Not treating children equally
Discussion
That sounds crap to me but almost as if it's pity driven in the case of your OH's brother.
When I was really young my nutcase mother favoured me over my siblings which led to big Fallings out. We sorted that all out and since then we've been really close. We're talking when I was 6 or 7.
None of us talk to our mother for that and a host of other reasons.
Our father helps one of my siblings out more than us but I am in a better position and I'm happy he helps them more than me. In fact I encourage it.
When I was really young my nutcase mother favoured me over my siblings which led to big Fallings out. We sorted that all out and since then we've been really close. We're talking when I was 6 or 7.
None of us talk to our mother for that and a host of other reasons.
Our father helps one of my siblings out more than us but I am in a better position and I'm happy he helps them more than me. In fact I encourage it.
heisthegaffer said:
Our father helps one of my siblings out more than us but I am in a better position and I'm happy he helps them more than me. In fact I encourage it.
I think this is all wrong. You might be in a better position now, but maybe not in the future, when your dad might no be around to redress the balance. Kids should be treated financially the same, regardless of their individual circumstances. The only exceptions would be for catering for a disability perhaps, or if one was a drug addict or similar. Imho.
I'm sure this is a fairly common thing.
In the eye's of my grandmother, my mum's 2 older brothers can do no wrong. All they need to do is rock up once or twice a year and take her out for lunch. Whereas my mum and her sister always take the brunt of her criticism, even though they are the ones who help her out with the more regular day-to-day tasks.
And the older of my 2 niece's can't do anything right, constantly shouted at by my SiL. Sometimes deservedly, but a lot of the time it isn't. She's lumbered with all the chores, yet the younger niece get's away with doing nothing.
In the eye's of my grandmother, my mum's 2 older brothers can do no wrong. All they need to do is rock up once or twice a year and take her out for lunch. Whereas my mum and her sister always take the brunt of her criticism, even though they are the ones who help her out with the more regular day-to-day tasks.
And the older of my 2 niece's can't do anything right, constantly shouted at by my SiL. Sometimes deservedly, but a lot of the time it isn't. She's lumbered with all the chores, yet the younger niece get's away with doing nothing.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Not sure if you have children. Do/did you benefit from any babysitting from the grandparents at all. I would sooner have some free child care than £300 a month if it was available. We certainly wouldn’t mind a bit more involvement from our parents to see the grandchildren, but wouldn’t readily wish to accept money as they would be better spending it on themselves.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Exactly the same experience as with my ex wives family. None of them have ever worked a day in their lives, and one of her sisters is constantly being bailed out financially by her mum.The most recent experience is her sister buying loads of Christmas presents on credit, her mum bailing her out and then phoning my ex wife to "borrow" (from experience there will not ever be an offer to pay it back, they think you have loads of money so why should they?) some money as "their benefit payments were late due to an issue".
The "it's OK for you, you are lucky" thing really used to boil my piss. Lucky I didn't just stop going to school at 15? Lucky that I took my GCSEs? Lucky that I then spent two years doing my A levels? Luckily that I then spent four years doing a degree? Lucky that I then worked full time, saving up for five years before getting a mortgage and buying our house?
Whilst you find it to stressful to actually be awake before the early afternoon? Plus you know every two weeks you will be given money for nothing, whilst if I lose my job I am on my own.
Yup I am definitely the lucky one.
We're treated too equally, my sister and I. We're in our 40s, she needs occasional help with big bills, I don't. My parents still worry about treating us equally, like I'll have some sort of juvenile tantrum, instead of just being pleased they're able to help my sister out. I think they're finally realising this. 
Yup very familiar indeed.
My sister (9yrs older) has always been the favourite and gifted a lot over the years. She has a decent job and is relatively senior in the civil service, her husband has a management position too.
My sister has had 2 houses bought for her as wedding gifts by my parents (the first was sold in her divorce and the 50% proceeds kept with zero issues with this). My first wedding, our wedding present was a washing machine (we had a small rented flat at the time), my second wedding, a washer/drier.
They bailed my sister out of loans, credit card debt, car finance, paid for car maintenance, whole new vehicles, holidays, clothes, outings, big gifts for big birthdays plus every Christmas (haute couture clothes, jewellery, spa weekends, etc.) etc., paid for my niblings education, collected them every day from school while in infants and juniors, paid for their out of school activities from being 5-6 upto now, covered their driving lessons (and tests) and have committed to buying them a new car when they pass their test - it just goes on and on.
