Just ask a question ffs
Discussion
Sat in the pub the other day and was introduced to some new people, one of which I was sat next to.
After 45mins I knew his life story, because I had asked him questions and shown interest (well for a while).
At no time did he ask me anything about my life or job and when I left all he knew about me was my name.
Makes me mad, I think because he would have gone away thinking what a great night, I chatted away and that bloke who loved my stories etc. Where I am feeling frustrated I wasted my energy on someone who could not care less about anyone else.
Is it just me that feels like this !
After 45mins I knew his life story, because I had asked him questions and shown interest (well for a while).
At no time did he ask me anything about my life or job and when I left all he knew about me was my name.
Makes me mad, I think because he would have gone away thinking what a great night, I chatted away and that bloke who loved my stories etc. Where I am feeling frustrated I wasted my energy on someone who could not care less about anyone else.
Is it just me that feels like this !
skilly1 said:
Sat in the pub the other day and was introduced to some new people, one of which I was sat next to.
After 45mins I knew his life story, because I had asked him questions and shown interest (well for a while).
At no time did he ask me anything about my life or job and when I left all he knew about me was my name.
Makes me mad, I think because he would have gone away thinking what a great night, I chatted away and that bloke who loved my stories etc. Where I am feeling frustrated I wasted my energy on someone who could not care less about anyone else.
Is it just me that feels like this !
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...After 45mins I knew his life story, because I had asked him questions and shown interest (well for a while).
At no time did he ask me anything about my life or job and when I left all he knew about me was my name.
Makes me mad, I think because he would have gone away thinking what a great night, I chatted away and that bloke who loved my stories etc. Where I am feeling frustrated I wasted my energy on someone who could not care less about anyone else.
Is it just me that feels like this !
parabolica said:
It’s the opposite of that thread! He had no problem talking and neither would I if I had the chance. A surprising number of people are somewhere on the autistic spectrum (myself included) and find it really hard to ask questions, especially of a personal nature. Some of us actually forget that other people have their own narratives, and we treat the whole world as if they were "non-playing characters" as I think gamers call them. As in they forget that other people have lives of their own and are not there just to make sandwiches or pay us a wage. Talking about a subject you know well (yourself) is a very easy way to fill time and means you don't have to come up with small talk, which is another area of difficulty for those of us on the spectrum. To compound matters, some of us like to talk without realising that we're boring other people, but I think that's because we forget that they're actually people with their own interests.
My point is that the person you were sitting next to may not be knowingly selfish or uninterested. They just don't relate to the world or the people who inhabit it the same way you do. While I'm definitely on the high functioning end of the spectrum, I really do have to work hard to appear "normal". I have to make a deliberate effort to make a note of their name, and if their preferred topic of conversation isn't something I'm particularly interested in, I have to work hard to keep a conversation going. In fact it can very quickly become mentally exhausting, so much so that I actively avoid situations where I'm likely to have to talk to a stranger for an extended period of time. some people find this strange as they think I'm an outgoing and gregarious personality. I am. But only when I am in a group of people I already know well enough to be able to relax in their company.
My point is that the person you were sitting next to may not be knowingly selfish or uninterested. They just don't relate to the world or the people who inhabit it the same way you do. While I'm definitely on the high functioning end of the spectrum, I really do have to work hard to appear "normal". I have to make a deliberate effort to make a note of their name, and if their preferred topic of conversation isn't something I'm particularly interested in, I have to work hard to keep a conversation going. In fact it can very quickly become mentally exhausting, so much so that I actively avoid situations where I'm likely to have to talk to a stranger for an extended period of time. some people find this strange as they think I'm an outgoing and gregarious personality. I am. But only when I am in a group of people I already know well enough to be able to relax in their company.
skilly1 said:
Sat in the pub the other day and was introduced to some new people, one of which I was sat next to.
After 45mins I knew his life story, because I had asked him questions and shown interest (well for a while).
At no time did he ask me anything about my life or job and when I left all he knew about me was my name.
Makes me mad, I think because he would have gone away thinking what a great night, I chatted away and that bloke who loved my stories etc. Where I am feeling frustrated I wasted my energy on someone who could not care less about anyone else.
Is it just me that feels like this !
There are times when I am fully aware I am being that guy who isn't asking questions back etc. After 45mins I knew his life story, because I had asked him questions and shown interest (well for a while).
At no time did he ask me anything about my life or job and when I left all he knew about me was my name.
Makes me mad, I think because he would have gone away thinking what a great night, I chatted away and that bloke who loved my stories etc. Where I am feeling frustrated I wasted my energy on someone who could not care less about anyone else.
Is it just me that feels like this !
I know it's probably rude of me, and I am aware I'm doing it, but just sometimes I just don't care or can't be bothered to engage in proper conversation with people I'll maybe never see again.
Maybe it's because my job often involves hosting clients at lunch etc and so you always have to be very much 'on' and engaging the whole table in conversation and keeping it flowing, so I can't really be arsed to replicate this in a non-work setting.
But as I say, I know it's rude of me and I should try harder.
LunarOne said:
A surprising number of people are somewhere on the autistic spectrum (myself included) and find it really hard to ask questions, especially of a personal nature. Some of us actually forget that other people have their own narratives, and we treat the whole world as if they were "non-playing characters" as I think gamers call them. As in they forget that other people have lives of their own and are not there just to make sandwiches or pay us a wage. Talking about a subject you know well (yourself) is a very easy way to fill time and means you don't have to come up with small talk, which is another area of difficulty for those of us on the spectrum. To compound matters, some of us like to talk without realising that we're boring other people, but I think that's because we forget that they're actually people with their own interests.
