Dealing with awkward (non) family

[anonymous-user]

I need to get this off my chest as it's been bothering me for a while and I would be interested to hear your thoughts. Rather than a lengthy prose I'll break it down for brevity.

• Wife (who I was separated from but still close) died early Jan 21
• Talk of some sort of headstone / memorial / marker to remember her by (she was cremated). Mindful her sister might have some ideas, so didn't rush into anything
• Few months pass, I ask if they have any thoughts; no, not yet I was told.
• Few more months, I enquire again, no reply
• Months turn into a year, still no hint as to what they have in mind. I suspect they want a family plot so her dad & my wife can be interred with mum to follow when she goes.
• More time passes, I'm getting annoyed at the lack of *anything* so chase them up again. Nothing
• This year, I call the cemetery to get an idea of prices and options and pass it on to them. They reply with 'Oh we've had a look already and have decided on a Family Tree'. Family Tree plot costs £10,000. Ridiculous, but pleased that they've at least done something I offer to pay a portion.
• Following months - nothing. I chase them up again.

Also to take into consideration:
• They are 'gatekeepers' to my daughters gran, who they claim has dementia. To me, she appears exactly as she's always done over the last 20+ years of knowing her. My daughter hasn't been given a chance to see her gran since April. They all live just 30 mins away.
• Granny's birthday any day now. I ask if there will be a birthday tea as there is every year. No reply.
• Husband of sister is an obnoxious misogamist. If his psychological bullying of my ex-wife's sister wasn't as impactful as it is, I wouldn't be surprised if physical violence would be the next option. Nobody likes him. He's previously gone through my then 10 year old daughters phone to check her messages by snatching it out of her hand once. I was livid.

• If I turn up at granny's house with my daughter, the plethora of camera doorbells they have installed and are linked to would have them racing over in minutes, demanding to know what I was playing at. This has happened before.

I am this close - and more than happy - to tell them to go forth and multiply, but that would possibly deny my daughter any chance of seeing her cousins and granny for the foreseeable. A more diplomatic but effective solution must be out there, but my desire to spill a few hard-hitting home truths is overwhelming.

Any thoughts?

[dvs_dave]

Tell the tt that your daughter is a blood relative to Gran, and he is not, so eff-off. Does he have power of attorney over Gran? Anything legal in place to give him that power?

[Nethybridge]

BiL died in March, my sister just got the lawyers' final invoice
last week, the headstone took six months
to make and erect, things just take flippin' ages, I mean really, a long time.

To get distant family members and in-laws to agree to a course of action,
then the quest to find an agreeable price, then the long wait for it to actually transpire.
It's like watching a glacier do the 100 metres.

Have patience.

[anonymous-user]

I understand your point but the issue is time is passing and we haven’t even agreed on what form the memorial will take, and they are being evasive.

[Actual]

Does the Gran have any assets and are they worried about the will/inheritance?

If the granny made a will and left anything to her daughter and the will still stands then in the normal way it goes the grandchild inherits what her mum would have inherited plus anything left to the granddaughter directly.

[x5tuu]

dvs_dave said:

Tell the tt that your daughter is a blood relative to Gran, and he is not, so eff-off.

This. Contact the grandmother and arrange directly, If anyone tries to intervene tell them to FRO

[hidetheelephants]

1. Buy a plaque at the nearest garden of remembrance so your daughter can see you care and have somewhere to go to remember her mum. Bugger the rest of the family.

2. Take daughter to visit granny; they deserve to see each other. What possible grounds do the family have for gate-keeping and given they don't communicate at all, bugger them twice.

[anonymous-user]

Gatekeeping is due to claims of early dementia. She seems fine to me - same as she ever was.

[hidetheelephants]

DrBrule said:

Gatekeeping is due to claims of early dementia. She seems fine to me - same as she ever was.

Dementia can mitigated by interacting with them, locking them up and preventing contact is cruel.