All the challenges, however minor, my sister faces are world-ending, every minor promotion is like landing the euromillions. My parents dont even know what I do, who I work for, what qualifications I have, etc. there is zero interest, even when I did some work in Whitehall and Downing St (as a nationally recognised subject matter expert in my field) they couldn't have cared less - which I find the strangest as they both had pretty good careers for big corporations (IBM and Walmart respectively)
I get lots of criticism, negativity and berated for the most minor and ludicrous of things.
Me, well they've helped me once, I needed a bridging loan to build my house 5yrs ago and they lent me £25k for 12weeks with the stipulation that they needed the money back plus interest at that point, the interest was £3k, frankly extortion but I was over a barrel and was duly paid. (ETA. probably worth noting that they did not need the money back at all, they're sitting very pretty)
Never helped with my debts of any nature, when my first wife and I split - I had a huge amount of debt that she had taken in my name (c.£50k worth), I worked tirelessly for 6yrs and cleared it all, myself.
Birthdays for me, mainly a card and £50 / Christmas the same, irrespective of if its "big" or not.
They play little in my daughters life, dont spend any time with her, dont talk to her, etc. - she sees them maybe once a month for 2hrs and at the ripe age of 7.5yrs already dreads it and openly comments that they dont listen to her and dont know anything about her.
They keep saying that everything will be split 50/50 in their will, I doubt it tbh.
The more time that passes, the older they get (and closer to the proverbial end) the less I am inclined to spend time with them - as sad as that is.
ETA (Again); the more I think about this the more disparity I remember, every year my sister and my mum have a big shopping trip (London / New York / Hong Kong / Vegas / Paris / etc.) to do their Christmas shopping, every year the whole cost of the trip plus all the shopping is picked up by mum.
Weddings; Sister had 2 massive occasions (one a church and golf club, one seaham hall) hired out in full for the whole day - paid for in full by my parents ... My first wedding was at a bandstand in a park (totally free) with a meal afterwards - I paid for it all, my second was in Central Park, NY, only my mum came, my dad, sister, BIL, nibbling - didnt want to be there - I offered to pay the whole lot for them to come out, they wouldnt do it.
My sister (9yrs older) has always been the favourite and gifted a lot over the years. She has a decent job and is relatively senior in the civil service, her husband has a management position too.
My sister has had 2 houses bought for her as wedding gifts by my parents (the first was sold in her divorce and the 50% proceeds kept with zero issues with this). My first wedding, our wedding present was a washing machine (we had a small rented flat at the time), my second wedding, a washer/drier.
They bailed my sister out of loans, credit card debt, car finance, paid for car maintenance, whole new vehicles, holidays, clothes, outings, big gifts for big birthdays plus every Christmas (haute couture clothes, jewellery, spa weekends, etc.) etc., paid for my niblings education, collected them every day from school while in infants and juniors, paid for their out of school activities from being 5-6 upto now, covered their driving lessons (and tests) and have committed to buying them a new car when they pass their test - it just goes on and on.
All the challenges, however minor, my sister faces are world-ending, every minor promotion is like landing the euromillions. My parents dont even know what I do, who I work for, what qualifications I have, etc. there is zero interest, even when I did some work in Whitehall and Downing St (as a nationally recognised subject matter expert in my field) they couldn't have cared less - which I find the strangest as they both had pretty good careers for big corporations (IBM and Walmart respectively)
I get lots of criticism, negativity and berated for the most minor and ludicrous of things.
Me, well they've helped me once, I needed a bridging loan to build my house 5yrs ago and they lent me £25k for 12weeks with the stipulation that they needed the money back plus interest at that point, the interest was £3k, frankly extortion but I was over a barrel and was duly paid. (ETA. probably worth noting that they did not need the money back at all, they're sitting very pretty)
Never helped with my debts of any nature, when my first wife and I split - I had a huge amount of debt that she had taken in my name (c.£50k worth), I worked tirelessly for 6yrs and cleared it all, myself.
Birthdays for me, mainly a card and £50 / Christmas the same, irrespective of if its "big" or not.
They play little in my daughters life, dont spend any time with her, dont talk to her, etc. - she sees them maybe once a month for 2hrs and at the ripe age of 7.5yrs already dreads it and openly comments that they dont listen to her and dont know anything about her.
They keep saying that everything will be split 50/50 in their will, I doubt it tbh.
The more time that passes, the older they get (and closer to the proverbial end) the less I am inclined to spend time with them - as sad as that is.
ETA (Again); the more I think about this the more disparity I remember, every year my sister and my mum have a big shopping trip (London / New York / Hong Kong / Vegas / Paris / etc.) to do their Christmas shopping, every year the whole cost of the trip plus all the shopping is picked up by mum.
Weddings; Sister had 2 massive occasions (one a church and golf club, one seaham hall) hired out in full for the whole day - paid for in full by my parents ... My first wedding was at a bandstand in a park (totally free) with a meal afterwards - I paid for it all, my second was in Central Park, NY, only my mum came, my dad, sister, BIL, nibbling - didnt want to be there - I offered to pay the whole lot for them to come out, they wouldnt do it.
Edited by Alorotom on Thursday 21st July 14:36
Family dynamics, its common I can see why people get worked up about but IME it's best just to let it slide.
I've a different outlook since I've had kids of my own they're both <10. As soon as I hit 18 I was expected to be financially independent by my dad, my mother was much softer. I would scoff at people who had kids still living at home with their parents, living a subsidised existence, getting a car bought and paid for, which meant they could work a minimal amount of hours in menial jobs to give them decent enough income for a good standard of living. I don't plan to ever go that far as there's little motivation to better yourself in that sort of scenario to better yourself but would give them a leg up if I could afford it and/or help them if they're ever down in life.
Your BiL sounds a bit like mine. Bit of a f@#k up, bounced from job to job and lives rent free with the MiL, follows a pattern of getting a job then doing something brain dead to get sacked. Bought himself a car out of her money. He will do some running around on her behalf. When the mother in law passes, my OH is keen that he keeps the house, don't know how here other siblings feel about it. We don't need the money but also don't see why he should-nice to pass something on to our kids and other grand kids but cross that bridge when we come to it......
I've a different outlook since I've had kids of my own they're both <10. As soon as I hit 18 I was expected to be financially independent by my dad, my mother was much softer. I would scoff at people who had kids still living at home with their parents, living a subsidised existence, getting a car bought and paid for, which meant they could work a minimal amount of hours in menial jobs to give them decent enough income for a good standard of living. I don't plan to ever go that far as there's little motivation to better yourself in that sort of scenario to better yourself but would give them a leg up if I could afford it and/or help them if they're ever down in life.
Your BiL sounds a bit like mine. Bit of a f@#k up, bounced from job to job and lives rent free with the MiL, follows a pattern of getting a job then doing something brain dead to get sacked. Bought himself a car out of her money. He will do some running around on her behalf. When the mother in law passes, my OH is keen that he keeps the house, don't know how here other siblings feel about it. We don't need the money but also don't see why he should-nice to pass something on to our kids and other grand kids but cross that bridge when we come to it......
This is certainly a thing OP. I am seeing it now with my MIL and her 2 grandkids. Ours and Mrs BB's siblings kid. Not so much money but definitely with time. It's so obvious that my daughter thinks her cousin and nanny come as a pair.
Growing up my mom didn't give any of us more than any other I don't think. She had nothing to give money wise but as she got older and more in need of help I was always the one to take her shopping/hospital appts etc . My brothers never drove so it was all down to me to help, but my brother was more than happy every Saturday morning to come up to her house and do all his washing and drying for free. Hardly a thank you and would always eat whatever he could find.
Growing up my mom didn't give any of us more than any other I don't think. She had nothing to give money wise but as she got older and more in need of help I was always the one to take her shopping/hospital appts etc . My brothers never drove so it was all down to me to help, but my brother was more than happy every Saturday morning to come up to her house and do all his washing and drying for free. Hardly a thank you and would always eat whatever he could find.
When I was a child I had £1 a week pocket money. I moaned at 12 ish I needed more so had to do hours of cleaning (hoovering/dishwasher) for £5 a week. I soon found other industrious ways of making similar amounts.
But, my eldest sibling five years younger had a mobile phone (age 14 circa 1992 prob) and horse by age about 10 through 22- Parents were paying for that until the divorce (theirs).
It didn’t bother me, I find it funny is all. Just the way life is/was.
She is also still the beneficiary of emergency funds each big event, still owes me a few KK I don’t expect back.
God love her
I conclude that my parents had more time for me, but more money for her.
I am trying to not repeat the cycle when it comes to my own kids with teaching them things at this early age as my sister was much less academic and I suspect it was due to time spent reading, doing spellings and supporting homework etc. during lockdown I know we haven’t had the same time for youngest as his three year older brother and it did start to show with some things.
