Problems with Ex Wife and access to child
Discussion
I am not sure posting here is the right thing, but I could do with getting this down in writing before I take any further action. Maybe some others on here have been in a similar situation and can offer some advice.
My ex-wife and I split up in 2015, at the time our only child (son) was just 2 years old. To cut a long story short, there were times during the early stages of the separation that it looked like my access to my son was going to have to be decided by a court. However, in the end, we came to an agreement before it got that far and we have stuck to that agreement ever since.
Fast forward to now, we both have long term partners and have both had an additional child with those partners. Things have moved on, or so you would think.
We were planning this year's family holiday, just a week somewhere in the UK, my eldest son was aware of this, he has come on holiday with us for the last few years and while my ex wife didn't like it, she did agree to it, in the end. This time when I asked for her permission to take him away for a week in the school summer holidays, not only did she say no, but she told my son straight away that he wasn't going. She then informed me how upset he was and that it was all my fault for getting his hopes up. She says she won't let him go because he won't get looked after properly. From my side this is utter nonsense, but is something I am unfortunately used to. She constantly tells me how bad a Dad I am and has done for years. It sometimes gets to the point where I believe it myself, and it takes others to remind me that I am far from it.
I could have asked permission regarding this holiday before speaking to my son about it and in hindsight, that might have been the best course of action here. Because it has been ok for the last few years I wrongly assumed that it would be ok this time.
During the message exchange she said some pretty nasty things, again, this is totally normal, lots of swearing and threats. I do none of this and try to remain calm. One of the messages implies she is going to sit down with my son and discuss whether he ever wants to see me again. This is extreme, but the type of threat I have had to deal with several times since we split up.
Legally, I am pretty sure there is nothing I can do about the holiday thing, but I do wonder whether it would be better to go through the family courts to get my access officially documented. Maybe that would stop these kind of threats, which seriously affect my mental state. I couldn't sleep at all last night with the thought of my son upset and the thought of a family holiday without him.
I don't really know what to do, if anything.
I realise there is a lot of information missing from this post, but to put the last 7 years down in writing would take a book. If anyone would like specific details to help give advice, please ask away.
My ex-wife and I split up in 2015, at the time our only child (son) was just 2 years old. To cut a long story short, there were times during the early stages of the separation that it looked like my access to my son was going to have to be decided by a court. However, in the end, we came to an agreement before it got that far and we have stuck to that agreement ever since.
Fast forward to now, we both have long term partners and have both had an additional child with those partners. Things have moved on, or so you would think.
We were planning this year's family holiday, just a week somewhere in the UK, my eldest son was aware of this, he has come on holiday with us for the last few years and while my ex wife didn't like it, she did agree to it, in the end. This time when I asked for her permission to take him away for a week in the school summer holidays, not only did she say no, but she told my son straight away that he wasn't going. She then informed me how upset he was and that it was all my fault for getting his hopes up. She says she won't let him go because he won't get looked after properly. From my side this is utter nonsense, but is something I am unfortunately used to. She constantly tells me how bad a Dad I am and has done for years. It sometimes gets to the point where I believe it myself, and it takes others to remind me that I am far from it.
I could have asked permission regarding this holiday before speaking to my son about it and in hindsight, that might have been the best course of action here. Because it has been ok for the last few years I wrongly assumed that it would be ok this time.
During the message exchange she said some pretty nasty things, again, this is totally normal, lots of swearing and threats. I do none of this and try to remain calm. One of the messages implies she is going to sit down with my son and discuss whether he ever wants to see me again. This is extreme, but the type of threat I have had to deal with several times since we split up.
Legally, I am pretty sure there is nothing I can do about the holiday thing, but I do wonder whether it would be better to go through the family courts to get my access officially documented. Maybe that would stop these kind of threats, which seriously affect my mental state. I couldn't sleep at all last night with the thought of my son upset and the thought of a family holiday without him.
I don't really know what to do, if anything.
I realise there is a lot of information missing from this post, but to put the last 7 years down in writing would take a book. If anyone would like specific details to help give advice, please ask away.
Can't offer any advice I'm afriad but surely the best thing she should have done was to ask your boy first? If he wasn't being taken care of, he would say no. TBH if my ex was poisoning our theortical kids mind, I'd be inclined to go to court and have a ruling done. At least your child would have some understanding you want him to go. Besides, if you were really that bad, you wouldn't want to take your kid with you!