[Unexpected Item In The Bagging Area]

Can’t you arrange to meet the grandmother at a cafe or wherever close to her house to avoid the BiL being alerted? Try to keep him and the sister out of the loop and ask the gran not to mention that she’s met up with you.

[Gigamoons]

hidetheelephants said:

1. Buy a plaque at the nearest garden of remembrance so your daughter can see you care and have somewhere to go to remember her mum. Bugger the rest of the family.

2. Take daughter to visit granny; they deserve to see each other. What possible grounds do the family have for gate-keeping and given they don't communicate at all, bugger them twice.

Yup ^^

[GliderRider]

hidetheelephants said:

What possible grounds do the family have for gate-keeping....?

So they can say, "Well, your grandaughter never comes to see you, and therefore doesn't care about you. Oh, and by the way, we've got this new will for you to sign which leaves everything to us. "

[beambeam1]

Reply with "Bloody hell, we were down the passing through the town and just thought we would pop in for a quick hello and cup of tea to see how she's doing! What's the problem?" when challenged.

Just go and see the gran. If anything, your daughter is old enough to understand and see for herself what is going on. It also sounds like maybe you and your daughter should create your own meaningful type of memorial to your ex that cannot be spoiled or ruined by others. Perhaps a small marker somewhere that means something to all three of you?

[GliderRider]

beambeam1 said:

Reply with "Bloody hell, we were down the passing through the town and just thought we would pop in for a quick hello and cup of tea to see how she's doing! What's the problem?" when challenged.

Just go and see the gran. If anything, your daughter is old enough to understand and see for herself what is going on. It also sounds like maybe you and your daughter should create your own meaningful type of memorial to your ex that cannot be spoiled or ruined by others. Perhaps a small marker somewhere that means something to all three of you?

Do as beambeam1 says. After all, she was your wife, you married her. It would be normal in any other family, provided the husband was solvent, of sound mind and not estranged, separated or divorced, for him to be making the decisions regarding his wife's memorial.
You have attempted to involve the family and they have procrastinated. It clearly isn't as high a priority for them as for you. The £10000 tree sounds like an excuse for you to give them money, which would probably disappear and no tree be forthcoming.

[anonymous-user]

Thank you all, I’m grateful.

I’m going to arrange a memorial in the new year with or without them.

Last night I received a reply saying birthday tea with granny will be next week so my daughter will get to finally see her. We’ll make some visits to granny next year too; screw ‘em.

[HTP99]

When my dad died coming up to nine years ago now, we fell out with his wife, well tbh she fell out with us, soon after the funeral, her true colours appeared with much of it being aimed at myself.

My dad was a regular participant and helper at the Cathedral in our town and had been for about 40 years, eventually (11 months after his death) his ashes were interned there but this took alot of pressure on her, by myself over email (we'd fallen out big time so weren't speaking) but she was just delaying to be spiteful and to make it about herself, anyhow she always said she would have him put in the book of remembrance, another year went by and he wasn't in there so me and my sister took it opon ourselves, to do it, we actually had a, conversation with someone at the cathedral when we went up on the 2nd anniversary, he remembered giving her all the necessary paperwork for this, the year prior.

So yep we had him put in there, with references to ourselves, dad's grandkids and dad's sisters, no reference to her at all.

So yeahh, just get on and do it youtself OP.

Some people just like to have control for whatever reason and they will hang on to the smallest thing to make things difficult, they are just selfish and all about themselves. Me and my sister doing what we did took the last thing she had a hold over, away from her.

[Gigamoons]

DrBrule said:

Thank you all, I’m grateful.

I’m going to arrange a memorial in the new year with or without them.

Last night I received a reply saying birthday tea with granny will be next week so my daughter will get to finally see her. We’ll make some visits to granny next year too; screw ‘em.

Whilst it's nice birthday tea is in the diary, I would focus on building a visitation cadence for your daughter directly with granny that has nothing to do with the other family members, it's frankly none of their business if relationships are not harmonious. But you need to need to lead this.