Childless men/couples
Discussion
Evening folks,
I’m 38 and always wanted kids, we got the big house for a family a few years ago but then rocked by the news that having kids wouldn’t be easy naturally. Explored the adoption route but we’re both questioning whether it’s for us.
Hearing horror stories from my colleague who’s adopted and the strain it’s put on him and his wife as the kids complex needs arise.
We’re both really happy with our life at the moment. Has anyone else decided no kids for them?
I’m 38 and always wanted kids, we got the big house for a family a few years ago but then rocked by the news that having kids wouldn’t be easy naturally. Explored the adoption route but we’re both questioning whether it’s for us.
Hearing horror stories from my colleague who’s adopted and the strain it’s put on him and his wife as the kids complex needs arise.
We’re both really happy with our life at the moment. Has anyone else decided no kids for them?
We're both 30, been together since we were 18. Decided on day one that neither of us wanted kids, haven't faltered since.
As you have probably already experienced, once your friends start having kids you might see less of them and when you do see them, it might involve the kids. Not that I mind, I love all of my friends' kids, just not for me. I usedto think I hated kids to be honest, but I realised it's actually bad parents that I hate; I had the same realisation with dogs/dog owners.
I'll quite often just do something that I fancy on a whim (e.g. I've seriously got into cycling and blacksmithing in the last six months) and think to myself "I might not be doing this if I had kids" and that makes me happy with my decision. Same with nice restaurants and holidays, stuff like that. Other people aren't really like that and having a family makes them happy and that's amazing, just don't do it because you think it's what you're expected to do.
Edit: actually, I know couples with kids who don't let it dictate their lives and get up to all sorts of cool s
t. It's a choice as to how much you let being a parent define you, all things being equal.
As you have probably already experienced, once your friends start having kids you might see less of them and when you do see them, it might involve the kids. Not that I mind, I love all of my friends' kids, just not for me. I usedto think I hated kids to be honest, but I realised it's actually bad parents that I hate; I had the same realisation with dogs/dog owners.
I'll quite often just do something that I fancy on a whim (e.g. I've seriously got into cycling and blacksmithing in the last six months) and think to myself "I might not be doing this if I had kids" and that makes me happy with my decision. Same with nice restaurants and holidays, stuff like that. Other people aren't really like that and having a family makes them happy and that's amazing, just don't do it because you think it's what you're expected to do.
Edit: actually, I know couples with kids who don't let it dictate their lives and get up to all sorts of cool s
t. It's a choice as to how much you let being a parent define you, all things being equal.Edited by horsemeatscandal on Friday 15th March 23:30
BMRed said:
Evening folks,
I’m 38 and always wanted kids, we got the big house for a family a few years ago but then rocked by the news that having kids wouldn’t be easy naturally. Explored the adoption route but we’re both questioning whether it’s for us.
Hearing horror stories from my colleague who’s adopted and the strain it’s put on him and his wife as the kids complex needs arise.
We’re both really happy with our life at the moment. Has anyone else decided no kids for them?
We were in the same situation, pretty much at the same age. My wife and I had been together for nearly 20 years, always wanted kids but like many couples focused on careers and finances first and bought the big family home. Ultimately we left it too late and after 1 failed round of IVF we decided adoption was the best option for us.I’m 38 and always wanted kids, we got the big house for a family a few years ago but then rocked by the news that having kids wouldn’t be easy naturally. Explored the adoption route but we’re both questioning whether it’s for us.
Hearing horror stories from my colleague who’s adopted and the strain it’s put on him and his wife as the kids complex needs arise.
We’re both really happy with our life at the moment. Has anyone else decided no kids for them?
We adopted our daughters coming up on 2 years ago, sisters aged 6 and 4 at the time. It's certainly not an easy option, it's hard work and takes a long time just to become approved as an adopter. Then the real hard work begins when your child / children are placed. I can honestly say I have no regrets though, easily the best and most rewarding thing I've ever done.
51 here, and was never really in a stable enough relationship in my 20’s or 30’s to even consider being a Dad. I was very reckless and non-committal back then!