Reads to me like she is p*ssed that you have found yourself a new partner and are happy and she is trying to keep your son out of your influence as she probably knows your son is now of the age that he can see its probably a better life with you than her!
I think I would do 2 things. 1 keep all messages etc. 2 speak to a solicitor, even for an hour and a few quid its probably good to get some proper advice. Dont tell her you are doing this as it would no doubt make it worse.
I think I would do 2 things. 1 keep all messages etc. 2 speak to a solicitor, even for an hour and a few quid its probably good to get some proper advice. Dont tell her you are doing this as it would no doubt make it worse.
I've seen similar things before unfortunately. My take is she wants you out of her life as she has a new life, new guy, child etc so she cannot have the perfect life while you are still rightly involved with your child.
You don't say how old your son is now, but based upon what I have seen previously and the allegations were probably worse (although you don't go into any detail), many years ago now a friend ended up going down the legal route, very expensive and quite an intimidating process, interviews, statements, court hearings and unfortunately for my friend the court determined his ex was a total psycho and full of lies, but for the sake of their child (4 years old at the time) it was best he didn't see him again... end of.
That was 30+ years ago and he has no idea how his son's life has gone so far, where he lives, is he married, kids etc etc.
You don't say how old your son is now, but based upon what I have seen previously and the allegations were probably worse (although you don't go into any detail), many years ago now a friend ended up going down the legal route, very expensive and quite an intimidating process, interviews, statements, court hearings and unfortunately for my friend the court determined his ex was a total psycho and full of lies, but for the sake of their child (4 years old at the time) it was best he didn't see him again... end of.
That was 30+ years ago and he has no idea how his son's life has gone so far, where he lives, is he married, kids etc etc.
narcissistic ex, gas lighting.
You have my sympathies, I know the struggle all too well.
She's punishing you because you didn't ask her first. It's a loss of face to her that you haven't deemed her in charge by asking her. Given that you have 7 years experience of dealing with her unfortunately you already know the answer of how to deal with this.
Swallow your pride, be the stable one for your son (no drama etc) feed her ego by apologising and see if you can salvage the holiday.
You have my sympathies, I know the struggle all too well.
She's punishing you because you didn't ask her first. It's a loss of face to her that you haven't deemed her in charge by asking her. Given that you have 7 years experience of dealing with her unfortunately you already know the answer of how to deal with this.
Swallow your pride, be the stable one for your son (no drama etc) feed her ego by apologising and see if you can salvage the holiday.
The first step is mediation.
https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/...
You must prove that you have attended mediation before any court order.
This I think would be very helpful to do for you, even if you do not decide to proceed to court, as it may allow you reach an agreement, people are often better behaved if there is an independent third party present who is recording everything, and it does not escalate things in the way that court action does.
It is also extremely useful evidence for a court order if you reach an agreement and then one side breaches it, or if one side refuses mediation. You can also get mediation agreements to be legally binding by using a consent order.
Once you proceed to court action there are two types of order you will wish to obtain :
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/governmen...
Child arrangements order
A child arrangements order decides the arrangements for whom a child
is to live with, spend time with or otherwise have contact with and
where a child is to live, spend time or otherwise have contact with any
person.
For example,
if your child lives with your ex-partner and you want to see
your child at weekends, or you cannot agree which parent the child is to
live with, you might want to apply for a child arrangements order.
Specific issue
order - for the Holiday.
These orders give instructions about a specific issue that has arisen
about an action normally done by a parent.
For example,
if you and your ex-partner cannot agree which school to
send your child to.
I would advise finding a local family law practice and making inquires. Most offer initial free advice, and this would be very useful to have before the mediation meeting.
https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/...
You must prove that you have attended mediation before any court order.
This I think would be very helpful to do for you, even if you do not decide to proceed to court, as it may allow you reach an agreement, people are often better behaved if there is an independent third party present who is recording everything, and it does not escalate things in the way that court action does.
It is also extremely useful evidence for a court order if you reach an agreement and then one side breaches it, or if one side refuses mediation. You can also get mediation agreements to be legally binding by using a consent order.
Once you proceed to court action there are two types of order you will wish to obtain :
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/governmen...
Child arrangements order
A child arrangements order decides the arrangements for whom a child
is to live with, spend time with or otherwise have contact with and
where a child is to live, spend time or otherwise have contact with any
person.