Maybe these setbacks do have negative outcomes - that are addressed by enabling behaviours later.
But, my eldest sibling five years younger had a mobile phone (age 14 circa 1992 prob) and horse by age about 10 through 22- Parents were paying for that until the divorce (theirs).
It didn’t bother me, I find it funny is all. Just the way life is/was.
She is also still the beneficiary of emergency funds each big event, still owes me a few KK I don’t expect back.
God love her
I conclude that my parents had more time for me, but more money for her.
I am trying to not repeat the cycle when it comes to my own kids with teaching them things at this early age as my sister was much less academic and I suspect it was due to time spent reading, doing spellings and supporting homework etc. during lockdown I know we haven’t had the same time for youngest as his three year older brother and it did start to show with some things.
Maybe these setbacks do have negative outcomes - that are addressed by enabling behaviours later.
Alorotom said:
Yup very familiar indeed.
My sister (9yrs older) has always been the favourite and gifted a lot over the years. She has a decent job and is relatively senior in the civil service, her husband has a management position too.
My sister has had 2 houses bought for her as wedding gifts by my parents (the first was sold in her divorce and the 50% proceeds kept with zero issues with this). My first wedding, our wedding present was a washing machine (we had a small rented flat at the time), my second wedding, a washer/drier.
They bailed my sister out of loans, credit card debt, car finance, paid for car maintenance, whole new vehicles, holidays, clothes, outings, big gifts for big birthdays plus every Christmas (haute couture clothes, jewellery, spa weekends, etc.) etc., paid for my niblings education, collected them every day from school while in infants and juniors, paid for their out of school activities from being 5-6 upto now, covered their driving lessons (and tests) and have committed to buying them a new car when they pass their test - it just goes on and on.
All the challenges, however minor, my sister faces are world-ending, every minor promotion is like landing the euromillions. My parents dont even know what I do, who I work for, what qualifications I have, etc. there is zero interest, even when I did some work in Whitehall and Downing St (as a nationally recognised subject matter expert in my field) they couldn't have cared less - which I find the strangest as they both had pretty good careers for big corporations (IBM and Walmart respectively)
I get lots of criticism, negativity and berated for the most minor and ludicrous of things.
Me, well they've helped me once, I needed a bridging loan to build my house 5yrs ago and they lent me £25k for 12weeks with the stipulation that they needed the money back plus interest at that point, the interest was £3k, frankly extortion but I was over a barrel and was duly paid. (ETA. probably worth noting that they did not need the money back at all, they're sitting very pretty)
Never helped with my debts of any nature, when my first wife and I split - I had a huge amount of debt that she had taken in my name (c.£50k worth), I worked tirelessly for 6yrs and cleared it all, myself.
Birthdays for me, mainly a card and £50 / Christmas the same, irrespective of if its "big" or not.
They play little in my daughters life, dont spend any time with her, dont talk to her, etc. - she sees them maybe once a month for 2hrs and at the ripe age of 7.5yrs already dreads it and openly comments that they dont listen to her and dont know anything about her.
They keep saying that everything will be split 50/50 in their will, I doubt it tbh.
The more time that passes, the older they get (and closer to the proverbial end) the less I am inclined to spend time with them - as sad as that is.
Jeez, If I were you I’d get a DNA test!My sister (9yrs older) has always been the favourite and gifted a lot over the years. She has a decent job and is relatively senior in the civil service, her husband has a management position too.
My sister has had 2 houses bought for her as wedding gifts by my parents (the first was sold in her divorce and the 50% proceeds kept with zero issues with this). My first wedding, our wedding present was a washing machine (we had a small rented flat at the time), my second wedding, a washer/drier.
They bailed my sister out of loans, credit card debt, car finance, paid for car maintenance, whole new vehicles, holidays, clothes, outings, big gifts for big birthdays plus every Christmas (haute couture clothes, jewellery, spa weekends, etc.) etc., paid for my niblings education, collected them every day from school while in infants and juniors, paid for their out of school activities from being 5-6 upto now, covered their driving lessons (and tests) and have committed to buying them a new car when they pass their test - it just goes on and on.
All the challenges, however minor, my sister faces are world-ending, every minor promotion is like landing the euromillions. My parents dont even know what I do, who I work for, what qualifications I have, etc. there is zero interest, even when I did some work in Whitehall and Downing St (as a nationally recognised subject matter expert in my field) they couldn't have cared less - which I find the strangest as they both had pretty good careers for big corporations (IBM and Walmart respectively)
I get lots of criticism, negativity and berated for the most minor and ludicrous of things.
