“Straightforward” Set of Rules for 13 Year Old Boy?
Discussion
We need more clarity at home!
Our son is 13 next week. Lovely toddler, fine at middle school (example: when he left I was sought out and thanked by the mother of a really petite younger girl with mobility problems, to pass on her thanks for my son “keeping her safe” at school for the previous two years).
He got into grammar school, is good at basketball (not made it into the Under 14 team yet, but hopeful), is bilingual, very athletic, started surfing last year, etc. He now has a girlfriend, which I don’t think he’s ready for, but they travel on the same bus, so short of locking him in the cellar . . .
Home is now a nightmare. I’m (possibly) too lenient and let stuff go, whereas it sometimes feels as if my wife is following him around the house picking fights.
Big problem to me is that there aren’t rules we all understand. Even I don’t know when my wife is telling him he IS doing something / is NOT, and when she is persuading (same applies to me!). So that spirals into frequent confrontation.
Tensions around phone and electronic device use at home, effort put into homework, being at the beck and call of his girlfriend, rudeness, going with friends to parts of town I have told him to avoid (actually, that’s not within the home, so outside this specific problem).
Lack of clarity is a source of conflict.
So . . . where do we start with rules?
Our son is 13 next week. Lovely toddler, fine at middle school (example: when he left I was sought out and thanked by the mother of a really petite younger girl with mobility problems, to pass on her thanks for my son “keeping her safe” at school for the previous two years).
He got into grammar school, is good at basketball (not made it into the Under 14 team yet, but hopeful), is bilingual, very athletic, started surfing last year, etc. He now has a girlfriend, which I don’t think he’s ready for, but they travel on the same bus, so short of locking him in the cellar . . .
Home is now a nightmare. I’m (possibly) too lenient and let stuff go, whereas it sometimes feels as if my wife is following him around the house picking fights.
Big problem to me is that there aren’t rules we all understand. Even I don’t know when my wife is telling him he IS doing something / is NOT, and when she is persuading (same applies to me!). So that spirals into frequent confrontation.
Tensions around phone and electronic device use at home, effort put into homework, being at the beck and call of his girlfriend, rudeness, going with friends to parts of town I have told him to avoid (actually, that’s not within the home, so outside this specific problem).
Lack of clarity is a source of conflict.
So . . . where do we start with rules?
ukbabz said:
If you don't understand the rules either then i reckon you should have a chat with your wife and get on the same page and then explain them to your boy
this - or go to some family counselling to help you all communicate better.or chores - lots of chores. When I was 14 I had so much to get done I was too tired to argue.
ukbabz said:
If you don't understand the rules either then i reckon you should have a chat with your wife and get on the same page and then explain them to your boy
Quite! But it goes back one stage before that . . . I don’t think my wife can formulate them, except in very general terms. So, I think the best step is for me to table a proposal . .I’ve booked a few weekends away with the boy, mainly surfing, as they seem to go so well. First one is end of April though, and we have to make it that far!
I’m very easy going, and need to exist in a “bubble of harmony”. My wife worries about the future and seems to need to exist in a “sphere of hard work and doing things right”. These two worlds seemed to have happily coexisted for 22 years, but are currently under strain.
Octoposse said:
Quite! But it goes back one stage before that . . . I don’t think my wife can formulate them, except in very general terms. So, I think the best step is for me to table a proposal . .
I’ve booked a few weekends away with the boy, mainly surfing, as they seem to go so well. First one is end of April though, and we have to make it that far!
I’m very easy going, and need to exist in a “bubble of harmony”. My wife worries about the future and seems to need to exist in a “sphere of hard work and doing things right”. These two worlds seemed to have happily coexisted for 22 years, but are currently under strain.
I'd broach it with her first that she needs to formulate rules before trying to enforce them on your son. If she can't put them into words then she's just setting up fights by being illogical. She sounds quite similar to my wife on the way they both view things, and I know it's not easy.I’ve booked a few weekends away with the boy, mainly surfing, as they seem to go so well. First one is end of April though, and we have to make it that far!
I’m very easy going, and need to exist in a “bubble of harmony”. My wife worries about the future and seems to need to exist in a “sphere of hard work and doing things right”. These two worlds seemed to have happily coexisted for 22 years, but are currently under strain.
Just bear in mind, he's almost 13, the hormones will be raging, the human brain is changing a lot and he'll be struggling too.
Don't get so caught up in rules that you think he's breaking them to spite you, some he will, some he won't understand, some he'll agree with.