For example,
if your child lives with your ex-partner and you want to see
your child at weekends, or you cannot agree which parent the child is to
live with, you might want to apply for a child arrangements order.
Specific issue
order - for the Holiday.
These orders give instructions about a specific issue that has arisen
about an action normally done by a parent.
For example,
if you and your ex-partner cannot agree which school to
send your child to.
I would advise finding a local family law practice and making inquires. Most offer initial free advice, and this would be very useful to have before the mediation meeting.
pocketspring said:
Can't offer any advice I'm afriad but surely the best thing she should have done was to ask your boy first? If he wasn't being taken care of, he would say no. TBH if my ex was poisoning our theortical kids mind, I'd be inclined to go to court and have a ruling done. At least your child would have some understanding you want him to go. Besides, if you were really that bad, you wouldn't want to take your kid with you!
The thing is, he wants to come and she knows it. hurstg01 said:
as easy it is tp type rather than do, i'd opt for the easier life and reschedule the holiday you've booked, take the hit and keep it civil for your son
I hadn't even booked the holiday, I asked for her permission before I went ahead and booked. Now this has happened I have lost all appetite to go on holiday. Not sure what I am going to do. gotoPzero said:
Reads to me like she is p*ssed that you have found yourself a new partner and are happy and she is trying to keep your son out of your influence as she probably knows your son is now of the age that he can see its probably a better life with you than her!
I think I would do 2 things. 1 keep all messages etc. 2 speak to a solicitor, even for an hour and a few quid its probably good to get some proper advice. Dont tell her you are doing this as it would no doubt make it worse.
She has a new partner as well so she shouldn't be annoyed, but the fact is it feels like she hates me and always will. She likes me to suffer. I think I would do 2 things. 1 keep all messages etc. 2 speak to a solicitor, even for an hour and a few quid its probably good to get some proper advice. Dont tell her you are doing this as it would no doubt make it worse.
I will speak to a solicitor I think, even if they say there is not much I can do.
Freakuk said:
I've seen similar things before unfortunately. My take is she wants you out of her life as she has a new life, new guy, child etc so she cannot have the perfect life while you are still rightly involved with your child.
You don't say how old your son is now, but based upon what I have seen previously and the allegations were probably worse (although you don't go into any detail), many years ago now a friend ended up going down the legal route, very expensive and quite an intimidating process, interviews, statements, court hearings and unfortunately for my friend the court determined his ex was a total psycho and full of lies, but for the sake of their child (4 years old at the time) it was best he didn't see him again... end of.
That was 30+ years ago and he has no idea how his son's life has gone so far, where he lives, is he married, kids etc etc.
He is 10, and the scenario you describe is what scares me the most about rocking the boat. You don't say how old your son is now, but based upon what I have seen previously and the allegations were probably worse (although you don't go into any detail), many years ago now a friend ended up going down the legal route, very expensive and quite an intimidating process, interviews, statements, court hearings and unfortunately for my friend the court determined his ex was a total psycho and full of lies, but for the sake of their child (4 years old at the time) it was best he didn't see him again... end of.
That was 30+ years ago and he has no idea how his son's life has gone so far, where he lives, is he married, kids etc etc.
duffy78 said:
narcissistic ex, gas lighting.
You have my sympathies, I know the struggle all too well.
She's punishing you because you didn't ask her first. It's a loss of face to her that you haven't deemed her in charge by asking her. Given that you have 7 years experience of dealing with her unfortunately you already know the answer of how to deal with this.
Swallow your pride, be the stable one for your son (no drama etc) feed her ego by apologising and see if you can salvage the holiday.
Thank you for the message, even if the situation is horrible it can help knowing others can relate. I did try the apologise route and it doesn't seem to get me anywhere. You have my sympathies, I know the struggle all too well.
She's punishing you because you didn't ask her first. It's a loss of face to her that you haven't deemed her in charge by asking her. Given that you have 7 years experience of dealing with her unfortunately you already know the answer of how to deal with this.
Swallow your pride, be the stable one for your son (no drama etc) feed her ego by apologising and see if you can salvage the holiday.
te constantly.mnaylor said:
hurstg01 said:
as easy it is tp type rather than do, i'd opt for the easier life and reschedule the holiday you've booked, take the hit and keep it civil for your son
I hadn't even booked the holiday, I asked for her permission before I went ahead and booked. Now this has happened I have lost all appetite to go on holiday. Not sure what I am going to do. Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff