Stroppy 7 year old. Advice please

[Wildcat45]

I’m asking for guidance from parents. I am not one, but I have a niece (wife’s sisters kid) who has become a rude, nasty horror.

We’ve always had a good relationship with the little girl. Being her only aunt and uncle, from the toddler years onwards, we’ve taken her all over doing fun stuff. Off-roading in Land Rovers, hours on the beach, trips onboard ships, days and days playing with our dogs, building dens in the woods next to the house, midnight feasts, picnics, trips to cool places etc. I even got her on telly in lockdown when a colleague needed a cute kid to interview about home schooling.

Lately, since the summer, she’s been getting steadily more stroppy. We took her to a Christmas show the other day. It was at my wife’s school - a secondary school.. They have two a year, and at the last one in the summer, she actually got involved back stage helping the “big kids” and my wife’s colleagues. So much so, that some of my wife’s students asked her to bring the little girl back for the Christmas show.

This time however, she was loud, badly behaved and frankly awful to me in particular.

I’ve tried asking her what the problem is, but she won’t engage. We’ve both explained to her that she comes to stay with us because we want her there but that we don’t have to have her, so maybe she needs to decide it’s time to stop being nasty.

Not being a parent and being 52 with loving but no-nonsense parents, I’m minded to give her a bking (appropriately phrased for a 7 year old) and tell her to shape up or forget about spending time with us.

We’ve mentioned it to her mum who has had words with her with little impact.

I’m not sure if it’s a phase. Her dislike, especially towards me is something I recognise. I had an uncle and aunt I didn’t like much, but even at her age I knew to be polite at the very least.

(I may have been a bit of a tt towards them when I hit my stroppy teens, but I soon grew out of it to discover my uncle was actually a sound bloke, just an ex-Sergeant Major with Sergeant Major style interpersonal skills.)

Her and her mum are due over on Boxing Day. For the first time ever, I would really rather they stayed home and I feel pretty st writing that.

[anonymous-user]

There will be a reason, probably a school friend relationship that has changed, don’t be too hard on her. Shouting and ultimatums won’t work, just give her some space. Kids are changing. What we did as 7 year olds isn’t the same as today, also don’t under estimate what they see, hear and the impact of the last few years. I’ve seen the events of the last few years impact kids in different ways and at different times, for some it was Immediately during or soon after covid, for others it’s just manifesting.

[Mabbs9]

Normal to have a patch like this. Some studies suggest there's a very mild equivalent of adolescence that's linked to their development. A bking will not help. Just life. Sorry I've not time to find a link. Good luck and merry Christmas

I have a couple of kids by the way

[NDA]

Probably a phase - kids go through loving and hating things quite regularly and not able at that age to process what impact it has.

I have found completely ignoring rude children to be moderately effective. Reacting to them (giving them a telling off for example) is what they want.

[K87]

I went through this as a parent and it didn't end well at all.

Your experience and situation may be different but I think I was seen as an intruder, someone who had the potential to reduce the amount of love and attention that she received, she then moaned and complained to school friends and family members. It didn't help that I felt little in the way of love towards this annoying thing around which my life was supposed to revolve and how I was supposed to live my own life.

If I was to relive those years I would create a distance so that she did the work to come into my life and not consider what she wanted to do, she would fit in with me, not vice versa.

Edited by K87 on Monday 26th December 13:14

[Sterillium]

All behavior is communication.

If it's possible to decipher what it is that she is (consciously or subconsciously) trying to communicate, it may be possible to then meet that need or understand it at least.

[Wildcat45]

Thanks.

I can relate to the ignoring thing. I had another uncle who was a moody sod. Despite that he was my favourite uncle who sparked my passion for cars. He’d ignore everyone and retreat to his shed and garage. I used to hate it when he ignored me.

[Alorotom]

My daughter went through this last year (now 8)

It was a perfect storm between awful kids at school and emulating them combined with wider usage of YouTube and playing Roblox

I readdressed the limitations on YouTube and Roblox and had a frank conversation about the kids at school and the unacceptability of behaviour combined with the removal of her iPad for a protracted period of time and the real threat of stopping her going to brownies (which she loves) corrected this.

I think realistically it’s most likely kids at school and media consumption driving it.

[Ussrcossack]

Alorotom said:

My daughter went through this last year (now 8)

It was a perfect storm between awful kids at school and emulating them combined with wider usage of YouTube and playing Roblox

I readdressed the limitations on YouTube and Roblox and had a frank conversation about the kids at school and the unacceptability of behaviour combined with the removal of her iPad for a protracted period of time and the real threat of stopping her going to brownies (which she loves) corrected this.