He'll need structure and consistency. Don't make hundreds of rules to tie him down, it'll end in failure, and don't try and stop his relationship,. Kids grow up quicker these days. Just make sure he knows the rules around girls and the real consequences of doing it wrong (the legal and parental consequences, not that you'll tell him off)
Don't get so caught up in rules that you think he's breaking them to spite you, some he will, some he won't understand, some he'll agree with.
He'll need structure and consistency. Don't make hundreds of rules to tie him down, it'll end in failure, and don't try and stop his relationship,. Kids grow up quicker these days. Just make sure he knows the rules around girls and the real consequences of doing it wrong (the legal and parental consequences, not that you'll tell him off)
Maybe instead of hard and fast rules - the more you set down, the more likely they are to rebel against them - how about suggestions, and the reasoning behind them? If they don't see the point, they're not going to follow them. F'rinstance, why not say you'd prefer it if he gave himself one night a week where he stayed in to make sure his homework was done because before you know it it'll be GCSEs before too longand then it'll be a struggle if you're behind, and besides, it still gives you plenty of time to boff the GF down the park when you think no-one's looking. Or I'd rather you didn't go to that area because I'm worried about your safety as it's full of scrotes etc. Don't treat him like a prisoner, he'll only act like one.
You seem to be putting the blame on your wife more than yourself.
Father's very often want the easy life and be a mate to everyone especially their son rather than an authority figure.
If you can't agree between the 2 of you then your son will take advantage.
He'll play you against each other so you forget about his issues.
You and your wife firstly need to agree on a set of rules and boundaries.
You can then have a sit down with your son to explain what you want.
Be prepared to compromise on stuff but make sure there are certain rules that MUST NOT be broken.
Don't over complicate things, don't lose your rag and don't have a huge list.
Explain the consequences and also as above give him chores so he earns his pocket money.
It has to be a 2 way thing.
Some examples.
Find my phone activated so you know where he is (so you can see if he goes into the dodgy area of town)
Homework complete before he does any non school stuff
No electronic devices after a certain time in the evening (compromise on time)
Chores done by a certain time/date (compromise on time/date)
Agree how often he can see his girlfriend outside of school (compromise on this possibly)
Be prepared to piss him off at the beginning.
We've had to take phone/Xbox etc off my son in the past (he's now 16)
Good luck
Father's very often want the easy life and be a mate to everyone especially their son rather than an authority figure.
If you can't agree between the 2 of you then your son will take advantage.
He'll play you against each other so you forget about his issues.
You and your wife firstly need to agree on a set of rules and boundaries.
You can then have a sit down with your son to explain what you want.
Be prepared to compromise on stuff but make sure there are certain rules that MUST NOT be broken.
Don't over complicate things, don't lose your rag and don't have a huge list.
Explain the consequences and also as above give him chores so he earns his pocket money.
It has to be a 2 way thing.
Some examples.
Find my phone activated so you know where he is (so you can see if he goes into the dodgy area of town)
Homework complete before he does any non school stuff
No electronic devices after a certain time in the evening (compromise on time)
Chores done by a certain time/date (compromise on time/date)
Agree how often he can see his girlfriend outside of school (compromise on this possibly)
Be prepared to piss him off at the beginning.
We've had to take phone/Xbox etc off my son in the past (he's now 16)
Good luck
As mentioned above, you need to have a defined concept of what you want to achieve/what the purpose of a rule is for.
Sounds like your wife is falling into the trap of that being "whatever I feel should be the case at this particular minute" or "having authority recognised for the same of it".
Both of these are problems, and need to be addressed before you can start setting consistent, logical rules for your kid.
First step is likely a ban on any phrasing along the lines of "because I said so", "my house, my rules" and so on. Have a reason you can explain for any rule you want to set.
Sounds like your wife is falling into the trap of that being "whatever I feel should be the case at this particular minute" or "having authority recognised for the same of it".
Both of these are problems, and need to be addressed before you can start setting consistent, logical rules for your kid.
First step is likely a ban on any phrasing along the lines of "because I said so", "my house, my rules" and so on. Have a reason you can explain for any rule you want to set.
[quote=InitialDave]A
Sounds like your wife is falling into the trap of that being "whatever I feel should be the case at this particular minute" or "having authority recognised for the same of it".
Both of these are problems, and need to be addressed before you can start setting consistent, logical rules for your kid.
/quote]
And the OP needs to recognise that he is part of the problem as well.
Seems to be a lot of blame towards the wife, it's a shared responsibility.
Sounds like your wife is falling into the trap of that being "whatever I feel should be the case at this particular minute" or "having authority recognised for the same of it".
Both of these are problems, and need to be addressed before you can start setting consistent, logical rules for your kid.
/quote]
And the OP needs to recognise that he is part of the problem as well.
Seems to be a lot of blame towards the wife, it's a shared responsibility.
Octoposse, the fact that your son is bilingual suggests to me that English may not be your wife's first language. This brings the problem that whereas you and probably your son understand the various nuances of English words and phrases, your my wife might not to the same degree? This may be part of the reason you never know what she actually wants or doesn't want your son to do.
With regards to rules, boundaries or whatever, you first need to get down in writing for your own benefit what your objectives are and justifications & benefits for each. Read through it now imagining yourself in your son's position to see if it is reasonable or not. Finally, when you have it clear in your mind, discuss it with your wife in private to get her 'buy in' and create a set of rules on paper that she signs once her amendments, additions & deletions are included.
To get your wife's buy in, ask her about the structure in her own family's household. Who made the rules, what were they and how were they enforced? If you can somehow a pattern with which she is already familiar, she is more likely to agree to your proposals.
Then the you and your wife need to have a discussion with your son (this will be a 'phones and computers off' discussion) to explain the benefits to all of you and why this all matters. You can mention how everyone has to follow rules, whether by the government, your employer, his school, etc. Your son may have some perfectly valid reasons why not all of what you are proposing is going to work, so you need to both listen to him . Finally when you are all in agreement get this new set of rules in writing and signed by all of you.
You may want to tie this in with putting up some sizeable cash rewards for getting good grades in his GCSEs and how having a stable home and study environment is going to help him achieve these. I found this worked with my own son far better than I or his teachers had expected.
Finally you need to consider how his girlfriend fits in to this. Your son needs to understand that you and your wife feed, house and are responsible for him, so her desires must fit around his own family's. Also be aware that some girls at that age will take any boundaries as a set of goals to encourage him to break each one of them.
With regards to rules, boundaries or whatever, you first need to get down in writing for your own benefit what your objectives are and justifications & benefits for each. Read through it now imagining yourself in your son's position to see if it is reasonable or not. Finally, when you have it clear in your mind, discuss it with your wife in private to get her 'buy in' and create a set of rules on paper that she signs once her amendments, additions & deletions are included.
To get your wife's buy in, ask her about the structure in her own family's household. Who made the rules, what were they and how were they enforced? If you can somehow a pattern with which she is already familiar, she is more likely to agree to your proposals.
Then the you and your wife need to have a discussion with your son (this will be a 'phones and computers off' discussion) to explain the benefits to all of you and why this all matters. You can mention how everyone has to follow rules, whether by the government, your employer, his school, etc. Your son may have some perfectly valid reasons why not all of what you are proposing is going to work, so you need to both listen to him . Finally when you are all in agreement get this new set of rules in writing and signed by all of you.
You may want to tie this in with putting up some sizeable cash rewards for getting good grades in his GCSEs and how having a stable home and study environment is going to help him achieve these. I found this worked with my own son far better than I or his teachers had expected.
Finally you need to consider how his girlfriend fits in to this. Your son needs to understand that you and your wife feed, house and are responsible for him, so her desires must fit around his own family's. Also be aware that some girls at that age will take any boundaries as a set of goals to encourage him to break each one of them.
No idea what will work with your family but what worked (very well) with mine.
- Involve your lad in setting the rules to get his buy in. It actually surprised me what he came up with.
- I had to encourage my wife not to sweat the small stuff. It's his room, if he wants to live in a pigsty it's his issue as long as the shared rooms in the house are kept tidy.
Thankfully it worked and he's not a great 16yr old.
- Involve your lad in setting the rules to get his buy in. It actually surprised me what he came up with.
- I had to encourage my wife not to sweat the small stuff. It's his room, if he wants to live in a pigsty it's his issue as long as the shared rooms in the house are kept tidy.
Thankfully it worked and he's not a great 16yr old.
WestyCarl said:
- I had to encourage my wife not to sweat the small stuff. It's his room, if he wants to live in a pigsty it's his issue as long as the shared rooms in the house are kept tidy.
With stuff like that it's probably worth trying to remember what you were like at that age. I would've rather escaped through a window than tidy my room when I was a kid.If your parents couldn't get you to do something and like it, what's your chances?
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