Got married at 42, she was 12 years younger than me, neither of us were motivated to have children until she suddenly dropped a bombshell one day that she wanted a baby. At this point I was 49 and the relationship had other challenges, plus my mental health was at rock bottom, so I said no. Ultimately she then cheated on me, got pregnant and left, so she got what she wanted albeit elsewhere!
I’m glad I stuck to my guns as I knew children with her would have been completely toxic, given the other issues within the marriage. Now I’m rid of her the freedom I’ve got is incredible.
Not sure if any of this helps the OP, I guess you’ve both got to want the same thing for the same reasons for it to be worth pursuing.
Got married at 42, she was 12 years younger than me, neither of us were motivated to have children until she suddenly dropped a bombshell one day that she wanted a baby. At this point I was 49 and the relationship had other challenges, plus my mental health was at rock bottom, so I said no. Ultimately she then cheated on me, got pregnant and left, so she got what she wanted albeit elsewhere!
I’m glad I stuck to my guns as I knew children with her would have been completely toxic, given the other issues within the marriage. Now I’m rid of her the freedom I’ve got is incredible.
Not sure if any of this helps the OP, I guess you’ve both got to want the same thing for the same reasons for it to be worth pursuing.
I used to think I would have been okay without having a child but my daughter has brought so much into my live it would have been a huge mistake not to have done it. But that could be just because we are the people we are and get on so well, if she had been a different person I might not have liked it half as much.
Some people are just not cut out to be parents - certainly mine weren’t, particularly my father, so if you are having doubts, don’t!
Some people are just not cut out to be parents - certainly mine weren’t, particularly my father, so if you are having doubts, don’t!
GroundEffect said:
I'm 36 and my OH is 34. She is pretty set on no kids and I'm on the fence.
I think mixed in with typical midlife crisis nonsense is my FOMO of not having them. But those I do know with them look bloody miserable.
I have 3 children (youngest being 18) and couldn’t imagine not having children because of the joy they bring you. I always wanted children and yes it is stressful having to provide for them. I think mixed in with typical midlife crisis nonsense is my FOMO of not having them. But those I do know with them look bloody miserable.
I’m 51 now and my wife and I are enjoying the freedom again in not having young children and I certainly didn’t want anymore after the 3rd was born when I just turned 33. It’s now so nice to go out with them as adults either individually or collectively.
If you have any desire to have children then you need to make it happen as I don’t know of anyone in my social circle that regrets having children. I do know of a few around my age who didn’t have children when they were younger, usually because they were indulging in life’s experiences (multiple expensive holidays) who clearly regret it, although wouldn’t outwardly admit it.
At 36 your still young enough to enjoy having children, although I wouldn’t leave it too much longer.
I'm 71 and at the age of 19 I came to the conclusion there were too many people on the planet even then so decided I would never become a parent. Tbh I never had a strong parental desire anyway. I've never felt lonely either and have had numerous relationships but none lasted more than a year.
For various reasons I don’t have any. I think at the end of the day life is what you make of it, sometimes I wish things were different but they are what they are. Fundamentally left it too late for us and it didn’t happen.
I struggled a lot with the relationship I now have with my parents, my mother is utterly obsessed with her grandchildren, one in particular. A phase I thought would pass but it’s still going strong after 12 years. Not helped by geography in terms of where we all live, less so how far I live from my parents and more how close they are to their grandchildren.
It is hard when every conversation comes back round to grandchildren, my mother knows more about her grandchildren’s friends parents’ lives than she does about mine.
Just a grumble really, I’m fairly at ease with it now as whilst it has bothered me in the past I realise it’s one of those things that you can’t change.
I struggled a lot with the relationship I now have with my parents, my mother is utterly obsessed with her grandchildren, one in particular. A phase I thought would pass but it’s still going strong after 12 years. Not helped by geography in terms of where we all live, less so how far I live from my parents and more how close they are to their grandchildren.
It is hard when every conversation comes back round to grandchildren, my mother knows more about her grandchildren’s friends parents’ lives than she does about mine.
Just a grumble really, I’m fairly at ease with it now as whilst it has bothered me in the past I realise it’s one of those things that you can’t change.
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