred yards from me, he had to move out, wife still there. I walk the dog past every morning. Been wondering the last couple of days if I should knock on the door and let her know what she is doing to him and my concern about him, nice and calmly not having a go at her.
They don't talk so she has no idea, she is probably just assuming she is pissing him off rather than doing any proper damage. They have a 1 year old son who he is a great dad to and I don't think, much as she hates him now, she would actually want to risk pushing him over the edge and making their child fatherless.
Spoke about it to my wife and as much as she appreciates what I'm thinking and my good intentions, says that I should probably stay out of it, possibly in case it comes across as him sending his mates round to harass her and makes things worse for him.
Appreciate your thoughts.
Honestly don't think you reaching out to her is going to have any positive effect, much more likely to go the wrong way through no fault of any party. Unless of course you were old pals with her as well, but it doesn't sound that way.
Best you can do is be there for your mate if he is in a bad place, you'd do better to reach out to mutual friends and his family and tell them how he is if they don't already know, so that he has a proper support bubble around him.
Best you can do is be there for your mate if he is in a bad place, you'd do better to reach out to mutual friends and his family and tell them how he is if they don't already know, so that he has a proper support bubble around him.
RB Will said:
I should probably stay out of it, possibly in case it comes across as him sending his mates round to harass her and makes things worse for him.
Unfortunately that seems the best course of action. Only other option does his ex keep to any schedule, going to work etc? If so maybe you could happen to be walking your dog past her house at that point - then it would be appropriate to have a few words.
So if you go & ‘have a quiet word’ with her... you might not get a welcome response.
This could get back to your mate... which in turn could cause conflict & become a nasty triangle.
Yarp... I would stay well away from her, but TRY not to get caught in the middle of their problems.
There is going to be a lot of ‘mudslinging’ between them... you don’t really want to be in the line of fire.
This could get back to your mate... which in turn could cause conflict & become a nasty triangle.
Yarp... I would stay well away from her, but TRY not to get caught in the middle of their problems.
There is going to be a lot of ‘mudslinging’ between them... you don’t really want to be in the line of fire.
Edited by Milkyway on Thursday 16th June 14:53
You've got great intentions and all that, but I would heed the advice above and stay out of it - other than keep being there for your mate.
As it is written in black and white above, I would expect your efforts would only serve to wind her up, regardless of how politely and calmly you approach. You don't want her to start claiming 'harassment'.....
As it is written in black and white above, I would expect your efforts would only serve to wind her up, regardless of how politely and calmly you approach. You don't want her to start claiming 'harassment'.....
Spend all your energy supporting him personally. The bork potential of this situation goes biblical the moment you go beyond him.
Intentions will always be honourable, but it's already a really charged situation and no one is thinking logically so what might seem perfectly reasonable to you, can (and normally will) be interpreted in negative ways you couldn't even imagine.
i --AM-- speaking form experience.
Intentions will always be honourable, but it's already a really charged situation and no one is thinking logically so what might seem perfectly reasonable to you, can (and normally will) be interpreted in negative ways you couldn't even imagine.
i --AM-- speaking form experience.
Zetec-S said:
Nickbrapp said:
Why so often is it the man that moves out when overwhelmingly he is the main earner?
Simple - usually the woman ends up with the kids.Kids wise he does as much as he can, he has the son for 3 days a week, her 4, though he is getting stung with the child support as although he has him 3 days it is apparently only where the child stays overnight that counts and he only does 2 nights to her 5. Eg mate pics up son 8am Tuesday, has him until Thursday evening.
Thanks for the input chaps, will abide by the general consensus, and the wife, and stay the hell out of it.
Though if he does do anything to himself I might go round and kick her in the flaps.
RB Will said:
In my mates particular case, it was to save his sanity and save any conflict he would have regretted. He works long hours on variable shifts in a pretty responsible job, she was making it difficult keeping him up , banging around while he was trying to sleep through the day and being generally toxic after / before 12-14 hour shifts.
Kids wise he does as much as he can, he has the son for 3 days a week, her 4, though he is getting stung with the child support as although he has him 3 days it is apparently only where the child stays overnight that counts and he only does 2 nights to her 5. Eg mate pics up son 8am Tuesday, has him until Thursday evening.
Thanks for the input chaps, will abide by the general consensus, and the wife, and stay the hell out of it.
Though if he does do anything to himself I might go round and kick her in the flaps.
In many cases, the guy goes to enormous lengths to do the best for the kids, despite hassle from the wife, lack of money, massive stress etc etc. There's something not at all correct in many of these situations.Kids wise he does as much as he can, he has the son for 3 days a week, her 4, though he is getting stung with the child support as although he has him 3 days it is apparently only where the child stays overnight that counts and he only does 2 nights to her 5. Eg mate pics up son 8am Tuesday, has him until Thursday evening.
Thanks for the input chaps, will abide by the general consensus, and the wife, and stay the hell out of it.
Though if he does do anything to himself I might go round and kick her in the flaps.
........and before anybody says it, not all men are the same and many men deserve to be stitched up for what they've done. It's just terrible for virtually everybody affected.
Vasco said:
In many cases, the guy goes to enormous lengths to do the best for the kids, despite hassle from the wife, lack of money, massive stress etc etc. There's something not at all correct in many of these situations.
........and before anybody says it, not all men are the same and many men deserve to be stitched up for what they've done. It's just terrible for virtually everybody affected.
Agree...’ It takes two to tango’ & there are always two sides to a story.........and before anybody says it, not all men are the same and many men deserve to be stitched up for what they've done. It's just terrible for virtually everybody affected.
But... it’s important to try & keep any children involved in a settled environment.
Just to add to the consensus of the thread, do not get involved, at all.
Be there for your mate, but any interference won't be welcomed and will be used against him.
With a 1yo kid he's got a heck of a long way to go - I honestly don't know how people manage it - but your job now is to be a good pal to him and help him in other ways.
Be there for your mate, but any interference won't be welcomed and will be used against him.
With a 1yo kid he's got a heck of a long way to go - I honestly don't know how people manage it - but your job now is to be a good pal to him and help him in other ways.
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