Standing by Your Actions
Discussion
My wife was pregnant with our first child when I fell out with my neighbour. I didn't see it as a falling out as such; I got rid of him and have had nothing do with him since. Our son is now almost 17.
What he did (in my opinion) was unforgivable. Since moving next door to him, we all did our best to get on, and things were bouncing along very well until one day, he decided to go to the council - without any warning - and inform them of some home improvements I had made which he felt needed their attention.
We extended the ground floor to the rear (as planned and agreed) but as our road is on a bit of a hill, we didn't anticipate just how much of a drop it would be from the new back door threshold, and once the steps were in place we started to have second thoughts about having them cascading out of the house with a kid on the way. At one point, next door neighbour suggested building some decking, a wooden outlook he called it. I've never been a fan of decking but after some time to think about it, it was the best idea at the time. It got built.
Once it was built he went and complained to the council. No discussion, no questions. Wallop. He grassed. In fact, he would have had to pass my front door on his way to the offices which are about a 20-minute walk through the houses.
Since this event (which cost me a fair whack to 'put right' which was mainly to erect a 2m screen so that I couldn't see into his garden whilst stood on my new decking (even though his patio area is behind my new building line, he is downhill to me so standing on my lawn means I can look into his garden) and despite the fact that he has a balcony out of his loft conversion which looks over all the surrounding houses) I have not spoken to him. In my best Godfather accent, he's dead to me. Good riddance of the double-crosser.
I'm over it, but, I guess I'm not in the sense that I sometimes reflect on it. What could I have done before, during and now after? Before: he suggested putting the decking up. During: I told him where it would be, what it would look like and offered to put up trellis or whatever he would like in the name of preserving our (up 'til then) good relationship. He declined. The after is what has prompted me to post this as a thread.
Sometimes I've tried to process a thought of being the bigger man and burying the hatchet. By the way, he's retired and tall. I hate the term, 'bigger man' but you get my drift. I would expect him to be wiser and show some remorse. But he's a busy body. It turns out he dobbed me in for parking on my drive too before the kerb was lowered. He just cannot be trusted. f
k him. I played rugby and have had many altercations on the field; the game taught me how to deal with anger; I'd love to have a beer with him and settle our differences, but, I just don't trust him at all, which my well be a deep routed personal issue of my own.
Today he walked past my house, which he doesn't do often because if he's in the country (and not at his second home abroad) he drives everywhere. Whether he's smiling, looking sad or smug I couldn't care less; it doesn't change anything but, I did think today, how does he see it? Does he think he was justified? Has he ever wondered about offering the olive branch and repenting his sins? Does he think he was justified in his actions; is on higher moral ground? What goes on in his head?
As forgiving as I think I could force myself to be, I can't see beyond his betrayal so it would be a fake relationship on that basis.
Are people who have behaved in such a way delusional? Defiant? Are they just antagonistic in that way and love a drama?
What he did (in my opinion) was unforgivable. Since moving next door to him, we all did our best to get on, and things were bouncing along very well until one day, he decided to go to the council - without any warning - and inform them of some home improvements I had made which he felt needed their attention.
We extended the ground floor to the rear (as planned and agreed) but as our road is on a bit of a hill, we didn't anticipate just how much of a drop it would be from the new back door threshold, and once the steps were in place we started to have second thoughts about having them cascading out of the house with a kid on the way. At one point, next door neighbour suggested building some decking, a wooden outlook he called it. I've never been a fan of decking but after some time to think about it, it was the best idea at the time. It got built.
Once it was built he went and complained to the council. No discussion, no questions. Wallop. He grassed. In fact, he would have had to pass my front door on his way to the offices which are about a 20-minute walk through the houses.
Since this event (which cost me a fair whack to 'put right' which was mainly to erect a 2m screen so that I couldn't see into his garden whilst stood on my new decking (even though his patio area is behind my new building line, he is downhill to me so standing on my lawn means I can look into his garden) and despite the fact that he has a balcony out of his loft conversion which looks over all the surrounding houses) I have not spoken to him. In my best Godfather accent, he's dead to me. Good riddance of the double-crosser.
I'm over it, but, I guess I'm not in the sense that I sometimes reflect on it. What could I have done before, during and now after? Before: he suggested putting the decking up. During: I told him where it would be, what it would look like and offered to put up trellis or whatever he would like in the name of preserving our (up 'til then) good relationship. He declined. The after is what has prompted me to post this as a thread.
Sometimes I've tried to process a thought of being the bigger man and burying the hatchet. By the way, he's retired and tall. I hate the term, 'bigger man' but you get my drift. I would expect him to be wiser and show some remorse. But he's a busy body. It turns out he dobbed me in for parking on my drive too before the kerb was lowered. He just cannot be trusted. f
k him. I played rugby and have had many altercations on the field; the game taught me how to deal with anger; I'd love to have a beer with him and settle our differences, but, I just don't trust him at all, which my well be a deep routed personal issue of my own. Today he walked past my house, which he doesn't do often because if he's in the country (and not at his second home abroad) he drives everywhere. Whether he's smiling, looking sad or smug I couldn't care less; it doesn't change anything but, I did think today, how does he see it? Does he think he was justified? Has he ever wondered about offering the olive branch and repenting his sins? Does he think he was justified in his actions; is on higher moral ground? What goes on in his head?