Me, well they've helped me once, I needed a bridging loan to build my house 5yrs ago and they lent me £25k for 12weeks with the stipulation that they needed the money back plus interest at that point, the interest was £3k, frankly extortion but I was over a barrel and was duly paid. (ETA. probably worth noting that they did not need the money back at all, they're sitting very pretty)
Never helped with my debts of any nature, when my first wife and I split - I had a huge amount of debt that she had taken in my name (c.£50k worth), I worked tirelessly for 6yrs and cleared it all, myself.
Birthdays for me, mainly a card and £50 / Christmas the same, irrespective of if its "big" or not.
They play little in my daughters life, dont spend any time with her, dont talk to her, etc. - she sees them maybe once a month for 2hrs and at the ripe age of 7.5yrs already dreads it and openly comments that they dont listen to her and dont know anything about her.
They keep saying that everything will be split 50/50 in their will, I doubt it tbh.
The more time that passes, the older they get (and closer to the proverbial end) the less I am inclined to spend time with them - as sad as that is.
Edited by Alorotom on Thursday 21st July 14:20
Edited by Alorotom on Thursday 21st July 14:21
Still it’s better than having no parents.
My sister is completely and utterly dependent on my parents. I'm mid 30s, she's early 40s, parents are mid 70s...
She had a child aged 21, my parents paid off her mortgage at the same time. 20 years on and they are "supplementing" her income alongside her not having to pay anything towards her own housing for the same 20 years. Cars, car insurance, any insurance, any house expenditure, furniture, holidays, anything related to the child who is now 19 (eg used to be anything for school, birthday / christmas presents etc).
She works full time but minimum wage and has never tried to better herself. She's now a full blown manic depressive and alcoholic, which lends to the pitying and handouts. I could be more sympathetic but like I said she's never tried to improve herself or her position, she apparently likes her misery...
I hate to know how much she has funneled out of parents...
She had a child aged 21, my parents paid off her mortgage at the same time. 20 years on and they are "supplementing" her income alongside her not having to pay anything towards her own housing for the same 20 years. Cars, car insurance, any insurance, any house expenditure, furniture, holidays, anything related to the child who is now 19 (eg used to be anything for school, birthday / christmas presents etc).
She works full time but minimum wage and has never tried to better herself. She's now a full blown manic depressive and alcoholic, which lends to the pitying and handouts. I could be more sympathetic but like I said she's never tried to improve herself or her position, she apparently likes her misery...
I hate to know how much she has funneled out of parents...
Superflow said:
Jeez, If I were you I’d get a DNA test!
Still it’s better than having no parents.
Id be lying if it hadn't crossed my mind before. One of the oddest parts about it all is that my sister is actually a half-sister and my dad adopted her when she was about 7 when my parents got married.Still it’s better than having no parents.
I have 4 siblings and i think we all got treated differently.
To be fair when i was born my mum had only just moved to the UK, we were sharing a house with two other families, and dad was working all the hours he could. He didn't have a lot of time for me or my older brother. When our younger siblings came along things were a lot better financially, which meant that he was able to spoil them more. I never begrudged it - it was just one of those things. I was (always have been) quite protective of my younger siblings so I've never minded them being more "spoiled".
If I was honest I'd say I've also treated my own kids differently. Two of them are very independent but my youngest is a lot more gentle. Different kids need different things from their mum and dad. the trick is knowing what they need and providing it.
To be fair when i was born my mum had only just moved to the UK, we were sharing a house with two other families, and dad was working all the hours he could. He didn't have a lot of time for me or my older brother. When our younger siblings came along things were a lot better financially, which meant that he was able to spoil them more. I never begrudged it - it was just one of those things. I was (always have been) quite protective of my younger siblings so I've never minded them being more "spoiled".
If I was honest I'd say I've also treated my own kids differently. Two of them are very independent but my youngest is a lot more gentle. Different kids need different things from their mum and dad. the trick is knowing what they need and providing it.
There are some stronger people here than me here. I would have walked away from parents being treated like Alorotom was. No idea what you do, qualified as, work for etc… as you say, that is genuinely not caring at all.
Then carrying on with the same routine with a grand-daughter – heartless.
Then carrying on with the same routine with a grand-daughter – heartless.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff