When is it the right time to walk?
Discussion
This maybe a long one, but bear with me.
The last 4 months haven’t been good in the relationship, some good times but mainly bad times.
Almost 10 years together, house together, no kids not married. Like others she struggled with her mental health during covid, but was also attacked prior to lockdown. She self medicated with alcohol. She ended up on antidepressants, after she admitted she was suicidal. She continued to drink and she went absolutely crazy.
We had an “ok ish” 2022, although she continued to binge going out on her own and not giving a dam about anything or anyone. Police called a couple of times as I was genuinely worried about her, plus she said I was kidnapping her. I locked the doors and windows after she made attempts to jump from a bridge and I carried her home.
Recap to 2023, started amazing then arrested for drunken disorderly. I thought that would be the rocket to shake her and it did for three weeks. Then 9 weeks ago, whilst away with work I check our security cameras at 2am and see police and ambulances on blues at our house. I’m 300 miles away from how and absolutely useless. I speak to her mum, she’s suicidal (not the first time she said this).
Finally, she gets in touch with a therapist via private and we all see a huge spring in her step. No alcohol and doing some good progress.
At this point, I feel completely drained. I had to tell my manager as I felt it was affecting my work. I took time out for my mental health and started with a therapist. I genuinely felt so alone and depressed with the situation.
4 weeks ago, she’s hammered again. Out on her own, gets herself into trouble and ringing me crying. She’s been taken to some house she doesn’t know where she is. I had to call 999 who responded quickly. I had a good chat with the police and said they will keep an eye out for her if she goes out again.
Last weekend, hammered again out on her own. The next day I just didn’t speak to her and done my own thing for the first time instead of waiting around for her to wake up. It felt so liberating. My therapist calls it a fuse has been lit.
Last week I was promoted in work, significant increase in salary. Something I’m so proud of myself for achieving. Thursday, she got hammered again and I thought I don’t think I can do this anyone.
Friday she said ended her therapy sessions after 2 appointments, saying she’s fine now. I didn’t even say anything as I know it’s a load of rubbish. She said she didn’t like her therapist saying, life will throw challenges and using alcohol won’t help.
This weekend has been absolute hell, she’s been moody and angry at life. She’s admitted she wants to be horrible to everyone and doesn’t enjoy life right now. What should have been an amazing weekend, it was my worst weekend in ages. She was on the phone to her mum slagging me off, right next to me.
I know she’s suffering with her mental health, but I’m not her therapist. She blames the world for everything and has admitted she pushes everyone away.
On Friday, I started to look what houses are on the market which genuinely gave me excitement. I’m feeling bad for thinking that life might be better on my own. On the flip side, I’m feel like a waste of space 37 thought I would have my own family by now and having to start again.
The last 4 months haven’t been good in the relationship, some good times but mainly bad times.
Almost 10 years together, house together, no kids not married. Like others she struggled with her mental health during covid, but was also attacked prior to lockdown. She self medicated with alcohol. She ended up on antidepressants, after she admitted she was suicidal. She continued to drink and she went absolutely crazy.
We had an “ok ish” 2022, although she continued to binge going out on her own and not giving a dam about anything or anyone. Police called a couple of times as I was genuinely worried about her, plus she said I was kidnapping her. I locked the doors and windows after she made attempts to jump from a bridge and I carried her home.
Recap to 2023, started amazing then arrested for drunken disorderly. I thought that would be the rocket to shake her and it did for three weeks. Then 9 weeks ago, whilst away with work I check our security cameras at 2am and see police and ambulances on blues at our house. I’m 300 miles away from how and absolutely useless. I speak to her mum, she’s suicidal (not the first time she said this).
Finally, she gets in touch with a therapist via private and we all see a huge spring in her step. No alcohol and doing some good progress.
At this point, I feel completely drained. I had to tell my manager as I felt it was affecting my work. I took time out for my mental health and started with a therapist. I genuinely felt so alone and depressed with the situation.
4 weeks ago, she’s hammered again. Out on her own, gets herself into trouble and ringing me crying. She’s been taken to some house she doesn’t know where she is. I had to call 999 who responded quickly. I had a good chat with the police and said they will keep an eye out for her if she goes out again.
Last weekend, hammered again out on her own. The next day I just didn’t speak to her and done my own thing for the first time instead of waiting around for her to wake up. It felt so liberating. My therapist calls it a fuse has been lit.
Last week I was promoted in work, significant increase in salary. Something I’m so proud of myself for achieving. Thursday, she got hammered again and I thought I don’t think I can do this anyone.
Friday she said ended her therapy sessions after 2 appointments, saying she’s fine now. I didn’t even say anything as I know it’s a load of rubbish. She said she didn’t like her therapist saying, life will throw challenges and using alcohol won’t help.
This weekend has been absolute hell, she’s been moody and angry at life. She’s admitted she wants to be horrible to everyone and doesn’t enjoy life right now. What should have been an amazing weekend, it was my worst weekend in ages. She was on the phone to her mum slagging me off, right next to me.
I know she’s suffering with her mental health, but I’m not her therapist. She blames the world for everything and has admitted she pushes everyone away.
