Re-evaluating priorities
Discussion
Was talking with someone last week and a point they made has stuck in my mind since.
Both in our mid-late 40's & talking about our respective parents - now in their late-70's/early 80's.
Mate asked me when I last visited my folks & I said Xmas.
Then asked when I would next visit - replied probably around Easter.
Worked out I generally go to see them around 4 times a year - I am Essex, my parents East Mids so only a 2.5 hour journey away.
Then pointed out that if my folks died in 3 years, at my current rate I would only see them another 12 times in my life before they are gone forever and did I think that was enough...
Of course that's not enough & that realisation hit me very hard - has made me resolve to make more time for the really important stuff.
Anyone else had similar moments of clarity?
Both in our mid-late 40's & talking about our respective parents - now in their late-70's/early 80's.
Mate asked me when I last visited my folks & I said Xmas.
Then asked when I would next visit - replied probably around Easter.
Worked out I generally go to see them around 4 times a year - I am Essex, my parents East Mids so only a 2.5 hour journey away.
Then pointed out that if my folks died in 3 years, at my current rate I would only see them another 12 times in my life before they are gone forever and did I think that was enough...
Of course that's not enough & that realisation hit me very hard - has made me resolve to make more time for the really important stuff.
Anyone else had similar moments of clarity?
Yes, in a very similar way to you. Mine are in their 70s and live 2 hours away but I'm always so wrapped up with my kids (2 and 6) I see very little of them.
After a difficult November and December I resolved to see more of them and my brothers this year, and generally see more of everyone. Unfortunately early January my wife's grandmother had a fall so my plans were shelved/postponed. I've finally got a date booked to see my parents in a couple of weeks, bringing the kids for a sleepover.
If you feel like you want to see more of them, and it wouldn't be massively impactful elsewhere to do it, go for it. You never know what might crop up next week/month that could take you away from it.
My wife struggles looking after the kids on her own so anything out of routine takes considerable negotiation and planning.
After a difficult November and December I resolved to see more of them and my brothers this year, and generally see more of everyone. Unfortunately early January my wife's grandmother had a fall so my plans were shelved/postponed. I've finally got a date booked to see my parents in a couple of weeks, bringing the kids for a sleepover.
If you feel like you want to see more of them, and it wouldn't be massively impactful elsewhere to do it, go for it. You never know what might crop up next week/month that could take you away from it.
My wife struggles looking after the kids on her own so anything out of routine takes considerable negotiation and planning.
Same boat here (+/- 3hrs door to door), but different perspective - Dad's always been controlling, grumpy and unpleasant, but he's getting worse as he gets older and infirm - culminated in the second big Christmas row in 2 years, and I've not spoken to him since and feel all the calmer for it.
...although that does leave the big glaring headache of what I do about seeing Mum, though...see the 'controlling' bit above...
...although that does leave the big glaring headache of what I do about seeing Mum, though...see the 'controlling' bit above...
havoc said:
Same boat here (+/- 3hrs door to door), but different perspective - Dad's always been controlling, grumpy and unpleasant, but he's getting worse as he gets older and infirm - culminated in the second big Christmas row in 2 years, and I've not spoken to him since and feel all the calmer for it.
...although that does leave the big glaring headache of what I do about seeing Mum, though...see the 'controlling' bit above...
Yes families eh....although that does leave the big glaring headache of what I do about seeing Mum, though...see the 'controlling' bit above...
Never spoke to my parents for over 20 years as my mother was a controlling nightmare. We sort of got back together a few years before they both died but even then my mother couldn't see the problem had been her (in my opinion). Do wish I'd been able to talk more with my father, who I suspect knew nothing of the verbal abuse I took for years before I took off. He was always out of the house when it started and being a rather shy/naive kid I never had the sense to tell him.
Yes and no for me. I see my parents once or twice a month, I haven't seen my brothers in years. We haven't fallen out; we just don't see each other. None of us live more than a 30 min drive away.
I hope my family dynamic is different, our eldest is 19 now, he's got a BF and it out in the world doing his thing, supposedly he still lives with us, but he's home once or twice a week. I'm happy he's living his life, but I miss him sometimes. My daughter is 9, I'm going to find it very hard when she's older and not with us everyday. She was away on a school trip for 2 nights last week and I don't think I've ever missed anyone or anything so much in my entire life before, I grieved her not being home and I camped for 2 hours waiting for the bus to bring her back to school. (it was delayed, I didn't just turn up hours early).
I hope my family dynamic is different, our eldest is 19 now, he's got a BF and it out in the world doing his thing, supposedly he still lives with us, but he's home once or twice a week. I'm happy he's living his life, but I miss him sometimes. My daughter is 9, I'm going to find it very hard when she's older and not with us everyday. She was away on a school trip for 2 nights last week and I don't think I've ever missed anyone or anything so much in my entire life before, I grieved her not being home and I camped for 2 hours waiting for the bus to bring her back to school. (it was delayed, I didn't just turn up hours early).
Mum's in her 70s, lives 3.5 hours away, I've got teenage children who are busy most weekends with various things, and I work full time. Mum, despite being retired, is busy all the time and getting to the point where she's not comfortable travelling long distances also. So very much the boat I find myself in too. I'm just going to have to come to terms with it, there's really nothing I can do until youngest is away at University in 3 years time.