As forgiving as I think I could force myself to be, I can't see beyond his betrayal so it would be a fake relationship on that basis.
Are people who have behaved in such a way delusional? Defiant? Are they just antagonistic in that way and love a drama?
Glassman said:
As forgiving as I think I could force myself to be, I can't see beyond his betrayal so it would be a fake relationship on that basis.
Are people who have behaved in such a way delusional? Defiant? Are they just antagonistic in that way and love a drama?
After reading all of that it sounds like he is living rent free in your head, and he is probably not thinkign about you at all, is my honest take on it. Are people who have behaved in such a way delusional? Defiant? Are they just antagonistic in that way and love a drama?
Bit of an odd post, but clearly still bothers you after all of this time, so fair enough,
limpsfield said:
Glassman said:
As forgiving as I think I could force myself to be, I can't see beyond his betrayal so it would be a fake relationship on that basis.
Are people who have behaved in such a way delusional? Defiant? Are they just antagonistic in that way and love a drama?
After reading all of that it sounds like he is living rent free in your head, and he is probably not thinkign about you at all, is my honest take on it. Are people who have behaved in such a way delusional? Defiant? Are they just antagonistic in that way and love a drama?
Bit of an odd post, but clearly still bothers you after all of this time, so fair enough,
ked it up. As much as I'm over it and him, I think more about people and their actions. I've seen people fall out over silly things and from the outside you think it can be resolved, surely. But someone is not budging, someone thinks the other is wrong or whatever. Seeing him today didn't change how I feel about our situation whatsoever. But I did think how he feels about it. We are men. Men handle things differently to women. I've tried to lean towards reconciling in some way but it doesn't make any difference being on speaking terms with him or not. Zero fks given. It is a question about how some people seemingly stand by their actions despite being in the wrong. 
Glassman said:
It is a question about how some people seemingly stand by their actions despite being in the wrong.
I’m a bit confused as to who is in the wrong. The council got you to correct some non compliant building work 17 years ago and you still feel aggrieved by a neighbour who may or may not have ‘grassed’ you for it. If you weren’t technically wrong the council would have told him to jog on.I’ve ‘grassed’ a neighbour to the council for non compliant building but only because they were idiots about running equipment late at night when I was trying to put kids to bed. When I spoke to them to ask if they would mind not running a digger at 8 o’clock at night they were really rude.
Either way you need to forget it as ultimately it’s the council that did you not the neighbour.
Not sure why but it reminds me of a neighbour who I pissed off - I was in the wrong but the neighbour was particularly nasty which pissed me off for all of 5 minutes.
Several people around at the time of his nastiness and for years later, those same people are saying how I should do this or that to the neighbour.
We made our peace days later - I was in the wrong, I know I was - neighbour was in the wrong for over reacting but so what?
People can't believe I'm not pissed off with him.
Several people around at the time of his nastiness and for years later, those same people are saying how I should do this or that to the neighbour.
We made our peace days later - I was in the wrong, I know I was - neighbour was in the wrong for over reacting but so what?
People can't believe I'm not pissed off with him.
Look at how many people will, for example, pull out in front of you in traffic or cut you up and then proceed to give you the finger / wker sign / verbal abuse if you dare to honk your horn at them. Some people are so delusional, so lacking in emotional and general intelligence and so totally unwilling to admit mistakes that they’d never even reflect on their actions and realise that what they did might be wrong. It’s essentially a defective personality trait.
He’s probably never given it a second thought and considers you the issue. It’s one reason why, generally, I hate the general public.
ker sign / verbal abuse if you dare to honk your horn at them. Some people are so delusional, so lacking in emotional and general intelligence and so totally unwilling to admit mistakes that they’d never even reflect on their actions and realise that what they did might be wrong. It’s essentially a defective personality trait. He’s probably never given it a second thought and considers you the issue. It’s one reason why, generally, I hate the general public.
Does he have a wife?
Sounds strange to me that he would suggest something like a deck and then complain about it once its up.
Maybe he said it then when it was built his wife was like "can you believe what they built YOU need to complain".... he was probably like right love yeah I know terrible. etc... I would have never done that... etc etc...
Just my 2 cents.
Also sausages. HTH
Sounds strange to me that he would suggest something like a deck and then complain about it once its up.
Maybe he said it then when it was built his wife was like "can you believe what they built YOU need to complain".... he was probably like right love yeah I know terrible. etc... I would have never done that... etc etc...
Just my 2 cents.
Also sausages. HTH
I am surprised about his balcony.