My point is that the person you were sitting next to may not be knowingly selfish or uninterested. They just don't relate to the world or the people who inhabit it the same way you do. While I'm definitely on the high functioning end of the spectrum, I really do have to work hard to appear "normal". I have to make a deliberate effort to make a note of their name, and if their preferred topic of conversation isn't something I'm particularly interested in, I have to work hard to keep a conversation going. In fact it can very quickly become mentally exhausting, so much so that I actively avoid situations where I'm likely to have to talk to a stranger for an extended period of time. some people find this strange as they think I'm an outgoing and gregarious personality. I am. But only when I am in a group of people I already know well enough to be able to relax in their company.
Tiis was interesting to read, I often forget that there are people that tick the same as me, I'm often accused of being outgoing and chatty, but that's not whats happening inside. Plus I rarely find anyone remotely as interesting as me My point is that the person you were sitting next to may not be knowingly selfish or uninterested. They just don't relate to the world or the people who inhabit it the same way you do. While I'm definitely on the high functioning end of the spectrum, I really do have to work hard to appear "normal". I have to make a deliberate effort to make a note of their name, and if their preferred topic of conversation isn't something I'm particularly interested in, I have to work hard to keep a conversation going. In fact it can very quickly become mentally exhausting, so much so that I actively avoid situations where I'm likely to have to talk to a stranger for an extended period of time. some people find this strange as they think I'm an outgoing and gregarious personality. I am. But only when I am in a group of people I already know well enough to be able to relax in their company.
Golfgtimk28v said:
That's what I thought. I wonder if what watch you wear, salary and car you drive came up? Other bloke probably wanted out of there.
Not quite! He was an interesting bloke, came from TV producer background in Israel and went on to become a independent mortgage broker in the UK. He did not lack confidence and I think he was just used to speaking rather than listening.When I'm introduced to someone, an easy talking point is asking about what they do. Normally the conversation will then take a natural turn off that topic and you both have a discussion about something.
Maybe I need to have a new direction for chatty questions when meeting someone new, away from business talk !
yesterjay said:
Am I alone in not giving a s
t about your life story, job, situation.
I live much more in the moment. If meeting someone new I look to form new memories around our shared experience, location, actions. Getting someone's life resume holds no interest for me and people asking these sort of bland questions are an instant turn off.
Of course, I concede this is common etiquette, and average introductory conversation. But I would rather jump straight to current events.
I'm sure I would infuriate the OP.
ETA. It's why I hate these sort of situations, and much prefer an activity of some sort to be involved. To provide conversation stimulus.
I tend to take a can of squirty cream and/or temporary tattoos as icebreakers to my social gatherings.t about your life story, job, situation.I live much more in the moment. If meeting someone new I look to form new memories around our shared experience, location, actions. Getting someone's life resume holds no interest for me and people asking these sort of bland questions are an instant turn off.
Of course, I concede this is common etiquette, and average introductory conversation. But I would rather jump straight to current events.
I'm sure I would infuriate the OP.
ETA. It's why I hate these sort of situations, and much prefer an activity of some sort to be involved. To provide conversation stimulus.
I do find that people who talk a lot are not interested in listening or
asking questions because that means they are not talking.
I don't mind, I'm technically in a conversation, but not actually contributing anything.
I'm a good listener, I'm led to understand a receptive and compassionate ear is
one way of getting into the pants of women with low self esteem.
Pffft, No luck so far.
asking questions because that means they are not talking.
I don't mind, I'm technically in a conversation, but not actually contributing anything.
I'm a good listener, I'm led to understand a receptive and compassionate ear is
one way of getting into the pants of women with low self esteem.
Pffft, No luck so far.
yesterjay said:
Am I alone in not giving a st about your life story, job, situation.
I live much more in the moment. If meeting someone new I look to form new memories around our shared experience, location, actions. Getting someone's life resume holds no interest for me and people asking these sort of bland questions are an instant turn off.
Of course, I concede this is common etiquette, and average introductory conversation. But I would rather jump straight to current events.
I'm sure I would infuriate the OP.
ETA. It's why I hate these sort of situations, and much prefer an activity of some sort to be involved. To provide conversation stimulus.
t about your life story, job, situation.I live much more in the moment. If meeting someone new I look to form new memories around our shared experience, location, actions. Getting someone's life resume holds no interest for me and people asking these sort of bland questions are an instant turn off.
Of course, I concede this is common etiquette, and average introductory conversation. But I would rather jump straight to current events.
I'm sure I would infuriate the OP.
ETA. It's why I hate these sort of situations, and much prefer an activity of some sort to be involved. To provide conversation stimulus.
hook ups only
I was in the pub the other day with some friends and a couple of others I’d not met before. Ended up next to some bloke who just fired question after question at me about my life. What I did, where I’m from, life story stuff. I was only out for a quiet few and wasn’t up for the Spanish Inquisition from a random. It was absolutely exhausting, but I didn’t want to be rude to him, so just chose to answer his questions, but not bother to ask anything about him as my way to politely “not engage”. Besides, not only did I not give a st, he didn’t drop anything interesting into the conversation about himself, so I knew if I expressed any interest, he’d bang on for another 45mins about his boring life on top of the time I’d already given him.
Nice enough bloke, an all, but he was hard work when all you wanted was a few drinks and light convo with your mates.
t, he didn’t drop anything interesting into the conversation about himself, so I knew if I expressed any interest, he’d bang on for another 45mins about his boring life on top of the time I’d already given him.Nice enough bloke, an all, but he was hard work when all you wanted was a few drinks and light convo with your mates.
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