On Friday, I started to look what houses are on the market which genuinely gave me excitement. I’m feeling bad for thinking that life might be better on my own. On the flip side, I’m feel like a waste of space 37 thought I would have my own family by now and having to start again.
Edited by BMRed on Sunday 11th June 20:48
You could also talk to her and tell her she will lose you unless it changes immediately. If she thinks you tolerate it then why change her behaviour will be how she sees it.
If you give her an ultimatum and nothing changes then walk but it’s worth telling her before you do to see if it changes.
You’ll get varying opinions of course but good luck.
If you give her an ultimatum and nothing changes then walk but it’s worth telling her before you do to see if it changes.
You’ll get varying opinions of course but good luck.
BMRed said:
For the first time, all I’m thinking about is selling up and starting fresh. Is it selfish of me to be thinking like this?
In my opinion, no its not wrong in fact I'd say its a perfectly normal thought to have in your head. Only you know what the right thing for you is and I'd suggest right now you focus on yourself, your partner needs proper help and it sounds like shes not getting it... but its not your job to provide that help or fix her. She has to want that help, want to not be the version of herself that she is right now.Time to put yourself first. Even if dont sell and walk out / call time on your relationship, you should be protecting yourself.
Once alcohol takes hold, going back is very difficult, I'm afraid. It wrecks everything. You're lucky that you haven't got kids, so you don't have that worry, but the only reasonable thing you can do right now is self preservation. Otherwise, you'll be dragged down with her. You've tried, and it's not worked. You've tried over, and over, and over again. It hasn't worked, and the chances are lower each time.
Preserve yourself, your own sanity, your own space, your own life, your own future. Also, prepare yourself to hear the worst happening to her. It may not, but there's a significant risk that it will. Whatever happens, alcohol abuse will mean a shorter life for one reason or another even without depression and threats of suicide, usually due an alcohol related disease, or an alcohol related incident or an accident.
Preserve yourself, your own sanity, your own space, your own life, your own future. Also, prepare yourself to hear the worst happening to her. It may not, but there's a significant risk that it will. Whatever happens, alcohol abuse will mean a shorter life for one reason or another even without depression and threats of suicide, usually due an alcohol related disease, or an alcohol related incident or an accident.
37 isn't too old to start again.
I'm 50 and have an 11 and 13 year old.
Go now, within the next five years you could easily have met someone and be well on the way to children, I was in 4 years (and I'm an ugly ginger Hull Monkey)
By my maths, you're about where I was, thinking exactly what you are now.
I'm 50 and have an 11 and 13 year old.
Go now, within the next five years you could easily have met someone and be well on the way to children, I was in 4 years (and I'm an ugly ginger Hull Monkey)
By my maths, you're about where I was, thinking exactly what you are now.
For a relationship to work and be happy in, you need the 4:1 rule where happiness is 4 times the amount of the unhappiness. I know it feels bad to walk away from a relatonship, I did it after four years of being with her, but sometimes needs must and if it isn't working then it just isn't working. No one will think anything bad of you for what you need to do but it's a really horrible feeling being trapped and being dragged down all the time by someone else. I'm great believer in a leopard doesn't chnage its spots. People are creatures of habit and they are what they do and say.
I'm 36 and walked away from a relationship last year which had a very similar story to this one. I wasted a lot of time trying to live another persons life for them and "make sure they're alright" but continually got let down. Nothing ever worked and that's because I couldn't change someone who didn't want to change.
For me the best solution was to leave and I do not regret that decision in the slightest. It wasn't easy, the blowback and gaslighting afterwards was incredible but sitting here a year later it was worth it.
For me the best solution was to leave and I do not regret that decision in the slightest. It wasn't easy, the blowback and gaslighting afterwards was incredible but sitting here a year later it was worth it.
I’m normally quite balanced on these, but I’m in the ‘leave’ camp too
She’ll try and hurt you - she is already. Note, that’s not hurt you accidentally, it’s intentional. You are one of her venting points for internal anger, along with alcohol.
Life is short, too short to live it miserable. You have tried, unquestionably, but look after yourself.
She’ll try and hurt you - she is already. Note, that’s not hurt you accidentally, it’s intentional. You are one of her venting points for internal anger, along with alcohol.
Life is short, too short to live it miserable. You have tried, unquestionably, but look after yourself.
Thanks everyone, really appreciate it.
I do still love her, but don’t love the other side of her that comes out when she drinks.
I’m constantly thinking this time will be different, but I doubt it ever will. We don’t do anything with friends anymore as I’m embarrassed at what she will do when drunk.
I’d love for her to join me for black tie events at work but with free alcohol, it’s a complete no go.
Thankfully, I’m away for two nights a week from next week until mid July. That will be some good breathing and headspace.
I do still love her, but don’t love the other side of her that comes out when she drinks.
I’m constantly thinking this time will be different, but I doubt it ever will. We don’t do anything with friends anymore as I’m embarrassed at what she will do when drunk.
I’d love for her to join me for black tie events at work but with free alcohol, it’s a complete no go.
Thankfully, I’m away for two nights a week from next week until mid July. That will be some good breathing and headspace.
Edited by BMRed on Sunday 11th June 21:22
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