At my previous house I had a small extension to the rear that had a first floor Juliet Balcony just above it, opening from a bedroom.
I thought it would be nice to put a proper railing around the roof of the extension and have a little terrace. The council refused it on the grounds that it overlooked other peoples’ properties.
Just saying.
At my previous house I had a small extension to the rear that had a first floor Juliet Balcony just above it, opening from a bedroom.
I thought it would be nice to put a proper railing around the roof of the extension and have a little terrace. The council refused it on the grounds that it overlooked other peoples’ properties.
Just saying.
I had a neighbour who we were very friendly with for years, I even worked for him for a while.
Anyway he tells us he intends replacing his single story rear extension with a 2- storey.This is a row of 2 up 2 down terrace houses with back yards.It would have plunged our kitchen into darkness....our kitchen window faced the proposed extension.
We told him we'd object to planning and let the council decide.He was refused permission.That was the end of our friendship and they behaved like a-holes afterwards,we had many arguments lol.....his main gripe being we had a 2-storey extension so why couldn't he.....our house already had it when we moved in.
Fortunately they moved a few years later .
Anyway he tells us he intends replacing his single story rear extension with a 2- storey.This is a row of 2 up 2 down terrace houses with back yards.It would have plunged our kitchen into darkness....our kitchen window faced the proposed extension.
We told him we'd object to planning and let the council decide.He was refused permission.That was the end of our friendship and they behaved like a-holes afterwards,we had many arguments lol.....his main gripe being we had a 2-storey extension so why couldn't he.....our house already had it when we moved in.
Fortunately they moved a few years later .
trickywoo said:
I m a bit confused as to who is in the wrong. The council got you to correct some non compliant building work 17 years ago and you still feel aggrieved by a neighbour who may or may not have grassed you for it. If you weren t technically wrong the council would have told him to jog on.
I ve grassed a neighbour to the council for non compliant building but only because they were idiots about running equipment late at night when I was trying to put kids to bed. When I spoke to them to ask if they would mind not running a digger at 8 o clock at night they were really rude.
Either way you need to forget it as ultimately it s the council that did you not the neighbour.
You don't think he could have knocked on the door for a chat?I ve grassed a neighbour to the council for non compliant building but only because they were idiots about running equipment late at night when I was trying to put kids to bed. When I spoke to them to ask if they would mind not running a digger at 8 o clock at night they were really rude.
Either way you need to forget it as ultimately it s the council that did you not the neighbour.
As it happens, the council 'enforced' that we put up a screen a 2m fence effectively as well as lower the whole thing buy a few inches.
All he had to do was talk to me. We could have resolved it.
Today wasn't about 'that' but about the way it was handled. I could see him or not and it;s the same thing. I just happened to be sat in the front of the house listening to music when he walked by and it reminded me that he still existed.
Glassman said:
You don't think he could have knocked on the door for a chat?
As it happens, the council 'enforced' that we put up a screen a 2m fence effectively as well as lower the whole thing buy a few inches.
All he had to do was talk to me. We could have resolved it.
Today wasn't about 'that' but about the way it was handled. I could see him or not and it;s the same thing. I just happened to be sat in the front of the house listening to music when he walked by and it reminded me that he still existed.
Was he away at his other residence between suggesting decking and then returning to find it done ?As it happens, the council 'enforced' that we put up a screen a 2m fence effectively as well as lower the whole thing buy a few inches.
All he had to do was talk to me. We could have resolved it.
Today wasn't about 'that' but about the way it was handled. I could see him or not and it;s the same thing. I just happened to be sat in the front of the house listening to music when he walked by and it reminded me that he still existed.
Bluevanman said:
Was he away at his other residence between suggesting decking and then returning to find it done ?
It started about the same time when he left from memory. But I stand by coming to speak to me first. He didn't. Had he taken that action instead, I would have found a way to resolve it without falling out over the matter, especially given I'd spoken about the whole thing to him from the outset. Let's not forget, it was his suggestion. gotoPzero said:
Does he have a wife?
Sounds strange to me that he would suggest something like a deck and then complain about it once its up.
Maybe he said it then when it was built his wife was like "can you believe what they built YOU need to complain".... he was probably like right love yeah I know terrible. etc... I would have never done that... etc etc...
Just my 2 cents.
Also sausages. HTH
This sounds about right to me. Many years ago I did drawings for small house extensions for some extra income. I would bash sticks into the ground to show the "customer" the size of the extension. The inevitable comments when the work was done; "I didn't think it was going to be as big/small, high/low, long as/short as and so on. Being able to visualise this sort of thing can be difficult. Maybe he didn't visualise properly, didn't want to look stupid so took the reported course of action?Sounds strange to me that he would suggest something like a deck and then complain about it once its up.
Maybe he said it then when it was built his wife was like "can you believe what they built YOU need to complain".... he was probably like right love yeah I know terrible. etc... I would have never done that... etc etc...
Just my 2 cents.
Also sausages. HTH
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