Advice - contacting someone who is bereaved

[PeteinSQ]

My uncle passed away yesterday. Totally unexpected.

Should I be sending my cousins and aunt a message of condolence? What do you write at a time like this?

Many years ago my friend's father died suddenly and I was totally useless and I've felt guilty about it for over 20 years.

[Nurburgsingh]

if they are close enough and you were close then do it in person.

Nothing helps more than a hug at times like these.

[PeteinSQ]

They're in Sussex and I'm in Yorkshire so that's not really an option unfortunately.

[Lotobear]

I would call them, it's can be hard to pick up the phone but I'm sure will be very much appreciated.

[anonymous-user]

As someone who has very recently lost someone close...
Pick up the phone even if you don't know what to say. It will mean a lot.

[J4CKO]

I think people are very reticent with the recently bereaved and dont know what to say and just avoid the issue, so they can end up isolated.

Think of a few things to say, but to be honest once over the initial few words then conversation just tends to happen.

[Muzzer79]

PeteinSQ said:

They're in Sussex and I'm in Yorkshire so that's not really an option unfortunately.

If you were close to your uncle and/or close to his family, call and speak to them. Ask if they need any help, offer to go there.

What to say? Keep it simple - you're very sorry for their loss, point out what you liked about him, share appropriate memories, offer to help them if they need it.

If you weren't particularly close, a simple condolence card is fine.

[normalbloke]

PeteinSQ said:

They're in Sussex and I'm in Yorkshire so that's not really an option unfortunately.

Actually it is. It all depends on how much you’re prepared to put into it.

[ClaphamGT3]

Call them or text/WhatsApp them

Don't say you're sorry, it doesn't help

Do say you are thinking of them

Tell then you loved your uncle and why (but avoid gushiness)

Offer practical help & support (and follow through)

Keep in touch over the next year (a months time when the funerals over, the hand-wringers have all sidled away and reality kicks in is when it will hit them hardest)

As Ronald Reagan once said about comforting the bereaved "Nothing you can say or do will ever really help - but you gotta try"

[redrabbit29]

EVOTECH3BELL said:

As someone who has very recently lost someone close...
Pick up the phone even if you don't know what to say. It will mean a lot.

Just to add to this by saying it's easy to overthink what to say. Such as trying to think of something really profound or meaningful to say. Forget that, most of it is just platitudes.

Be yourself and maybe even just say: "Hi Bob, really not sure what to say but I felt compelled to call given the sad news and just see how you're getting on?" .... or "Not really sure what to say but I was so sad to hear about <PERSON>. Such a loss and I wanted to just check in with you"

It will likely lead into a warm conversation about how great the person was, how sad it is, etc. and I am sure it will mean a lot to the person you're calling

[PeteinSQ]

Thanks everyone. These things are pretty difficult.

[Spare tyre]

Sorry to hear about your news, don’t do what my mum did

“Hi Diane. Sorry to hear about your mum LOL”

My mother thought LOL meant lots of love

[deckster]

Having been on the receiving end of this when my dad passed away earlier this year, I will say that phone calls are lovely but can be difficult, especially when the bereavement is recent and raw. Conversely a well-written, personal note of sympathy that can be read, put aside, and then read again is much easier to digest and also longer lasting. It also, I think, shows more thought and empathy than a phone call.

So definitely make contact, but for preference do it by post with a hand-written, thoughtful, and personal message.

[C n C]

PeteinSQ said:

Thanks everyone. These things are pretty difficult.

It certainly isn't easy, but the hardest part is picking up the phone and dialling the number. Once it rings and they answer, just be yourself and talk to them. Ask how they are, and if there's anything you can do to help (and deliver on it if there is). The rest of the conversation will just come naturally.

The only other bit of advice I can think of is maybe to scribble down a couple of sentences in case you get their voicemail. Maybe that you're calling after hearing that your uncle has passed away, wanted to know if there's anything you can do, and you'll call back later (and do so), but if they don't want to talk right now, that's ok as well and you understand.
Note - the above is just a suggestion - you are the best person to decide what to say.

Having been on the other end of this situation when my brother died coming off his motorbike several years ago, I can still remember, and appreciate the people who had the courage to pick up the phone. Although it was all a massive shock, and a terrible time, people reaching out did make a difference.

Do phone them. Don't put it off and regret it later, and although I don't know you, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Best of luck.



ETA -

deckster said:

Having been on the receiving end of this when my dad passed away earlier this year, I will say that phone calls are lovely but can be difficult, especially when the bereavement is recent and raw. Conversely a well-written, personal note of sympathy that can be read, put aside, and then read again is much easier to digest and also longer lasting. It also, I think, shows more thought and empathy than a phone call.

So definitely make contact, but for preference do it by post with a hand-written, thoughtful, and personal message.

I guess it depends on your relationship with your uncle and his family and how close you were to some extent. Also, everyone is different. You could even do both. Obviously the phone call is more immediate, and a letter would take a day or two to get there.

In my experience, several people sent flowers with a card, and for some reason both my wife and I really hated this (despite knowing the senders were well meaning).

In terms of his family's reaction, and yours, one thing that someone said when my brother died was that there is no right or wrong way of dealing with a bereavement. However you deal with it is ok.

Edited by C n C on Wednesday 25th October 13:54