My re-evaluation of priorities is more in financial terms - in my mid-50s I can feel myself ageing quite significantly all of a sudden, and it brings home the need to retire asap in order to enjoy as many healthy years as possible. I mean working to 67?? Give over. It'll break me. I'm pretty much done already. So I'm re-evaluating my need to stay in the family home for much longer - it's time to downsize, release equity and live off the proceeds as soon as is humanly possible.
My re-evaluation of priorities is more in financial terms - in my mid-50s I can feel myself ageing quite significantly all of a sudden, and it brings home the need to retire asap in order to enjoy as many healthy years as possible. I mean working to 67?? Give over. It'll break me. I'm pretty much done already. So I'm re-evaluating my need to stay in the family home for much longer - it's time to downsize, release equity and live off the proceeds as soon as is humanly possible.
Edited by CivicDuties on Wednesday 6th March 16:28
well to give you guys some perspective, my dad died of a heart attack suddenly in 2020, then my mum went from cancer in 2022, they were 75 and 68 respectively.
I didn't have an issue of not seeing them enough as we saw them regularly, but its a real risk at our age (I was 39 when my dad went) of these events taking place.
See them more often. Cherish the relationship you have with them. Have a laugh with them, it's now that we should look back and joke about the ups and downs of the past. Forgive them their imperfections, none of us are perfect.
Give them as much as a glimpse of the future as you can, my eldest was 1 when my dad went, he didn't get to see my youngest.
I don't have any regrets but just to have them here for some more time would have been amazing. you never get over losing them, it just gets slightly easier with time (time is the only healer and softens it as the years go by, no one can say or do anything to make it feel any better IMO).
just to put across the other side of the coin. if they are still here you have a chance to at least create more memories and make sure they know that the have a legacy in your kids. that's all I can really say.
I didn't have an issue of not seeing them enough as we saw them regularly, but its a real risk at our age (I was 39 when my dad went) of these events taking place.
See them more often. Cherish the relationship you have with them. Have a laugh with them, it's now that we should look back and joke about the ups and downs of the past. Forgive them their imperfections, none of us are perfect.
Give them as much as a glimpse of the future as you can, my eldest was 1 when my dad went, he didn't get to see my youngest.
I don't have any regrets but just to have them here for some more time would have been amazing. you never get over losing them, it just gets slightly easier with time (time is the only healer and softens it as the years go by, no one can say or do anything to make it feel any better IMO).
just to put across the other side of the coin. if they are still here you have a chance to at least create more memories and make sure they know that the have a legacy in your kids. that's all I can really say.
OzzyR1 said:
at my current rate I would only see them another 12 times in my life before they are gone forever and did I think that was enough...
Of course that's not enough & that realisation hit me very hard - has made me resolve to make more time for the really important stuff.
Anyone else had similar moments of clarity?
100% - This calculation popped up on a facebook short a couple of years' ago, and I had a similar moment of - Holy smoke, I should try harder...Of course that's not enough & that realisation hit me very hard - has made me resolve to make more time for the really important stuff.
Anyone else had similar moments of clarity?
I spoke to the wife about it, purely because it was an interesting topic, she then went and explained the maths of it to my parents........Initially I thought this was a bit direct/blunt/not a good idea.
.....but it actually was, they too had a holy smoke moment, and have completely shifted their approach to life and family stuff as well - We see them every few weeks (they live 5 hours away). They make an effort to come to us, we make an effort to go to them, we make an effort to do stuff together. (I bought them match tickets for the Rugby World Cup and we all went together for example).
Since that "conversation", we have seen them way more than we did in the few years prior to that.....
I'm lucky in that my parents (also late 70s) live about 30mins away, and my family and I see them weekly. Apart from the winter when they disappear to warmer climates
My Dad has started to have conversations with me about details of finance (accounts, passwords etc) 'just in case', and I've avoided them to avoid facing the reality of mortality. However I'll have to have that convo when they're back in the country.
And make sure we see them as much as possible
My Dad has started to have conversations with me about details of finance (accounts, passwords etc) 'just in case', and I've avoided them to avoid facing the reality of mortality. However I'll have to have that convo when they're back in the country.
And make sure we see them as much as possible
I had a similar thought about 10 years ago, only it was more about how many days my parents would have with my kids who at the time were 7 and 10.
I worked out back then that is was something like 164 days, assuming my parents live to 90, and assuming that at some point my kids won't want to see Granny and Grandad as they become too busy with their own lives.
We're pretty much at that latter point now, and I reckon they now have 20 days left with physically seeing them assuming they get to 90, which is by no means guaranteed ( they are 83 and 81).
I decided to call my mum every week, which I have done almost without fail since 2014.
I worked out back then that is was something like 164 days, assuming my parents live to 90, and assuming that at some point my kids won't want to see Granny and Grandad as they become too busy with their own lives.
We're pretty much at that latter point now, and I reckon they now have 20 days left with physically seeing them assuming they get to 90, which is by no means guaranteed ( they are 83 and 81).
I decided to call my mum every week, which I have done almost without fail since 2014.
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