I think realistically it’s most likely kids at school and media consumption driving it.

This
Plus you don't know is she is been bullied at school, hope not

[Pitre]

You do need to set limits of acceptability that she understands though. Consistently supported by her mum (this might be the difficult bit). Tough job though...

Edited by Pitre on Monday 26th December 12:42

[Wildcat45]

Sterillium said:

All behavior is communication.

If it's possible to decipher what it is that she is (consciously or subconsciously) trying to communicate, it may be possible to then meet that need or understand it at least.

Yes I have considered this.

What I am about to say is going to make me come across as really horrible, but I’ll share it anyway. I’d never communicate this to her obviously.

So here goes…

I think she may be comparing me to her Dad. He’s got problems. A grossly overweight semi-employed guy who spends his life either in bed or gaming. (How and why her mum got with him is one of life’s mysteries,) He really does nothing with her except occasionally taking her to their nearby town where he buys vintage comics. I’m pretty sure the guy has depression.

I’ve taken her out splashing through mud and puddles in a new Defender, climbing over fire engines (She was obsessed with fire engines at one point so I gave the local fire station a call and they were delighted to have her visit. She’s been to farms to meet horses, bird watching, soft play places. I’ve taught her to ride a bike.

A lot of this has been done with my wife. She too has done lots with her on a one to one basis.

All “Dad “ stuff which her Dad doesn’t do.

Maybe it’s a kind of resentment?

[vindaloo79]

I find it hard to believe that the fact kids can grow an inch or two in matter of a couple of months could happen without some spectacular spikes in hormones, I haven’t gotten round to looking it up though.

Our young childrens behaviour varies massively from week to week. At the moment our four year old promises to “never do anything you say ever again” and “is not my best friend” on a semi regular basis, but in between he is an angel. I just hope he relents on the “you’re not coming to my next three birthday parties” threat issued for sending him to bed the other night.

[NDA]

Wildcat45 said:

Maybe it’s a kind of resentment?

Frustration that you're not her dad probably!

I think withdrawing attention so that she learns to moderate her behaviour will work - but you need to stick with it.

[Timothy Bucktu]

Wildcat45 said:

Thanks.

I can relate to the ignoring thing. I had another uncle who was a moody sod. Despite that he was my favourite uncle who sparked my passion for cars. He’d ignore everyone and retreat to his shed and garage. I used to hate it when he ignored me.

You had to win his affection, rather than him winning yours. That's probably why you liked and I guess respected him.
OP...take note.

[Wildcat45]

Timothy Bucktu said:

Wildcat45 said:

Thanks.

I can relate to the ignoring thing. I had another uncle who was a moody sod. Despite that he was my favourite uncle who sparked my passion for cars. He’d ignore everyone and retreat to his shed and garage. I used to hate it when he ignored me.

You had to win his affection, rather than him winning yours. That's probably why you liked and I guess respected him.
OP...take note.

Good point.

[ClaphamGT3]

Be loving, be kind, be there for her, re-inforce boundaries clearly, calmly and lovingly, don't resort to threats, don't make your love conditional, remember that all children have their phases and their moments and that you're the adults.

[six wheels]

There’s some great advice above.

I’d add (without casting aspersions against the OP air another other commenters):
- for the child: bad attention, e.g. be shouted at, is better than no attention.
- for the adult: you get what you give attention to. Ignoring unwanted behaviour and rewarding good behaviour is very powerful.

Good luck.

[Ziplobb]

ClaphamGT3 said:

Be loving, be kind, be there for her, re-inforce boundaries clearly, calmly and lovingly, don't resort to threats, don't make your love conditional, remember that all children have their phases and their moments and that you're the adults.

This BUT
also
diet ? exercise ? boredom ? these are all causes of bad behaviour.

[Another project]

We've been dealing with this sort of thing with our youngest (9), she's always been a good kid, loving, respectful and helpful, but over the last few months she has outbursts where she becomes an ahole and won't listen to anything anyone tries to tell her. My gut feeling is girls in her class are picking on her as she's a bit chunky

[Petrus1983]

Just a phase. Be absolutely as nice as you can be, don’t raise too much attention if she misbehaves, assume )and you don’t) know what’s going on with 99% of her life both physically and emotionally. Have a large glass of wine when they leave.